in thinking my DH is a selfish arse and needs to get a second job?

[MrsMoosickle]

Well bit of a back story, he (DH) graduated 10 years ago with student loans etc, added more and more debt to his name through credit cards etc and was generally feckless for several years.

fast forward to 5 years ago, met me, we drafted up a repayment plan for him, he moved into my house and he stuck to his budget! he earns 30k + but commits 70% of that to paying back his toot.

i earn a good salary and have no debts and for 3 years or so I paid for 90% of the outgoings and he paid a token amount for his food etc. ( all the while paying back his debts)

We now have a baby who is at nursery 4 days a week ( no other choice really) We both work FT. I still pay about 70% of all outgoings including all childcare costs. As his debt dwindles he increases his contribution, but it a fecking nightmare!

I've been patient enough I think ( if a bit moany up until now) but this month he has used his rare overtime money to buy glasses at 200.00 and pay his golf fees.

I'm raging and about to murder him. AIBU in how angry I feel. Should every spare penny not go to the family purse?

Sorry for long post but felt you needed to see the biger picture. Whew!

Have you gone without so that he can pay for the glasses and golf?

I think you need to sit down and look at your finances.

What is left from your combined salaries, once you have paid all bills, loan repayments etc?

Agree a specific amount of what is left for DH to spend on himself. And an amount for you to spend on yourself. I personally think in a family it would be good if these were the same amount, but you might feel that "you" should get the lions share of what is left. Agree with DH.

DH then has agreed money to spend on himself, and what he spends it on is entirely up to him (and within your budget so hopefully not a bone of contention).

you need a BIG CHAT

he is taking the proverbial

that's not to say there can be no room in life for frittering or fun

but things have changed since you started out

he is still behaving like a child and you are subsidising him

you have a baby and a life together - get a joint account. it all goes in there and then you each get the same to spend - end this i pay the mortgage and bills and he gets to pay for the fun stuff malarky (and pay off his debts for the fun stuff he did way back when)

I wear glasses.

I have student debt that gets paid every month from my DH's salary.

(My debt is ONLY student debt, and it was taken on after we were together and with DH's agreement, so it is a little different.)

So I'm pretty close to being in the same situation as the OP's DH.

There is no way on earth I would EVER even CONSIDER spending hundreds of £ on myself without consulting DH.

If I got a little extra money through overtime, or a bonus, and I thought "you know what, this is extra, money is so tight, let's have a little treat"

I would NEVER think that the only person who should get the benefit of that treat was me.

If he was such a great guy he would have made sure the "extra" money bought treats for everyone. Hell, they'd have a lot more treats every month if they weren't all paying off his credit card debts.

And I'll say it again: unless his glasses fell off his face into the sea (this actually happened to me this year), he HAS glasses. He might WANT new glasses, but he doesn't NEED them right now before checking whether his wife might need something more.

And even when my glasses fell off my face into the sea and I had no other choice but to buy a new pair, I STILL consulted with my husband, the person who shares the financial burden of running our household, before buying them.

This man ran up debts when he was single for no good reason. That often speaks to a sense of entitlement to "treats" that takes no account of what can actually be afforded.

The fact that he would drop that much cash without even considering the needs or wants of his family (who would be financially better off without him) shows that he has not changed. He has learnt absolutely fuck all from all of this.

Instead of learning the lesson that his profligacy has put his family at a disadvantage, he has learnt the lesson that other people will take the pain so he can treat himself.

This is a serious problem, that needs to be tackled properly.

If you have the equivalent of Starbucks every day, golf and overpriced glasses, then it's only fair for him to have that too.

If you don't, then it's not.

Explain that to him in small sentences.

Thank you so much everyone for your views. I really appreciate the varying viewpoints.

just to be clear, I was never actualy going to murder my DH. Just a stupidlyworded phrase. I'm well used to him and equally well used to his ability to slip back into old ways.

I earn about 50k, but pro rata over 4 days, so in real terms we take home the same. His salary has increased a bit over the past few years and I've taken those increases as used them for our family. I think that's right as we had agrred to support this debt (£50k) as a couple and he has done well and stuck to that agreement. I accept that.

The additional money that comes in ( pay rises etc) need to come to me as when he has it, he spends it. So that's fine and for better or worse etc etc, I work around that.

Golf, he has always played and it costs around 900.00 per year. He pays that from his budget, its accounted for and I'm ok with it ( although agree its an isolating hobby)

This month and last he had significant overtime payments. He used them to pay a huge chunk of his golf fees ( and still kept the money that he normally saves for this) and upgraded his specs. No real need to chnage his glasses, just because he liked them!

So annoyed because I do go without to offset what he pays in debt, I pay all the childcare and certainly don't spend 900.00 a year on just me.

That extra money I would have saved and now its gone.

Its just made me resent him and our circumstances a bit. I'll get over it though.

Once again, Thank you all very much

we drafted up a repayment plan .... and he stuck to his budget

Isn't this the problem ?

Why did you think the initial arrangement was reasonable then and why isn't it now ?

Shouldn't you be/have been re-negotiating the arrangement ?

£50k that's a mortgage!

Clearly he has quite expensive taste.

mainly because the money he is allocated is more than enough to cover al his spends( golf included)

i have accepted oiur situation for what it is and I know he is nearly there with it.

That aside, I honestly feel that the right thing to do, is to give the family purse anything extra that comes in, not snaffle it away, spend it on stuff for yourself ( DH) when we are in this position because of him in the first place.

In terms of negotiating the arrangement etc, what he pays has worked o for us all, I have saved up the pay rised etc so that as a family we have some security for the future. Thats better for us than settling loans early etc

Sounds as though you could both have handled the debt differently. i.e:

1. Using all income to pay off as soon as possible, thereby

1. Transferring his debt to you, so he's paying you off not bank.

1. Or in effect put the £50k on the mortgage.

I'm sorry but it sounds like a lot of your hard earned cash has gone into banks' coffers.

He doesn't sound selfish, just stupid. But, I feel you've not been the sharpest knife in the drawer either!

Ouch! See your point Cumfy. I've never had debt though and just felt like I was doing the right thing at the time.

Ahh, the benefits of armchairs and hindsight.:o

It's not fair really.

Hope everything works out for you both.

Cheers Cumfy......

Glasses = OK
Golf = probably not
2nd job = YABU

Man, golf is expensive! And here I was thinking it was just incomprehensible and boring with strange shoes and rules about women's clothes.

My husband and I have just this month decided that his salary will go into my account and all our bills will be paid from it. I've been giving him spending money and it is surprisingly hard not to get snippy when he spends it on things like online gaming websites...at least, it was until I went birthday shopping for myself and managed to spend over £300! Oops. Think neither of us is great at money but we are trying much harder now baby is on the way. It is so easy to be annoyed by someone else's spending - still, Starbucks every day must really add up and it is so unnecessary! Buy him a thermos flask.

I don't get the separate money thing either. I have a friend who remembers every penny she spends and her busband spends and they have to reimburse each other if one buys something for the other (not counting presents). It is mad! Marriage for me has a lot of the for richer for poorer in it.

So the money he spent on golf and glasses was from overtime payments he did above and beyond your repayment plan. No financial hardship added at all.

He worked extra hours of his OWN free time and used it to pay the fee for something he loves, and upgrade his glasses.

What a complete rotter. You're better off without him.

I was thinking you were being very unreasonable after the initial post but as the story unfolds then I am beginning to change my mind.

Glasses that are upgraded "just because I want to" aren't a necessity, they are a luxury. Golf that is already budgeted for in the monthly cash flow doesn't need to be paid out of overtime. What has happened to the monthly amount set aside to pay his golf fees that he has cleared with this overtime payment? (I suspect he doesn't know).

With his significant debt repayment which has to impact on your family finances, he is being an arse to take his overtime pay and spend it without at least talking to you first.

(My husband had more than 50k debt when we first met, plus no job - both thanks to an ex-GF. It took us years to get our finances back on track and he would never spend so much on himself without talking to me about it first).

I'm glad my DH doesn't begrude my student debt and he isn't angry at me spending any money on myself.

I'm also glad he isn't of the view that I should stop going to the gym, saving the monthly fee, and instead getting a 2nd job even though I work full time as it is. I'd have no life if I took a second job.

I found that post quite scary :(

He didn't need the glasses, he just fancied a new pair - very selfish.

You have budgeted for the golf fees - so regardless of where the actual cash came from, he has essentially just frittered away the overtime/bonus money...

No wonder you are pissed off - he's taking the mickey - don't let him.

A1980 - it does sound like you and your DH have an agreement about how things are though, whereas MrsMoo's DH has just decided he fancies fritering away a large chunk of money without considering anyone else... selfish.

All the money needs to come through you because "if he has he spends it?"

(or more accurately, even though he doesn't have it he'll spend it anyway, ON HIMSELF, and make you go without to pay for it)

How attractive do you find it to be married to someone who would put your family in serious financial difficulty if you didn't stand in his way?

Who has let you take on his debts as yours, but treats any money he gets his hands on as HIS to spend on treats for HIM?

How do you respect an adult, a parent no less, who can't be trusted with money because he thinks it should all be for him?

It blows my mind that he got a bit extra and thought "you know who deserves a treat? ME!"

Who thinks like that?

(well obviously a lot of people on this thread, so I'll rephrase it:)

What kind of decent, responsible adult you'd want to trust your wellbeing to thinks like that?

Is there some kind of counselling he can do to stop him being such a selfish spendthrift?

Isn't he ashamed of being such a financial drag on the rest of you? I don't think I've ever met a man who would treat himself at his family's expense like this.

Doesn't he have any pride? Spending extra on himself while his wife goes without? It's kind of disgusting.

Do you respect him? (I couldn't) How long will you continue to respect him if he can't be a man about money?

Being financially independent is the biggest signifier of being an adult and he is nowhere close, and never has been.

A1980 - Although I am grateful for your input, can i just explain that the 50k debt was not entirely student based. just 20% of that debt was accrued through course fees. The remainder was accrued through living the goodlife and not having the means to pay for it. For the first two years of our relationship he hid the extent if the problem, although I had cottoned on just as he told me. We were in a committed relationship at hat point and so for the last 5 years I have worked with hom and supporte him to pay this off.

My beef is that he had additional cash this month ( and last) kept it for himself, continued to keep all his allocated money too and didn't but his child as much as a pair of gloves.

spidookly - Thank you for your post. very balanced and I will reflect carefully on what you have said.

oooh, bad typos there, but you get the gist.....

a guy who keeps money to himself when in a family - i think this is he real problem actually

We have started (after almost 20 years or maarriage...) to keep a record of pretty much everything we spend. It's broken down into mortgage, house bills, food, children, animals and leisure. I give DH any bills/receipts and my bank statement to go through or if there's stuff on there I don't want him to see like presents (or expensive jewellery - I wish...) and he puts it in.

It's all on an Excel file and tots it up as we go along then we know exactly what we have left and where we should be cutting back.

It's a pain to set up, but once you've got in the swing of it is incredibly useful (and quite scary) and makes you think.

I suspect you would have to do it, Mrs M, but perhaps it would help demonstrate where the money goes (and where it came from) and make your DH think a little harder before he throws money at golf.

Nothing wrong with treats here and there for everyone, but not at the expense of others!

My word spidookly - you do read a lot into posts dont you.

Balanced OP? Or what you want to hear?

DH has no financial independance because you dont allow him any.

If it were a woman on here saying her DH was refusing to let her spend her overtime, the womans aid website would have been posted pages ago. 'Controlling!' and 'abusive!' would be screeched in every post.

Yet when DH gets a bit of overtime he mistakenly thinks its his to spend. You know - reward for giving up HIS spare time, over and above the money that goes to the household. And not frittered away in the pub either, spent on a new pair of glasses and his yearly golf fees. One offs HE regards as essential.

What a fool the man is.