To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

What choice does she have but to walk away, though, scaley?

Honestly, I don't see this DH bending over backwards to do nights and weekends. He'll expect her to do it because she works part-time and from home.

That's why, seriously, if she can get to a counsellor all the better.

As she is the one being expected to do the care and she does not want to, she needs some professional help to help her sort things out, an objective professional.

The boys will be affected because she will, because she's being asked to help bring up a child, according to her DH, to basically bring it up, that she doesn't want.

Wetaugust - afaik you have to have a scan before an termination - to establish fetal age and position.

Scaley - probably very fortunate that you are not this girl's mother then. The kid was dumped by her mother, wants something to love and has, as my dd describes it, got herself in a total pickle - and your response is anger? I just don't get that. I can understand why Tess is angry with her dh - he is not covering himself in glory atm! I just couldn't be angry with the girl.

WetAugust, but presumbly it is key to finding out exactly HOW pg she is?

Wetaugust - afaik you have to have a scan before an termination - to establish fetal age and position.

That's ridiculous. It must sway quite a few into changing their decision once they've seen this collection of cells.

Seems like it's all stakcked against you Tess.

you dont need a scan before a termination. ime

Nothereis - i'd be bloody angry too!!! I think Tess has every right to be angry at her SD - she had sex and didn't use a condom and knew there was a chance she could get pregnant. And now that she is, Tess is going to be the one holding the baby. If someone dumped something as huge as that in your life, wouldn't you be angry???

I know it is a phase it is a shame I live far away as I do know both the downsides of termination and teen pg( was 17 so older but still have many downsides) having done both. (I have no objection against either option and I am happy to give unbiased answers to questions and not shove my experience down her throat) I took a friend for a termination.

Only objection to a child being forced and coerced either way abortion or to have a child. I would have no problems giving grisly details of being a teen mum so she can make the right choice for her but equally if asked about abortion I would not lie ( I would not scare monger only say I found coping hard not actual specifics).

OK - truly bizarrre suggestion - If she wants something to love then offer her a puppy if she has a termination.

DH is here, will be back after.

Right, so it looks like the DSD has made her choice - the baby is staying. Now Tess is in a position to make a choice of her own. Does she stay and help (which she doesn't want to do), does she stay and not help beyond occasional granny duties (whether that would morph into full time care is a concern) or dies she leave? IMVHO the DH is going to make or break this situation. He cannot expect to palm the baby off onto Tess just because that's what he wants to happen (however much the DSD thinks she will contribute re care, there are bound to be times when she just can't do it e.g. GCSEs etc). But if he isn't willing to consider alternatives then he is effectively giving Tess an ultimatum - stay as the baby's carer, or not at all. Which, as Expat said, will impact Tess and her boys...

Wet, this kid won't terminate. So Tess has a decision to make, because her DH is showing himself a twonk.

WetAugust - they turn the screen around so that only the sonographer sees it. I have a feeling that in the States there are moves to force women to see the screens before they're allowed to have a termination. So they can see what they're about to have killed or somesuch crap.

Which, having seen my last pregnancy at 9wks would have made bugger all difference as there is precious little to see.

Tess I have to credit you with the most remarkable restraint and hugest heart.

If I were in your position my husband would be sleeping in the shed and I'd be wearing his bollocks for earrings.

I'm still amazed at his breathtakingly arrogant expectations, lack of respect for you and the sheer fucking cheek of coming home pissed when you were dealing with his daughter whose baby he expects you to care for.

amen to that, valhalla

I find it quite ridiculous that a 14 year old can hold this entire household to ransom.

Everyone has some button that can be pushed. She may well not want to termnate but I am sure that she could be talked around to it.

I think it's time to stop tip toeing around the subject with her and tell her that if she wants it she can live elsewhere.

I won't give a shit about a 14 year old having a few weepy sentimental momments later in life about some rose-tinted loss of motherhood - compared to the discord and strive she is causing this family.

WET AUGUSt

Presumably you need a scan to see if it IS a bunch of cells with no legal rights or a baby (post 24 weeks)

Also it may be needed to see if a chemical or surgical termination is needed.

I have read some of this tread but not all and just wondered - and this is only a suggestion - I'm not even sure I would do it myself BUT as she is only 14 could you get the Police involved to try to establish who the father is? This brings another slant into the equation I know but it could be worth a try??

Be brave Tess. Thinking of you.

Tess my geography's bad but not that bad was just a cross post honest

wetaugust gross incompetence seems a pretty uncharitable way to speak about a 14 year girl so desperate for love she allowed herself to get pregnant :(

It's not a guarantee anyhow -someone to love you the best. I do pratically everything for my dd and I am the one who thinks about school holidays, what she wants for Xmas, remembering parents evening, takes her to the Dr, makes sure she eats a balanced diet, gets up in the night when she has a bad dream etc etc . She is my world!

When we are talking about a nice cuddle on the sofa, she wants Daddy! She idolises her dad because he is the fun one, who strolls in late from work and makes a big fuss of her. Mummy is always a bit knackered.

I'd definitly involve the Police. Until the facts of how this child was impregnated are known then it's reasonable to consider whether stautory rape has taken place.

I find it quite incredible that there's a law on the statute book that evryone just turns a blind eye too. I'm pretty sure the incidence of teengae pregnancy would drop if ebery case was thoroughly investigated and treated as a child protection issue.

Instead the prevailing view seems to be 'oh well - how sad - never mind'.

wetaugust gross incompetence seems a pretty uncharitable way to speak about a 14 year girl so desperate for love she allowed herself to get pregnant

You're right. If that's was she set out to do she was actually pretty competent at achieving it.

I/m with Wet August - if the girl wants at 14 to keep the baby she needs to leave the family home.

Unless the OP wants the role of full time carer/surrogate Mother. Which I think would be grossly unfair on her two sons.

'What about my boys? Do they have to default to having a mother who is always worried about her grandchild and not 100% focussed on them? Do I break up their home life and take them away from their father and half-sister and niece/nephew because I feel put upon and expected to do the majority of the care?'

There's a lot of 'all or nothing' thinking here, and panic, and mainly because you're probably not feeling very supported by your DH at the moment, Tess. You and he will hopefully be on the same page soon -- especially if he understands that you could really contemplate taking the boys and leaving over this. If this is going to work (assuming the baby will be born and live with you), you and DH need to be a team in every sense.