To want DSD to have an abortion?

[TessoftheDamned]

Heavy going stuff but really doubting myself on this.

DSD is 14 and we thought was a straight-laced girl, very into her studies, hardly ever goes out, etc. Anyway, has fallen pregnant and just had the nerve to tell us (lives with us full-time, her mother is not in the picture). The guy is 'long gone' as she says, refuses to tell us his name or where she met him. To be honest I'm a bit worried there was some pressure and perhaps even date rape thing going on, but I haven't pushed it as she's very vulnerable at the moment (as one might expect).

She is adamant she is keeping her baby. Although I'm sure it will end up looking to us as parents and her as a sister, we don't want another baby and don't want to look after hers. She's not an adult but it is her body, I'm so torn. I feel like she's doing herself and everyone else a great disservice bringing this heartache, but of course a baby is normally a source of joy...

DH is flabbergasted and shocked, he's still trying to find out who the boy is (she told us 3 days ago). She clams up when we suggest anything other than keeping the baby and refuses to speak to us.

AIBU?

Zoop You are right. He should be home in the next 45 minutes and then I will probably be gone from the thread for a good few hours.

I'm not sure how it will all play out but I will come back and update at some point.

I can lend you my refluxy loud prem ds if it helps... we're getting closer at least

'There is someone on mumsnet whose daughter is 16 and pregnant, and is dealing with the fallput. I wish I could remember her name, she only posts on here sporadically .'

The daughter is 17, IIRC and it's the same person. Her name is rose something. I think it's rose77.

Tess, just in case you missed it and it helps:

The Kent Teenage Pregnancy Partnership - 01304 222284

www.foryoungpeople.co.uk

Well done for helping your DSD - no matter what she decides, you are helping her by talking to her and going with her to these early appointments.

Brian Not sure which bits of Kent border Worcestershire but the throwing up sounds like a life skill that needs to be learnt!

Hi Lou Thank you so much I did see that further up the thread and sorry I hadn't replied.

I currently have a very difficult 14month old and I am a teen mum but I live really far

No problem I just wanted to make sure you had local sources of support as early as possible.

It's so difficult isn't it? Tess I think you're dealing things so well, I just wish your DH would step up and act like an adult too.

I can understand your DSDs reasons for getting herself pregnant-I am only child between my parents, they split and now I have 2 siblings one side and three the other. Even though I wasn't abandoned by anyone, I was so bewildered and unsettled as a young child/teen as I wasn't sure where I fitted in etc etc. I didn't feel loved by anyone dramatic as it sounds. It's easy to see having a baby as a solution to all that turmoil. It's very misguided, but I see where she's coming from poor thing. And that's not to say you haven't been a fantastic stepmum, it's just family upheavals can go deeper than you might think.

I hope that your two DS will be okay in all this. I'm sure you'll still have as much time and attention for them as you'd like, because DSD should be doing most/all of the work-and again it's important to state from the start (as you have been doing) that you're not going to be minding this baby for her all the time.

Just wanted to say I think you're coping remarkably and please have a from me.

Yes that's it expat, rose something. And yes she might be 17, which is a whole world away from 14. But I remember the poster was so upset, not just for her daughter but for herself, she was looking forward to child free years now that her children had grown up, was so not ready to have another baby in the household.

As you said it is an absolutely heartbreaking thing to have to deal with. Tess I hope your DH pulls his finger out. I am not surprised at all that you are feeling at the end of youyr tether. And of course it is totally understandable that your are worried how this is gpoing to affect your sons.

scaredandalone- it is a phase, your baby will not be like this for ever, but it might seem like that sometimes. Hang in there.

If she were closer she'd be welcome to my nearly 2-year-old son.

He can be very trying.

Yes, that's the one, GerOrf. The girl is 17 and in college and doing an apprenticeship for hairdressing as well, but the boyfriend/father's got some serious issues .

Sorry Tess missed your reply...was eating me tea!

I so hope the chat goes OK and DH has his responsible head on. x

As soon as she sees the scan the argument will be over and termination will no longer be an option.

It's a shame you cannot get her to agree to a termination and forgo the scan.

I wouldn't blame you in the slightest for taking your boys and walking away from the whole thing.

You're not getting the support you deserve from your DH, who seems to have his head well-buried in the sand.

It's you and your boys who will suffer for her gross incompetence - for a very long time.

You know the down side of your DSD babysitting somone elses child will be that she turns around and anounces her baby wont be like that!

Because her own baby will be perfect, and queit and fragrant....

She's only going to learn once the baby arrives, I think get together all the info of what is available for her out there, and get ready to stick to your guns, you are not going to take over the lionshare of childcare, her decision, her baby, her responsibility.

I really hope you can get your DH on side.

This is going to sound hideously flippant, although I really don't mean it to be, but I honestly think my 10yo ds would be thrilled if someone moved into ours with a baby.

It might not be all doom and gloom wrt to your boys basically, Tess :)

Tess, not posted before as I think you're getting great advice. Just a thought - do you know anyone with a small puppy (who is in the process of being housetrained!) who she could look after for a night or two?

Just as demanding (in fact possibly less demanding but just as disruptive of sleep) and someone is more likely to let her look after a puppy than a baby for a serious period of time.

Plus you can say that she's doing it because she really wants a puppy i.e. don't have to reveal to anyone that she's pregnant and puppy is really a stand-in baby.

Tess, only read first & last few posts but (was) a teen mum, now 24 with 3 (4.7, 2 & 3m) and if I can help somewhat I am more than willing (Berks/Surrey but go to Kent abit)

Goodness me Tess. You are being remarkably restrained. I would not be able to contain my anger, which might not particularly help the situation, but which at least would let your dsd and dh understand where you stood. As someone else said earlier on the thread, its time to get everyone's cards out on the table.

Why should you have to take on this mess. Why should you?

I am so livid on your behalf that this is all going on around you and there's seemingly nothing you can do about it.

If the scan reveals that the pregnancy is not too far along then can you keep quietly reiterating the advantages to not having a baby at 14?

Scaley I hear you. And that's why DSD has someone over and they are in their room with music turned up loud, I'm fairly sure they're doing that X-Factor thing trying to get on TV

Because I'm sure DH and I are going to have a fairly erm, loud, conversation. I was restrained with her because I think I had to be at the time, but I won't be with him. I am fucking livid with him, too and will be letting him know it in a hurry.