in thinking my DH is a selfish arse and needs to get a second job?

[MrsMoosickle]

Well bit of a back story, he (DH) graduated 10 years ago with student loans etc, added more and more debt to his name through credit cards etc and was generally feckless for several years.

fast forward to 5 years ago, met me, we drafted up a repayment plan for him, he moved into my house and he stuck to his budget! he earns 30k + but commits 70% of that to paying back his toot.

i earn a good salary and have no debts and for 3 years or so I paid for 90% of the outgoings and he paid a token amount for his food etc. ( all the while paying back his debts)

We now have a baby who is at nursery 4 days a week ( no other choice really) We both work FT. I still pay about 70% of all outgoings including all childcare costs. As his debt dwindles he increases his contribution, but it a fecking nightmare!

I've been patient enough I think ( if a bit moany up until now) but this month he has used his rare overtime money to buy glasses at 200.00 and pay his golf fees.

I'm raging and about to murder him. AIBU in how angry I feel. Should every spare penny not go to the family purse?

Sorry for long post but felt you needed to see the biger picture. Whew!

As for glasses being essential: that us only true if he had no glasses.

It is not the case if he had adequate glasses but just fancied another pair.

And even essential purchases worth hundreds of pounds need to be discussed. Someone else in the family might have more pressing need.

YANBU to be annoyed at the golf. YABU to be annoyed at spending £200 on glasses. I can easily spend that on glasses without them being designer!

Think you need to sit down and look at your budget together. You are a family with a small child, there should be no "your money" and "his money" it should be "our money".

Any disposable income should be split between the 2 of you.

He took extra money for himself without discussion while his family pays his debts.

There is no perspective that makes that OK.

That's what I just said. It's not ok but let's not make more of it than it is.

Being married to someone who is happy to take more than their fair share on a consistent basis (being subsidised so his debts are paid off) and who will then unilaterally take even more for themselves is not something that should be minimised.

Being financially tied to someone so selfish and financially incontinent puts the op in a very vulnerable position.

He took money that rightfully belonged to the family without asking. The OP had scrimped for years to pay off his debt.

Ideally she should leave the selfish fucker to sort out the rest of thd debt himself without subsidy from her earnings, but unfortunately there us a large question mark over whether he can be trusted not to run up more debt in her name if he can't continue to treat himself at her expense.

Now you are definitely overreacting.

Well if you think it's OK fir his children to go without and his wife to scrimp and save to care for them while he takes their money and keeps a little bit extra by just for himself then you and I live in different decades.

The man has stuck to the plan for five years. And lots of his debt is student loans, so it's not all down to recklessness. In fact, that part was an investment that may bear fruit for him and the OP well into the future.

I probably can over react even more... he is never going to change... honest.

The OP has stuck to that plan for 5 years too. And it wasn't even her debt to start with. Perhaps she feels that she ought to be able to have the treats.

Slightly different if this man has always been careful with money and this was an aberration. But the OP says that, in addition to the understandable and (probably) unavoidable student debt, he was also feckless and ran up even more debt.

If the reason he has stuck to the plan is because she has enabled him to with her unwavering support, then he should not now be taking the mickey by treating himself before considering his family.

Jeez it's one month, one pair of glasses and one lot of golf fee's. Anyone would think the poor guy is out on the piss every night pissing his money against the wall and paying lap dancers or something.

Ok, I understand you might be slightly pissed off at the golf thing but being so angry that you're about to murder him is a bit OTT don't you think.

I still don't and will never get this his money, my money thing.

I've been with partner 2 1/2 yrs. He also has major debts from when he was with first wife. ALL money goes into one pot, all rent and bills, including csa for his first child, get paid, a bit goes into savings accounts, we take a bit out for ourselves each month and the rest goes towards paying off the debts. I don't understand why that's so difficult for some people if they are in a commited relatonship.

Seriously if you carry on dealing with your finances the way you are at the moment op, then you're just going eto start (if you don't already) resenting your dh and getting more and more worked up and cause massive aguements about money so I suggest sitting back down and working out another way of doing your finances which works out for both of you.

Dh and I have seperate money. Its what suits us.

Ops dh is taking the piss imo.

I love the way that DH debts are his, but his money belongs to the household.

Golf membership is once per year. He needs some personal outlet from the sorry life of debt repayment (5 years so far! at 70% of his earnings) he got himself into earlier in his life.

OP should be congratulating him that he is honoring his debts, rather than skipping responsibility via the fekless bankrupt-by-choice route.

If he were to put the money he spends wastes on golf into paying off his debts then he could pay the debts off quicker, reducing the interest he will have to pay. Golf is EXPENSIVE, and i bet alot of expensive drinking socialising, goes along with it.

I find the whole separate monies thing weird in couples, but if that works for folk then great.

Debt is a horrible, insidious thing and as a couple, even though the debts are his, i believe you should be working on them together, as you appear to be - it just probably feels like you are paying out for everything. But isnt this the same as maybe a SAHP,or couples who earn significantly different salaries - I have been a SAHM for the past 5 years and i start work next week, although my DP will earn in a day what i earn in a week, we have considerable debts, caused in part by my PND and inability to go back to work. Our money has always been equal though, blimey, when i worked before i simply paid my wages into DPs bank account, never actually "saw" my own money. Spent enough of it though ;) Will probably do the same again this time - people probably think that is weird but i am the female version of your DH so its better if DP holds the purse strings.

Well done to sticking to repayment plan for 5 years!! The end is nigh, you'll be free from it in just over 6mts! How will you celebrate?

He's not very good with finances, nor will he ever be. You will be the chancellor in the family, and you are good at it.

You knew he had debts and that it would take ages to repay, his disposable income would be tiny and yet you decided to stick with him and have a baby together. It tells me he must have something for you to compensate for all of it. Treasure it and don't lose it in your relations as it can make you happy.

Do you like his new glasses? We only buy expensive things together to (a) agree on the price and (b) to make sure we both like it. Can't comment on the golf and the time to play, but if it's the passion of his life, I would let him (not without discussing it first!)

Is he ambitious? Is he in the right place workwise to be promoted? I would be asking these questions, not the 2nd job as it would not bring a lot, make him tired and take him away from the family

am wondering how the thread would have panned out if it had been a husband calling his wife selfish for not taking on another job

sorry OP, but you knew he had debt when you met him. he's been paying it back. this was all agreed and ok right?
if he needs new glasses then he needs them. glasses ARE expensive. the cheapest dp could get his made up for was around £500 (and yes, we did try specsavers!)

golf... well, yes it's a luxury. but don't we all need a few of those to get through life?

Can you imagine 'my DH earns more money than me, and he is furious and wants to kill me with because I bought a pair of glasses' the number for Women's aid would have been posted by now.

Honestly I would divide family outgoings from the family purse, each of you then gets to spend the same amount of what is left oover. He'll haver to choose Starbucks or golf.

I am a SAHM and I expect to spend at least equal to what my DH spends on himself.

thisisyesterday "golf... well, yes it's a luxury. but don't we all need a few of those to get through life?" Agreed but golf isn't a new haircut or meal out when there is some extra cash to splash, its a commitment that can cost what? £800 a year, if not more, and then theres the socialising that goes with it. There is no WAY i could even consider that if i had debts to pay, especially if those debts were impinging on the family coffers.

Fuck golf anyway, this involves people, mostly men, avoiding spending time with their families at weekends, leaving the other parent at home to entertain the kids. Wouldnt be happening in my house, debts or not debts.

I agree that as a family you have done amazingly well sticking to the repayment plan. There may have been some reason he didn't want to go bankrupt (e.g. the profession he's in, owning property, whatever) and he's paid them back. I personally think that's worth something (plus have female friends whose partners have taken on their debts, I do detect a bit of a sexist undercurrent about feckless men as if women never run up debts and expect their partners to help them).

The glasses are irrelevant unless he just fancied a new pair. The golf does need discussing. I think it's reasonable for my husband to have gym membership even though money is very tight, as he is overweight and I think that's reasonable as an only luxury. Similarly, even though money is tight, I do buy the odd new pair of shoes and don't expect to be questioned about squandering the family finances. Perhaps you are pissed off because the golf means lots of Sat/Sun in on your own too. I would talk about the golf, but not the glasses.

Golf... 800 a year??? I would say a bit more. As far I know the golf clubs my ex was pinning for were worth far more than that, and that without counting the fees/membership and drinks/meals afterwards.

But the worse is not the expense, but becoming a golf widow, where basically any spare time/money is spent playing golf/socialising with golf friends, while the other one is at home, dealing with all the responsibilities on her own.

Sorry but I think he is doing very well paying this off and you should be a bit less harsh on him. I met my DH 10 years ago in the same situation and we are only just about to finish paying it off (it has gone up and down over time due to babies, wedding etc).

But then I have ALWAYS seen it as our money, our debt etc. Maybe I am a mug. But if you want him to pay it off fast you have to support him - was it your choice to have him pay it off fast? Presumably he would have paid it off at a more sensible rate if he had not been with you? 70% of a salary is a lot!

Glasses and a few games of golf? Blimey he isn't exactly gone wild has he? I think you would have murdered my DH is you had been with him instead

chandra, i can well imagine - i am thankfully blissfully ingorant to the comings and goings of the golf club :)

I too think he has done well. Unless you and your child actually had to go without you and you never spend any money whatsoever on yourself are being too harsh on him.