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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit put out about DH's new friend

190 replies

Tananog · 09/10/2010 01:24

First off, she's female and a good deal younger than me. Not that I mind that per se; he's had female friends before that he's met at work. But he met this one in a chat room and, as she seems to have told him a lot about herself (she's going through a divorce) he says he's developed a 'strong bond' with her and she's become a special friend. He's meeting her for real next week. I believe him when he says there's nothing in it but friendship, so why am I disturbed by it? I'm being stupid aren't I?

OP posts:
TechLovingDad · 09/10/2010 01:31

If he says there's a strong bond and she's a special friend, I'm not surprised you are worried. That language doesn't sound completely innocent on his part, perhaps he is feeling more about it than she is though.

Does he get this close to friends usually?

chefswife · 09/10/2010 01:32

Emotional affairs are just as damaging as sexual ones. I know.

AgentZigzag · 09/10/2010 01:32

I'm a bit wary of online and RL boundaries getting blurred, but that's just me, a lot of people aren't bothered by it.

I would feel like you if my DH said he was meeting up with a woman he'd met online who he'd described as a 'special friend' and had 'strong bonds' with.

Is he quite open about it? What do you think the womans expectations of the meet are?

Original poster
Tananog · 09/10/2010 01:35

No not usually. He has 'friends' at work but never keeps up with them after he's changed jobs or they've moved on. It's very out of character. It's not a secret though; he keeps talking about her!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tananog · 09/10/2010 01:37

Sorry, last post was answering TechlovingDad's question.

AgentZigZag, I'm not sure what she expects. He requested the meet.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 09/10/2010 01:39

Have you ever had a nosey come across any of his chats with her?

Do you trust him?

And if not trust (I don't as a rule), do you think it's likely his eye could be turned?

(too many questions, sorry Grin)

Hedgeblunder · 09/10/2010 01:40

Tan- there's no way I'd let this happen. Why don't you say tat you're going with him??

Definitly agree about emotional affairs too, it's worth looking into

SolidGoldBrass · 09/10/2010 01:41

How does your H generally behave towards you, and how is he behaving towards you at the moment? And is your relationship officially supposed to be monogamous, or not?
Because, for most people in allegedly monogamous relationships, one partner saying 'I have got to know a young, attractive, wonderful person through chatrooms and I have asked this person to meet me' to the other partner would seem a bit, well, ever so slightly like a declaration of hostilities, really.

Though there is, of course, the possibility that the person who turns up to meet your H will be Dave the hairy-handed trucker...

Original poster
Tananog · 09/10/2010 01:42

Should I go with him?? He would probably not say no. I'm not sure whether I want to meet her.

OP posts:
TechLovingDad · 09/10/2010 01:42

Talking about her constantly probably seems to him that he's showing you it's innocent, but as she's obviously on his mind all the time I don't think it is innocent.

Original poster
Tananog · 09/10/2010 01:44

Grin I'd quite like her to be Dave the hairy-handed trucker! Unfortunately, she defintely isn't. he has a photo of her and they've exchanged phone numbers and I think he knows where she lives.

OP posts:
Hedgeblunder · 09/10/2010 01:44

I think you should follow him, that's exactly what I would do

Hedgeblunder · 09/10/2010 01:45

If it was innocent he wouldn't mind you meeting her

iliketosleep · 09/10/2010 01:47

I wouldn't even consider allowing my DH to do this! Imagine if someone asks "wheres DH?" "Oh he's just gone to meet a woman off the internet, but its ok because they have a strong bond" Hmm doesn't sound good really does it?

Never mind your DH what about her? He says she's going through a divorce, maybe she is after a rebound fling? Your DH might have the best of intentions but she might not.

Don't mean to be putting things in your head but something doesn't sit right with me here!

Original poster
Tananog · 09/10/2010 01:48

We're definitely monogomous, by the way. Our marriage is probably older than many of you Smile! We've always been each other's best friend. Maybe that's why I feel so surprised and hurt.

OP posts:
esti1 · 09/10/2010 01:50

you are not being stupid he is a prick to even consider underminding you in this manner

FFS give him a shake!!! this so wrong for him to even use these words with you about another female. i wouldnt toch him with a bargepol after he has met her with out a clap test!!!

Original poster
Tananog · 09/10/2010 01:51

I keep telling him that it doesn't feel right. And he says he can't really explain but doesn't want to upset me.

So, I think you all think I should go with him and meet her too?

OP posts:
iliketosleep · 09/10/2010 01:52

He doesn't want to upset you but is constantly banging on about her and is going to meet you even though this is hurting you? Have you told him how you feel?

ChippingIn · 09/10/2010 01:53

Over
My
Dead
Body

Hedgeblunder · 09/10/2010 01:53

Yes
and check this out, see what you think
emotionalaffairs

iliketosleep · 09/10/2010 01:53

Going to meet her

Glob · 09/10/2010 01:55

That is unusual language for him to use. If it was my OH it would raise a lot of questions.
I would say "bring her here, I'd love to meet her" then check out his body language thereafter.

CheerfulYank · 09/10/2010 01:56

What chippingin said, but times ten. I'm not a jealous person by nature, but there's no way I'd be about this at all.

Original poster
Tananog · 09/10/2010 01:58

I've told him that it makes me feel uncomfortable and that it doesn't feel right. But I feel I don't want to stop him having friends. That would seem unreasonable, as he insists it's just a friendship and nothing more. The thought that he might turn to her though instead of me when he wants to talk sonmething through is a bit strange to think about and makes me feel rather sad. I feel I've lost something precious.

OP posts:
esti1 · 09/10/2010 01:59

I wouldnt go meet her, why would you put your self in that undeserving situation and humilaition... but would prepare for the ultimate blow of... im... urm... we need to talk ....iv met someone...dont mean to be harsh but he is entering into this gently with you...dont wait for the blow take this by the balls and talk to him about it...get a good nights sleep tonight tho...he is an ultimate fucker!!! show him these threads if he says otherwise. xxx