to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

Only read part of page one, but what a selfish and immature 'man' you have there.

I bought a mop from Asda last week for £3. They are the good ones and are usually more than double that. Worth a look.

All these things should not be falling on you alone though. I'm for you.

Take the help that is offered Mandy

I have done before, and am eternally greatful to the lady (who knows who she is)who sent me some size 6 leather boots last year, and some LOVELY warm socks. I still have those boots and I still wear those socks.

It makes a massive massive difference. Take the help for now and then work on improving your situation.

I hate to twist the knife, but what are you teaching your daughter about how much she will be worth as a grown woman when her own mother doesn't act like she's worth anything herself?

It won't matter what you tell her - children learn by watching. You're teaching her that women don't deserve shoes.

So get some shoes (that you deserve) and take them from the oft-comfortably-off MN crowd. Nobody offers their favourite shoes - they are offering shoes that they thought would fit but don;t, shoes that were impulse bought in sales but are too high/too low. You're not depriving anyone.

And I know that you are feeling very very shell shocked right now. nobody wants to believe that someone could think so little of you that they would watch you suffer. It's a shock when you realise that someone who is supposed to adore you is happy to watch you bemiserable and impoverished.

Mandy please I beg you take the help offered here, this is when Mumsnet is at its best, people just want to help you, please come back

OP, when I was pg with my Ds now 12.2, his father took me into town one Saturday (we didn't live together, I'd thrown him out before I got pg ). Now I had no money, he didn't buy anything for his Ds and that hasn't changed, but I was in dire need of knickers; I was around 8 months pg and none fitted me. He bought himself a couple of new shirts and other frivolous things in a mens boutique and I longingly looked at knickers in Quality Seconds. He didn't buy them for me, I couldn't afford them. I went without.

It spoke volumes about him and if you were reading 'my' thread instead of yours, what would you be thinking about my Ds's father?

He's long gone thankfully, but if you want your relationship to survive without you being in this situation for the next 5, 10, 30 years...you need to sort it out now. You desrve more and so does your child.

Sorry that I haven't been back on, I've been really busy in RL today.

I didn't get chance to speak to my DH about it again, as I went to bed early and he left early this morning.

I am feeling a bit stunned to be honest, and like somebody said it really tells me a lot about my life that some strangers on here have made me feel more cared about than anybody in RL has for ages. There have been so many valid points made on here, that have really given me food for thought, and given me the strength to believe I am not in the wrong. I always feel like I'm being perfectly reasonable in my head but then when I go to speak to him it all goes to pieces and i just feel like I am being ridiculous and very irritating.

Oh, a lot of people have asked about what the relationship is like in general, well this thread pretty much sums it up, I started it a couple of months ago after feeling a bit down www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1049524-I-just-want-to-feel-loved-Am-I-wasting-my

He does try, but doesn't seem to be able to keep it up. He always says he will, but doesn't, being loving just doesn't seem to come naturally to him. But he isn't actively horrible to me, doesn't call me names or anything.

I don't feel loved, but I don't believe that he doesn't love me. I don't know if that makes any sense. I am desperate for him to be the person I need him to be. But while sometimes I know that I could be happier if I didn't have to feel so let down all the time, I can't bear the thought of him being with anybody else, and I couldn't face making him move out of his home. He is funny and can be quite sweet.

The thing is with the money, I get made to feel like I am the controlling one for asking for money for clothes. And I know that it really does his head in when I say that things are upsetting me, if I keep trying to press the same point he just gets annoyed and then I end up feeling like I'm just really annoying.

I am truly overwhelmed by the generosity of people on here, I have had so many lovely offers and it's felt nice that people are actually thinking of me. I never get put first. Ever.

I will reply to all of the private messages this evening, I just need to give DD her bath and put her in bed.

Hun, just because he's getting annoyed doesn't mean you're being annoying. He's getting annoyed because he has a totally fucked up view of life.

He will never be the person you need him to be, let alone the man you deserve.

If you don't know if your husband loves you then imo he doesn't

let me tell you something about my boyfriend.

He's not my children's father.

After we had been dating for 3 months, he bought me a mobile phone to replace the disasterous one I had. I told him he had to wait for the money (is was a £70 phone) and he looked appalled.

"It's a present, you need it!" he exclaimed.

Now, my boyfriend is lovely, but he isn't a money splurger. but he saw that I had a need, he had the money to meet that need, so he met it.

So many people have offered to meet this need (genuine need, not mobile phone need) that you have.So many people are experiencing misery because they want to help you and don't know how.

And yet the father of your children, the man you live with, the man who is supposed to love you above all - he doesn't feel this pressing need for you not to have frostbite. He doesn't feel the need for you to have clothes without holes in.

he's not showing you he loves you ... because he doesn't love you.

What he says is just words. What he does is all the information you need. And what he does is nothing towards making your life more pleasant.

I feel the need for Xenia over here.

I know, a lot of the time I don't believe he loves me. But I've told him he can leave if he doesn't want me, why would he stay with me if he didn't love me? It's so confusing for him to tell me that he does, but I'd get more compassion from a stranger in the street.

Reading your other (linked) thread is so very sad. This isn't about youth or immaturity, or games, or anything other than the very sad reality that you have married the wrong man for you. There is nothing in these threads that gives any hint of this relationship giving you anything positive at all. You and he can't seem to bear the thought of not being with each other - but at 21 you are too young to be stuck to a man who doesn't make you happy and make you feel like a princess, who doesn't enjoy being with you and your daughter, and who isn't kind to you.

In fact what you seem to be in love with is an imaginary version of him - the man you think he could be.

You've been with him since you were and you say you are escaping a traumatic childhood and maybe you thought he was your escape. He is not. Not on this evidence.

Maybe the shock of losing you might make him change - but you staying and being downtrodden isn't going to make it happen.

This is not about shoes. This is about being worth being happy. You are worth it. And so is your daughter.

Break the cycle. Leave.

Look, love is an action and not just a vague feeling

he does not show you he loves you by respecting your feelings or making sure you have what you need

and he may stay with you for many reasons- the main one seems to be is because you don't seem to be very demanding or self-respecting

He's probably got the "She'll never leave me" syndrome.

I reckon if you did it would be like a rocket up his arse.

If I were in your situation I would leave just to see what the reaction was.

Leave a letter spelling out the millions of reasons why.

My heart goes out to you, it really does. I'll be thinking of you, no matter what decision you make. Please keep us all updated, even though we've never met it's clear we all care.

You are young, beautiful and kind. You put others before yourself. You have empathy for others. Please believe you are worth a good relationship, with your equal. Your husband is currently not your equal, you are too good for him xx

Mandy I think the problem with accepting the many generous offers you have had on this thread is how it will look to your prat of a dh, i.e. "oh yeah I went and dissed you online and now I have loads of new stuff". Is there an MNer locally we could send the stuff to instead? Any of us would happily offer to receive your parcels for you if it would make things easier for you. Don't be ashamed or proud - this isn't intended to be a long term solution but if we can make the next few months more bearable it's so worth doing. You cannot only have sandals in October. If your mum knew she would do her nut! So think of us as stand-ins for your mum.

Longer term you need to revise the budget for you as a family. I'm not really that surprised that a 22 year old guy, who has never actually had to buy stuff for a family, doesn't get what the costs are. He needs to be more involved in the family life and family finances to understand how it works. Has he ever even looked after dd for a day whilst you went out on your own? My suspicion is not, and that's probably the place to start.

Keep talking. Remember he can only go and earn the money because you look after his child.

This may sound awful and I'm sorry, don't take it the wrong way, but as for 'why would he stay with me if he didn't love me?'... perhaps because you put up with him? Very few women would allow him to behave as he does, he sounds like he has a very easy life with you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely not saying he doesn't love you, but Lauriefairycake is completely right, love is more than words. He's making you feel worthless and letting you be cold, that's not how you should behave towards someone you love. I have no doubt you love your DD very much, and you show that everyday by going without to make sure she has everything she needs. That is how you show love.

Telling him he can leave if he doesn't want you only gives him more power.
I'm not saying leave him, or stay, that is entirely up to you and must be your decision, not ours. I'm saying you need to make that choice rather than leave it up to him. You need to take back some control.

You know him better than we do, only you know the truth and can decide what you want. What you want.

I will add my voice to those saying I would gladly send you things if you would let us help.

How have the counselling sessions been going ?

Have you mentioned the way he is controlling the finances ?

On the face of it, it really seems they cannot be going well if at all.

I really think you should try to maintain contact and swap counsellors if you're not getting anywhere.

Be sure to forward, in confidence, links to your posts on MN to them.
You express yourself very clearly here and this is very important resource for providing a base for any counselling.

If we send things to Mandy we are enabling her husband in his bad behaviour. He will tell himself that she got by.

Sorry, Mandy, but my advice would be to get a job. Even if it's only for a month or two, to make a point. I know you may not want to put your daughter into a nursery or creche or whatever.

I don't mean to sound harsh but it's been my experience that some men need a big wake-up call.

I know it may be easier said than done. I hope I don't sound harsh.

I think people are hoping that sending her packages of clothes will shame him into realising she needs help and has had to go elsewhere for it. However, you may be right.

Saying the words are easy, especially if he wants a shag but actions are what counts.

Mandy :(

I want to give you a great big hug.

Abr1de - if people send things to Mandy then at least she'll be warm and she might realise that actually people do care and she's worth more than his bollocks treatment.

He probably wouldn't even notice that she'd got more stuff.

I really do not care if her husband thinks he is off the hook if we help her out with some clothes, I can not think of a young mother walking about in the cold in bloody sandals and leggings.

If Mandy accepts the help offered at least she will be warm.

The reason for my caution is that I once saw a similar situation. The man just shrugged and said the wife had got by OK, hadn't she? And went on as per normal.

But I take the point about the short-term problem. And obviously you need clothes to go to interviews and work.

Hopefully by people helping her she will get the strength to realise she deserves so much better.