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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking my DH is a selfish arse and needs to get a second job?

159 replies

MrsMoosickle · 12/10/2010 22:40

Well bit of a back story, he (DH) graduated 10 years ago with student loans etc, added more and more debt to his name through credit cards etc and was generally feckless for several years.

fast forward to 5 years ago, met me, we drafted up a repayment plan for him, he moved into my house and he stuck to his budget! he earns 30k + but commits 70% of that to paying back his toot.

i earn a good salary and have no debts and for 3 years or so I paid for 90% of the outgoings and he paid a token amount for his food etc. ( all the while paying back his debts)

We now have a baby who is at nursery 4 days a week ( no other choice really) We both work FT. I still pay about 70% of all outgoings including all childcare costs. As his debt dwindles he increases his contribution, but it a fecking nightmare!

I've been patient enough I think ( if a bit moany up until now) but this month he has used his rare overtime money to buy glasses at 200.00 and pay his golf fees.

I'm raging and about to murder him. AIBU in how angry I feel. Should every spare penny not go to the family purse?

Sorry for long post but felt you needed to see the biger picture. Whew!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMoosickle · 14/10/2010 21:25

Tis depressing indeed SF. Genuine thanks to you and everyone else for their thoughts and views though. Its my first posting and I've found it really useful. Focused the mind for sure.

Mrs M

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 14/10/2010 21:28

aww, didn't realise was your first post

what a shitty one for your cherry !

I am glad we helped and I hope you stick around x

spidookly · 14/10/2010 21:30

What was his response to your displeasure?

This really matters.

If he will just do whatever he can get away with then your future plans should include considering divorce.

Marriage is a millstone if your spouse can't be trusted with money. You could still stay together should you choose, but you would not be so vulnerable financially.

This is really sn object lesson in why you shouldn't marry someone who has racked up significant debt on fripperies.

Original poster
MrsMoosickle · 14/10/2010 21:32

Thanks again. yep sticking around. Its been great. Laughing at the cherry comment too. Felt a tad like that actually.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMoosickle · 14/10/2010 21:37

If I'm being honest Spidookly ( Great name BTW) I don't think he was that fazed by it. It was his under reaction that prompted me to post here.

He appeared to feel the same way some of the posters on this thread have, what's the big deal,I liked the glasses and golf is all I do.

It was that reaction that made me wonder if i was being unreasonable in the first place.

I feel clearer now though and you are right about seeing the initial warning signs. Its embarrasing really. I feel a bit ashamed that we are in this position and fearful for ever really solving the bigger issues. Sad

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 14/10/2010 21:38

don't be ashamed

he should be feeling shitty, not you

Mumcentreplus · 14/10/2010 21:41
Hmm
ScaryFucker · 14/10/2010 21:57

mcp...you have done it again Hmm

care to comment ?

Mumcentreplus · 14/10/2010 22:02

Oi you!!! I can't help it..Grin..ok ..I haven't read the whole thread just the OP..not sure if I should..

ScaryFucker · 14/10/2010 22:03

mcp...go on read it, you will be ok

and be kind to Op, she is a (MN) virgin

Girlsdad · 14/10/2010 22:10

I hope he does all the night feeds thats all i can say
I wouldnt dare !

Mumcentreplus · 14/10/2010 22:11

ok...Wink

ccpccp · 15/10/2010 08:53

Do you own a house MrsMoosickle?

When the debts are gone, then of course its time to save lump sums to clear the mortgage. Then you need to save for a larger/safer/working car. Then theres the holiday the family always wanted. Maybe get a cleaner in once a week to help out :)

There are plenty of ways to lock in his earnings so that he doesnt blow them all on rubbish.

BTW - he sounds like a good man. If golf is his only vice then you are very lucky.

Goldenbear · 15/10/2010 09:34

YABU in expecting him to get a second job when he works full time. It sounds like he's indebted to you (until May anyway) in that you are using your superior financial record to lord it over him. You have had a child with this man knowing his financial history so presumbly as the situation is been rectified, admittedly with your support, you agreed to this scenario from the off?

I really don't understand your anger at someone who is your husband and has bought a pair of glasses and pursues a leisure interest? It seems a bit mean when you are a family and he has equal status to you? It's not as if he has done nothing to resolve the situation by working with you on this budget.

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 15/10/2010 09:41

I think it comes down to trust, he got some extra money and his first instinct (still) was to spend it on stuff that wasn't really that urgent and secondly without discussing with you.

When was the last time the family finaces were reviewed?

I'm not suprised you were mad, he's got just over 6 months to go and still seems to have the same spend, spend, spend attitude, that would worry me greatly.

minervaitalica · 15/10/2010 10:41

Mr Moosickle,

I agree with you that what is done is done, and if it was a one-off thing that he has done once with his over-time money then perhaps I would let this lie. His behaviour would have annoyed me too though - he could have at least talked to you about it in advance.

However, what I would definitely start thinking about is how you will approach the situation when the debt is paid off next year. If he is prone to keeping up with the Joneses, having a lot of money in his hands all of a sudden after 5 years of hard saving could be dangerous. How are you planning to structure your finances yet? Direct debits, salary incl. overtime paid into joint account and then spending money for each... Are you going to try and put something aside for DC? i would start discussing these soonish after Xmas and come to an agreement well before May!

It's not

Original poster
MrsMoosickle · 15/10/2010 10:47

Goldenbear

It sounds like he's indebted to you (until May anyway) in that you are using your superior financial record to lord it over him

NNo, I am using my superior financial record tto ensure we pay the mortgage, have a svings provision and don't all get pulled into some materialistic pool of toot in a see it want it get it kind of way.

i did agree to the scenario - but expected the Father of my child to feel some kind of responsibility and work with me on it.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 15/10/2010 12:40

Yes I can see your point, it seems wise to use your financial sense to prevent the problems you described but that awards you a certain power in the relationship that he does not have. He should have informed you of his desire to buy these things but maybe he feels like ahe is being treated unfairly for past mistakes. Yes his decisions then have impacted your life with him but you knew it would.

Do you go without any treats out of interest or are you on the bread line? I don't think glasses even at 200 pounds are materialistic purchases. The golf membership is not essential but I don't think it's reckless to want reward for work, do you put all your money aside for savings provisions?

Original poster
MrsMoosickle · 15/10/2010 17:02

Goldenbear, You make a valid point, I did know that life would be like this, and so i kind of accept that majority of it because of that. Its the ole made you bed and lie in it bit I guess.

I don't put all my money aside for savings, no. However I don't have any debt and i do pay for us all. Anything extra I have generally goes on DD. That's all I ask of him too. Sadly, not to be though.

Thanks for your views. Appreciate your time, Smile

OP posts:
spidookly · 15/10/2010 18:49

His vice is not golf, it's greed.

That's one of the worst ones.

Mingg · 15/10/2010 19:23

His vice greed? Surely you mean being reckless with money.

spidookly · 15/10/2010 19:52

No, I mean greed.

He wasn't recklessly spending on gifts or shared treats. All his reckless spending is on himself.

There was extra money in the family pot and he took every penny for himself. That is naked, ugly, unadorned greed.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/10/2010 20:40

I am completely dumbfounded at the "controlling wife" posts. Those posters MUST be male and chauvinistic ones at that, they've got to be. Hmm

FGS, the debt is technically all his, the OP is doing all she can to help him pay it off quicker by taking on a bigger share of the family bills. It must be a smack in the mouth to have him spend his "spare" money on himself as really, the OP's "spare money" is the 20& extra she is paying past what would be a 50-50 split if they were sharing bills equally. (IYSWIM) Yet she is using HER "spare" money to pay off his debt. He is using HIS "spare" money on frigging golf and posh glasses.

It's not rocket science. OP, he is bang out of order. I am with Shodan all the way here - if you have debts, you pay off your debts FIRST, and if you earn extra overtime one month then it goes to reduce the debt. As I see it, the extra overtime money is not technically yours to spend - it is owed to someone else. Once the debt is clear you THEN use any extra money for luxuries (and golf, posh glasses and gym classes, as someone mentioned further up, ARE luxuries.)

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/10/2010 20:44

Oh and he needs to get out of his way of thinking that he is somehow DESERVES to spend the extra money on himself as he's worked for it and alter it to "the people/companies he owes money to DESERVE to be paid back."

Bloody sense of entitlement that some people have these days......astounding.

ccpccp · 16/10/2010 10:37

"Those posters MUST be male and chauvinistic ones at that, they've got to be"

OP has admitted her behaviour is slightly controlling, CurlyhairedAssassin. Do keep up.