DSD abortion thread part II

[GivesHeadlessHorseman]

carry on ladies....

Think DSD should know this - that an abortion is still available under GA (so DSD will be asleep) - but Tess won't be pushing her to take that option. Nor will Tess be looking after the baby.

And then ask dsd what she has decided about:
a)telling the father and his parents as she will be showing soon
b)is she prepared to face up to all the school knowing she is pg and how/when it was conceived?
c)does she want to look at other education options such as school with M2B unit ir creche so she can be with baby in her lunch hour etc?
d)amnio to know if there are any disabilities to prepare for (increased risk at her age)

Hope too this is what dh has been discussing with dsd whilst they've been left together and not just telling her it will be all right, they'll all pitch in (i.e. Tess) and they'll buy the pram

Exactly what would someone have to google though to find it? and why would they, unless they were looking for it? I think just move it so it isn't accidentally found.

DSD doesn't want an abortion, she told her dad she had sex on a dare. She wont be too scared to tell someone elses parents.

Also Tess doesn't agree with it at this stage, I am pro choice but would not want to have an abortion at 16 weeks either, or to push someone in to one.

Will she consider open adoption? (sorry if its been covered in one of the other enormous threads on this).

She has to know that the baby will need 24 hr attention, when she herself is tired or ill, or wants to go out with a new BF, she clearly doesn't realise the true implications of parenthood.

I've heard of this before, where a displaced girl starts a family very early, because basically they want someone who is always going to love THEM.

sorry if not terribly helpful. Its a complicated situation!

She isn't up for any of it anonymosity. I think open adoption would be quite painful myself, especially to a child who has been abandoned by her mother. Giving up a child and then never being able to recover from it because you are receiving updates and photos would be really upsetting

OK, that makes complete sense. I do think adoption is potentially extremely upsetting for any woman, but I know that some have taken /do take comfort from the occasional update letter / photo, a reassurance that the child is happy and well loved...I don't know what else to say really. I really hope everything works out for everyone though, its very sad all round.

No, I think an adoption would be the wrong way forwards for a girl with abandonment issues. Of course it isn't for me to say how she would feel doing anything, yet I wonder if it would set off feelings of 'I'm a bad person becasue I abandonned my baby just like my Bio mum abandonned me'?

Plus, open adoption is a bit of a crapshoot. She has no say in whether she gets updates or not. If the a-fam decide they want a closed adoption becasue they don't want their child's bmom in their lives, then what can dsd do about it? Nothing.

Plus, then DSD wouldn't know how her baby is getting on. I can't imagine not knowing whether your baby is alive or dead, which is what it will be like if there is a closed adotion. And what about being plagued by worries such as 'what if my precious child is being abused', 'what if they hate me for relinquishing them', 'what if she is unhappy' etc etc

anyway, this is all a bit academic seeing as the baby appears to be going nowhere and DSD will be parenting

Sending more support to you Tess and to your whole family :)

glad to hear you're feeling brighter today Tess :) hope your break from home helps the whole situation

could I ask that you Tess start the thread in OTBT though? it makes it much easier to find your replies as they're in brown if you're the original poster

Fair enough Discowife, just imo it's important for dsd to meet the reality of her situation is now - whilst there is still a choice - not just in the far off future when she gets a cute bundle to love and push in her pram.o In knowing abortion still could be an option, but Tess is not advocating one, takes away any teenage 'you can't tell me what to do' resistance in this. If DSD is prepared to take this all on, then it shows her commitment to the path she's naively chosen.

Dont know if I'm too late - posting while catching up but...

Tess if you're about could you start a new thread in otbt so it's there to move on to? Just that it would be good of your posts were highlighted iyswim?

New thread here

Tess, I hope you are getting some much needed space

I think this thread is so insightful. The whole subject of what the best 'solution', if there can be one, is one thing. That is very emotive and it is quite humbling reading posters' experiences on both sides of the fence.

The other big subject of sexual education and responsibility seems just HUGE. I don't know quite what to think. I certainly wouldn't want my 13/14/15/16 year old DDs to be having sex, and I would hope that they would be in a stable relationship before doing so, but balancing that and giving them the means to be safe whilst encouraging responsibility -what are the options? I mean providing contraception sounds so sensible, yet in its own way somehow condoning and almost encouraging.

It does make me think that no matter what my personal hopes for my children, it is essential that sex education is seen as natural and important to talk about from an early age as, say, personal hygiene.

To read a thread like this is incredible, alongside threads which say 'my 12 year old asked what a condom was, and I didn't know what to say '. Where is the middle ground?

I think Wotnochocs' point about this being a different situation from Louie's is a very valid one.

I agree, Lougle -- The latent period of childhood is just a short breather before 'Parenthood Part II, The Really Tricky Part' starts. By the sound of that thread and by the shock and surprise about the Rainbow parties or Lipstick parties, it seems some are living in a bubble. The toddler years are a walk in the park by comparison to what you are dealing with when it comes to teenagers and their friends and their world.

It behoves parents to look beyond academic performance as an indicator of how a child is doing.

I really recommend looking at some of the pornography threads here on MN; many are in the Feminism section. Articles by Robert Jensen should be required reading for parents -- this is the world our children are living in, both boys and girls. We should all take our heads out of the sand.

We owe it to our children to get over our distaste for hip hop or rap or whatever it is that makes us shudder, and listen carefully to what our DCs are surrounded by. And yes, boys need to have a very clear message drummed home by their parents, because everything out there in society is telling them the exact opposite of what most responsible parents would want them to believe about themselves and about girls and about relationships.

Well, my eldest is 7 and already knows what sex is, how babies get made, the proper names for everyone's reproductive orgains and parts, that hers are her own to control, that it's best for people to be adults when they have babies and a whole lot of other stuff.

She has any questions, she just blurts them out and I answer them.

No mysteries.

I don't see it as encouraging at all. Knowledge is power, IMO.

I want her and her sister and brother to have that and most of all confidence, self-esteem, self-respect and personal responsibility so they can hopefully be as best placed as I can get them when they need to make decisions.

It's the only way to go Expat. Although I was surprised to learn how much DD1 had completely forgotten from age 5 or so when we had a converstaion about babies to age 10 when the subject came up again. I was pregnant twice from the time she was 5 to when she was 10/11 and she didn't mention it. I decided when she was 9 or 10 and the school started sex ed to bring up the subject again and develop from where I thought we had left off, but I needed to go right back to the basics. You have to keep on at them and not assume they have remembered anything.

..

math - we don't know whether or not it's a completely different situation and I think Louie's post has the potential to be quite useful - or not. It was very brave of her to post it, and it might give Tess some food for thought and maybe different questions to ask her DSD. Of course her DSD might be on a completely different thought process than Louie; but she might not and Louie's insight might prove very useful.

I think what I saw as the differences were the fact that there's an unfit biological mother somewhere in this DSD's past, with whom she spent her formative years, and she is now living with a stepmum and her dad, whereas Louie came from a supportive family with no mention of step parents or an upbringing by a flake whose whereabouts are now unknown. I admire her for posting her story -- many very moving posts in this thread. Very thought-provoking too.

Tess - sorry, I haven't read all the posts -but it's not true regarding terminations at sixteen weeks.

I work at the John Radcliffe hospital in oxford, and terminations after twelve weeks are medical ie. induced miscarriage. The woman takes an oral tablet then returns to the hospital two days later when tablets are put into the vagina to induce 'labour'. Still unpleasant, I accept, but not half so horrific as the surgical procedure described to your dsd.

There are options.