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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have splatted a half eaten ice cream cone on his head?

324 replies

AlwaysMeanWellOftenWrong · 29/10/2010 20:19

Husband arrived home from work. Kids and I had finished our tea and were eating our ice cream. He heated his up in microwave and joined us at the table. Sausage, mash, onion gravy, carrots and sweetcorn.

'oh, I'll just get some brown sauce' - he jumps up and goes and gets it. I say 'EEERR thats gross, try it without first.' He starts to squeeze - 'just try it first (nervous laugh to make him feel like I am not 'telling him' although this is obviously lost in translation)as the bottle of brown sauce is then lobbed across table and onto floor, DS4, DD1 and mother all look on mouths gaping, although mother then remembers that such childish ways of communication are quite commonplace from him.

Mother thinks (in a very quick flash) - all these things all at once - I am angry because he has had yet another 'tantrum', I am angry at myself for even saying anything anyway, he wasn't trying to say my food was tasteless, he just wanted extra flavour. And I decide to let it go and just carry on eating my ice cream... then I look up at him and he is glaring at me as if I am the wife from hell. Something inside me just releases and I just cannot resist, 'splat'! I didn't really think about it, and I am still not entirely sure of my motives but I think it was 'well, if he is going to have a tantrum, so will I'! And I certainly did not consider the consequences!

I could tell he was extremely angry by the rage in his eyes - which to me seemed absurd, to be so angry at such as silly thing, so I laughed, so much and so hysterically that I looked quite deluded, so I left the room to put the kids bath on.

About 10 seconds later, hubby was upstairs getting ironing board out 'What are you doing, you should eat your tea it will get cold' - yes you guessed it - its in the bin!

Of course, my trip wire is finally pushed right over the edge and rage erupts as I think of how ungrateful he is and feel really annoyed at him trying to punish me by making me feel guilty that he now has had no tea.

I know I was unreasonable. I know he was unreasonable. I also think it is so funny and thought you all must deserve a laugh!

We are still out of sorts with each other because I am always the first to apologise, have been for 9 years, but tonight, I am just waiting for him to decide enough is enough and that he wants to make amends. I will let you know if he ever does - very doubtful!

I will end up saying sorry, then he will say sorry. I don't think I will be able to let it go on much longer.

AAAHH, the joys of having a marriage to uphold!

OP posts:
AlwaysMeanWellOftenWrong · 30/10/2010 00:53

hobbgoblin - yes I do wind him up when I know I should stop. Your description is right.

Surely, even with all these faults, because I am systematically trying to correct them all to make my life harmonious I am getting better and better all the time?

OP posts:
AlwaysMeanWellOftenWrong · 30/10/2010 00:54

There is no abuse. There is no abuse whatsoever in our relationship. We just both have tempers, mainly under control, but now and again things flare up. He said, she did, he did she said etc.

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 30/10/2010 00:55

Thanks booyhoo.

Hey, OP I know I said I was leaving my final comment ages up-thread, sorry Blush but perhaps something to try would be a name change and then to explore more honestly your feelings about your DH, y'know under the guise of anonymity (even though you are, of course, anonymous I suspect you might find it easy to feel harshly judged even as an on-screen name). You could have a completely honest appraisal of your marital set up with a new mnet persona.

Or you could try counselling with a counsellor who was experienced enough to hack away some of the 'we're a great couple' armour.

dittany · 30/10/2010 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlwaysMeanWellOftenWrong · 30/10/2010 00:56

hobbgoblin - is that why when I see beautiful women on the TV I feel so bad because I can never look as lovely as them for him? Because I am destined to try to be perfect - even when I cannot?

So I just need to accept that I cannot be perfect, stop trying to be and let me faults be faults? But, are we not supposed to try and be better?

OP posts:
AlwaysMeanWellOftenWrong · 30/10/2010 00:58

But I am happy with my marriage so is my husband warts and all so is that not then a healthy happy marriage?

OP posts:
booooooooooyhoo · 30/10/2010 01:02

throwing things and putting food on someone is not healthy. would you do that to your child? why not?

hobbgoblin · 30/10/2010 01:03

Dittany, some people are victims of their own disordered personalities first and their partners second though...

Transactional Analysis (I think I am correct) is all about conditions in a relationship. So, for example a husband might not be abusive with wife A but is with wife B. Though it's true that the mechanisms that support the concept of TA mean that we are likely to seek out similar types of character over and over again (thus abuse is likely in all partnerships between that man and his partners) it would be possible for a man to only be abusive in a certain type of relationship.

So, a woman would strive in her relationship to create conditions whereby she wound up a victim of abuse. Not because she wanted to be abused but because she was a victim of personality disorder first, and thus could not control her actions which she knew would lead to abuse.

You can substitute the word 'abuse' for meanness, temper tantrums, withholding of affection if you are of the view that abuse is not a widely defining term.

scottishmummy · 30/10/2010 01:03

lovely dh.great marriage.no probs,why post

as your post develop your apologetic for dh and his stressors is obvious.you minimise his role and diminish his responsibility throughout.you emphasise we did/i did not the particular he did

when or if you change your mind,help is available to you.maybe right now thats last thing you want to hear

hobbgoblin · 30/10/2010 01:07

OP, you try with what is achievable and truly important, and you also limit that trying to the things over which you are decision maker...where you have a true choice. Being as beautiful as someone else does not fit this category, neither does your DH's appreciation of his food. :)

dittany · 30/10/2010 01:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlwaysMeanWellOftenWrong · 30/10/2010 01:10

oh bloody hell. I wish I was perfect so I didn't try to be perfect and want every one else to be perfect.

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 30/10/2010 01:10

Also bear in mind that if any of the discussion here is indeed relevant to your mindset and you do change it, the fact that you mentioned you both have similar issues/backgrounds could well be a big problem in future if you begin to take charge of yourself and actions in newer healthy ways and then he doesn't...

What is now 'not abuse' may, just may become so. Depends what he is really like.

scottishmummy · 30/10/2010 01:12

you keep,posting op.what are you seeking

AlwaysMeanWellOftenWrong · 30/10/2010 01:12

dittany - everyone has a point where they cannot control themselves any more. Some reach it easier than others. Some people know where those points are and should steer well clear but just cant help keep chip chip chipping.

But - throwing a bottle of sauce is not abusive. If I try to be the perfect wife and beat myself up when in my own opinion I don't meet the mark, then I am abusing myself actually.

OP posts:
AlwaysMeanWellOftenWrong · 30/10/2010 01:14

I am seeking the perfect ending. It will not come. I need to go to bed. Thanks all for your concerns and trying to help, indeed you all have in your own ways.

OP posts:
booooooooooyhoo · 30/10/2010 01:15

OP you have now turned a row with your DH that started with you seeing the rage in his eyes and knowing he was going to throw his monthly tantrum into a new case for you not being perfect, despite the fact that you have umpteen posters here telling you that this is his problem (the temper and throwing). what has changed since you started the thread? it seems yo feel more comfortable with your role of taking the blame for his behaviour.

AlwaysMeanWellOftenWrong · 30/10/2010 01:17

We are both to blame. Both should be infinitely patient with the other but we are not. Neither should get angry and take the hump, both do. We are working on in. Getting there. Please all stop worrying and thinking I am being abused. I am not.

OP posts:
AlwaysMeanWellOftenWrong · 30/10/2010 01:18

A perfectionist cannot leave a question unanswered, so I will start my being imperfect now - no more answers.

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 30/10/2010 01:18

Dittany, in the majority I am totally with you. The one time I physically reacted to the emotional abuse by my ex partner became a huge stain on my character and led me to believe until I had counselling with women's aid, that I was an antagoniser to him. I wasn't. He strangled me right after and left me feeling both terrified and to blame - he was just escalating.

However, in a non abusive relationship way before this I was aware of being antagonistic to an ex boyfriend to the point that he would almost certainly liked to have hit me by the look on his face and comments afterwards. I acted the antagoniser because of problems I had, which caused me to be emotionally abusive to my partner. It does happen is all I am saying. I am a decent person but I had a very strong need in me back then for something to be a certain way and I was prepared to irritate my partner then to a point that took him almost beyond his patience level. I think I would have felt more satiated in my fury if I had tbh.

By the way, I am fine with sharing this stuff...it is a long time ago.

scottishmummy · 30/10/2010 01:19

actually no,most adults master self control,you describe chaotic no control.that isn't norm,it really isnt.as much as you try rationalise/generalise what you describe isnt norm between couples

habitual and recurring loss of control/explosive anger isnt norm.it really isnt.couples in grounded relationships dont do this

most people have rare situational moment and will immediately feel remorse recognise out of character

but you need an aware and volition to facilitate a change.maybe you not recognising need for change yet

booooooooooyhoo · 30/10/2010 01:22

OP it is totally natural to get angry. why do you feel you shouldn't ever get angry? anger is healthy. containing anger is not healthy. it leads to frustration and eventually you must vent. anger is good but it needs an appropriate outlet. it seems as if you are unable to tell your DH when you are upset for fear of him seeing you as less than perfect. does he not think this strange that you don't get upset? does he not share with you when he is upset?

hobbgoblin · 30/10/2010 01:23

scottishmummy is right - you are both trying to control each other where you are not controlling yourselves.

He displays an act of aggression when you do not subside in your criticising, you criticise in the face of his disrespect.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 30/10/2010 01:28

Sorry, I can't resist: please note CAPITALS are used here purely for separation of context.

" 'EEERR thats gross, try it without first.' He starts to squeeze - 'just try it first (nervous laugh to make him feel like I am not 'telling him' "

HE CAN MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS ABOUT CONDIMENTS

"to which he always adjusts the spice levels/sauce etc - I usually let it go and never say anything, even though I do sometimes feel a teency bit like he is not fully appreciating my efforts."

HE CAN MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS ABOUT CONDIMENTS

hubby

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ecause he knows I get a little prissy about sauce adding

AND YOU MENTIONED PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE???

JarethTheGoblinKing · 30/10/2010 01:30

I (personally) would ignore dittany and scottishmummy on this thread (my OWN personal thing, honestly)

Swipe left for the next trending thread