to not want my present to be a pair of huge dildos... *TMI alert*

[surprisedinthesockdrawer]

DH has been hinting for a while that he's bought me a present - it's been a while and I've been quite excited. It's sounded a bit bedroomy, and tbh I thought it was underwear.... until this morning. A root around in his sock drawer for a pair of sports socks for the gym, and I found two massive dildos - one black, one white - both fully erect, with all the veins and balls included too. I guess that's my 'present'. (And there was a present to him too, one of those weird jelly-like replica vaginas....) Sorry for the TMI.

I feel a bit revulsed. Over the years he's bought various sex toys - vibrators, butt plugs, cock rings etc, which I've tried out to keep him happy, but he's known they're not really my thing. Erotic literature I like, but porn - it's just so fake and often a bit disturbing. If I'm honest, I'm actually a vanilla type of girl - a straightforward shag and a snog does it for me. The sex toys and porn seem weird, and just (for me this is) take sex from something natural to a process that feels unnatural. We've talked about sex lots over the years - well with 3 young children, it's dipped a bit. We decided recently to get our sex life up from a once a week to every other day, and that's been going ok, but I'm just a bit floored by the dildo discovery.

I guess what I'm asking the mumsnet massive is....

How do I explain to my husband (gently - he doesn't take criticism well) that the present he's bought me isn't my thing at all. How would you deal with it - would you even deal with it - and can we find some sort of sexual equilibrium?

There is also another option of course - that these aren't meant for me at all - but to be used on him....

I would go down the "ooh one each, how super, now bend over darling" route.

Oh Balloon - I want to adopt you!! Hilarious agony aunt advice.

and it would be agony - they're HUUUUGGE!

OMG!!! mumsnet has certainly opened my eyes to other peoples' sex lives.
i don't even know what some of these things are

Perhaps they are electric shoe stretchers, since you found them in his sock drawer?

Puts thinking cap on.....

Okay.

One simple suggestion which might help you establish who is already (or will be using them in the future)

1. get some Ralgex spray
2. Coat both items liberally with it
3. Await developments
4. If they are presented to you, spend some time washing them in the hottest water you can find with half a bottle of detergent. Use gloves.

5)If DH or anyone else starts complaining of burning sensations, case solved.

Well, I would just say that I found them when I was putting the laundry away and would ask when he bought them and basically just take the conversation from there. Don't mention that you thought they were a present. Act as if it never crossed your mind.

I think you do have to be upfront about these things not being 'you'. It can't all be about making your DH happy, he has to make you happy too!

coodles - lol

You're right all of you I do need to be clearer. Maybe he just hasn't heard it clearly enough in the past - or he's ever the optimist. Or he hopes I might get to like 'Big Ben' and his friend... You really do need to be LOUD AND CLEAR though don't you. I'm just worried about keeping it out of an argument but still getting my point across.

I don't understand this thread (although it is quite amusing in places)

OP, you don't have to do/join in with anything you don't want to

end of

if he isn't listening to you/sulking/making you feel like some frigid old bag then he is a sexual bully and he needs to be cut right down to size

"it must be difficult because you have always gone along with it"

no, it fucking isn't

Agree with scaryfucker

I find it very odd that people would buy sex toys (for joint use) without discussing them first with their partner.

If they are for his sole use, I'd start making remarks about continence if they are that big! Ask him what size rubber pants he needs ( mind you, he might like them).
Is the other thing an actual replica vagina or just a stroker? (the strokers are actually quite fun to use ), if it's one of those modelled-on-a-porn-star's-flaps masturbators, then yuck.

The other thing is that even if he doesn't get stroppy when criticised, he is still bullying you in a passive-aggressive way into doing things you'd rather not. And even if you have gone along with it before, that doesn't mean you have to do it again. There are some things that you don't have to compromise on.

Hmm. I can see his side a bit, actually. Just because he enjoys sex toys and so on, doesn't automatically mean he's incredibly comfortable with his sexuality. He actually sounds quite nervous/conflicted if he worries he's a pervert when his wife says she doesn't fancy something. That might be a guilt-tripper's reaction, but it might equally be the reaction of someone who already feels a bit ashamed of liking non-vanilla sex.

This isn't any criticism of you, OP, and of course you shouldn't do anything you don't like - but I think you do need to sit down and talk to your husband about it. If his response to you saying you don't like it is that he's a pervert, ask him why on earth he thinks that.

Btw, ouch at massive dildos! Ew!

Thanks - helpful ideas. No criticism taken pumpkin - I think I have tip toed round a few subjects before (resisting urge to say handled with kid gloves) and should just be open and honest. Good tactics.

Hope you manage to talk it out then!

what's a stroker? ..I am getting an education here....

sorry, but still laughing at the vibrating teddy bear down someones knickers, then looked at that posters name "discobeaver" - nearly choked on my tea laughing...sounds like a bloody disco down there

Do not click this link under any circumstances.

Spluttering tea over my keyboard - love the suggetstion from Slidge about the novelty sock displayers
OP, I realise that you are adsking for helpful suggestions and not getting any - you are taking this in very good part.

What do you mean MrsGhoul
I think we are all very helpful and concerned.

TiggyD that link is the funniest thing I have ever seen/read. OMG those toys!

Everybody needs a chin dildo.

TiggyD my computer has blocked the link and i don't DARE override it...and yet it exerts a fascinating pull...

Glow in the Dark Speculum

What it is: "Plastic glow in the dark speculum enables you to take a deep look into your passion."

What it does: Lets you play doctor with lights off. Helps you find that butt plug that went missing last month.

Who uses it: Med students, women with gynecological concerns.

Other uses: Glow in the dark salad tongs, rudimentary penguin hand puppet.

and why