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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit put out about DH's new friend

190 replies

Tananog · 09/10/2010 01:24

First off, she's female and a good deal younger than me. Not that I mind that per se; he's had female friends before that he's met at work. But he met this one in a chat room and, as she seems to have told him a lot about herself (she's going through a divorce) he says he's developed a 'strong bond' with her and she's become a special friend. He's meeting her for real next week. I believe him when he says there's nothing in it but friendship, so why am I disturbed by it? I'm being stupid aren't I?

OP posts:
Nuttybear · 09/10/2010 09:41

I think he is doing a double bluff. 'If I tell her she'll think its innocent.' I'm glad to say, after a huge row early in our relationship, that DH will not be doing this to me. We have a clear understanding that we are both allowed to be suspicious, that he would leave me if 'I delevoped a close bond' with another bloke. Male & female friends have to be family friends (whole family over for dinner)
My DH knows that I will never divorce him but make his life hell paint over the car comes to mind. Once that was established we have been very happy ever since Grin

noblegiraffe · 09/10/2010 09:45

I've got a male friend that I met on an internet forum. It was platonic, we liked arguing about the same things. When we first met up I said my husband was coming too (he wanted to) and he said he didn't think it would be otherwise as obviously my husband would want to check him out.

He came along the first few times then he got a bit bored because obviously we have stuff to talk about that excludes him so now he's happy for us to meet up on our own.

I think that's how it should go.

BubbaAndBump · 09/10/2010 09:47

I would do as someone else suggested and say I'd love to meet her too - (he already knows you're not happy with the whole thing?) so if this is true he'd be happy to meet her with you. You can always turn up later so give them a chance to meet without you (and if you so happen to sneak in and see them without their knowing you're there, then so be it!). You'll know by their faces and body language if you've 'intruded' or not. After that you can make a more informed decision about what conversations you need to have with him...

Good luck

clam · 09/10/2010 09:58

Look, everyone's relationship works differently but, for me, it's this. DH and I are best mates. With the exception of sport chat and Mumsnet where we look to others, why would he need (or want) to chase something with someone else? Why does he "need" to be close or special friends with a woman? Isn't that what you two have?

I agree with Nuttybear: male/female friends are family friends. We're a unit. If that sounds twee and dull to some, then fine. Wave your DHs off to meet other women with a light heart.

diddl · 09/10/2010 10:03

Why can´t he just continue the friendship online?

Is it because he´s seen a pic & fancies her or because she seems to need him?

miracled · 09/10/2010 10:09

Tananog you are a saint to even be having calm conversations with him about this, by now my DP would be walking very oddly indeed! I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stop myself contacting the other woman and threatening bodily harm asking what she thinks she's playing at, but thats just me Smile

clam · 09/10/2010 10:14

Also, some complete stranger (to you and let's be frank, to him) has barged into your marriage uninvited. Boot her out.

pigletmania · 09/10/2010 10:29

Yanbu in the slightest. Tell him that as this friend is so special you eould like to come along to, meet her. If he gets all cagey and huffy than say if there is nothing going on than you should be more than happy for me to meet her. Sounds a bit sus be very w
Wary

pigletmania · 09/10/2010 10:34

Tell him you are going end of. Talk to him more. You are his wife, you should be his best friend. Monitor it closely

pigletmania · 09/10/2010 10:36

If it's innocent he won't mind, if he does he obviously has something to hide

skidoodly · 09/10/2010 10:44

Don't meet her. Tell him he's being a knobhead and you are not OK with him going online to meet women.

Do not invite her to your home. You don't know who she is.

SheWillBeLoved · 09/10/2010 10:50

Go with him, but make it a very last minute decision so he has no time to let her know. Her reaction to seeing you there will tell you a lot more than his reaction to you wanting to go.

Also, if after you voicing your concerns about her, he is still insisting that he wants to go, then that is showing a massive disregard for your feelings as his wife. He has never met her, she is essentially a stranger no matter how much he 'knows', so if his wife is saying she isn't comfortable with it - he should be able to say 'Okay, then I won't go'... unless he feels more than friendship for her. No stranger is worth hurting your wife.

Mumi · 09/10/2010 10:53

What kind of chat room was it? (I'm not trying to suggest that that he may be frequenting a certain kind with intent).

If he's in need of friend, he might meet people with similar interests at clubs for those activities - even if it is in an internet chat room.

This, however... well, what would you say if all of a sudden he'd "developed a 'strong bond'" and "become a special friend" with someone he'd met randomly on the street? because this doesn't sound much different to me.

smellmycheese · 09/10/2010 10:54

I would NOT put up with this, and as a rule I'm not jealous or possesive at all.

I think it's really important for a couple to have close friends that are not their partner. I have close friends that are male and female that i can discuss anything with, as does DP, so I don't really buy into the 'DP is my best friend, why would I need anyone else' argument.

BUT... All of my close friends are a big part of DP's life, and vice versa. Going online and meeting members of the opposite sex is a very solitary and private passtime, and it has social connotations, whether you like it or not. I think it would be VERY unlikely that two people would meet online, become very close and arrange to meet, without at least one of them expecting more.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/10/2010 11:02

It's not unreasonable to have close friends other than one's partner (people who don't have any close friends outside their marriage are lousy company for anyone else anyway). If he had met this woman through a shared hobby/obsession (manga films, chess, karate, whatever) that the OP has no interest in, it would not be unreasonable for him to want to see the woman and talk about the shared hobby.
But what seems so odd is that the H seems to be oblivious to the fact that the OP is not happy about this and is basically telling her that her feelings don't matter, that this unknown woman matters more than his longstanding DW. That's amazingly selfish and unkind.

clam · 09/10/2010 11:14

Not sure this is worth saying, but DH and I do have plenty of friends of our own! We're not some saddo Howard and Hilda types in matching jumpers. But I suppose the difference is that his two closest female friends have known him for over 25 years and are more like sisters to him. I know them too - one is my best friend.
I think it's the feeling of being excluded from something "special" in this guy's life that marks this out as being different.

PosieParker · 09/10/2010 11:26

He either stops this now or be prepared for him to fuck off.

pigletmania · 09/10/2010 11:39

No of course dh and I have other close friends male and female we both know that we talk to. This "special friend" business" and close bond nonsense from seone he never met before, and not wanting you to come along is very sus. If it's innocent he would be open to the opeeting her

SpookyKalooki · 09/10/2010 11:49

I'd want to meet her if I were you, partly to see how they act together, partly to make sure she'd know of your existence.

SamJones · 09/10/2010 12:10

If she is such a special person - then he should be very happy for you both to be friends surely? It's a great thing in life for your partner to like your friends.

If he isn't comfortable with that principle then I would be kicking off big style. I used to be very tolerant about these things - and got badly burned.

Special friends are fantastic. Secret/private special friends are not.

I'm not at all surprised you are uncomfortable with this and your OH seems to have lost perspective on the whole situation. He needs to appreciate the hurt he is causing you. You may have to be blunt in explaining it.

One possible upside to this is that people you meet off the internet - especially if you have been communicating a while, are rarely what you have imagined them to be in your head.
But I wouldn't be relying on that. The bigger principle is that he is endangering his relationship with you over this, and doesn't see that that is a problem.

RedHeels · 09/10/2010 12:20

Hmmm.... I would freak out much more for a lot less... You're his wife and you're his special friend. You might want to keep your dignity and behave the best way possible but remember that he has already decided that he doesn't have to be respectful to you as he wants to go ahead with something that upsets you. So asks yourself whether you prefer to be dignified and going through a divorce and be less dignified and show him and tell her that it's not.

RedHeels · 09/10/2010 12:40

I meant: '(...) that it's not on'.

ledkr · 09/10/2010 12:50

God no wonder the divorce rate continues to climb!Internet has bought a new batch of dilemmas but it just doesnt seem right at all. How would he react if you said you were off to meet a bloke you met on the net and had a special connection with?And where do you draw the line.

booyhoo · 09/10/2010 12:54

it may have already been said (haven't read all teh way through)

but it seems to me like he has approache dthis as a p;atonic relationship but tehfact that he says he has a strong bond withher implies taht he is putting alot of emotion into a relationship that isn't with you.

why is he forming such strong bonds with someone who isn't his wife? surely if he has lots of emotiosn to discuss he should be talking with you and forming that connection with you rather than looking elsewhere. i agree i wouldn't be happy about this but not because i think he is intending to cheat but the fact he is making you redundant as a person to share his emotions with.

SugarMousePink · 09/10/2010 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.