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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit put out about DH's new friend

190 replies

Tananog · 09/10/2010 01:24

First off, she's female and a good deal younger than me. Not that I mind that per se; he's had female friends before that he's met at work. But he met this one in a chat room and, as she seems to have told him a lot about herself (she's going through a divorce) he says he's developed a 'strong bond' with her and she's become a special friend. He's meeting her for real next week. I believe him when he says there's nothing in it but friendship, so why am I disturbed by it? I'm being stupid aren't I?

OP posts:
diddl · 09/10/2010 13:00

You are not being stupid, OP & I´d be really pissed off at someone for putting their desire to meet a stranger above my feelings about it.

Nuttybear · 09/10/2010 13:13

Tananog What are you going to do now? When is the planned meet up? How has DH defended himself?
I need to know (or I should go and do some work)

kerstina · 09/10/2010 13:21

Sorry i have not read all the thread but just want to say how would he feel if you did this with a stranger off the internet ? I presume he has told her he is married either way she is stupid to try and find friendship with a married man. Don't put up with this OP.

clam · 09/10/2010 13:38

"But I feel I don't want to stop him having friends."

You're not stopping him having any friends. Just this one, which appears to be overstepping a line for you. Which is fair enough. It seems that most of us agree we would not be happy about it either.

Never underestimate your gut feeling.

SugarMousePink · 09/10/2010 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaryteacher · 09/10/2010 15:42

'Meeting people in chatrooms is a bit weird unless you're a teenager or single'...not quite fair - I had a curry with 3 other MNers last night, and we're all married, and well over our teens.

That aside; this would be ringing large clanging bells for me, and I would insist on going with him so that she can see you are a unit. I would also be making quiet enquiries about how you stand financially. My mum was sandbagged like this (but by someone who had been a family friend) after 27 years of marriage, and I'm still not convinced she got the best deal she could have done.

esti1 · 09/10/2010 15:58

does this girl know he is married? Anyaw just to pt a different spin on it here. I have met a past very close at the time friend who is male from when i was in my 20's

i am single parent, he is married with 2 children and he has recently moved back to area and has contacted me to go outb a few times. i invited him and his wife round for drinks but only he turned up??? there was nothing in his behaviour that worried me but i felt completely uncomfetable sharing a bottle of wine with someone elses husband on my sofa whilst my child was in bed.

i have invited him and his family round several times but he never has but periodicaly will contact me to go out for a drink....no way will i go out with him alone.

ScaryFucker · 09/10/2010 16:09

oh, fgs

OP, why are you being made to feel guilty about "stopping him having any friends" ?

Are you trying to be a "cool" wife ?

I suggest you find your inner "uncool" and give your husband an ultimatum. His "strong bond" with another woman, that he is openly planning to "strengthen" in RL...

Or his marriage

I am sure that not many people will agree with ultimatums, but if you have repeatedly told him this makes you uncomfortable, he is not listening to reason

If i dredge my mind for an altruistic reason for him meeting this clearly vulnerable woman, I might just come up with the idea that he seems himself as her "rescuer"

A situation like this is an absolute minefield, and at best he is being spectacularly naive and appears willing to bulldoze his way ahead regardless of your feelings.

How strongly have you worded your concerns, btw ? A quiet little "I am not sure I am comfortable with this" is not strong enough. You should be ridiculing his cliched midlife crisis, tbh. What a weak and deluded man.

If you think giving him am ultimatum will send him off to her anyway, you have your answer, don't you ?

ledkr · 09/10/2010 16:11

i had a best friend (male) for years and we did everything together. He never came onto me and seemed ok if i dated and he did too. However at around the time i met dh he drunkemly declared his love for me which i kindly rejected. Things were never the same again even though we talked it through.We make attempts to meet up to watch football or go out and he attended my birthday party but its just not the same.It did make me question platonic relationships a litte i must admit.

ScaryFucker · 09/10/2010 16:13

even your title is wishy-washy

"a bit put out"

grow some balls, OP

PhishFoodAddiction · 09/10/2010 16:19

Alarm bells would be clanging for me over this.

YA very definitely not BU; he is being a prick. He is putting this OW before you and your feelings.

His wording is worrying, and the fact that he talks about her so much suggests that he is thinking about her constantly- sorry if that's harsh but it's what I would think. Is he secretive on the laptop? Does he spend ages on there chatting to her? I'd have to go and check up on it I'm afraid

I'd probably be dishing out an ultimatum- it's me, your wife of X years, or your 'special friend'. Are you afraid he might choose her?

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 16:19

I agree with SF big hairy ones!!!..FFS..would he be happy with you having a male friend who is your 'special friend' you have 'developed a bond with'..and you dont care about his feelings??..he would go ballistic and you now it...the woman needs to fuck off...or if they are meeting why cant he take you?.. disturbed is a friggin understatement!!

BubbaAndBump · 09/10/2010 17:49

Is she single?

I re-told this thread to my DH who, uncynically, said it was weird for the man to be seeking a close bond with a person of the opposite sex out of the blue. (I do think it might be different if he'd met her through a new job or some such where meeting new people was necessary to get on).

OP we're dying to know how this develops for you...

ledkr · 09/10/2010 18:15

bubba my dh wasnt so kind he said "bollocks" in a loud voice.
scary fuckercant you go round and sort him out.

ledkr · 09/10/2010 18:18

oh yeah and scary i didnt read your other post about cool wives. I have just put my foot down about a stag do dh was invited to and have really hated feeling like an "un cool wife" not for long tho :o

thesecondcoming · 09/10/2010 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

musicmadness · 09/10/2010 19:27

YANBU - ask to go with him. It doesn't sound right for him to have met her in a chat room. If it was through work or whatever then I would think YWBU, but meeting someone of the internet that you have made "special friends" with is very dodgy IMO.

I must admit I would not be happy if any partner of mine tried to stop me seeing friends of the opposite sex or insisted they were "family friends". I was in a relationship like that before and ended up leaving him due to the constant paranoia and arguments. I wouldn't like to have someone thinking that they had the right to check out all my friends. I also wouldn't get close to someone in a fricking chat room then try to arrange to meet up either though! At least not without making sure my partner was OK with it and making sure they could come along as well.

goplayout · 09/10/2010 19:39

I agree totally with musicmadness..

DandyLioness · 09/10/2010 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chefswife · 09/10/2010 20:22

Dandy I agree about the photo.

mylittlemonkey · 09/10/2010 20:52

Everyone's marriage is different with different standards and boundries. What some find completely acceptable, others would be appalled at. OP, only you know your marriage and your DH. Whilst i definately think you should take into consideration all the great advice given here and obviously why you have posted the thread, you should not be swayed into doing something you dont feel very comfortable about doing just because that appears to be the popular opinion.

I dont think there is anything wrong with your DH making a female friend and he may be the type of person who has felt very sorry for girl as she is going through a rough time at the moment and unless you have reason not to, he should be given the benifit of the doubt that there are no untoward intentions on his part. I also understand your need to want to trust your husband and not act like a jealous wife saying he is not allowed to make friends.

Saying that though, the fact is that you clearly feel uncomfortable with this situation and if you feel like this now - how do you think you will feel when your DH is out with her and if they do strike up a good friendship and start seeing each other regularly??

Rather than ask to come with your DH to meet this woman i am wondering whether you should ask your DH to invite this woman round to your house for dinner then she can see him in his home with you and you can see her and it is more in your comfort zone. If she object to this then maybe you need to question her motives.

Good luck - let us know what you decide to do.

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 01:13

I arranged to meet thesecondcoming without knowing what she looked like...

Grin
FunkyCherry · 10/10/2010 01:20

I chat to men online and have met a couple. DH tends to be more concerned about my safety tbh, so he likes to know where I am and to call him when I get there and before I leave. I wouldn'y go if he felt uncomfortable though. My marriage is worth more to me than my curious, outgoing streak.
Thing is, I've always been more of a 'mans woman' iykwim, so he doesn't get freaked by it. In your case OP, its seems out of character and thats what sounds alarm bells.
Does he let you read over his shoulder while he's chatting to her?
Would he let you chat to her online?
Could they meet at your place? You could watch a DVD in another room so they could still speak freely.
If you have to put your foot down to avoid getting hurt, then that's what you should do. He'll probably respect you more for it.
Good luck and let us know what happens.

Mumcentreplus · 10/10/2010 01:26

SF ..so did she meet your expectations Grin

ScaryFucker · 10/10/2010 01:29

weellllll, mcp

she was kinda hairy....on the palms

but she had sweeties, so that was ok, and a verrrrry cute ikkle kid Grin