to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

What minipie said.

Asda do fake Uggs for £10? If that helps?

I don't just think it comes down to wanting computer games more than clothes. Most partners like their partner to look nice, have new clothes, dress up, look the best they can. I'm sure he knows exactly what other pretty 21 year olds are wearing, and that you are not wearing it. He's happy to keep you in scruffy and inappropriate clothes, knowing you feel insecure and bad about yourself. I find that very disturbing and you are right (and well done to you) to challenge it. All the other points about having your own money, and thinking deeply about what this all means for your marriage, are excellent.

A financial advisor once told me that it is not a good idea for one person in a marriage to hold all the purse strings, as that person could clear out the whole account and do a runner, or blow the lot gambling, leaving the other in real financial hardship due to debts and arrears.

You cannot access his sole account, you may never have seen proof of what his net pay is per month, and he is getting the child benefit paid in too.

Very very risky.

Mandy, I would also recommend you to MSE.com [sorry, don't know how to do links]. It has lots of useful advice re. budgeting,special deals,benefits etc.It may help you to be able to control whatever money you do have access to.There is a board concerning money within family and relationships, but the whole forum has lots of useful advice.

Hi Mandy

Sorry this is all so overwhelming for you but I have to say something as well. Have you ever heard the phrase "barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen"? It is the archetype of the situation that women end up in when they have no control over their own lives, and their husbands want to keep them powerless. You may not be pregnant, but it seems like your husband wants you to demonstrate your poverty and subservience to him. No kind person would want someone literally down on their hands and knees scrubbing, when a mop is cheap and essential. No kind person would want their beloved partner to be cold or wet or upset if they could easily remedy it.

Read Rhian's post about lending your friend money if you had it and she needed it - it's so true. You sound like a kind-hearted person and I am sure that you would never let your husband, friend, or relative get into your situation if you could help it at all. He is not being kind to you, in fact he is grinding your face in the dirt (possibly because of the things Tortoise mentioned) and making sure you "know your place" :(

Please talk to someone - you must have a friend or a sister or cousin who would understand?

AND it is not good enough for him to say he'd be sad if you left. Why isn't he sad that you are penniless with cold wet feet? Because he's only sad about things that affect him (i.e. no nice wife at home to look after him) - he is not bothering to sympathise with you.

Mand

I don't have a lot to offer but wanted to say that you should not feel bad about accepting help from these lovely women right now. You sound fab and what goes around comes around (sometimes in a warped way!!!). I am certain that you will be among the first to offer help to someone else another time.

You are young, your husband is young. You know that you ave some growing up to do - he needs to grow up a whole stack more! Try and get some counselling, perhaps a couple of sessions for you and then some couples. See if you can achieve a more intimate and secure relationship with each other.

Don't say you can't afford it! You must not let things continue as they are (for your daughter's sake as well as yours). I suspect you will want, again for your daughter's sake, to know yo really really tried. Relate will reduce charges in circumstances like these and you can also get help via a GP. At the very least telling your husband you need to spend one computer game per week to see if you can sort things out will make him think!

Take care (I almost wrote honey there ) and accept help now and start on a path where you can help others shortly.

Sorry, that should say joint account. But what would you do if he buggered off taking his money and the CB, leaving you with all the bills? Or there were rent arrears again?

I showed my DH this thread last night and he was horrified. He's astonished that your DH hasn't noticed that you're wearing sandals in October and facilitated you buying some boots.

If my DH had discovered this fact on a weekday he would have sent me to the Trafford Centre that very evening whilst he stayed in with DS. At the weekend, he would have driven me there himself.

He'll think about it? Fucking hell.

I'm another one wondering exactly what he is "thinking" about.

Whether October in Manchester is actually nice and warm and dry?

Whether Mandy should be selling off her own organs in order to afford shoes?

Whether Mandy actually deserves shoes at all given that she is too lazy to scrub the floor, and in fact shouldn't have shoes at all, as she might be tempted to go out and get the vote?

perfect, I can send you some things! I will PM you, and you would be doing me a favour by taking the boots and whatever else comes with.

Like others have said you would be doing me a huge favour by accepting. Actually I will not take any other answer except yes!

OP your DH is completely out of order for behaving like this. As one poster mentioned that is financial abuse, I have been through it and reading your post made me want to cry. You are going to have to inflate all the bills so that you are left with more money each month to buy yourself some things. Honestly, sandals in this weather - how can he say he loves you if he is not concerned about your health and well being. Yadnbu

"I have told him that I'm not happy about the situation and I laid out my possessions in front of him. I told him how its stopping me from seeing my friends because I feel so scruffy and insecure, and he said that he'll think about it."

Hun this is unacceptable. He'll "think about it" when you clearly have nothing suitable to wear on your feet and only leggings to wear at this time of year? I have been following this thread and haven't commented so far as others have said what I have wanted to - like them I put his actions largely down to his immaturity, but I am appalled that he has reacted like that to you trying to show him exactly what the situation is. I know you say your mum has her problems etc, I know what that is like, but she is your mum, could you not go and stay with her for a bit with your DD? I know you don't want to appear vulnerable or unable to cope, or to show up your husband as being useless (he is by the way, whether or not he is earning - his responsibility is to provide for his wife and daughter), and I understand that - I was in the same situation when I was 21 - but eventually I had to get some help and it was the best thing I could have done. Is there no friend you could talk to? It does not make you weak or whiny to tell people that this is happening to you. People care about you - you ARE worth more than your husband is leading you to believe. Please, please get some help from somewhere. Your family and friends will want to help you. Does his family know that this is going on? I would hope that even his MIL would be shocked at this and hopefully tell her darling son that his actions are not those of a responsible, caring husband, but those of a selfish, spoilt teenage boy, and that he needs to sort it out and man up.

"But he is always devastated at the prospect of losing me, so I just don't know."

It really sounds to me as though he is trying to keep you scruffy because he knows that you could do a lot better than him, and he wants to control you in this way to make you think you need him and can't possibly leave him. As I said, I have been there and it is hard, but you need to make it clear to him that you will leave if he does not rectify the situation. The money he is taking and spending on himself and his fucking GAMES could so easily be spent on putting some appropriate and decent clothes on your back and not only this but in my opinion he should be using some of your (and it is YOUR, despite that he may be earning it; you are entitled to it as the person who looks after his house and child) disposable income to treat you (a trip to the cinema or a meal cooked by him with some nice wine at home would do) and make you feel good about yourself. He really needs to realise how lucky he is. Knowing what I do now, if I were in your situation I would walk, but obviously you need to think of your daughter, and that is admirable.

Although if you don't feel any passion for him, I'm not sure how long the relationship will be able to go on...

Mandy

Him saying that "he'll think about it" is really not on.

If my DH said that to me, my response would be, "No you will not think about it, you will give me the fucking money I need now you inconsiderate prick"

I am guessing that you would not say this to your DH .

I'm wondering if this is because you are frightened of the response? I know how hard it is, but you must stand up for yourself.

He might think you are a whining hag, but so what? I wouldn't care much for the opinion of someone who didn't think warm shoes in October was important.

You know that you are not whining - just asking for what you deserve.

It's not often that there is a unanimous response on AIBU. Someone normally comes along to play devil's advocate or defend the other side.

I hope you understand that the reason this has caused such a stir is because your DH is being so so unreasonable, and I also hope that the support from all of us has given you the strength to do something about it.

You don't have to leave him. But you do have to become a bit of a hard ass for a while to get him to see that he is in the wrong .

i wanted to tell you about my situation.

I'm 23 so the same age as you and dh is 29. I'm pregnant and for the last 6-9 months have had a limited wardrobe due to being pregnant (1 pair of jeans, 1 skirt, 1 bra that fits properly, 4 t-shirts, 1 jumper and 1 pair of shoes that actually fit my swollen feet - you get the picture) were not particularly poor but with it being our first all our spare money is going on the baby theres a pushchair, cot, furniture etc to buy. I havent mentioned my wardrobe to dh and have put on alot of weight so know my pre preg wardorbe wont fit for along time. I havent mentioned any of this to dh.
im a self employed sahm (its just pocket money really, but cant work due to being pg) and dh deals with all our finances, he gives me money, i spend it on the food shopping and the baby and a new bra every now and then, he doesnt have 'extra' money to spare and when he does its £10 a week if that.
Last week dh handed me a cheque and told me that under no circumstances am i allowed to spend any of that money on the baby, its to buy me clothes after i've had my dd and he will be very angry if i even consider spending any of it on dd.
It turns out he has been saving money and doing extra work on the side (i thought he'd been working alot recently, i just thought he was panicking about being a dad!) since i got pregnant so we could afford new clothes for me to make me feel better after the birth.
As the previous poster said i'm not posting this to say 'look how lucky i am, how wonderfull my dh is and how crappy yours is' i'm trying to point out a loving relationship where dh cares and wants me to be happy no matter what the sacrifices, and i'm sure there have been alot on his side.
Dont put up with 'i'll think about it' that is not on. If the money is there you need clothes and shoes. It IS abuse, it IS controlling behaviour. This is not right, please dont let him get away with it and let it escalate into a more serious situation

I'm hoping the op comes back soon, so worrying to think of a young woman being put in this situation and how upset she is probably feeling after having confirmation that what she is going through is abuse :(

He'll 'think about it'? He is a utter shithead and he will not change. Actually he will probably change - he will get worse.

Look at it this way - how many offers of shoes and clothes have you had from complete strangers on MN? When complete strangers are more caring towards you than your DH is, something is very very wrong.

Please just get out now - can you stay with your mum? You are worth so much more than this.

And maybe tell your MIL - who sounds like an utter cow - what a shit her precious son is.

You know what, you are very beautiful, and very young, other men will notice, and that Rooney-lookalike you married knows it, and resents it. How better to keep you all to himself (because you are his possession to him, not really a person) than to keep you poor and shabby and scrubbing the floor on your hands and knees like bloody Cinderella.

Your profile says you're in Manchester. Is this right? I'm visiting my sister in Manchester on Monday and I have things for you. Two pairs skinny jeans from topshop one light one dark in size 12. I am too fat for them, barely worn. I also have a few jumpers and knitted dresses you would look fab in.

Message me.

I think he's enjoying the fact you are so worn down and have no self esteem as it is making you stay with him. It's his way of keeping you tied to him and it's really not on.

Accept the clothes MNers are offering you, I'd offer some myself but they'd be way too big for you!

This isn't about clothes, it's not even about money, it's about the fact you are worth much much more than what you have now.

You've had so much great advice on here and I don't want to hammer home the same message that you've been getting over and over. I'd simply like to add that I am around your age and so is my partner, but he'd never dream of treating me this way. The fact that he is young doesn't make any of his behaviour acceptable. It is incredibly cruel and selfish, no matter what your age is.

I saw what another poster mentioned earler, about his mother being disappointed that he had 'married beneath him'. At is happens, I am from a council estate, whilst my partner was privately educated, went to a top university and has the accent to match. He treats me with love and respect. My partner is also very 'into' games, but wouldn't put them before me or my son. He isn't my son's father, but even when we were just friends, he gave me the money to buy my son a new mattress because his dad (my then partner) wouldn't give me any money. I'm telling you this just to help you realise that you don't have to accept this because he's young. Age is not a good enough excuse. This has to change now. Don't waste years of your life hoping that he'll change and waiting for the good times to start.

Also, I buy almost all of my clothes and my son's clothes second hand on ebay. We've saved a fortune and actually have some very nice things. I sell clothes he's outgrown to make money for new ones. I even buy brand new clarks shoes from there once I've had his feet measured in the shop. It's a great way to save money. Perhaps you should look into it :)

He is a control freak, simple as that

ManiDeadi Fri 22-Oct-10 12:13:54

Him saying that "he'll think about it" is really not on.

If my DH said that to me, my response would be, "No you will not think about it, you will give me the fucking money I need now you inconsiderate prick"

Precisely!

Mandy: What is there for you in all of this? Nobody is ever going to thank you for being a martyr to this man you know. He seems quite content to let you live in misery as long as he's not distrubed and his daughter is evidently not his primary concern.

Age is no excuse for this - he CHOSE to have a child so he can suck it up like all the other fathers. The reason that he is so worried about losing you is because he knows that no other woman with an ounce of self-respect would let him treat her like this.

Don't me a mug for him - you only get one shot at life and it's not worth wasting it on the likes of him...

Please come back and post how you are getting on xx

I sent you a message Mandy, please accept!

From Welsh Women's Aid:
Financial abuse can include the following:

· denying you sufficient housekeeping

· having to account for every penny spent

· denying access to cheque book/account/finances

· spending the money allocated to bills/groceries on himself

· spending Child Benefit on himself

· not permitting you to spend available funds on yourself or children

· making you give up your savings

There were other examples too, but I felt these were most pertinent.
Please Mandy, talk to someone in RL.