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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in thinking my DH is a selfish arse and needs to get a second job?

159 replies

MrsMoosickle · 12/10/2010 22:40

Well bit of a back story, he (DH) graduated 10 years ago with student loans etc, added more and more debt to his name through credit cards etc and was generally feckless for several years.

fast forward to 5 years ago, met me, we drafted up a repayment plan for him, he moved into my house and he stuck to his budget! he earns 30k + but commits 70% of that to paying back his toot.

i earn a good salary and have no debts and for 3 years or so I paid for 90% of the outgoings and he paid a token amount for his food etc. ( all the while paying back his debts)

We now have a baby who is at nursery 4 days a week ( no other choice really) We both work FT. I still pay about 70% of all outgoings including all childcare costs. As his debt dwindles he increases his contribution, but it a fecking nightmare!

I've been patient enough I think ( if a bit moany up until now) but this month he has used his rare overtime money to buy glasses at 200.00 and pay his golf fees.

I'm raging and about to murder him. AIBU in how angry I feel. Should every spare penny not go to the family purse?

Sorry for long post but felt you needed to see the biger picture. Whew!

OP posts:

OrmRenewed · 14/10/2010 10:40

OMG that is nasty

if we are a nest of vipers, what are they? A pit of scorpions

"Perhaps they should get off their portly derriers and do some housework & maybe earn some extra money for their household instead of whining about their situation on t'internet"

D'you know what I do earn 'extra money' for my household (in fact I earn the majority of the money for my household) but I do it sitting down! What am I going to do about my portly derriere

OrmRenewed · 14/10/2010 10:41

Sorry! Wrong thread

Original poster

MrsMoosickle · 14/10/2010 10:56

ccpccp: If it were a woman on here saying her DH was refusing to let her spend her overtime, the womans aid website would have been posted pages ago. 'Controlling!' and 'abusive!' would be screeched in every post.

DH has no financial independance because you dont allow him any.

He had independence - he racked up 50k of debt! He has a child now...not a risk i'm willing to take. You call it controlling, I say responsible.

OP posts:

pithyslicker · 14/10/2010 11:03

How did your DH feel about being 'raged' at?
Does he admit that he is in the wrong
Or does he think you are controlling?

ccpccp · 14/10/2010 11:09

He racked up 50k of debt prior to your relationship. And for that reason hes no longer allowed to spend his earned money without your OK. Eveything must come through you.

Spin it how you want, but its controlling. Plain and simple.

You are obviously the financially astute one in the relationship. So set a household budget that you want him to meet. The rest of his earnings are his to spend as he sees fit.

Need more out of him for some reason? Think he needs to be paying into a pension, or contributing more to the household when he earns more? Then discuss and get his buy in. Hes an adult.

Original poster

MrsMoosickle · 14/10/2010 11:23

ccpccp - I guess what you've said is pretty fair in theory. So take your point.

My point all along is that we borth earn the same, I pay 70% of everything though to allow him to get back on an even footing.

DH is never going to be any good with money ( his family are the same) and so if we are to have security for DD I will always feel I carry that responsibility. ijtwis.

I was originally posting beacsue I felt it was selfish and unreasonable that he kept ( and frittered) his allowance and also ( without discussion) retained additional money for himself.

OP posts:

Bumblingbovine · 14/10/2010 11:33

I can see why the Op is annoyed.

However the main problem here is that the financial set described seems to be the "Separate pots" model.

Lots of couples do this and it is fine for many people but one of the fundamental assumptions with this is that money is separate. Both partners contribute to the household on an agreed budget and any xs money earned belongs to each person individually.

The Op has set their finances up like this because she doesn't trust her dh with money (probably very sensible). However in this instance the OP wants her partner to treat his excess bonus money as family money. Her dh isn't thinking like that because that is not how their set-up works.

DH and I use the "one pot" model of finances, ie we share it all and it all belongs to both of us. This means that excess money earned is family money, we both understand that. Neither of us is great with money (dh is better than me though) but we try together and try not to blame each other if one of us spends too much on something.

The problem with the "separate pot" model is you have to be very specificc about how it works and you need to build in what happens with extra money or payments.

The OP need to talk to her dp about what they do with extra money earned and specify what happens to it in future.

Personally I would find this too much hassle, hence why we use the "one pot" model. It is easier to administer! It does require trust though and I think that is the main issue with the OP and her dh.

Tootlesmummy · 14/10/2010 11:41

Why don't you get his salary paid into an account that you control and pay an amount over to him every month so he can then spend that on whatever he wants. If he does overtime you can then discuss if he should get a bit more or if you buy something for the family etc.

Also, if he's paid for the golf up front why don't you ask him to then pay what he has allocated himself each month to cover that to put aside for your child or just give it to you as a treat?

spidookly · 14/10/2010 14:52

"Then discuss and get his buy in. Hes an adult."

Discuss it?

So it's up to the OP to "discuss" things, but her "adult" husband gets to do whatever he wants with "his" money?

He has no responsibility to discuss expenditure, but it is his wife's job to monitor what he can and can't spend?

And THAT is what you consider being an adult?

Adults are people who know that when they are in debt they don't get to consider golf and new glasses they don't need "necessities".

Adults care about people who rely on them and don't consider it a hardship to have to hold off on buying themselves treats until they've considered who else might need some of the money they're spending.

And you need to stop with the straw man argument. It's insulting.

MN offers extremely useful and valuable advice to women who are being abused.

Nobody would tell a woman who had just blown hundreds of pounds on glasses and golf without discussion while her husband paid off her debts that he was controlling if he asked her not to be so selfish and irresponsible.

OP, the fact that he has a history of lying to you about money is very worrying IMO.

Do you really think it is sustainable to keep such a tight rein on family finances?

He obviously can't be trusted, but if that is the case you (and any DCs) are in a very vulnerable position.

If he takes on more debt, even without your knowledge, you will be on the hook for it.

ccpccp · 14/10/2010 16:12

Give it a rest spidookly. The guy spent his overtime on golf. He didnt have an affair or rob a bank or use his kids dinner money at the bookies. He earned extra and so got to spend it.

Bumblingbovine - spot on :)

spidookly · 14/10/2010 16:31

"He earned extra and so got to spend it."

It's a good thing for him his wife doesn't take that attitude.

You think it's fair that he should take his wife's money when it suits him

And why don't you give it a rest?

You're accusing the OP of being abusive because she doesn't like being treated like a mug.

"He didn't... use his kids dinner money at the bookies"

That's pretty much exactly what he's done.

He's taken money that could have been spent on his children and spent it on luxuries for himself.

And FWIW, I'd far rather be with a man who was unfaithful than one who lied to me about money and took more than his due.

Shodan · 14/10/2010 16:55

If the man had any sense of responsibility and decency he would first pay off his debts (and they are his, run up by him prior to meeting the OP) and then look at expensive hobbies and luxuries.

I wholeheartedly agree with spidookly on this.

spidookly · 14/10/2010 17:42

"i have accepted oiur situation for what it is and I know he is nearly there with it."

In what sense is that true?

Once his debts are paid off you're still going to be married to someone who can't be trusted with money.

How are you going to solve that problem?

How is he?

Does he even think it's a problem that he is so greedy and entitled?

cumfy · 14/10/2010 17:45

So he accrued £40k of debt in 3 years (10-5-2) whilst on £30k a year ?

Did he manage to explain where this money went ?

Thats around £80k, in excess of disposable income.
Quite a few rounds of golf ?

cumfy · 14/10/2010 17:47

disposableincome essential expenditure

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 14/10/2010 18:39

Gosh, Spidookly, there is nothing I could do about my own personal problems now, but I so wish somebody had told me exactly what you are saying here early in my marriage. I would have acted more quickly to regain my financial independence before it was too late. Instead, most things I heard were in the likes of "That's how men are".Not really constructive, is it?

ScaryFucker · 14/10/2010 18:55

Saying "that's how men are" is not constructive in any situation, tbh

ccpccp · 14/10/2010 20:22

"And FWIW, I'd far rather be with a man who was unfaithful than one who lied to me about money and took more than his due."

Original poster

MrsMoosickle · 14/10/2010 20:37

Not really Cumfy...It was travel, clothes, gadget shit. DH is a bit of a keep up with the Jones's type. First to be splashing the cash around and trying to impress. Guess it just accumulated over time.

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 14/10/2010 21:00

....hence the expensive glasses and golf membership

it seems old habits die hard ?

Original poster

MrsMoosickle · 14/10/2010 21:09

I know SF! Think its a family tradition (his, not mine) My Granny would say " he's all fur coat and no knickers)

OP posts:

spidookly · 14/10/2010 21:12

Quite, Scary

OP, how are you going to address this?

How does he think things are going to be once you've paid off his debt?

Quids in for him and lots of splashing the cash on himself?

Does he have any notion that racking up tens of thousands of pounds in credit card debt on gadgets and travel is deeply, incredibly stupid?

ScaryFucker · 14/10/2010 21:13

not so funny when he is doing at the expense of his family though ?

he is a fool to piss you off like this, after everything you have sacrificed, tbh

does he realise how lucky he is ?

Original poster

MrsMoosickle · 14/10/2010 21:19

I was tempted to show him the thread in all honesty. However the thought of him seeing the "controlling wife" responses has put me off! In a controlling kind of way I don't want to give him any amunition!

So, I've made my feelings clear on the purchases for this month, its done now and so just have to accept it.

There is no way on this planet we are working from one account. You are right, I don't trust him enough, my worry is the old see it want it get it mentality is in his DNA.

Actually the bigger worry comes from when all this is paid off and the disposable income is significant again. Its easy to take the reins when things are tighter.

Longer term I know I need a plan

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 14/10/2010 21:22

how depressing to have to police your own husband

controlling might be true, but it sounds like you have no choice

show him this thread

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