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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit put out about DH's new friend

190 replies

Tananog · 09/10/2010 01:24

First off, she's female and a good deal younger than me. Not that I mind that per se; he's had female friends before that he's met at work. But he met this one in a chat room and, as she seems to have told him a lot about herself (she's going through a divorce) he says he's developed a 'strong bond' with her and she's become a special friend. He's meeting her for real next week. I believe him when he says there's nothing in it but friendship, so why am I disturbed by it? I'm being stupid aren't I?

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 09/10/2010 01:59

He doesn't know it's a friendship if he's never met her in person, honey. I say absolutely not.

Hedgeblunder · 09/10/2010 02:02

You're not stopping him having friends, you're questioning inappropriate behaviour.
This is massively inappropriate, if he agrees to you going along then I'd relax a tiny bit, but even so
, how would he feel if you were doing this with another man??
Can you check his text messages?

Original poster
Tananog · 09/10/2010 02:10

Thanks everyone for listening and for being there. I just needed to know that it wasn't just me being silly. I have a think about hat to do tomorrow when I've got a clear head. Thanks again. I'm going to have to get some sleep now!

OP posts:
Hedgeblunder · 09/10/2010 02:12

Good good, hope it all works out ok for you x

BitOfFun · 09/10/2010 02:24

I would say that in your situation, he should have invited her to meet you both. But the fact that he can't see this is inappropriate is odd in the extreme. It's almost like he wants your permission to drift into an affair.

Saro · 09/10/2010 05:42

It might certainly be innocent, but it will not remain innocent much longer, if you allow him to meet up with her alone.
Tell him, to invite her out and both of you meet up with her, and insist you decide if the friendship can continue after the meet.
Ask him how he would feel if you say you were meeting up with a man you had a strong bond with you met online, and were going to meet up with him alone.

proudnglad · 09/10/2010 07:53

Abso-fucking-lutely no way.

I cannot tell you how many of my friends in RL have gone through the whole dh-has-got-a-new-female-friend-but-I-trust-him-totally-I-don't-want-to-be-a-nagging-possessive-hag-nothing-could-be-going-on-could-it?-what?-oh-he's-left-me-for-new-friend scenario.

Tippychoocks · 09/10/2010 08:00

wow proud, that's commitment to hypens Grin

OP, I wouldn't be happy with this at all. And if he's already saying that the bond is strong enough to exert a greater pull than the worry of hurting you, it's likely he will be able to explain a lot away under the same umberella. If he can't help himself meeting her, will he be able to stop the next step?

I wouldn't be happy unless you were invited or it was a family thing.

DinahRod · 09/10/2010 08:02

He's lying to you and himself.

If you said "Great, invite her here to lunch" bet he wouldn't agree. If he insists on meeting her, he is already is engaging in selfish affair behaviour/his loyalties are not exclusively to you.

I would want to see the nature of their online conversations.

HSMM · 09/10/2010 08:09

My DH had a female friend for years, that we had both met initially at work. She was lovely and he met her for occasional lunches, but when he suggested taking her to a Christmas party that I couldn't attend, I'm afraid I said "No" and (despite the fact that he thought I'd lost the plot) he didn't go. Their friendship is still going on, but he hardly ever meets her now. I think he realised that day that I saw her as a potential threat and respected my feelings. Your DH should do the same.

duchesse · 09/10/2010 08:11

I would be very very dubious about this. As others have said, her intentions and his may not be the same at all. Or he may be lying to himself about his intentions. Either way, it is a bit of a pandora's box imo.

You could try the big gun emotional blackmail approach: "fine, go to meet her, but don't expect to find me here when you get back". It might pull him up short and make him consider what he is risking. And also make him completely aware in a very tangible that you are very uncomfortable with him doing this. Then, while he's out (he will almost certainly go whatever you say imo), you could do a Shirley Valentine to a sunny European beauty spot for a week.

proudnglad · 09/10/2010 08:20

Tippychocks - it was very hard work and a feat that I shall not be repeating. Many thanks for your acknowledgment.

This may be going off topic - well it is, but it is related.

A very good friend of mine's husband left her a year ago. She was devastated. It was completely out of the blue. She asked him if there was anyone else - immediately thought of his new 'just a friend' attractive colleague and his 5am nights out. He denied it for months while she crumbled, thinking it was all her fault he had left. She accepted his denial because he was one of life's 'good guys'.

Guess what? As soon as they sorted finances out, AND HE GOT HER V EXPENSIVE ENGAGEMENT RING BACK, he announces his 'brand new' relationship with said woman. It had, of course, been going on for 18 months.

ScaredOfCows · 09/10/2010 08:35

No way I'd be happy about that. Not sure he is necessarily aware of the path this could lead down, it sounds as though his blinkers are firmly in place. I'm not sure how you can deal with this either, you don't want to risk it becoming more secretive, but on the other hand he needs a mahoosive great big reality check.

Does he perhaps see himself as a rescuer? Would it appeal to him that she is going through a tough time (allegedly) and leaning on him for support? You say that you've been married for a long time so perhaps he sees your relationship almost as 'part of the furniture' whereas this is exciting and ego stroking?

Good luck for next week, I hope he comes to his senses before meeting her.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/10/2010 08:42

Now I am the last person to suggest policing a partner's behaviour WRT who they are 'allowed' to spend time with, but I do think that your H is being massively insensitive here. The only possible innocent explanation that comes to mind (and only because you mention that you are an older couple and have been married for some time) is that his feelings towards this young woman are fatherly. DO you have any DDs, and if so, is his relationship with them good?

Mowgli1970 · 09/10/2010 08:44

She's not a friend. She's emotionally vulnerable and meeting a married man she's met online. This screams "AFFAIR" somewhere down the line, on her part if not his.

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/10/2010 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GeekOfTheWeek · 09/10/2010 08:51

Yanbu

will show my arse on town hall steps if this is all innocent.

Callisto · 09/10/2010 09:00

I'd be questioning the whole scenario tbh. Meeting people in chatrooms is a bit weird unless you're a teenager or single.

If my DH was acting like yours I would be hugely pissed off. It is absolutely unacceptable behaviour on so many levels.

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 09/10/2010 09:01

Out of interest do you know chat room they meet on? Do you have access to his account?

diddl · 09/10/2010 09:14

"I'd be questioning the whole scenario tbh. Meeting people in chatrooms is a bit weird unless you're a teenager or single."

I agree with that!

Why on earth is he trawling the internet for a woman?

ApricotWorms · 09/10/2010 09:22

At best he's being insensitive and a bit stupid. Tell him you're concerned for his safety (she could be an Internet pervert :)) and that you should accompany him to make sure he comes home in one piece.

clam · 09/10/2010 09:31

YANBU at all. I wouldn't be contemplating going along too, but telling asking him not to go in the first place. Your feelings, even if he thinks they're irrational, are (or should be) more important than some random woman on the internet.

Strong bond??!! My a**e. That would piss me off big time. Massively inappropriate.

HelenRosie · 09/10/2010 09:32

Sorry what's all this use of the word 'allowing' as if it's her fault if he has an affair because she allowed him to meet her.

If a man is going to meet a woman and potentially have an affair, he'll do it with or without his wife's knowledge. It's no use blaming the wife for allowing him to meet her.

clam · 09/10/2010 09:37

Who's using "allowing" and suggesting it would be the OP's fault?

DinahRod · 09/10/2010 09:39

If he's all for on-line chatting, direct him here.