in thinking my DH is a selfish arse and needs to get a second job?

[MrsMoosickle]

Well bit of a back story, he (DH) graduated 10 years ago with student loans etc, added more and more debt to his name through credit cards etc and was generally feckless for several years.

fast forward to 5 years ago, met me, we drafted up a repayment plan for him, he moved into my house and he stuck to his budget! he earns 30k + but commits 70% of that to paying back his toot.

i earn a good salary and have no debts and for 3 years or so I paid for 90% of the outgoings and he paid a token amount for his food etc. ( all the while paying back his debts)

We now have a baby who is at nursery 4 days a week ( no other choice really) We both work FT. I still pay about 70% of all outgoings including all childcare costs. As his debt dwindles he increases his contribution, but it a fecking nightmare!

I've been patient enough I think ( if a bit moany up until now) but this month he has used his rare overtime money to buy glasses at 200.00 and pay his golf fees.

I'm raging and about to murder him. AIBU in how angry I feel. Should every spare penny not go to the family purse?

Sorry for long post but felt you needed to see the biger picture. Whew!

If both people are bad with money or both good marriages work fine (in ours we were both good with it and had everything in ajoint pot, always paid back debt, didn't spend much etc). If you're different from each other it's much harder. There's no reason men should earn more than women of course (I earned 10x my children's father by the end) but there is a good point in that if she has had to sort out and work very hard to repay his debts (lucky him to have that help) then once those are sorted out then they need now to agree what will h appen after that.

If she paid a lot of his debt then when he starts having spare money is that a debt (given they kind of operate separate finances) he shoudl first pay back to her or is that a clean slate and once they've paid 50% of the childcare and mortgage each and 50% of the bills he keeps his excess and she hers?

I would have thought the latter, but hey, it's none of my business and according to some, I'm not keeping up.

I pay £200 + for specs on the high street, but I have a very strong prescription, and I buy cheaper frames. The main cost is the lenses I choose to keep them thin and light weight. If I bought specsavers basic pairs, the lenses would be very, very thick.

However, I now buy specs online, and can get an equivalent pair for half the price, or less. You can get cheap designer frames, and basic pairs can cost as little as £15. The only note of caution I would sound is that make sure you know what measurements you want for the frames, and use a pair of specs you're comfy with and measure those. Specs do come in different sizes.

Meanwhile, dp and I are both very careful with family finance. I have a credit card, paid off in full each month, and it's used for online purchasing only. DP doesn't have one, but if there's something he needs, I pay with the card and he gives me the money for it.

OP, your posts make me uncomfortable for a number of reasons. First, it reminds me of my relationship with my ex DP...... I ended that relationship because ultimately I felt like the parent in the relationship and so for that reason, it wasn't an equal relationship.

Second, my DH and I are in a different situation, as we don't have debts. However, we pay proportional amounts of what we earn into our joint account and after that our money is our own. However, any big purchases, even with our "own" money, we discuss. Your relationship just doesn't strike me as having that level of transparency.

Last, my DH and I have the same attitude to debt i.e. we don't do it, and we don't live beyond our means. given his attitude so far, I just worry that when your DH is debt free next year, that won't be the end of it. Unfortunately, for the sake of your family, you have had to enable him and I don't think he has learned any hard lessons. People who like to live beyond their means and keep up with the Jones' don't tend to change their ways unless they have learned some hard lessons. I am not sure your DH has learned.

When I first posted I hadn't read the entire thread and had not realsied that most of his debts were caused by reckless spending.

I'm not sure he has learned either. Having said that when 70% of your debt goes on debt payments and it's expected that you don't spend anything on yourself becuase of your debts then like can seem incredibly hard and boring. I don;t excuse it as it was his recklessness that caused it but it is hard to deal with.

When he has his debts paid, given that he hasn't learned, he'll probably think he has free reign to go off and spend his income as he likes. If he can spend £200 on a pair of glasses with almost no disposeable income left then I shudder to think what'll happen when he does have disposeable income.

As novice says you may well be like the parent in the relationship. He may well never change. But you are married now and you have a family to think of.

I don't mean to scare you, it's just acknowledging a fact, in family law he's entitled to 50% of everything you've paid for and you're 50% liable for his debts if you ever divorce. You have to decide how hard and how strict you want to be with him.

Sorry that should've said 70% of your earnings

we need to knwo if he still "owes" her after he's repaid the debts, the sums she's paid of his debts whilst she was helping him out. Secondly we need to know if once the debts are repaid they will move to him paying more of the family expenses which presumably is the correct thing to do. If he is hopeless with money then plenty of cultures - UK working class, japanese etc ensured all the wage packet went to the wife adn them an just got a tiny bit of pin money. He sounds like a man who will need that set up for life. It has worked for millions of men world wide now and through history so although not that common a UK model it could certainly be agreed.

I'm of a midset now that come April ( quickly please) he won't 'owe' Me anything, instead he will still have his allocation of money ( for the things I've described) and I will control responsibly look after the rest for the longer term welfare/security of us all.

I agree that this is likley to be a way of life forever though

I just wanted to say that the op said the £200 was actually just on the designer frames!!!!

As dh's lenses cost £230 alone I think £200 for the frames is unreasonable under the circumstances.