to want grandad to pay for private primary?

[educationeducationeducation]

I've namechanged for this.

My DS is in primary 4 at a local state school which I moved to get him into because of its good reputation. I only ever expected him to go there for a year or 2 while I was on maternity leave. However, I was made redundant and have been unable to get another job.

We live within walking distance of a 'perfect' private school which has an intake of an extra class in primary 5 (next year).

I know we could wait until he is due to start secondary (same school) when he will be eligible for a bursery but I want him to go next year. If I had ANY spare money I would use it to send him there, but we are currently classed as 'living in poverty' (4 people on £17k).

There are 2 main reasons why I dont want to wait. Firstly, his IQ is higher than the top 1% of the population. He used to be 4 years ahead of his peers but this has shrunk to 2. His current school has very little to offer him academically. He cruises and has become quite arrogant about being smarter then the other children (and teachers). His school has a 'softly, softly' attitude to what I deem bad behaviour. I can see how this is appropriate for other children but he just manipulates and take advantage. He needs a stricter environment.

Secondly, the children he has chosen to be friends with are not the kind of children I want him to associate with. For example his best friend gets coke for breakfast and is dropped off at school by a shell-suited mother with the obligatory fag hanging out of her mouth. From these children my DS has picked up such an unpleasant accent that I am frequently embarassed at hearing him speak. I really dont want him exposed to these influences any longer.

So I think it's reasonable to want my Dad (a millionaire on paper) to not wait until secondary to help pay school fees. He thinks private primary is indulgent and unnecessary and can't seem to fathom that by the time DS is 11 too much damage will have been done. I went from a good state primary to a private secondary and I never felt like I fitted in.
I know Dad can afford it. I'm an only child so it's not like he has other grand DCs other than mine to provide for.

AIBU?

I can't believe the way you are talking about your son! Forget the rest if it, as others have said you don't sound like you likehim at all which is horrible. His arrogance is probably a coping mechanism for the sheer isolation and bewilderment he must feel at the fact thathis own mum doesn't like him much! Poor kid.

"Private education it doesn't somehow assure that your child will be successful or well-behaved or give them good morals". Well, quite !

This poster reminds me of someone else.

who?

YOU

TBH the Ops reaction to her son, assuming he is as challenging as she says, is the reason I really wish she would sit down and think about all ofthis.

I know what it is like to have a child whose behaviour is uncontrollable and inexplicable. The experience is desperately frustrating and wrapped in layers of guilt and misery.
I think that at times I didn't like DS2 much. I still loved him but I resented how useless he made me feel and how humiliating it was when others saw his behaviour. I was so sad and so angry.

That evaporated but only once I realised why he was behaving like that and what I could do to change it.

I hope OP reads some of the well meant advice on here - in spite of all the micky taking and mocking. I think getting to the bottom of his behaviour, rather than finding ways to blame him or shiftthe problem on to someone else, would be a huge gift to both ofthem.
This will all only get worse as he gets older

me? ha.

I wish it were me, I'd love to have a rich dad!

I can sympathise very well with the OP struggling with her challenging son.

But, education, there are so many things you could help him with:

stretch him sideways rather than teach him the same kind of things at home that he does at school- so instead of learning more French, let him do Latin (there are online courses, or evening courses to be had); my parents were amazing with this- we had access to so many exciting learning opportunities but very few that brought them into any kind of collision with the school

an instrument is always good, and there are no limits to how good you can get at it; if he is good at maths, he might like to write his own music

if he is good at literacy, you could encourage him to write at home and maybe take part in writing competitions

make sure he has plenty of challenging books to read- if he has a reading age of 10, something like the Lord of the Rings might keep him occupied for a while, or biographies of famous people written for adults (dd read Antonia Fraser's biography of Mary Queen of Scots at this age, he might prefer something more masculine)

make sure he gets to do some activity that he is not very good at, crafts, sports or whatever, something that is unfamiliar and a bit challenging

be aware that his brightness may not be the whole story: it can mask other problems or worries too- maybe have a chat with his teacher to see how he is coping socially

be aware that private schools also have countless problems and temptations that he would also be exposed to and that private education would not be an instant fix

remember the salutary tale of my MIL before you ask your dad to part with his savings: beforehand, I would have said "we will look after her", the truth is no private home would have the facilities and there is no way we could pay for the level of nursing care she needs

I was only responding to the posters who blame me for his arrogance.

Of course I like him, he's my PFB fgs! It's just that even I can see that's he's sometimes not a very nice person. It's very difficult to balance encouraging his self-worth with him acting as if he's better than everyone else.

filibear- Unlike my DS my other DC has 2 parents, who are going to be willing and able to pay for their education when the time comes.

When I was earning I poured all my money into buying a house in the catchment area of his current school. It had an excellent reputation. If I'd have known then what I know now I'd have kept renting and paid the fees instead. But silly me, I thought going to a 'good' state primary would be a valuable experience.

yakkin- I know that a bad diet is not an exclusively state school phenomenon. My friend's DS is at a private school and complains about the rubbish the other DC's are fed.

grapeand lemon-I'm not saying that success, behaviour and morality are the sole responsibility of the school. But if the school doesn't value these things it makes my job as a parent that much harder. There are enough negative influences out there, is it too much to expect the school not to be one of them?

having kittens- dont put words in my mouth. I didn't say anything like that. Are you a tabloid journalist? FWIW my parents did pay for private secondary for me, but it was a drop in the ocean for them at the time. After that I had to pay my own way, through uni, 1st car, house deposit, postgrad course, unlike most of my friends.

eldritch- but how exactly do you get a disrespectful, disobedient child to adhere to your standards of behaviour? I've mentioned above what I've tried, with little success.

hettie- I don't think I've created 2 different environments for my DCs. DS was always quite stubborn and grumpy. From what I can see his current school environment is bringing out the worst in him rather than playing to his strengths.

tanmu82- As I've said we've tried to encourage good behaviour at home eg chores with star charts etc. He doesn't respond.

His school has a very 'relaxed' attitude to homework, uniform, punctuality etc. There are also no competitive sports. It just isn't the right environment for a child with my DS's personality/strengths.

Either this is a windup, or the child genius must be adopted. People living on £17K in the catchment area of a great state primary should frankly be bloody grateful. Besides, granddad is right -- private primary school is totally pointless. It's only there to socialise children; clever ones will flourish anywhere.

well like I said..maybe asking in a different context on 'behaviour' may get some good tips.
there are a fair few parents dealing with challenging children on here. It may help

and to add to above: it's not a choice of doing competitive sports at school or not doing them at all, surely? there are sports clubs, swimming clubs,

Well Education, yabvvvvvu and selfish, YOU and his dad should be paying for private education not your dad. If you cant't afford it than your ds can't go. Of course I would like dd to go to the same private school I went to but we cannot afford the 18K but know that dh and I cannot afford the fees. Have your tried the local Grammar schools, scholarships or bursery.

I know that you want the best for your ds we all want the best for our children, but sometimes we cant always have what we want. STop being so judgy

I've name changed for this as I've no wish to be outed.

DP is a millionaire and not just on paper. We have 3 children in private school (2 at boarding, one at day school) and also another now at university. It costs a lot for us to do it but its worth it to us. We (well DP) also pay my nephews fees as his parents can't afford it.

DP has a very high IQ and a successful business. Guess what though - he went to the sort of state school that many people on Mumsnet would do their absolute best to pull their children out of. Coke and shell suits were the least of the worries. His parents were very poor and no one paid his fees.

Encourage your son to make the best of the opportunities he has and be grateful his grandfather is willing to consider paying the secondary fees

DP is wonderful though quite why he's with me I sometimes wonder!!

Anyway I won't be posting under this name again as its a bit silly

Education....I think you need to be careful about focusing on private primary education as the silver bullet solution to your sons problems. It sounds from what you say that he has some social problems (arrogance, lack of relationship with peers, lying, manipulation) that need to be addressed. You should probably seek advice from suitable qualified experts

Having ploughed through all nine pages of this, I'm amazed that this is actually real. Seriously, surely no one could have such a feeling of entitlement and arrogance?

OP, you are utterly utterly deluded.

I don't get it?

"my other DC has 2 parents, who are going to be willing and able to pay for their education when the time comes"

So your DP could afford to pay for his kids but won't pay for yours? Or, are you winning the lottery this time next year so you know you can pay for the others? You're not making sense!

'What a selfish, individualistic bubble you all live in'

OP surely you are joking?

Unbelievable. You say so many jaw-dropping things that I REALLY hope for your sake that this is a massive joke and that you are sitting at your computer laughing.

Because if this is for real - I feel sorry for you - and very sorry for your children. An attitude like yours will do them absolutely no favours if they pick it up from you. Maybe you should start talking to the shell-suited mum and start seeing her and her son as people with their own strengths and weaknesses - rather than just as barriers to your DS being successful at school. You have so many reasons why your DS is doing 'badly' at school and behaving in a way you don't like. Funny how none of these reasons seem to involve you.

YABU-it is up to you to pay for it if you want it.

WTF?
This has to be a wind-up?

Not read the other replies as it would take too long, but this is obv made up as no one at all wears shell suits any more.

Haven't read all of this, but the OP is staggering.

Education - what on earth makes you think a private education will solve everything for your son? The biggest influence on him at this stage will be his parents - and goodness help him there. Wherever he's educated, emotional intelligence won't be one of his strengths if he inherits your attitute.

And clearly your own private education didn't catapult you into a high-earning job yourself otherwise you'd be able to afford ds's fees.

Why do you think you're entitled to your dad's money? If it's that important, go out and earn it yourself.

I think for you to post all this you are actually having a really hard time parenting him - you should contact your doctor and get a referral to your local CAMHS team who will; help you with parenting issues (which youobviously have as no ones kid gets that arrogant without help from their parents) and you could go to family therapy (yes even at 8 years old) and your son could learn just how you are supposed to relate to others be they adults or other children.

And my husband is a banker and would eat your son alive as most bankers are actually nice, kind individuals with lovely families who know how to speak to others be they on their wave length or not - the jumped up arrogant ones get found out and word goes around and they find it vcery very hard to gain promotion.

I once refused to work for a banker because he was such a complete arrogant wanker as did the 12 other assistants in the broking company I worked for, 4 temps later and he was told he would have to change his attitide or do his own admin. We all got flowers and chocolates and jo malone perfume and still we all hated him and they couldn;t even pay anyone more to work for him because they would have to pay all of us higher salaries - he went off and worked in Germany I think.