to be a bit put out about DH's new friend

[Tananog]

First off, she's female and a good deal younger than me. Not that I mind that per se; he's had female friends before that he's met at work. But he met this one in a chat room and, as she seems to have told him a lot about herself (she's going through a divorce) he says he's developed a 'strong bond' with her and she's become a special friend. He's meeting her for real next week. I believe him when he says there's nothing in it but friendship, so why am I disturbed by it? I'm being stupid aren't I?

I seem to have turned DH into Public Enemy Number One because of all this! For the record, he is a nice person. He's screwed things up a bit this time but we're talking through it now and I think it's going to be OK, I really do.

We've been married for over 30 years and maybe, as someone said, we have become so much a part of each other that he took it for granted that I'd be OK about this friend because he was OK about it! He knows better now, as I've made my feelings clear.

I showed him this thread,just to let him see how his friendship with this woman comes across to other people and how my reaction was not unusual. He was surprised by the strength of people's reactions and accepts that he was very naiive to get so involved - and to think that I wouldn't mind!

I just want things to get back to normal now. It's been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster weekend.

Good luck Tananog. By the sound of it things will be OK. Some people do have a kind of rescuer complex which means they find themselves in this sort of situation when they have no sexual intent towards the person they are wanting to 'help' but they get caught up in the thrill of being needed.

DH got very involved? wound up? about a female colleague who used him as a confidant/shoulder to cry on/chaperone when she was going through a difficult period relationships-wise, years ago. There were a lot of late nights out where he was there with her and her unofficial new bloke as a kind of buffer zone/to lend the impression to other colleagues they weren't developing a relationship.
He got quite obsessed with it. It was as if he felt responsible for her. In the end I had to remind him it was all, in the end, her life not his, she was a very capable grown up and he needed to just sit back and let her get on with things, without stressing himself out about it - just be supportive if needed. It did all sort itself out, and Dh and the colleague went back to being ordinary good friends.
He got drawn into the emotional fall out of the colleague's relationship issues - i wondered at the time if it was because it was such an unfamilar situation to him - he would only have such conversations himself with very very close friends.
And yes, there were the times when it got difficult for me to cope with - especially picking him up drunk after some of the nights out at 3 am. Not at all like him. So I hope you can talk throught things with your DH successfully, and that he will understand how you feel and vv.

I really do wish you the best but IMHO you are both behaving like fools.
My ex became a shoulder to cry on to a girl I was very suspicious of, I wasn't worried about any of his other female friends but this one I wasn't sure about.
Lo and behold I walked in on them kissing at a party.

alicet, I understand. But I still think it is sometimes better to nicely explain the situation, and then say good-bye. If she really cares about his well being, she won't want to cause any disruption in his marriage, iyswim?
OP, sounds like your dh & yourself will survive this! I am glad.

I'm really pleased that you have shown him this thread. Hopefully, its been exactly what he needed to realise that his behaviour in prolonging and encouraging this friendship was unacceptable.

I don't think that you've turned him into "Public Enemy Number One", it is his upsetting actions towards you, and his taking for granted your loyalty and understanding that have done that. You have only asked for opinions, which is a good thing to do in a situation that you are not sure about.

He needs to think this all through carefuly, and realise his mistakes - and seeing this thread can't really leave him in any doubt that he has been a bit of a twat!

Hope you get it all sorted.

My husband got himself in a "silly" situation.

He became friends with someone at a language class.

They only ever met at the class & would sometimes have coffee together in the break.

Then she started saving a seat for him.

Then leaving notes on his car.

Then phoning at work.

Then phoning here.

Then pretending she was pregnant by him.

Then threatening suicide....

She was sectioned......

diddl

OP, it is sounding better, but you still haven't said (do you know ?) whether he is going to meet her

I also don't know where anyone said he should just immediately drop this woman completely...most of the outrage was about the fact he was idiotically planning to meet her in RL

I certainly didn't say it wouldn't be appropriate for him to chat some time longer, being very explicit about his married, unavailable status (which I bet has been downplayed somewhat before now...)

And then, to find a level of a more shallow "friendship", without the elevation to "soulmate" status, that the OP does not feel uncomfortable with

Alarm bells are ringing very loudly here!

Sounds very odd to me I'm afraid, though here's a couple of slightly nicer suggestions:

1 - Your obviously have a long and, seemingly, happy marriage. Maybe he thinks that because of this his behaviour is OK, as you are both secure in your relationship and have established trust between you.

2 - Is she having problems? Is he the kind of person that always likes to help people in a difficult time? This doesn't make his behaviour acceptable (IMO) but possibly does explain it?

Either way, I do think you need to intervene here but there are maybe a few ways you can do this in a non-accusatory way:

Firstly, there are myriad examples all over the web of where bad things have happened where a real person is very different from their online persona. Is he being exploited? Suggest this to him.

Secondly, tell him that you're jealous! You don't need to accuse him of trying to have an affair etc. but simply let him know that you are jealous because you love him and don't want to share him with another woman on a deep, emotional level (no need to mention the physical).

Have you asked him if you can read some of their conversations? If he doesn't allow this, then I really would try and put a stop to it.

Good luck.

Sorry - should have read the whole thread. Either way, good luck.

One last observation, I do think that his saying to you that you could attend the meeting if you wanted to was a little unfair. He effectively put the ball in your court when the situation is of his making. I would ask to attend. Would be interesting to see if she shows.

Having said that, it sounds like you have a good, longstanding relationship and in a way it is a bit depressing that so many of us have automatically jumped to the most negative conclusion. At the end of the day, you know your DH better than anyone here and you know what you're doing.

Can see why its been an emotional rollercoaster - maybe use it as an excuse to do something special together?

All the best.

I also don't think your DH has been cast as 'Public Enemy Number One'.

Lots of posters have said he's been an idiot, but they're just talking about this one incident in your OP.

I can understand it must be difficult to see people saying negative things about your DH when in reality this is just 0.0001% of your 30 years of marriage and of him as a person, and I'm sure he's just a normal nice bloke.

I really hope he manages to sort it out without giving you any more roller coaster rides

Your husband doth protest too much,me thinks...

It can be very, very easy (especially after 30 years of marriage ) to become totally complacent and smug about your relationship and also hard to think that anyone else would find your DH attractive ...... please, be very, very wary of this situation.

I'm not saying your dh is a bad man, but good men do stupid stuff sometimes too. There are plenty of examples on this board of men who wont have dreamed of cheating then find that they have.

OP the best we could hope for is to help you get dh to unerstand you are not crazy for feeling this way. Showing him this thread was they best thing you could do.