in thinking my DH is a selfish arse and needs to get a second job?

[MrsMoosickle]

Well bit of a back story, he (DH) graduated 10 years ago with student loans etc, added more and more debt to his name through credit cards etc and was generally feckless for several years.

fast forward to 5 years ago, met me, we drafted up a repayment plan for him, he moved into my house and he stuck to his budget! he earns 30k + but commits 70% of that to paying back his toot.

i earn a good salary and have no debts and for 3 years or so I paid for 90% of the outgoings and he paid a token amount for his food etc. ( all the while paying back his debts)

We now have a baby who is at nursery 4 days a week ( no other choice really) We both work FT. I still pay about 70% of all outgoings including all childcare costs. As his debt dwindles he increases his contribution, but it a fecking nightmare!

I've been patient enough I think ( if a bit moany up until now) but this month he has used his rare overtime money to buy glasses at 200.00 and pay his golf fees.

I'm raging and about to murder him. AIBU in how angry I feel. Should every spare penny not go to the family purse?

Sorry for long post but felt you needed to see the biger picture. Whew!

It may be U to tell him to get a 2nd job, that it'd impact the family.

But do you know what, seeing as this bloke has no problem running this debt up, he needs to understand PROPERLY the effort it takes to clear that mess up.

It's absolutely unreasonable for you to be carrying all of this because he can't keep it in his trousers (his wallet that is)

The Golf has to be suspended until his debt is clear. If those frames can be exchanged for a non designer frame, for the time being, then he has to do this.

He bloody well ought to get a 2nd job even if it's just up until Christmas, and start paying his way, he is seriously in danger of looking like he is taking the piss, big time.

You've admitted YABU about the second job...

The issue seems to this outsider to be now that he has fewer loan repayments (full respect to both of you for working so hard at that), you guys need to sit down and review your finances again, what comes in, what has to go out, what you put aside for a rainy day, what you might want to save for a holiday etc etc and how much is left at the end for frittering. I'm the fritterer in our relationship, but I really value that DH and I have worked out all our finances and I know how much starbucks fritterable money there is ikswim!

I really do believe that all money, whoever earns it, is the family's money, and no one has a right to spend it in a way that disrespects the other family members.

the glasses are ok £200 may not mean designer frames. im as blind as a bat and the lenses alone for me are 150 unless i want to look like i have MASSIVE eyes.

Golf on the other hand... tell him to fuck his golf. "oh but i need it to relax" and how many things have YOU given up on to sort your family out? I bet hundreds. until he is debt free and paying the exact same as you for stuff, or % of earning whatever you decide. he gets basics, a monthly train ticket, he can make his own lunch, he can have £10 a week for pocket money if he wants something he can put his 10 a week away. I had to do that with DH yes its tough, it affects his "manliness" (like i give a fuck i would rather have a roof over my head than his precious ego in tact)you are doing more than is requested of you by taking on his debts so the least he could do is live within his means for a while and suck it up for the sake of his family. imagine if it was the other way round "oh sorry its cold i got my hair done instead of buying oil."

sorry bit of a rant there but i have been affected by stupid husbanditis and im not paying the price HE is.

Asking him to get a second job? I'm with everyone else, YADBU on that one.

However, YADNBU to be upset about the golf fees. Less so the glasses, although the price of them is way too much for someone in his financial position. He could get decent frames for less than £100 if he wanted to.

his debt is his problem, tell him he has to pay half of all monthly household bills and what he does with the rest is up to him, if he cant manage his debts on what is left he needs to consolidate them or get some debt management

why should he be off playing golf while you are folking out 70% of household bills? time to put your foot down me thinks

YABU to expect him to get a second job but he should be focussing on pay back his debts

MrsMoosickle YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASIONABLE!!!! what an arse! Mind you my DH was similar over finances when my DD started school and had the nerve to suggest that "as the childminding fees had gone down maybe I should contribute a bit more as it would help him and his finances" I very swiftly pointed out that - even with reduced childcare fees,and adding up all the other things I paid for - I still contributed the same to household expenses as him! notwithstanding the fact that the debts he built up with wife #1, and CSA ---- were his problem for him to pay off!( as are any of my old - much smaller - debts) It was a conversation we had only once.
Over the last five years I have paid out(of almost totally my salary alone) about £50000 in childcare fees so no I don't think I'm being selfish!

how much debt did he have that it takes him 6 years of paying 70% of a 30k salary to pay off???

He should have filed for bankruptcy. Tell him to go to CAB for debt advice (dont go to any debt-management companies that charge you).

Paying CTF may sound responsible but it's lunacy when he's paying more in debt interest than he's making on savings.

Go to moneysavingexpert.com for some general budgeting advice.

Depending on his hours/commute now I dont think it is necessarily unreasonable for him to take up a 2nd job. Lots of people do it to clear debts. When I was a single mother I worked a p/t evening job on top of my 9-5 f/t one. As a Mum it sounds like you're doing the 'double shift'- why cant he?

What you haven't mentioned is how much you earn relatively. Quite frankly if you earn 100k then you should be paying for most of the household expenses.

I never quite get the 'my money' 'his money' thing in a serious relationship. You have clearly decided it's in the family's interests to pay off his debts (or you wouldn't have been subsidising him for 5 years). For me the remaining money after household expenses goes in a pot and gets divied up by agreement.

I understand that it's debts he ran up but it's been 5 years now and to me your post smacks of the idea he should be 'punished' for his earlier mistakes. He's your husband not your child.

I'm assuming here that you have some of your own money to spend (youve not commented ob whether you would pay 200 for glasses yourself). If he's spending money that is needed for the family or is he effectively has more spare cash than you you need to get it sorted as would anyone. I just don't think you should be thinking of them as 'his debts' after 5 years.

YANBU. He needs more money for his personal expenses. You can't have what you don't have the money to pay for and if you want it enough you get a second job or a better paying job to pay for it.

well, the golf bit is a bit crap, but the glasses, well he needs to be able to see doesn't he?

my dh has to spend £200 on his glasses. he has to have them reduced in thickness or else lose a significant amount of self esteem and mean he is limited to thick plastic frames. He pays a LOT to have them reduced, then needs anti-scratch (children) and anti reflective (driving) coatings. They are £40 a pop. And that is with average lenses. He cannot get them cheaper than that.

(my dh has to in fact spend over £200 on his glasses).

I think if he's stuck to your repayment plan for five years and indulged himself just this once out of rare overtime money then while it's not unreasonable that you're a bit pissed off, raging and wanting to murder him might be an overreaction!

'raging and about to murder him' sounds a bit OTT.

Someone who "indulges themselves just this once" to the tune of hundreds of pounHenie a single month when their family is going without to pay off their debts is a freeloader.

Reorganise finances so that he pays off his loans all by himself and contributes his fair share of the household expenses.

I would not want to be financially tied to someone who would spend that much money on themselves without discussing it, even without the added insult that everyone else us already scrimping to pay his debts.

I wear glasses, but I would never buy something that expensive (never mind golf fees ffs) without discussing with DH first,

MrsMoo, do you buy anything that's not strictly necessary? If ALL your money goes to the household with no expensive haircuts or shoes then yanbu. If, however, you spend some money on luxuries for yourself then yabu.

Your DH has stuck to his payment plan. Your total family income goes toward household things and debts. I don't feel that It's unreasonable for a little of your total household income to go to luxuries for each of you.

DP and I have been together for about 3 years. During that time he has consistently earned more or the same as me. He earns 23k and I have earned between 16 and 23k over this period. I have more debts than DP. My debts add up to about £200 a month, which is a fair chunk out of a take home wage of £1000. Because of this, over the time we have lived together, DP has consistently contributed more to the household budget. He has also personally paid for things like the solicitor fees for our new house and a holiday.

DP likes clothes shopping and will sometimes go out and spend £150 on clothing. I have stuck strictly to my budget during the past two years. It has been tough and demoralising. I have had to say no to lunches out and had to think carefully every time I'm in the supermarket. I've also had to cut back on driving at times. It hasn't been easy. I don't buy extras on q daily basis. However, both DP and I agree that it'd not unreasonable for me to, every six months or so, buy a pair of jeans or get a haircut. Without a little treat every so often all this tightness wouldn't be doable.

I think you should speak to your DP about this as it's obviously upset you and it's a good idea to let him know how you feel, but I wouldn't put him in the doghouse for the next month or anything. He has clearly done very well at paying back his debts, and probably (this blip aside) deserves for you to be praising him rather than moaning at him.

You think he's being honest with the loans.

Any bills (including his debts) are a joint responsibility so he should see all the bills and breakdown.

We work our finances by both putting money into a joint account for bills. We then each have a personal allowance, which is the same, to do with what the fuck we like. That way we both have the same disposable income.

Golf? He's having a laugh.

The problem I see here is that he was irresponsible with money before you met him and apparently big time, but this has not ended yet. It's just that now he is living out of you, and still taking the mickey.

I have no idea how you can solve it. With my ex, we agreed to put all the money in one account and pay a fix quantity to us a week to spend in personal stuff be the new gadget or a pair of jeans. It worked. (and reduced the amounts of times we were short of money at the end of the month because one the allowance was spent that was it until the following week).

But someway it seems that you have already done that?

Sorry Spidookly I hadn't seen the bit where the family were having to go without as a result of his splurge. I thought it was just a blip in the repayment plan. What does "golf" cost by the way, does anyone know?

The golf would only be unreasonable if you buy nothing that is not essential which I cant see tbh. Glasses can easily cost way more than £200 and are essential.

You had an agreement, he has stuck to that and is paying back all the money he borrowed like a responsible adult instead of trying to wangle out of it.

Once the debts are over you can rejig the finances to make it equal.

Adding a child to a household where expenses are already at maximum point was bound to cause frustration as children are expensive.

YABU to expect him to take a second job. If he did that you'd be on here saying IABU to expect him to spend some time with the family!

I think though you should sit down and plan out where you are financially together. For example, is £750 per year in Starbucks a reasonable figure or should that go towards either the household or the debt? If I was you I would be more interested in any spare money going towards the debt and clearing that off quicker.

I would also be looking at changing energy/phone suppliers etc if you haven't already done that - look at every item of non-essential expenditure, and put it into the demotivator tool to see how much you could save and how long it takes you/he to work for that money: www.moneysavingexpert.com/protect/demotivator/

Also check out the rest of the site to see how you can reduce what you spend.

He had spent £££s on himself without discussion.

That means that everyone else in the family goes without that £££.

Given that they would all be a lot better off in general without the massive burden of his debts, that is taking the piss.

That's not quite what is usually meant by the phrase "going without" though. I say that not to justify what he has done, just to put it in perspective.