To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

real terms for kids include telling them that they don't get presents at xmas - their kids get the presents.

i always told my kids that.they are selfish enough to want xmas presents - thakn god

Which is more deranged?

a. 14 year old has a child.

b. 14 year old has a termination.

The mother is underage. The grandparents do not want the child.

I am sincerely amazed that people believe an immature 14 year old without parental support is going to make a fit mother.

i dont want grandkids, but if one of my teenagers had a child then despite me being vehemntally against the idea - i would give my support

what i am saying is, one doesn't necessarily pre-suppose the other.

The point is - blackmail, emotional or otherwise, is NOT an appropriate or sound method to employ when getting a very young, pregnant girl to consider her options.

Model the behaviour you want. If you want her to behave like a responsible grown up, act like one.

But sure NOW is the time to make these other arrangements?

The OP is a grown woman, and quite a formidable one from the sounds of things.

The answer to her DH's bullshit assumption that she will be doing free childcare because she's at home anyway is "no I fucking well won't."

I'm 35 and my mother is my backup emergency childcare for when childcare breaks down, so I'm not sure that really falls outside "doting Granny" territory.

But just say Tess thinks it does, because she can't deal with clients on the basis that she might sometimes be unavailable, well then DSD will have to miss time from school to look after her child, the way lots of mothers miss work when their children are sick.

I agree with WetAug and scaley to a point that really it is in DSD's best interests not to have this baby and that counselling should be sought for her and her parents should try to convince her that an abortion in this situation would be bests for everyone, most of all her.

However, ultimately it is her choice to continue the pregnancy if she doesn't want an abortion. Kicking her out of the home is an option, so is breaking up the marriage. But there are better outcomes than that for everyone in the family IMO (presuming the DH stops being a dick).

"childhood is at an end and she has to be an adult early."

That could be an angle that could be used positively.

If it is pointed out that as she has chosen to become an adult and have a child, she will now be treated as an adult and have a share in the house hold jobs - and I don't mean a flick of the duster - I mean a full on 1/3rd of the running of the home.

Especially since they wouldn't let a 14 yr old babysit their own baby scaleymcnamechange!

I meant it positively when I wrote that IAPJJLPJ. She has to understand that she is the adult to the baby and Tess won't get up in the night, take a day off work to help , have toys all over the house etc. She would do what the normal grandmother would do if her grandchild had an adult mother.

Blackmail is an emotive word which I wouldn't use in the op's presence at the moment.

I think bribery is acceptable in some situations to do with children (and indeed adults). People respond well to carrots rather than sticks. If this weren't the case, why would be paying women not to smoke whilst pregnant.

This is a rather extraordinary and desperate situation. I think the OP still needs to do as much as she can to uphold her position.

I think that if you are to get behind her 100% she needs to be truthful with you about the father. If it was a bad experience then she needs to deal with that before the baby arrives.

I don't think bribery is appropriate or right, I'm sorry.

Well, we disagree then. Its not a problem.

OP - good luck to you.

ROFL! at the thought that offering this girl money or a puppy will get her to chose to have an abortion. She sees this as a baby - and for those of you who are saying that it's not a baby till 24 weeks - would you be feeling like that if you had a MC at 9/10/11/12 weeks? Or lost a baby at 20 weeks? Because I highly bloody doubt it!

When I was pregnant at 15, my family offered me £20K to have an abortion. I told them to get fucked. They then offered me £10K to put the baby up for adoption. I didn't talk to them, and even now, 13 yrs later, I don't have any contact with them! I kept my DD with me, by the time I was 12 weeks, DD was a real person as far as I was concerned.

You only have to take a look at the MC threads on here to see that, and how profoundly that positive pregnancy test affects your emotions. Why is that any different because the OP's dsd is only 14yo?

Sadly, knowing the truth of how bloody hard it is to cope with a child when you are still a child yourself - and even to cope with a teenager when you are only 28/29 (as I am now), I still don't think that the OP has a rats chance in hell of persuading this girl to have a termination.

I do however, hope the OP's DH has stopped being such a childish twunt decided to really listen to the OP's point of view, and how strongly the OP feels about not doing the brunt of the childcare, and how badly it could affect his marriage.

We do.

Bribery is not a technique I would use on a young person of this age.

Talking through the consequences of any choice she makes is the only sensible way forward. I have seen this time and time again from my professional experience. Bribes and threats and scaremongering don't work long term. Keeping the lines of communication open is the name of the game, and if you bribe, threaten or blackmail, ultimately, you lose the respect and trust of the young person you are dealing with. IMO, of course.

OP if your DSD is going to be bringing up yer baby in your house then I think you deserve all the facts about how this happened and who the baby's father is.

Best of luck.

And I totally agree with whoever originally said that the OP'd DSD has to stop being a child and has to become an adult early. It's horrid, but it is the reality of the OP's dsd choosing to be a parent. The minute you are a parent, you can no longer be a child, no matter if you are 14, 24, 34 or 44.

I see nothing wrong with pointing out that dsd will not be getting new mobiles/ computer games/ fashionable clothes, as that money will be needed for her dc. DSD needs to understand that if she has this baby, then this baby's needs come before hers.

Jesus loudlass that's awful. I absutelyagree with what you said re- miscarriages. I'm struggling to read this thread at the moment, it has changed my opinion of a lot of users. Users that berate cruelty to animals but advocate the manipulation of a pregnant vulnerable teenager, it's appalling.

Its best to try and keep an open mind about your fellow forum members, HedgeBlunder.

You will find that your opinions can differ hugely on certain things - but that you agree completely on others at some point in the future.

Don't write people off just because you disagree with them.

For eg. expat and I have argued ferociously in the past but we share the same pov on this thread.

I think pushing for details of the father/conception at this point is not the right course of action.

Whatever is going on with her and in her head, pushing her to talk about this is more likely to upset her and make her clam up.

In the sort term, it doesn't actually matter all that much, does it?

There's enough to be sorting out now, in terms of what is going to happen with this pregnancy, and any resulting baby (should it be continued).

Who the Dad is, whether this was a consensual encounter, whether she knows who it is, these are things that can be gradually talked about when the crying has stopped and when everyone is in a happier place with this.

No one can compel the girl to reveal who the father is, though.

So again, since it was the OP starting this thread to ask if she were BU, no, she isn't, but that's neither here nor there and now it would probably not be a bad idea for her to get some counselling on her own to determine what she needs to do.

This girl is very immature, because a really mature 14-year-old would have been more likely to use contraception, so I do agree with custy's suggestions.

Loudlass I just wanted to say that your contributions to this thread have been outstanding IMO.

As for baby feeling real at x week - I have been pregnant 3 times.

1st time I had a termination I have never regretted, did not feel like a "baby", just a terrible thing that needed to stop.

2nd 2 times (DDs 1&2) they only felt like a baby after they were born. Whilst I was pregnant I just felt like I was the host of an alien.

I think how women respond to pregnancy varies enormously, and it's worth remembering that. I find it really hard to imagine how you could have felt that connection to your baby at such an early stage, but I believe you did.

I agree with hedge. Appparently quite a lot of you seem to be pro-choice unless we're talking 14 year olds when it's no choice at all, do as you're told and no respect for anyone. It's pretty chilling.

Bit shady ethically but OP could probably have a sneaky peek through dsd's texts. Just so they know what they are dealing with regarding the father. She is bound to have been texting him to do with their relationship even if he doesn't yet know about the baby. I wouldn't normally approve of that sort of thing, but if there is osmethign they need to know... it might be worht it. But make sure the daughter doesn't know!

Possibly it was partly down to somewhat similar reasons to the OP's dsd - I had had a very bad childhood, and as soon as I got that positive test, it felt like, for the first time in my life, I had someone (thing?) that would love me, and need me unconditionally. I didn't however see how immature this view was back then! While I have managed to do (fairly) OK in bringing up my DD, without family support, I'm not saying that every teenager can. Although I was fairly 'mature' for my age, had been babysitting since the age of 12, and was on the pill (which failed due to AB's...didn't know that at 15yo!).

All I can say is that I think that there is no reason WHY the OP should have her life turned upside down, when there are other, more practical solutions, like the DSD going into a mother and baby unit. If I hadn't gone into a mother and baby unit, I'm unsure at how well I would have done, even if I'd been at home supposedly doing all the childcare. If I had been at home, I wouldn't have had the hel and advice from impartial people (that I would actually listen to ) about pregnancy, childcare, first aid, and education help for example. It really was the making of me!

Oh Tess, I really hope your DH starts listening to you. Sounds like the baby will be coming no matter what, but I will be crossing my fingers that at the very least DSD keeps up her end of the bargain with nights and weekends, and that you can together (with DH preferably) sort out childcare for the week.