in thinking my DH is a selfish arse and needs to get a second job?

[MrsMoosickle]

Well bit of a back story, he (DH) graduated 10 years ago with student loans etc, added more and more debt to his name through credit cards etc and was generally feckless for several years.

fast forward to 5 years ago, met me, we drafted up a repayment plan for him, he moved into my house and he stuck to his budget! he earns 30k + but commits 70% of that to paying back his toot.

i earn a good salary and have no debts and for 3 years or so I paid for 90% of the outgoings and he paid a token amount for his food etc. ( all the while paying back his debts)

We now have a baby who is at nursery 4 days a week ( no other choice really) We both work FT. I still pay about 70% of all outgoings including all childcare costs. As his debt dwindles he increases his contribution, but it a fecking nightmare!

I've been patient enough I think ( if a bit moany up until now) but this month he has used his rare overtime money to buy glasses at 200.00 and pay his golf fees.

I'm raging and about to murder him. AIBU in how angry I feel. Should every spare penny not go to the family purse?

Sorry for long post but felt you needed to see the biger picture. Whew!

Well yes he's taking the mickey playing golf

but you knew he had debts when you decided to stick with him and have kids

When you say glasses, do you mean spectacles? If so, doesn't he need them?

I am too tired to consider the rest of your case but sight for each member of the family is pretty important. I would consider vision to be one of those things that the family purse can stretch to..

200.00 was for designer frames! Should have made that clearer.

Glasses are an essential purchase. Golf is not. Getting a second job when working full time is both a difficult thing to get and an unreasonable expectation if it is not the difference between food on the table and no food.

It must be soul destroying (for both of you) to go to work and have not much to 'show' for it in terms of money to spedn on things you need/want. maybe a split of excess funds - half overtime to debts, half to both of you for 'luxuries'?

YABU to think he should ger a second job. Yes that would bring in monet but that would not be any good for family life. Glasses are expensive. although he probably could get a cheaper pair.
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Depends whether he normally has any money just for himself and if you do. If you don't, then perhaps he could have foregone the golf subs (assuming the glasses were a necessity). If you do but he doesn't, then I think it is important that he does too when he can, otherwise he could become bitter & resentful which would be very destructive for the relationship. It does sound as if he quite committed to clearing the debt.

Maybe I'm just being a bit ranty. In the cold light of day a second job wouldn't really solve anything...think i'm upset tonight because my disposbale income is being eaten up and actually his life is as it always was. I swear, he doesn't have a worry in the world ( and better specs than me now!)

Fair enough though. I bow to your reasonableness!

Mrs M

disposable

Am an optometrist so think 200 on specs is justified!

However, golf fees are a luxury, not a necessity and given how much you have clearly given up for him, I think he should have done without paying that!

No YANBU by the way - if you have no disposable income and he's like before it's totally unfair on you - I maintain extra income to be split and mabe he should contribute more.

Thanks for replies all.

Dittany - he has 2 loans to go and will be clear in May next year ( Oh Thank God) He pays for his golf, his life insurance, 20 quid to CTF and after his Starbucks everyday at the station travel to work etc its a tiny amount that gets deposited in my account. So everything else, I have to pay.

oooft, I wanted to score out the Starbucks bit.

You don't 'have' to do anything - it's both yoyr responsibility. If you are in charge of finances then all should go into your account - he's obviously not the money head in your set up.

I feel your frustration. I would be fuming about the golf and the specs too. However, to expect him to get a 2nd job is unreasonable I feel.

I think he is truthful Dittany, Just a fritter really. I'm thinking I ned a better plan to see us through until May.

I'd need the Chancellor to help me weed out his little day to day expenses!

We budget as Dh is a total money knobber! We get weekly spends and all is equal. If he has money to fritter and you don't that is TOTALLY unfair.

Where is the joy in his life if he cannot even have a pair of nice glasses and a game of golf ?
I think you either pay your lions share with good grace as you agreed or you sit down and review the situation but don't sit fuming about him buying a coffee on the way to work.

Glasses are needed, and honestly if I wore glasses I would want them to look good, so yes to the glasses.

Golf fees no way. In a marriage any major purchase or expense should be discussed beforehand (especially give his track record with money).

How muhc are golf fees?

How long, roughly, will it take to pay off his debt?

The golf fees would piss me off. DH plays at council run courses and they are cheap as chips.

Glasses, well £200 is a lot (I wear specs) and Specsavers is doing 2 pair of glasses, including frames, for £79.

I would be fuming TBH.