to not want my present to be a pair of huge dildos... *TMI alert*

[surprisedinthesockdrawer]

DH has been hinting for a while that he's bought me a present - it's been a while and I've been quite excited. It's sounded a bit bedroomy, and tbh I thought it was underwear.... until this morning. A root around in his sock drawer for a pair of sports socks for the gym, and I found two massive dildos - one black, one white - both fully erect, with all the veins and balls included too. I guess that's my 'present'. (And there was a present to him too, one of those weird jelly-like replica vaginas....) Sorry for the TMI.

I feel a bit revulsed. Over the years he's bought various sex toys - vibrators, butt plugs, cock rings etc, which I've tried out to keep him happy, but he's known they're not really my thing. Erotic literature I like, but porn - it's just so fake and often a bit disturbing. If I'm honest, I'm actually a vanilla type of girl - a straightforward shag and a snog does it for me. The sex toys and porn seem weird, and just (for me this is) take sex from something natural to a process that feels unnatural. We've talked about sex lots over the years - well with 3 young children, it's dipped a bit. We decided recently to get our sex life up from a once a week to every other day, and that's been going ok, but I'm just a bit floored by the dildo discovery.

I guess what I'm asking the mumsnet massive is....

How do I explain to my husband (gently - he doesn't take criticism well) that the present he's bought me isn't my thing at all. How would you deal with it - would you even deal with it - and can we find some sort of sexual equilibrium?

There is also another option of course - that these aren't meant for me at all - but to be used on him....

oooh demented, I looked -
Want to come round and look on mine?

Oh dear my DH is a bit like this. Situation is a bit different as I am a bit dirty as well but it comes in fits and spurts (erm excuse the nasty pun there ). Sex toys sometimes seem like a good idea to me but never get used as they dn't do much for me nowadays. But DH does love buying them for me anyway! One birthday I got this:-

www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=776

At the time I was heavily pregnant and weighed about 200lb so couldn't get on it. After that I was always too scared we would pull the ceiling down using it so could never let myself go. I think it is still in the loft. For xmas one year he got me this:-

www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=16675

Never been used. God knows why he bought it - I am not the sexy dance sort really.

Every year now he says "oh I just bought your birthday present" and I always sigh and say "is it something to do with sex?". Luckily he appears to have learnt his lesson

you sure they're not bookends?

Maybe use them as such. He'll get the hint

'I would go down the "ooh one each, how super, now bend over darling" route.'

Me too - I think that's the best option!!

Tell DH that you will have the vagina and he can shove the dildo up his arse

I loved the bit on that website where there was an artificial vagina that looked "as if you are getting a blow job from one of the village people."

I may have cackled when I read that.

I am still laughing at your crossed swords suggestion Balloon.

OP, your DH isn't off on a stag is he? Just that once at a festival I saw a bloke (clearly a stag) trying to drink a pint out of a paper cup with one of those enormous veiny dildos gaffa-taped to each of his hands. He basically had to hold his pint between two giant rubbery knob-ends....

Actually I've just found the photo of the bloke with cocks-for-hands. One black and one white dildo...maybe they come in pairs? Where can I post it so you can see?

Bunty, I'd love too but am tempted to override the safety on this one just to satisfy my curiosity...

Ooh demented, do it, I have just spent 10 mins laughing out loud and broadening my mind at the same time.

but i don't want DH to see what I'm looking at - it might give him ideas i could do without! i will probably come over all missish and have an attack of the vapours or something...
I'll look at it tomorrow when he's on night shift [hgrin]

So ladies, do you want to know how it all went down (scuse the pun, can't help myself...)?!!

our chat i mean...

And tiggyD - hilarious website. I had a quick look on my phone while I was on the school run - and nearly choked - much to neighbouring mums consernation. Didn't dare tell them what at. pmsl at 'wear on your nose as a pinocchio costume'

Have you come to terms with your husband's gender identity then?

I got them out of the drawer and left them on his bedside table with socks over them like an earlier poster suggested. Then I made a joke when he came across them (steady!) ? that lightened the mood. Then when the kids had gone to bed, started a serious conversation ? who exactly were they for, why did he buy them, etc etc. I stopped his normal passive-aggressive reactions and made sure he faced the issue hard-on (sorry head-on. Can?t stop myself now). They were ?my present? and meant to be used on me! (winces painfully) Of course it was a selfish gift, bought without any thought of whether I?d really like them or not. And he hasn?t taken into account at all what my desires are. Anyway - we ended up having a great discussion about what we both are comfortable with, and I finally was able to be honest with him and confess to just being a fairly vanilla sort of girl, and tell him that while I?m happy to have fun in bed, toys are really a turn-off for me.

This thread has really helped a situation that could have blown up into a massive row. Firstly, all the jokes at the beginning really helped to calm me down and get me seeing the funny side of it all. It also reassured me that I wasn?t being totally prudish and remind me that we all have things we?re not comfortable with. And so many of your comments were just ??WTF ? just tell him.? So I did instead of bottling it all up, and exploding later on. It?s also helped me communicate to him (and this is your point LittleRed) that it?s ok to want a different kind of sex ? it?s just not ok to expect someone else (or try and push them) to do that with you if they don?t feel comfortable. As chipmonkey said, there are some things we can reach a compromise on ? but other things I?m just not going to be able to do.

I feel so much better. Thanks everyone. He might even get lucky tonight? just not the donkey kongs. They?re going out with the binmen tomorrow?

faints...

Well done, you! Handled very, very well!

...yes well done OP..

Not putting them on eBay then? Well, wrap them well so the bin bag doesn't split and expose your shame to the street.

When xdh and i split up I took the large bag of unwanted 'toys' he had bought for 'me' and drove five miles in the middle of the night and buried them in someone's skip under a load of junk. What a weight off my mind!

WHO?.., please tell me..

erm, no perhaps don't

...would buy a dildo, no packaging off EBAY?

Best thread I have read in ages
Glad you got it all sorted op

Very glad you got it all sorted- and I spent a good half hour with DP roffling at TiggyD's link, which completely headed off at the pass his moaning about be spending all night on Mumsnet, so win-win [