To have splatted a half eaten ice cream cone on his head?

[AlwaysMeanWellOftenWrong]

Husband arrived home from work. Kids and I had finished our tea and were eating our ice cream. He heated his up in microwave and joined us at the table. Sausage, mash, onion gravy, carrots and sweetcorn.

'oh, I'll just get some brown sauce' - he jumps up and goes and gets it. I say 'EEERR thats gross, try it without first.' He starts to squeeze - 'just try it first (nervous laugh to make him feel like I am not 'telling him' although this is obviously lost in translation)as the bottle of brown sauce is then lobbed across table and onto floor, DS4, DD1 and mother all look on mouths gaping, although mother then remembers that such childish ways of communication are quite commonplace from him.

Mother thinks (in a very quick flash) - all these things all at once - I am angry because he has had yet another 'tantrum', I am angry at myself for even saying anything anyway, he wasn't trying to say my food was tasteless, he just wanted extra flavour. And I decide to let it go and just carry on eating my ice cream... then I look up at him and he is glaring at me as if I am the wife from hell. Something inside me just releases and I just cannot resist, 'splat'! I didn't really think about it, and I am still not entirely sure of my motives but I think it was 'well, if he is going to have a tantrum, so will I'! And I certainly did not consider the consequences!

I could tell he was extremely angry by the rage in his eyes - which to me seemed absurd, to be so angry at such as silly thing, so I laughed, so much and so hysterically that I looked quite deluded, so I left the room to put the kids bath on.

About 10 seconds later, hubby was upstairs getting ironing board out 'What are you doing, you should eat your tea it will get cold' - yes you guessed it - its in the bin!

Of course, my trip wire is finally pushed right over the edge and rage erupts as I think of how ungrateful he is and feel really annoyed at him trying to punish me by making me feel guilty that he now has had no tea.

I know I was unreasonable. I know he was unreasonable. I also think it is so funny and thought you all must deserve a laugh!

We are still out of sorts with each other because I am always the first to apologise, have been for 9 years, but tonight, I am just waiting for him to decide enough is enough and that he wants to make amends. I will let you know if he ever does - very doubtful!

I will end up saying sorry, then he will say sorry. I don't think I will be able to let it go on much longer.

AAAHH, the joys of having a marriage to uphold!

[waits for arse-kicking]

so continue with-high expressed emotion every tea time

because that's conducuve for children upbringing,and formalising future pattern of relationships

to reiterate bleeding obvious-this isnt normative

I admit I haven't read these past 11 pages of thread (life too short, I'm afraid). But I read your post and the first page of shock and vitriole.

It doesn't sound very happy for anyone, does it? I think your saying it was a laugh and your own laughter is because you've got to the point where you feel the life you're living has become ridiculous and in some ways, it clearly has.

I feel badly for you I really do, and your children. But I think writing what happened here is your first step to turning it around. You CAN turn it around, you know what you have to change about your behaviour (note, behaviour, not self) and you can, when you've worked on this a bit, talk PRIVATELY to your husband about it and tell him what you've been trying to do, and ask him to help you put the family back together.

Don't give up. And try to see past whatever rude or hurtful comments may have cropped up in the past 11 pages.

Seriously, what is brown sauce???

plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

this thread has gone a whole lot of nowhere

LOL jabberwocky - brown/daddies/HP sauce is a vile condiment used solely for expressing ones disinterest in the actual taste of food in front of you . It is brown, say no more.

Well I desagree Lion, Chocolate is mostly brown too so I am definitely a friend of brown food

my word this HAS rumbled on and on.

Actually OP has become more open to suggestion since page 1

I never ignore Dittany's contributions on any thread. I usually, if not always, agree with every post of hers I've read on here. More importantly, however, I cannot overstate the sheer amount I've learned from her with particular regard to threads about women and feminism. Why the hell would any woman want to ignore that?

hobbgoblin = Thanks to your support and lack of judgement, which I guess comes from having a similar hating of being judged harshly as myself, I have researched a little bit about personality types.

I suggest that I have Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is quite hard to admit given how much I am now open to be judged by it!

What to do with this revelation is not clear. Trying to fix myself is trying to be perfect which is a symptom of the problem itself!

One thing I know for sure though - I am fed up with trying so hard all day every day, sick of the constant inner voice, sick of driving myself crazy when those around me and I don't match up to my ridiculously unrealistic (although this takes hindsight to see unfortunately) expectations.

I do not want to pass this stupid self destructive trait onto my children if they have not already been pre disposed to it via genetics.

I guess you cannot swim to the surface until your car has hit the bottom and the pressure has equalised.

dittany - I think it is so many things too complicated to explain forged through years of self torment all in the fruitless pursuit to be accepted completely for who and what I am, valued, loved and appreciated.

by everyone. That's the problem I think. No one can be liked and seen as perfect by everyone. You cannot even be seen as perfect by your nearest or yourself. Not in a healthy way anyway.

I know all this, but it is part of me. My make up. It will take years of therapy I suggest to even start to unravel and amend the bad behaviour and thought pattens.

I don't know if I can admit to anyone 'real' that I think I have a problem. It is likely that I will continue to try and correct myself. Largely, I am fine with this, until my life gets stressful like it is at the moment. In times of ease, the problem is really minor. It gets magnified when I am troubled elsewhere.

jabberwocky

brown sauce

I get the feeling, though, reading through everything that has been put to Always and everything she has said, that she is the one with Narcissistic personality disorder, and that she is the one that's bordering on being abusive.

You're trying to make him fight fire with fire.

It just feels very sinister to me.
There's too much rationalization going on for it to be his fault entirely.

I don't know, dittany, it's just a feeling.

I might be completely wrong, but there's something odd about the way she's trying to rationalise her "perfectionism".
(I probably am - I'm not very good at reading people)

I did notice the bit about the mashed potato, and that was passive aggressive, but I also noted that she gave him mash even though she knew he didn't like it.

pickled i felt that a bit aswell, although tbh didn't want to say it for fear of being accused of siding with an abuser (her DH).

it feels a bit like the Beautiful South song where they keep being horrible to each other on purpose.

Agree with pickled babe- it's almost as if always writes in th third person in a round about way.