DSD abortion thread part II

[GivesHeadlessHorseman]

carry on ladies....

Tess What an awful situation for you to be in.

Did the sonographer really say "if she is having a termination she has to go to London as most doctors will not perform abortions this far into the pregnancy on moral grounds."

My DH is a doctor and he looked very when I told him this.

He said the part re moral grounds is extremely unlikely. He wondered if what the sonographer actually said to your DSD was that your local hospital didn't have the facilities to undertake late terminations and she would need to attend a tertiary centre for the procedure. I used to live in Kent so I could have a rough guess in what area you live. Is it likely that the nearest tertiary / specialist obs + gynae care centre to you is perhaps one of the teaching hospitals in London / Surrey?

I don't know if I would agree with that, just that I feel it is a parent's responsibility to a) talk to their dc about contraceptive choices as soon as they get to 11-12yo, and b) Take them to the FPC to GET some contraception as soon (or preferably before!) as they become sexually active. Well informed consent to contraception is best all round. You won't stop teenagers from having sex, but you can at least be responsible for ensuring that they have some form of contraception on board while they're doing it!

I wouldn't push DD into getting an implant when she becomes 'active', despite my thinking that it would be the best type of contraceptive for a teenager. DD will make that decision herself, but if she chooses the pill, I will (at least until she is 16yo) be ensuring that she takes it daily, and if she chooses the injection, I will help her to be responsible by booking the 3-monthly appointments for her. I will also be pushing the fact that only condoms protect against STD's....

Oh, Tess. I'm glad you're getting away for a few days. I'm with Spikdoodly and Math on the way your husband's acting - or failing to act - here. You did all the donkey work for the boys, too, didn't you? It's women's work to him, I suspect.

By the way, and this is aimed at the general commentariat - this comes up over and over on Mumsnet, but Lipstick Parties are an urban myth. It's just not even feasible - think about it, to leave a lipstick ring you'd have to not move your mouth!

TorturesInAHalfHell good point, I was a bit at all of that... I have also only ever heard of it in a JOdie Picoult book!

Loudlass when I started going out with my first boyfriend, both my grandmas marched me down to the doctors so I could go on the pill At the time I was all eye-rolly and mortified as I had been using condoms before then, so not exactly irresponsible (was also terrified of getting pregnant), but underneath that I found it rather heartwarming. My mum was dead and my dad was still mid-midlife crisis about it, so the fact that my grannies had taken such an interest in my life AND given me tacit acceptance of my burgeoning sexuality was quite reassuring.

apologies for use of the phrase 'burgeoning sexuality' btw. Off to cliche detox for me!

loudlass but it's only the minority of parents who would be that proactive. Most put their heads in the sand as to their teenagers' sexuality. And it's the least proactive parents who have the children who will be most likely to need this course of action.

Tortoises thanks for that!

DH offered to let me test the theory of different lipsticks but I declined.

I'm sure this thread has got many parents talking to their teens or at least thinking about many issues. It's certainly got me thinking although my two are way off this stage yet.

Not sure that'll be of any comfort to Tes.

Hope she's away getting some respite.

I think Tess and her DH don't have much responsibilty to the girl really with the raising of the baby aspect, but as her parents they are responsible for making sure the boy's parents don't lose it on her. She is only 14 and a pregnant woman and only as responsible as the boy in question (arguably less if they were meant to be using a withdrawl form of contraception and he uh didn't)

MaryZ, when that was me, I would have died of embarrassment too - but when I was 16 and actually sexually active, I would have remembered the conversation and come to my Mum for advice. I think. Certainly my Mum gave me advice well before I needed it, and it stayed with me and I was always responsible with contraception. And when I was accidentally-and-unwantedly pregnant at 19, I knew i could tell her and she wouldn't judge. So it might seem pointless right now, but it's really not. I knew what contraception was available to me and how to get it, and I also knew that if something went wrong, she wouldn't stop loving me.

Also, anyone with sons who is thinking "well the girl is to blame if she tells him she's on the pill" what the fucking hell are you teaching your boys about STDS? I mean, sorry, but that's a breathtaking abdication of responsibility, right there. Teach your sons to use condoms unless they're willing to stick with a pregnancy, because if they don't trust their girlfriend enough to believe that she's on the pill, they shouldn't trust her enough to believe she's not carrying an STD either. FFS.

maryz You are right that it is probably the girls who make one drunken mistake who are more likely to end up pregnant. If I were you I'd get the contraception sorted. If 13/14/15 yos don't need it then why are we giving 12yos the hpv jab?

tortures- I'll be telling my DS that any babies he makes he's sticking around and taking responsibility for. But I'm that most Mums of boys are quite happy for them to walk away.

it's very common for girls in the US to go on the pill as a matter of course around 12 or 13 under the pretense of relieving period pains and helping clear up skin.
maybe it's not a bad idea to introduce it to girls this way, though condoms are still crucial of course.

chandellina I think for most of those girls it isn't a pretense. In the states doctors are just more likely to medicate you for things you don't really need.

If they are going to start pushing chemical birth control early I'd like to see the implant as the way to go. No "forgetting" or genuinely forgetting and no thinking I'm a bit sad this week, a baby would help. They have to really consider having it out.

Then book an appt (which in my area takes a couple months) and then wait for their fertility to return to normal

Maryz, at the end of the day you have to trust your daughter at some level. Arm her with the right knowledge, e.g. morning after pill and even the risks from a drunken mistake can be reduced.

The thing is though, sometimes pregnancy won't be the worst outcome of a drunken mistake.

Graphical pictures of std's was some of the best contraception I had!

Just had that convo with DP about the DS's actually (DS's are 8yo and almost 7yo, so nowhere near that point yet, but still!). DP at first was trying to make the point that if a girl said she was on the pill and she fell pg, she shouldn't have lied. Once I exlained to him that it would be just as much our DS's fault for not putting something on it, he realised that I was speaking the truth! My DS's when they get to that age will have it drummed into them to take responsibility for their ability to procreate.

Why wouldn't you ensure that your dc (be they girl or boy) has access and knowledge of all the different forms of contraception out there? Why would some parents bury thier heads in the sand? It's not exactly responsible parenting, is it?

I have just had another conversation with DD - she has said that she doesn't think that she will remember to take the pill every day, and she doesn't like the idea of an injection every 3 months, and she would rather have an implant and not have to worry so much. Her choice, mind you.

Am I that unusual in taking such a pro-active stance on this? If so, no wonder the teenage pregnancy rate is rising and rising. Until all parents are pro-active about this, and insist on their DS's being just as responsible as their DD's, surely the teen pregnancy rate won't come down? I don't want my DD to become another statistic like I did!

Tess another thought I had if the boys parents deny its anything to do with their son - an amnio can proof paternity.

And yes I agree with all posters that implant is way to go for teenagers - no forgetting to take, or running about, or sickness making it ineffective.

And DD assures me that in her PSHE lessons that covered sex ed in Y6 and Y7, they talked about the fact that you CAN get pregnant the first time you have sex, that if a boy says that you don't love him if you make him wear a condom that it's not true (and he probably doesn't love you!), that condoms are the only way to prevent STD's, that there are a number of different forms of birth control. So surely no-one can say they are uninformed even if their parents don't talk to them? .

This thread is terrifying, really. My DD is only 18mo and I'm still scared for her when she grows up. I didn't lose my virginity till I was in my 20s - I really hope she waits until shes mature enough to cope with the possible fallout too!

One last thing about the amnio as it seems to be being pushed quite alot... when it doesn't seem really that necessary. The chance of downs is very very small. Is this a little bit about punishing the girl? make her take the needle, childbirth will be worse etc?

Although Tess' dsd won't be the only teenager in this situation in her neck of the woods if she is concerned about being identifiable, there is OTBT threads now on MN which don't come up in search or active convos, I believe.