to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

I dont want to enable the husbands behaviour at all. That is not my intention! But I have things that could help her out that I do not need.

I cant sit by and read about how she is wearing sandals and it is bloody freezing outside. That is awful and if everyone took the attitude of "dont help her incase..." then no wonder the country is in such a shit state!

What size are you? I am happy to give you some shoes, I have a bagful I was going to give to oxfam!

Right, Im gonna start replying to messages now, I hope none of you think I've been rude not replying yet I've just not had the time.

I've just put DD in bed, and DH got in. I felt as though I was going to cry the minute I saw him, but I didn't. I basically said to him that I'm really upset because of the way things are with us, and that I'm not happy, and I'm not completely sure he loves me. My voice was wobbling and I was on the verge of tears, how ridiculous. He sighed and said 'This again? I thought we talked about this last night. Am I that bad eh? Am I that horrible?'

I didn't know what to say so I've just come upstairs. I don't know what to do, I feel like I've just opened a can of worms.

The reason he doesn't leave you is because he's comfortable, he knows you feel so low that you will put up with all the crap he puts you through - he is totally in control. As a short term measure please accept the offers of clothes. Then you can think about getting a job. But tbh I don't think any job or financial arrangement will change who he is and how he treats you. I hope you can make plans to move on from him.

Yes. Yes, he is that bad. He is that horrible. Your welfare is not his priority, and it should be. Is there any way you could stay with your mum for a couple of weeks to give yourself a bit of space to think?

Have changed my mind. He's not young and dumb. He's just mean and selfish. And probably jealous and possessive too. So sad for you. Go talk to your mum, you've said she is supportive.

My mum lives on the next street, so it wouldn't be very helpful! Plus she has no room at all. I'd suggest him going to his Mum's but they will just make a huge drama out of it, and I suspect she will just bombard me with visits and phonecalls until I let him back. I am so confused, I posted yesterday in frustration and anger, and have had to confront a much bigger problem that I didn't even realise was there. It feels really strange.

Well, he is that bad isn't he? He is that horrible. He is trying to patronise you into not confronting him for treating you like shit.

Its easy for him to have you raise his child and keep the house nice and do the shopping and cooking. He doesn't want you to rock the boat because right now he has free childcare and cleaning with sex thrown in. You don't have to accept that, you are not a slave.

Mandy the fact he isn't taking you seriously is worrying. No matter how perfect he thinks he is, if you're that upset he should be taking it seriously.

Sounds like he's saying you should be grateful for what you've got - which is a horrible attitude. Why should you be grateful for a shit situation just because he's not worse?
Yes, he could be beating you up. But you don't have to be bloody grateful that he's not!

Sorry if that sounds extreme, but that's how I read it!

It's not ridiculous to be on the verge of tears, or even in tears. It shows how seriously you take this.

Still following. Just want to give you a big hug. He is such a sod, again I am appalled at his reaction to your plea to sorting things out as per your last message. Please remember how worthy you are, you deserve so much more than this.

xxx

is he trying to keep you scruffy so that you look less attractive to other blokes?

I hope this is all resloved for you and your daughter soon.

Maybe you should start talking to your friends about it too. They will want to suport you through thes tricky times.

You don't have to spend your life with an abuser who keeps you barefoot and cold whilst spending your money on games because his mum says so. Let her make a drama if she wants. You only responsibility is towards you and your dd. You can't take responsibility for the reactions of his family. You can't please all of the people so just please the nice ones who desreve some pleasure.

If you see the person you love upset and on the verge of tears, no matter how silly you think they're being, you hug them and hold them and let them sob. You don't react like he did.

Actually, I want to send shoes as I'd don't like the thought of anyone walking around without any proper footwear on! Too cold!

But yeah, your dh sounds like a dick. Tell him to sort it out.

Plese ring your friends and tell them everything. xx

Well as I said on the thread I started a couple of months ago, he didn't even get up to comfort me when I was crying and opening up about the abuse I suffered as a child, he was playing his game and wasn't at a point that he could pause it

Honestly, writing this I know it's appalling. I think the person who said I'm in love with the idea of who I want him to be, rather than the person he is. But then why don't I want him to leave?

Mandy, Is there anyone you could talk to about your situation that could talk some sense into him?

By that I mean his dad, brother, sister or one of his more sensible mates?

I think he needs to be told by someone other than you that his behaviour is unreasonable.

If I thought it would work, I'd get my DH to write him a letter!

Because you have a child and you're married and splitting up in those circumstances is huge and scary. If you and your daughter can stay with someone else for a while to get some distance, I'd do that. You can think objectively about how you'd feel about going through life without him, and he can see if he's actually prepared to change to keep you.

The computer game bit when you were crying is really terrible.

You need to say to him that how he is being is not on. You are not happy and if he does not grow up he will be looking at alternate weekends with his daughter and no wife cooking his meals.

Oh you poor dear, I'm so sad to think of you having to go cold and feeling unloved like this. You sound absolutely lovely and very caring and he's a complete idiot not to cherish that.

I agree with ManiDeadi - is there another man, who he respects, who could tell him straightforwardly that this is not the way a decent man treats his wife and child? He just seems to think it's reasonable and could do with the shock of realising that actually, it's not at all.

You don't want to leave because you're scared. Which you have every right to be - taking that step is a huge and daunting prospect, especially if you are in the position of having low self esteem (which he is obviously not helping with!)

I have been in a similar situation (thankfully not married or with kids) where a partner made me feel stupid every time I tried to raise an issue with him. I felt like everything wrong with the relationship was my fault and if only I could be better maybe he would stop his behaviour (belittling me, shutting me out emotionally, not contacting me for periods of time etc) I found it difficult to imagine my life without him, but in the end something happened that made me put an end to it. I am sooo much happier now and in a relationship with a man who treats me like an EQUAL. It was scary and painful at first but so worth it.

You are worth better than this. Your Daughter is worth better than this. Please think really carefully about whether you are staying with him because you truley love him and he truley loves you, or if it's because it's easier or comfortable or you're scared.

Reading this thread has made me :( for your situation... hugs I hope you find the courage and strength you have inside you to do what is right for you, whatever that is. xx

You don't want him to leave because splitting up is hard, you are used to him being there, he is the father of your child, you have mutual friends, you love him - a whole host of reasons.

By any chance is he one of those people who has been put up on a pedestal and completely spoilt by his parents? Allowed to get away with murder? It would really explain things.

I do think he is acting like a total arsehole, but people do change, and they do grow up.

But he will never do either of the above if he is allowed to get away with his completely unreasonable behaviour.

Mandy, if you want to give it a go you will need to really stand up to him, and if he says things like "this again", then explain to him that it is a problem that is not going to go away until he starts acting differently.

Call him names if you have to. Shame him. Tell him he's a pathetic excuse for a husband. Tell him that everyone is talking about him because they are appalled at a husband letting his wife walk around in sandals. Look down on him and let him see what it feels like.