to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

Mandy, this sounds awful, I can't believe how badly he is treating you and your (BOTH of your) DD. I also have a wardrobe full of clothes and lots of pairs of shoes that I never wear. If you are a size 8-10 in clothes and a size 5 shoe, I would happily send you some nice stuff that hasn't even been worn that much. I have a pair of dark purple skinny jeans, for instance, that would look great on you but look frankly tragic on me. Please please message me if those sizes might be any good to you. Some of it may be a few years old but it is all good quality and would last you for a while.

But I agree with whoever said that you still need to sort all the issues out. The first and most important issue is that he's not paying for his daughter's livelihood if he's not prepared to stump up for things like a coat for her etc. The second is that he isn't looking after you. I want to cry, thinking that one day it might be MY daughter who's with a tosser who can't even make sure she is adequately clothed. I don't know why you don't want him to leave and I haven't read your other thread, but could it be to do with the abuse you suffered? Perhaps you don't really believe that you deserve looking after properly? Sorry if I am way off the mark.

I really hope you take up some of the offers of help.

And btw, the next time he asks 'am I that bad?' I think you probably ought to say 'yes, you are. I am in need of basic help and support here and you are not giving it to me.'

And if you don't want to give me your address for posting, I would happily post to a friend or a nearby MNer who doesn't mind giving me her address who you could then meet on neutral ground.

Good lord, he sounds horrendous. Can't add anything that hasn't already been said, but you sound lovely and he sounds like an obnoxious twat.

Even DH who usually snorts away at MN threads if I read them out to him was totally [hshock] at your thread [hsad]

Oh, just read properly and see that my things would be of no use to you. But if your daughter might like some Gap clothes and similar, I could look through what's in the loft and dig some of the nicer things out. How old is she?

Another thought has just occurred to me.

Do you think he might be addicted to his games/laptop/iphone?

I know it sounds really sad, but some people do get like that - I know when I was a teenager I was really into a particular computer game , and I would sit for hours playing, sometimes until 3 in the morning!!!

I quite often get a bit like that on MN too !

Would you feel confident enough to perhaps take his xbox/ps3/whatever away and take it round your mums or something?

I know he'd be pissed off but hopefully it will ram home to him how important it is that you and DD get his attention.

Like Colditz, my husband is not my children's father, but he puts the financial needs of the family before his every time. That means that my kids are fed, clothed, school trips and holidays are paid for before he does anything else with his money (other than living costs!). He is a kind loving man and I adore him!! You deserve so much more than this; you must be strong and insist that he either listens to you and that things change, or, I am afraid that you will have to be brave and go it alone....

'why would he stay with me if he doesn't love me?'
Now, let's see...um, immature fat, ugly boy gets to live in a house with a completely stunningly beautiful blonde who washes his floors, cleans his house, washes his clothes, HAS SEX WITH HIM, LOVES HIM and makes no demands at all, even when he steals the child benefit. Why would he NOT want to be with you? Now, why would you be with him?

Mandy, Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,

heed the wonderful advice and accept the help on here,

please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please????

Didn't you post about the stairgates a month or so back? Weren't you the poster who was refusing to buy stair gates for your child as they were coming out of your 'spends' rather than your husband's?

I apologies if this is my memory at fault, but it just seems really familiar and I'm not on here that often.

Work out a plan, Mandy, leave him now, please :(

These are real people, MNetters, and there are hundreds of them.

You may not want to speak to people in RL for fear of seeming disloyal, but no-one here is judging you, and if you let them, there would be a big team of gentle, efficient, understanding fairies who will help you and your DD make a new life.

Your real family are the people who care - that doesn't seem to be your scumbag husband.

Please, count the posters on here who support you and imagine them all standing around you, making you cups of tea, fussing around you with cakes, new clothes and warmth. This is REAL.

Mandy, I posted earlier on about how appalled I was that your DH was financially controlling you like this. I just cannot believe that after plucking up the courage to tell him how you feel and even crying that he just said 'not this again.' WTF, I am so mad for you and upset that he could even answer you back like that as if you are a stranger on the street. Can you not see that he doesn't care or love you one bit otherwise he would not treat you like this. I am especially sad because I was you at the same age as you with a DS and unfortunately for me there was no mumsnet or I would have known that I was being abused.

I am now dealing with all these issues now of being made to feel as if I am the annoying, irritating and unreasonable one. To this date Mandy, 13 years later I am still addressing those issues. Please reassess your situation and think about you and your DD. That environment is not suitable for your or your DD, you will be so much happier and confident on your own. A wise woman once told me that if there are things that your partner or DH does that you would hide from your friends or family because they are that awful, you should reassess your relationship. Tell your friends, that will be first step in dealing with it in RL or call Womens Aid. YOu are a fabulous looking girl and do not deserve to be treated that way

Your DH is a bully, plain and simple

I am willing to go out and buy you some boots, seriously - you cannot be walking around in sandals in this weather. Please PM me and I will do this for you. Thinking of you

shineon, I do seriously think that this is financial abuse - on top of being young and immature of course

Shineon - To some extent I agree that abuse is a strong word because people automatically thinking of hitting, beating etc.
However, I do agree with those saying this is financial abuse. Withholding money from someone and making them go without warm shoes/coat/clothes etc in Autumn/Winter is financially abusive.
Even ignoring the financial abuse, making someone feel worthless is abuse too.

I am 22. My partner is 21. We have been together just over a year and share pretty much all money. We have just discussed keeping some separate for Christmas presents, but other than that everything goes into the joint account. I trust him completely, and I realise not everyone has this kind of situation, but I object to people excusing him on the basis of age. He is a father. At that point, you're supposed to grow up.

ooooozathon your post was lovely :) and I think it's very true. People want to help.

To a certain extent this financial deprivation is physically abusive too. People have a need for warm and appropriate clothing. He is preventing her from accessing their money in order to get these. As a result she will be cold, wet and unwell. She will be suffering physical discomfort as a direct result of his action.

I gave him a bit of a benefit of doubt at the beginning of this thread but age is no excuse at all for the "I'll think about it" response.

Mandy, what sort of clothes does he have?

GET AWAY FROM HIM! He does not love you, you are not getting any of your emotional or physical needs met in your relationship with him. If he can't behave like a responsible adult then you have no chance of getting him to be the man you want. You can't change a person. They can choose to change themselves, your husband appears to be choosing not to.

agree with Rhinestone 100%, your DH is a dickhead. Anyone over the age of 13 buying computer games over their childrens/your needs - deserves a slap. Sorry, sit him down expain the situation, tell him how you feel. You are a team - doesn't matter who earns what, if he doesn't like it - do the walk...knobwombles like him give us all a bad name

Right, I'm not a stalker but I did have a peek at some of your other posts.

I noticed on a couple of them that you said that you spent £100 recently on a Christian Louboutin Barbie for your DD.

Now I do think that your DH sounds like a wanker, and he should treat you better, but I do think that if you can afford a £100 doll above shoes for yourself, then perhaps your priorities are a bit fuzzy.

If your DH is aware of this, then that may also explain his reluctancy to hand over the cash.

Maree thankyou for that, but as much as I'd like to say I have enough money to just throw £100 around at random, I don't. That doll was actually bought in May, so not recent, and it wasn't just a random purchase it was my gift to her for her naming ceremony. And I had saved for that doll in the months leading up to it from my 'spends'. I bought it because it was limited edition and had red hair just like my DD, and hopefully it'll be worth something too when she's older. Like I say, this was in May, and I had saved for it since February. It bears no resemblence on anything else, it was a present for her. And a present which I saved up for and bought months ago, does not mean I should go without things..surely? I am actually quite hurt that you would search out things I have bought previously and use that as reasons why it's my own fault I go without. I was just starting to feel confident that this isn't my fault, but my confidence has been shaken again now. Thanks very much.

PartialToACupOfMilo No, that wasn't me?

Also, to those who have asked about the rent arrears, that happened because of something to do with the bank withdrawing DH's overdraft, he had previously used it as his student account so something happened and anyway we couldnt pay the rent as his wages were completely swallowed.

I haven't had chance to speak to DH again as he went out to a friends a while ago.

Thankyou so much again to the people who have been posting along with me, I hope you all know how much it's appreciated. I am considering accepting some of the offers but I just feel like I couldn't possibly be deserving of such kindess and generosity. I am amazed by how lovely some of you have been to me, and I have felt for the first time in a while that I am not completely worthless. I just need to be brave, I just don't know how to take control of this situation...I have been given so much good advice though which I am carefully thinking about.

It is long thread but I don't recollect any mention of a vintage doll collection.

I'm sure there's a very simple explanation.

xpost

Mandy, you do mention in the post ScareeMaree referred to that there is a vintage doll collection you have bought on DD's behalf.

This is an investment, right ?

oh fgs scareemaree. Give the girl a break. Bit pathetic and bitchy trawling her old threads imo.

She has 3 vintage dolls yes, not really much of a collection yet. Which were bought for her on special occasions. I bought her a doll on her first christmas, her First Birthday, and her naming Ceremony.