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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DSD to have an abortion?

1002 replies

TessoftheDamned · 25/10/2010 00:16

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought Hmm was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Discowife · 26/10/2010 19:11

As has been said a million times she hasn't a clue what she is getting herself in to. Shd couldn't possibly, she didnt get pregnant to upset her family clearly. SHe is desperate for love. I think it is all very sad. She should be allowed to keep her baby and her father needs to sort himself out and if he doesn't start being a very very good grandad it will ruin his marriage. he will ruin the marriage not the 14 year old.

mathanxiety · 26/10/2010 19:13

V good point there Discowife.

reachforthestars · 26/10/2010 19:15

It does sound like there have been problems brewing in the relationship for some time and they're just being brought to the fore by this incident. It seems very likely to me that the marriage won't survive this, whatever decision the girl makes.

scaleymcnamechange · 26/10/2010 19:15

I hope it is not too late for her to have a termination and I hope she can be persuaded/coerced whatever anyone wants to call it, that this would be better for her the dsd in the long run, let alone anyone else in the family. I think I have an inkling of how difficult it is to get teenagers to see sense, so professional councelling from Brook Street or a local teen pregnancy advice service (such as the one linked to earlier in the thread) might be more helpful than your dh and you, as the "wicked" stepmother, doing the talking. Throw everything you've got at this situation until you have exhausted all possibilities, for your own sake, op. Thoughts are with you.

piscesmoon · 26/10/2010 19:15

' A lot of burden for a newborn baby to have, to make a 14 year old 'feel loved'.

This 14 yr old has a lot of problems-I think that she needs help from outside the family.

I don't think it is very helpful to say that you 'don't give a shit' wetaugust-OP wouldn't have the dilemma if she didn't care! She is in a rock and a hard place-you can't turn out a child and yet she doesn't want to be a mother again. I suspect that she knows that DSD will go ahead-will be utterly clueless about looking after a baby and Tess will have to help. Also DSD won't be able to handle the DC (born to love her)shouting 'I hate you'! She will take it personally.
I think that Tess is too close and DH seems useless-professional help seems the way to go.

electra · 26/10/2010 19:15

WetAugust

Weepy sentimental moments? How about (even more) irreparable psychological damage? Or would you not care about that either?

I guess there will always be some people who don't care, or who choose to ignore that mental well being is as important as physical well being.

We all deserve parents who support us, make sacrifices for us and who do give a sht when things go wrong, and help us even when they aren't happy about it. Those of us who had parents who don't give a sht end up on the stately homes threads. But it sounds as if Tess is just the kind of caring, supportive parent her DSD needs.

NothereisnobodylurkingbehindU · 26/10/2010 19:16

WEtaugust - I *cannot^ believe your 'puppy' point! Wtf are you thinking - how dare you hold this young woman's choice in such contempt? I think the op has been very measured in the face of huge distress and upheaval - but some of you are just beyond words. Lacking in compassion and respect to a frankly staggering degree.

piscesmoon · 26/10/2010 19:17

I think that actually the boys would probably adapt to a baby -I don't think that is so much of a worry as taking away Tess's freedom.

sungirltan · 26/10/2010 19:17

agree with discowife

PortoFangO · 26/10/2010 19:19

Agree electra, Tess seems to be handling this fantastically well. I would be devasted if my dd came home PG aged 14. There would be much shouting.

scaleymcnamechange · 26/10/2010 19:23

I thought the puppy idea was a good idea tbh. But only if this 14 year old has the maturity to look after a dog and take it out for a walk a couple of times a day until she leaves home.

If this girl wants to have a baby because she wants unconditional love, then a puppy provides that with a whole lot less trouble and baggage than another child who, lets face it, is likely to be be born into a family where the mother is simply not ready for motherhood and the grandparents, frankly, would rather the child did not exist. Not a great start in life for a baby is it?

spidookly · 26/10/2010 19:25

Giddy

"DSD has already said she intentionally didn't use protection and knew that pregnancy was a possibility. To foist this life changing event onto a whole family is actually pretty selfish"

Yes, but selfish in the idiotic way that 14 year olds are selfish.

The thing that's so heartbreaking is that it is obvious to us that she has done this on purpose but that she has no clue at all what she's really taken on.

I would find it hard to be angry with her (and I NEVER find it hard to be angry :o), although I'm sure I might want to throttle her at times for being so obtuse.

I'm surprised by how defeatist some people are being about how OP will supposedly end up taking on full childcare.

From where I'm sitting (presuming the DH gets his shit together once the initial shock has worn off) there is plenty of scope for an acceptable understanding to be reached that doesn't involve anyone leaving the family.

At the very, very top of the list should be that the OP will not be looking after the child during the day while DSD is at school. Nights and weekends are important too - but the most damaging situation for the OP, as I see it, is that she ends up being an unpaid childminder while her DSD carries on with her life as before.

Things like GCSEs etc will just have to be managed - it is not the OP's responsibility to smooth things over for her DSD. Her responsibility (should she accept it, and clearly she has the choice not to) is to offer support.

Reasonable support is allowing DSD and her baby to live in the family home, being there for her emotionally, and offering some limited financial and childcare (so she can have the odd night/day out with her friends).

It is not reasonable for anyone involved to think that the OP should raise the child so her DSD can carry on her life as though this baby never happened. If that's what she wants, she can have a termination. If she chooses the baby EVERYTHING changes.

Discowife · 26/10/2010 19:26

Also Wetaugust have you seen the previous poster who said being raped was worse than being pushed in to an abortion? Surely you can see the comparison of taking away control over your body?

If the girl is still very early days, I hope she can make the best choice for her -whatever that is.

If (and I really supect this because of her not having a clue when her period last was) she is too far gone to terminate I hope she is allowed to keep it.

MOst of all I really hope Tess's DH grows up a bit.. how can the 14 year old be ridiculed for behaving like a 14 year old when dad does as well.

Tortington · 26/10/2010 19:27

im of the opinion that if she is so unhappy as to want to get pregnant becuase she thins she has shit all else in life, then if you encourage her to have an abotion , she'll be pregnant next year anyway.

Discowife · 26/10/2010 19:29

Let us not all forget that teenagers keep very odd hours anyway. She might be able to keep up with a baby better than someone of more "advanced" years.. (no I'm not suggesting that it's great for people to get pregnant at 14)

Quattrocento · 26/10/2010 19:29

If my DD came home and announced that she was pregnant, there wouldn't be much shouting. There wouldn't be any ahouting in fact. There would be total and utter despair.

WetAugust · 26/10/2010 19:30

This child was obivously psychologically damaged by events that occurred long before she became pregnant.

I don't see what she needs to compound the trauma by having a baby.

She's going to look at this child every day of her life and it'll be a remimder of yet another person (the child's father) who has rejected her.

Have it / not have it - either way is damaging.

You may well think my views are harsh. I think some of yours are mamby pamby pathetic - 'her rights etc' . What about the rights of the rst of the fammily.

She's an immature, naive child and should be treated as such. That's the compassionate thing to do. Not bow to her whim to keep a child of dubious origin so she feels 'loved'.

That's just ridiculous.

I'd be trying every option - puppy , money etc to bring her round. Small price to pay compared to destroying her life and those she insists on foisting this kid on.

Discowife · 26/10/2010 19:31

most likely custardo

Faaamily · 26/10/2010 19:31

You'd bribe a 14 yr old to have an abortion with puppies and money. Are you deranged?

Sweet Jesus.

Discowife · 26/10/2010 19:32

money? wetaugust.

Disgusting.

ScaryFucker · 26/10/2010 19:33

WA, I am really glad you are not my mum

Discowife · 26/10/2010 19:34

I'm going to leave this thread for a while, I hope Tess and Dsd get on well at the scan tomorrow, hopefully she is still early enough to explore whatever options she has.

piscesmoon · 26/10/2010 19:35

I agree spidookly-if DSD is about to do something that she should be waiting until adulthood to do she has to be told that her childhood is at an end and she has to be an adult early.

terryble · 26/10/2010 19:38

It took two people to not using contraception...

Who was this male and why was he so foolish? We think we have some insight into the DSD's motivation, but what was his excuse?

ZombiePlan · 26/10/2010 19:38

Spodookly - exactly. The real problem here is that the DH appears to think this is an entirely reasonable option and a convenient solution for everyone (apart from Tess, who inexplicably appears to get no say as far as he is concerned).

I am "defeatist" about the childcare defaulting to Tess because it does not appear that any other arangement is being actively pursued. Childcare will not magically materialise of its own accord. And if something is put in place, what about when childcare arrangements break down - the nanny is sick, or the DC is sick and the nursery won't take it? If her DH buggers off to work and her DSD heads off to school or to her part time job that she plans to get, is Tess just going to leave the baby in its cot till someone else comes back? Of course not! So Tess, who sounds to be by far the most responsible person in the family, will pick up the slack in order to ensure the baby is properly cared for (unless she calls social services, which is a pretty nuclear option). And round it goes.

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