DSD abortion thread part II

[GivesHeadlessHorseman]

carry on ladies....

Oh dear. Have been thinking of you, Tess.

Oh Tess

Anyone else having to adjust to the brown OP boxes not being Tess? Bizzare.

Oh heck

Oh Tess - I am so sorry that you're in this dreadful mess.

When I read your update re: dsd and wondering whether you'd help at nights I just felt like crying. I thought of the desperation of the exhaustion of night feeds and settling and how completely completely incapable I would have been at 14 years old to cope with that. It was hard enough at 29, with DH helping.

I just cannot see how if she has the baby (which I think is a terrible terrible mistake for a child to have to live with) and stays living with you, how you could not end up helping, however much you don't want to. And that is the sadness of the situation because I can't see it ending well under any of the scenarios.

'D'H (hereafter referred to as H) came in all apologetic, wanting to be very lovey dovey kissy kissy. I gave him a face and told him DSD was upstairs and we needed to have a chat. When he realised I wasn't in a kiss and make up mood he turned sour and said 'Fine' then grabbed a chair and sat on it backwards like some sort of weird film waiting for me to talk!

I sat down, gave him brief recap of the dinner with DSD last night and how she wanted to keep baby and the steps she mentioned she would take. Then I took him through GP appt (well, the bits I was there for). He interrupted me to say 'Did you find out who the father is?' I said no. He got upset but didn't say anything so I carried on.

After I was done I asked him what the hell he meant yesterday by the fact I have all the time to take care of baby. He said it was obvious that I just have a couple of clients in the week and do the rest of the computer work 'for a couple of hours' (in reality it is more like a full day!) so I would be able to fit all that around the baby. When I said I didn't want to take care of another baby and pointed out the fact we both got sterilised to prevent that happening he said 'We have no choice. She's my daughter and she's keeping this baby and I am not throwing her out like her mother did'. I got very pissed off and said that just yesterday he reminded me she is now MY daughter too so I should have just as much say in how things are handled, never mind that this will affect the boys.

He got upset saying I'd always preferred the boys over her and coddled them, etc. which is very unfair and I can't pick and choose when I want to mother her. I am ashamed to say I shouted quite a bit and didn't at all get my point across but then point blank asked him at some point throughout all of this what would happen in the night when DSD decides she's not waking up to feed the baby? Who's going to feed it? He said and I quote: 'You will, just like you did with the boys, especially if you love her just as much as them. You woke up with them and I have to go to work so I can't do it, only every now and then.'

I flew off the handle and then brought up the fact he acted like an immature cunt last night going out and getting pissed. I asked him would he be prepared to have just DSD and her baby in the house if I left with the boys and he turned completely around, broke down sobbing saying he just wanted to be a good dad to her and not drop her in things. I said she needs to step up and be a parent and yes we can support her but I will be DAMNED if I raise the baby for her. He agreed and has gone to get a takeaway.

I'm not sure I totally believe him, I think he just got scared when I threatened leaving. I think his comment that he will not get up is very true but I'm so stunned by his attitude, he is honestly a wonderful father and husband 99% of the time. We have been together 12 years and never had anything remotely this upsetting happen between us. I quite like the idea of whoever said to draw up a contract between the 3 of us, but how will that be viable really? Obviously things aren't over but needed a huge breather. I did suggest to him we go for counselling and he agreed so I suppose that's a step in the right direction.

All I can think to say it don't let your step daughter hear all this as she might have the abortion to keep the family together and that can't be a good ending either.

Oh tess I am so sad for you it seems he is behaving like a child I personally think his attitude is doing harm to your DSD if she is to choose this she needs to know what she is signing up for

Don't worry phipps she didn't hear a thing - they are having some singing contest upstairs and we have despite all the arguing managed to keep things in fairly low tones.

He is trying to be a good father but he still has to be a good husband.

Oh God Tess. I don't even know what to say about any of that yet, but Oh God. Poor you.

I guess you need to keep having these discussions with him how you do work during the week and you do have committments and if he isn't prepared for her to go to a mother & baby unit then he needs to be the one to help her not just you.

I am on your behalf.

Tess, you've had a hard evening, haven't you?

There are good parts to that conversation, from the sound of it, as well as stuff that needs to be sorted. I expect your (D)H is feeling guilty, partly, because let's face it, what Dad would want their DD to go out and get pregnant to cover their feelings of loneliness?

Give each other time - I know time isn't necessarily on your side depending on scan dates if your DSD was going to abort, but it sounds like she firmly isn't, so there are several months to iron out expectations and boundaries.

Other posters are right in saying that you don't have to be forced into anything. There will be a solution, and there will be support. The Kent Teenage Pregnancy Partnership will have seen all this before, and will willingly talk you through the different support options.

Have a

I personally think that a reality check is required for your dsd and to a certain extent I think that entails her being privy to the godawful mess that her saying she wants to keep the baby is having on her family. She needs to be aware that her choice has impacts on all the people around her who have no choice in what happens next.

Tess try to answer this as honestly as you can - it's not a trick question and there is no right or wrong answer. How would you feel if this was your own birth child? Yours are boys so it's a slightly different scenario becasue they'd be unlikely to live with you, but try to imagine.

Oh tess for all the differences of opinion on here we are all thinking of you. Awful situation you are in and what a strong person you sound.

Not they'd be unlikely to live with you - their baby would. Sorry.

I'm so sorry, Tess. But it sounds as if your (D)H is at least starting to think about it from your point of view? Second what was already said about him feeling guilty for his DS being in this situation.

Oh Tess you are being the one rational voice in this awful situation. Your 'h' just doesn't seem to get it does he. Neither he nor your dsd would appear to have had any sort of grasp on reality.

I'm not too surprised with her, he I would imagine, has utterly flummoxed your expectation of him.

I guess also him taking such a dim view of your life and work must hurt.

I have been watching this thread. I am sorry I have no advice to offer, but just wanted to say Tess, I think you are bloody marvelous, you are getting great advice here and are doing all of the right things (imho), you are doing an amazing job. Your whole family is lucky to have you. Keep strong, I'm sure you will get through this together as a family whatever is decided. Your (D)H is probably as terrified as DSD and is doing that man thing of hiding in his cave and hoping it will all go away. A contract sounds like an excellent idea, another way for your DSD to see all the implications of having a small baby, in practice a contract may not work, but at least it will give you a starting point and a good start for an honest and open discussion about all of the practicalities. Good luck x

Tess, you have done amazingly well talking with both DSD and your husband when you are in such turmoil. I don't actually think that the conversation with your DH was so bad, as he needed to be put straight about what was happening, I guess he just saw an obvious (to him) solution which kept his DSD happy and didn't really challenge her. You were right to let him know that it just isn't going to happen like that (this is what my husband would do, come up with a brilliant plan without asking me whatsoever). He doesn't want to lose you, I'm sure and if he didn't realise the stakes were high before by depending on you for child-care, he sure does now.

I would keep talking, all of you. Many many things may happen, DSD may be farther/les far along than you think, the father may reveal himself, she may miscarry, you may get external help from various sources, she may visit someone with a baby and be horrified, all of this is unfolding. I don't get the impression this is anyone's last word on the matter.

Oh Tess, so sorry he's being such a twat about it.

I think it is so, so important you dont start concecing your ground because it may end up seeming like the easiest option - but the long-term implications for you will be awful.

(Sorry to be all practical and off-topic but I wonder of MNHQ could do something to switch the op highlighting to tess? Cos, especially if this thread runs like the other one, it'll be very hard to keep up)

I've also been reading and I also think that Tess you're amazing. Good for you for standing your ground.

Pooka = yes - if DSD thinks she is grown up enough for a baby, then she needs to be grown up enough to handle grown-up things like conflict, tension and emotions running high. Escaping from it by playing in her room with her mates is hiding the ugliness this whole situation is causing.

She's going to have to be more grown up than her dad. When the baby's crying and demanding things she won't be able to go out and get lashed or escape on a takeaway mercy dash after a bit of a snivel.

Tess - thoughts and hugs.