To have splatted a half eaten ice cream cone on his head?

[AlwaysMeanWellOftenWrong]

Husband arrived home from work. Kids and I had finished our tea and were eating our ice cream. He heated his up in microwave and joined us at the table. Sausage, mash, onion gravy, carrots and sweetcorn.

'oh, I'll just get some brown sauce' - he jumps up and goes and gets it. I say 'EEERR thats gross, try it without first.' He starts to squeeze - 'just try it first (nervous laugh to make him feel like I am not 'telling him' although this is obviously lost in translation)as the bottle of brown sauce is then lobbed across table and onto floor, DS4, DD1 and mother all look on mouths gaping, although mother then remembers that such childish ways of communication are quite commonplace from him.

Mother thinks (in a very quick flash) - all these things all at once - I am angry because he has had yet another 'tantrum', I am angry at myself for even saying anything anyway, he wasn't trying to say my food was tasteless, he just wanted extra flavour. And I decide to let it go and just carry on eating my ice cream... then I look up at him and he is glaring at me as if I am the wife from hell. Something inside me just releases and I just cannot resist, 'splat'! I didn't really think about it, and I am still not entirely sure of my motives but I think it was 'well, if he is going to have a tantrum, so will I'! And I certainly did not consider the consequences!

I could tell he was extremely angry by the rage in his eyes - which to me seemed absurd, to be so angry at such as silly thing, so I laughed, so much and so hysterically that I looked quite deluded, so I left the room to put the kids bath on.

About 10 seconds later, hubby was upstairs getting ironing board out 'What are you doing, you should eat your tea it will get cold' - yes you guessed it - its in the bin!

Of course, my trip wire is finally pushed right over the edge and rage erupts as I think of how ungrateful he is and feel really annoyed at him trying to punish me by making me feel guilty that he now has had no tea.

I know I was unreasonable. I know he was unreasonable. I also think it is so funny and thought you all must deserve a laugh!

We are still out of sorts with each other because I am always the first to apologise, have been for 9 years, but tonight, I am just waiting for him to decide enough is enough and that he wants to make amends. I will let you know if he ever does - very doubtful!

I will end up saying sorry, then he will say sorry. I don't think I will be able to let it go on much longer.

AAAHH, the joys of having a marriage to uphold!

I think you should think about the controlling behaviours tbh

Ask yourself where your marriage is at for one of you to be so sick of the situation underneath all the 'gloss' that they are throwing things, and why the other of you is so sick of making herself happily tolerate the situation that she is splatting ice cream cones on his head.

Marriage is not auditions for a new slap stick comedy.

Even a good marriage isn't as 'perfect nearly all the time' as yours. Why are you not able to ackowledge your marital failings? That says a lot to me.

I get naffed off with DP putting salt on the meals I make without tasting them if it helps. It also takes a certain amount of self will to stfup about it. When I was married I would have said something in old fish wife sort of style. Now divorced, I know a little better.

We do. We both admit we have issues with our temper and we both try to be calm.

Neither of us is abusive, just sometimes a little bit self centred, childish and self indulgent.

Hubby often gets exasperated at me, and cannot say how he feels, sometimes he does throw something because he is frustrated.

Neither of us had much help with this as children, that's why we are so keen to keep cool and learn how to be more and more patient with each other.

Does not mean our relationship is not rosy. We rarely argue now as we have been working on this for 9 years and the tantrum moments are getting less and less, more talking and communication is happening.

Maybe I posted because I wanted to feel ridiculed at this particular behaviour, who knows?

I know we are both loving. I know we both are not perfect. I know we belong together forever and we will clash over things because of our natures. But we try to clash as few times and as small as we can.

dittany - yes. I thought he was disrespectful. I should have kept my gob shut. I should not be so touchy but I am. He should have realised, as he knows what I am like and diffused the situation, as should I . Neither did. Explosion. Usually I am the one who is most in control and backs down. Sometimes bobby is the diffuser. This time, no one - wow - makes me more sure I am doing the right thing by trying my best to get us both to be little goodies!

hobbgoblin - exactly. We are each individuals together for a combined goal. We both have to remember that. Sometimes we try to control each other - that is bad, has bad results.

I am trying to be less fish wife, more, delish wife!

dittany - neither of us has ever 'hurt' the other physically or deliberately tried to hurt the other mentally. (unfortunately in heat of rage one or two expletives have been issued and taken back with an apology)

Well for all the blah blah speak, if any of this is remotely true, and to some of us it sounds like a load of nonsense, surely the only thing to be said is that both of you behaved like children, it wasn't funny and you shouldn't be boasting about your silly behaviour. Can't you just control yourselves instead of working through things for 9 years? That's a lot of time.

always, it sound slike you are doing alot of trying. is yoru DH putting as much effort into this as you? and also, working on your relationship and temper doesn't have to mean biting your tongue. it means finding a better way to work through issues rather than letting them build up til you have a situation liek you did earlier.

healthy relationship dont need control.they need affirmation,cooperation

dittany - really, he is not. He is a bit spoiled, but so am I sometimes.

He is honest, hard working, loving, caring..... all the things you want along with a few faults, like us all.

That's why we forgive each other so readily - because we both have each others faults to various degrees.

Well from the other thread I will venture as to diagnose a worrying dose of perfectionism in you. What about DH?

A perfectionist would freak about the sauce.

A perfectionist would also want their marriage to be close to faultless.

A perfectionist would find it hard to deal with failings, hence bizarre pseudo-humour-flinging-splatting behaviour...

????????? any use?

I have been all of the above so if it is useful to see my perspective on my own similar behaviours then great. It would be nice if you could keep to one marriage, no divorce (unlike me!)

booooooooooooooooyhoo - No, he is not putting in as much effort - he is a MAN!

They don't have quite as many feelings and worries as us little hormonal beings. Strange that it all happens once a month...

hobbgoblin - Yes - I hate being wrong about things, but I know that I often am. - Hence my name!

But I do always mean well. I have such a big heart. I am also so naive.

hobbgoblin - you say have been - have you learned to be less hard on yourself?

I think I am a perfectionist is certain chosen areas - I don't apply it to everything.

for as long as you find excuses and quips for dh you will always live life on hoof wondering what he will do next

there is no hormonal reason for a man to be a cunt.so dont bother looking for scientific excuses for your bad tempered man

ahh, see there is your problem. you are placating him because he is a man and it is your duty as a wife to keep him sweet, yes? now you have seen where that gets you. sort it out. tell him to buck up his ideas. tehre are 2 of you in this marriage and if he doesn't respect you enough to want to work on his temper then you will no longer be cooking perfect meals for him or biting your tongue.

Well, perhaps my final comment on this should be (from one perfectionist to a possible other):

If you can't keep this marriage working whilst putting in the lion's share of effort then although you may consider this a failure, and though in some ways it is, it is also an opportunity. It is marvellous to be perfectly successful and brilliant but more admirable and pleasurable to be like everyone else in the world who fucks up from time to time.

do people still really believe the 'man' excuse for shit behaviour? really?

Oh for gods sake, she perhaps shouldn't have told him not to have sauce, but HE THREW A BOTTLE ACROSS THE ROOM IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!!! Granted her reaction was ott also, but he bloody started it! Ease off

It is simpler to change your own behaviour than to attempt to influence another's.