to be a bit put out about DH's new friend

[Tananog]

First off, she's female and a good deal younger than me. Not that I mind that per se; he's had female friends before that he's met at work. But he met this one in a chat room and, as she seems to have told him a lot about herself (she's going through a divorce) he says he's developed a 'strong bond' with her and she's become a special friend. He's meeting her for real next week. I believe him when he says there's nothing in it but friendship, so why am I disturbed by it? I'm being stupid aren't I?

you have not been irrational

will you stop blaming yourself

he actually hasn't done anything at all has he, to reassure you

just some cheap words...and still putting the onus on you to tell him he has to finish it properly

you still don't even know if he is meeting her

I am sorry love, but I wash my hands of you

< stomps off >

You are NOT being irrational about this. If it was me I would expect him to be horrified at the hurt his behaviour had caused you and stop all contact with her immediately. Stuff "letting her down gently", he has hurt you, his wife of many years, by comparison he should not give a shit what this other woman thinks.

Op I have just read this whole thread and can honestly say, from your last post, he has just done a number on you.

From your very last sentance, look back at it. After all that talking and soul searching, you still don't know if he is going to see her.

My father is a wonderful man, married to mum 50 years, most happy.But about thirty odd years ago he got involved in a 'fatherly' capacity with an employee who had marital problems. Mum was like you, a little unsure but not keen to put her foot down as he was always loyal. But thankful my mum's sister followed him and he was not golfing as he said, he was meeting the woman in a layby.

Nothing happened, but probably because he was busted. He maintains he was being a shoulder to lean on, but he was fooling no one.

I honestly implore you to dig deep here. There is no point in being a cool wife to a cheating husband. There are no kudoos in it. He knew you were uncomfortable before this big chat, he must have.

The fact he is making you decide whether he goes or not is deeply unfair. Unfair and suspicious and manipulative. It means you are the baddie, the jealous wife if you put your foot down. And he could still go and lie.

He has no obligation to her. So he does not need to "let her down gently." She is not his (or your) problem.

he needs to stop the friendship (if that's the right word to use for someone typing on the internet) now. Completely. Because, to me, this talk you have had would have made me feel even worse.

...

So nothing has changed, then?

He won't stop speaking to her. Your feelings will carry on coming second to hers. Let her down gently? What a fucking laugh. She's a stranger. You're his wife. It should be a no brainer. His 'friend' isn't the problem, he is.

This worries me more than any of the rest of what you said. He owes her nothing, he has no reason to let her down gentley. Put your foot down now.

OP thanks for reporting back...

Honestly I think those of you who have posted since then have been very hard on the OP.

Actually I think her dhs response is ok tbh. Please bear in mind that they have been married for many years and to act as some of you have suggested and throw down ultimatums or have a hissy fit is not imho really the way 2 adults talk through an issue is it?

If I were her dh while I would acknowledge that my wife came first (he has done this!) I would be anxious about letting someone down by just walking away when it sounds as though they have pretty severe emotional problems and they have used you for support. Maybe she doesn't have any other emotional support. I think this is a marker of a nice person NOT a philanderer or selfish husband and it makes me think more highly of him not less. For sure this woman is not the op's problem but I for one wouldn't just cut and run if I had been in this situation - I wouldn't want to be responsible for just dumping with no explanation someone who I had been providing emotional support to.

I don't know what else you expect him to do? He has said that the op can go with him to meet her if she wishes. He has said he will end the friendship completely if his wife wishes. He has said he would like to let her down gently if this is the case - makes him a nice man not a twat imho. The fact that the op doesn't know if the meeting is going ahead or not is presumably because she isn't sure what she thinks about it now and isn't sure if she wants to go or if she wants her dh to end the friendship.

The one thing I will agree with others on - OP you are NOT unreasonable to be uncomfortable with the whole situation or with explaining to your dh how you feel. You are not out to choose his friends or restrict who he can and can't see. You have simply expressed how you feel about one, specific, situation. I think you would now be perfectly reasonable to request that you dh ends the friendship OR go with him to meet her. This does not make you a suspicious high maintenance wife. It makes you human.

Good luck and keep us posted.

alice, with respect, you have articulated exactly what most others on this thread have said

with more words

If the amount of posters who have said this doesn't sound right, they wouldn't be happy with it etc are saying anything, they're saying that you need to stop being unsure and start to get a bit angry and fight for your marriage.

You asked whether you were being unreasonable, almost as a whole MN said no, if you want to carry on a relationship with this man tell him to give the woman the brush off and focus on you.

Stop your internet access, smash up the computer he's chatting on, give him some demonstration of how you feel about him and how much this woman could potentionally hurt you. If you care about him, don't let it slip away.

Well...that's what I'd do

Alicet, i don't think that people are being hard on the OP. It's just that we cannot believe that she could be so naieve(sp?).
Her dh is taking the proverbial piss and she is the only one who can't see it.

By the way I do think the op's dh was naiive to get into this situation in the first place but I think it is not that hard to get sucked into a situation like this if you are a 'rescuer' type person as the op says her dh is. What matters now is that the way he responds makes it clear he is prioritising his wife. Which I think he is.

It is callous and unfeeling to just drop someone who has become dependent on you. And as the dh or in fact the op I would feel totally responsible if this woman responded by topping herself. And without knowing the situation, the womans personality, the things she has to live for and her other support networks this isn't over dramatising things!!! She may of course be doing a number on op's dh but I think his role now is to show her other places she can get the support she needs and firmly but gently tell her that he cannot continue to provide the level of support he has as it is causing upset with his own family.

Alicet, you're talking as though the OPs DH is responsible for the internet woman, or that his loyalities should lie with her over his own wife.

Like another poster said, he shouldn't be pandering to a woman he doesn't even know whilst running roughshod over the feelings of his wife.

alice, to be fair, I said her DH was a "rescuer"

the OP was fucking clueless, and still remains so

cross posted with those who think I am wrong.

When I said that posters are being hard on the op I meant since she has posted about her chat with dh. Not the rest of the thread. With respect Scary Fucker I don't think your post was a shortened version of mine at all! I mean 'I wash my hands of you' Not very supportive

And I actually don't think the op is being naiive. She fundamentally trusts her husband. She has spoken out about a situation she isn't happy about. Her dh has provided an explanation that she is happy with at the moment. That may or may not change when she thinks about it and discusses it with him further.

I can understand why you think she is naiive and her dh is doing a number. Maybe you have bad experiences yourself which make you more distrustful or know people who have been in a similar situation. In this situation, if my dh had said the same as hers, I would be happy with the explanation he has given.

Maybe we need to agree to disagree

Thanks op, the situation is obviously making you uneasy and causing you stress, so therefore it is HE who now should end it, you are his wife and should put your feelings first, not some woman in a chat room. HE should know to do the right thing, not put the ball in your court.

Agentzigzag you have misunderstood my post. I don't think he is responsible for this woman at the expense of his wife. He has said his wife can go to the meet OR he will ditch the friendship. These actions are showing that he prioritises his wife. I don't think that him wanting to let her down gently mean there is anything suspect about this situation. But actually the fact that he has allowed her to become emotionally dependent on him means that he is to some degree responsible for her mental wellbeing for a short while while she can build up alternative sources of support. If she chooses to turn into a stalker and demand to see him etc I would say that his responsibility ends and he can walk away. But I wouldn't just dump and run in this situation - remembering of course that the op seems accepting of his response!

in too deep. Strong bond. Emotional intensity. Real life meetings.

I have never been cheated on, certainly not to my knowledge, but if i had the first inkling of something brewing, I would not hesitate to come down hard. If this isn't an emotional affair, it's some kind of ego boost and just as dangerous, despite the longevity of the marriage, if not more so.

Good luck op, I hope your dh makes the right call. It is up to him to know what that call should be. Anything less than cancelling all meetings is not on, not gentlemanly and not taking care of your feelings.

In my opinion.

By the way I didn't mean that letting her down gently has to be anything other than online. I just don't think he can just drop this woman without a word and making sure she has alternative support.

Moreover from the tone of the ops last post I don't think she would feel this was wrong either.

Maybe we're as naiive as each other

Yes alicet, I can see what you're saying now.

I think that I was just applying it to myself, if DH was upset with me talking and wanting to meet up with someone like this, I would end it straight away.

No letting them down gently, or letting it tail off, there's too much scope for it just carrying on.

He should be truthful and straight with the woman.

The woman knows he's married, she must have thought it could end at some point and prepared herself to some degree.

OP
Well done for making him talk to you about it. You must have been uncomfortable initiating the conversation, but it had to happen.
He's been stupid. Hopefully your chat has been a wake up call to him and he'll now do the right thing and prioritise your feelings.

Good luck.

Listen, if she is so dependent on him and he her, that he needs to "wean" the relationship, he should drop her like a hot potato.

He will live.

I get where you're at too agentzigzag.

Personally I wouldn't be able to dump and run although I would make absolutely sure that I was totally honest with her and not prolong it forever. Even giving her numbers for support lines or asking about other rl friends would be enough I guess.

But I can understand why some people would prefer to cut and run - clearly the priority is the OP and not the other woman. I wouldn'tthink bad of anyone who did so but I am not sure I could do this. Which is why I don't find it suspect I guess.

onmyfeet I think the 'weaning' is more necessary (possibly) for the other woman. I am not thinking about dh's feelings when I suggested that!