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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit put out about DH's new friend

190 replies

Tananog · 09/10/2010 01:24

First off, she's female and a good deal younger than me. Not that I mind that per se; he's had female friends before that he's met at work. But he met this one in a chat room and, as she seems to have told him a lot about herself (she's going through a divorce) he says he's developed a 'strong bond' with her and she's become a special friend. He's meeting her for real next week. I believe him when he says there's nothing in it but friendship, so why am I disturbed by it? I'm being stupid aren't I?

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 10/10/2010 01:35

hairy palms??..

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 01:39

I know, I was sold

it was the Smarties that did it

oh, and the fact she was funny and friendly Smile

Mumcentreplus · 10/10/2010 01:47

She sounds lovely but hairy..we do disagree about peeing in bushes but we kinda made up Smile

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 01:49

oh yes, she is a feisty bugger (pot, kettle etc)

but lovely Grin

Mumcentreplus · 10/10/2010 01:52
Grin
duchesse · 10/10/2010 03:49

Doesn't hairy hands actually make her a hobbit?

cornflakequeenie · 10/10/2010 06:42

YANBU - I would tell him that you don't want him to meet her, or that you insist that you go along. Does he not realise that he's hurting you by doing this?

I would be very, very uncomfortable with this whole situation.

ScaryFucker:OP even your title is wishy-washy

"a bit put out"

grow some balls, OP

Why? Because she hasn't worded it the way you like? Steaming in like a bull in a china shop doesn't work for everyone you know.

Heracles · 10/10/2010 08:11

What a fantastic level of trust being displayed on here.

kitbit · 10/10/2010 08:37

If it's above board he won't mind you coming along. Agree with the poster who said that even if he's seeing it only as a friendship, she's vulnerable and going through a divorce and that's not the kind of situation to start a new platonic friendship in.
Insist that you accompany him if he's hell bent on meeting her. ANd if he refuses make a fuss. you're his wife and best friend, he should respect your feelings.

WelcometotheJungle · 10/10/2010 08:49

How old is DH?

hmm42 · 10/10/2010 09:09

Think I must be old fashioned but I wouldn't be happy with this at all. Once in relationship, especially once DC came along, friendships have to take a bit of a back seat. We see friends but either as a family, or just occasionally when we get the chance. Think it very odd for dh to be pursuing a female "special friend". He ought to have one special friend - you. Saw another thread recently about someone's DP texting a female work colleague several times a day. This sort of behaviour is just odd and not appropriate. But that's only my view.

Heracles · 10/10/2010 09:21

"He ought to have one special friend - you."

Why?

pigletmania · 10/10/2010 10:03

Hercules because that's the way it should be. Your dp dh should be your special friend with a special bond not some random female who he never met . Or what's the point of a relationship who he is being cagey about. Tell me would you trust your partner who told you he met a female friend on the net who is a special friend with a special bond? Who he talks about a lot?

Besom · 10/10/2010 10:17

I'm someone who's dh has a close female friend. She also happens to look like a model and over the years I've had various people pass sly comments about it. Their friendship does not bother me in the slightest and I'm certain of the platonic nature of it.

However, what you are describing is different and if dh was suggesting meeting someone like this I would be very upset and probably give him an ultimatum about it.

I hope you're OK Tananog - are you still reading?

RunawayWife · 10/10/2010 10:22

He is more interested then just a friend, I would put a stop to it here and now, I would bet my last pound he will sleep with her, sorry

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 10:49

cornflake, IMHO, some people do need to grow more balls to cope with situations where their partner is making a fool out of them

Nellykats · 10/10/2010 11:27

I think that to consider somebody you have only encountered online as you new best friend is adolescent, and more of an infatuation rather than a "simple" friendship.

There's a funny thing that happens when you meet online, we get very strong feelings (either loving or hating) that we wouldn't in RL, and it somehow brings the romantic element out. Not just in an erotic way, reminds me a bit of the threads "I love this mumsnetter soooo much", which you probably wouldn't engage with in RL.

There's a 13 year old in all of us that wants to feel special and beloved and that the stranger whose words we're reading is the soul mate (hate this expression) we've somehow missed.

I would insist on coming along, surely she should know he's with you, and none of them should mind.

smellmycheese · 10/10/2010 11:43

'Once in relationship, especially once DC came along, friendships have to take a bit of a back seat.'

That is so wrong! Why on earth would having a partner and children mean that you can't have close friends. I'll tell you something...I have known some of my best friends for a lot longer than I've known DP, and love them just as much (in a different way obviously!)
I'm more than happy in my relationship, but if - god forbid- DP upped and left me, it's those friends that would be there for me at 3 am with love and advice!

Sorry, i know thats aside from the OP!

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 11:57

yes, smc, it's so aside from the OP as to be completely irrelevant to this particular scanario

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 11:58

*scenario, even

smellmycheese · 10/10/2010 12:13

well...yes Grin, but as that sentence was being used to back up an argument that was related, I just wanted to point out that I didn't agree.
I think its important for OP to see that even people like me, who are pro 'special friends outside marriage' think this scenario is unacceptable.

OP Hope you're OK :-)

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 10/10/2010 12:28

Tannaog

Have skimmed the thread so sorry if this has been said before.

My dsis experienced something similar in her marriage.

Her (now ex)DH (computer geek) met a girl in chatroom, she was coming out of a relationship with a twat. He talked to her all of the time, going to bed late as he was online talking to her. My sister had it out with him on more than one occasion how he was making her feel and not giving enough to the marriage, too tired from being up all night, all brushed under the carpet, it's nothing serious blah blah blah.

Scroll forward a few months he's now at my parents with my sis and their young family, he's still talking to the trollop due to move house from one end of the country to the other, but instead he finishs with my sis by email, saying now one else involved! Unfortunately for him he failed to delete his brosing history we now have copies of chats where he told her how much he loved her and ones where she encouraged him to leave dsis (all on my parents computer Hmm!

Sscroll forward a few more months he's left his home town to move in with her and her dd.
(although thankfully he's now been booted out! (yes I am a biased big sis).

I don't know whether any of her story rings true for you but I personally would be VERY VERY cautious. The emtional involvement of talking to someone else all the time sharing hopes and dreams, and the maons form bad days etc are what I consider to be a part of marriage.

If he's talking about her all the time I would be very worried, and I think I would be asking about the state of my marriage...

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 12:38

smc, I totally agree with you, btw Smile

GeorgetteHeyer · 10/10/2010 12:54

Does he think by telling you about it that it makes it ok? Alarm bells definitely ringing.

I would want to know why he was in that chatroom in the first place, why he thinks this is in anyway acceptable...and no, she would not be welcome in my home.

The photo thing increases the volume of the alarm for me.

Why is he not having these deep and meaningful conversations with you?

And even if he's not on the prowl, she definitely is.

Have you seen any of their conversations?

I'd be very, very wary.

clam · 10/10/2010 13:01

"What a fantastic level of trust being displayed on here."

That'll be because some of us spend time on the relationships board, where there are dozens and dozens of threads from women who trusted their DH/DPs and..."oh, look he's been shagging someone else after all!"

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