to want grandad to pay for private primary?

[educationeducationeducation]

I've namechanged for this.

My DS is in primary 4 at a local state school which I moved to get him into because of its good reputation. I only ever expected him to go there for a year or 2 while I was on maternity leave. However, I was made redundant and have been unable to get another job.

We live within walking distance of a 'perfect' private school which has an intake of an extra class in primary 5 (next year).

I know we could wait until he is due to start secondary (same school) when he will be eligible for a bursery but I want him to go next year. If I had ANY spare money I would use it to send him there, but we are currently classed as 'living in poverty' (4 people on £17k).

There are 2 main reasons why I dont want to wait. Firstly, his IQ is higher than the top 1% of the population. He used to be 4 years ahead of his peers but this has shrunk to 2. His current school has very little to offer him academically. He cruises and has become quite arrogant about being smarter then the other children (and teachers). His school has a 'softly, softly' attitude to what I deem bad behaviour. I can see how this is appropriate for other children but he just manipulates and take advantage. He needs a stricter environment.

Secondly, the children he has chosen to be friends with are not the kind of children I want him to associate with. For example his best friend gets coke for breakfast and is dropped off at school by a shell-suited mother with the obligatory fag hanging out of her mouth. From these children my DS has picked up such an unpleasant accent that I am frequently embarassed at hearing him speak. I really dont want him exposed to these influences any longer.

So I think it's reasonable to want my Dad (a millionaire on paper) to not wait until secondary to help pay school fees. He thinks private primary is indulgent and unnecessary and can't seem to fathom that by the time DS is 11 too much damage will have been done. I went from a good state primary to a private secondary and I never felt like I fitted in.
I know Dad can afford it. I'm an only child so it's not like he has other grand DCs other than mine to provide for.

AIBU?

I take the point that the grandparent isnt at all obliged to contribute anything.
But I know that I will want to help my grandchildren when the time comes, and if that meant paying school fees during a difficult time for the parent I would.
Dont see why this has got people spitting feathers.

I read the bit about wanitng teh stricter school and thought yes I can see that

then I read the rest and realised it was a mirage of hope in a desert of oddity

I'll be helping out future grandchildren too, but I wouldn't like them to feel that it's automatically expected of me. it isn't!

Maybe that's how you see it but I actually think that my father did his duty when he provided for me. It is not his duty or responsibility to provide for my children.When I chose to have children then I took on the responsibility of meeting their needs. If I felt they needed a private education then I would ensure I could fund it, if I couldn't afford a private education then I would address the issues that made the provision my child was getting unsuitable.
Your issues seem to be with ds's behaviour at school. You address that by ensuring he knows what you expect and providing incentives and consequences to make sure his behaviour is as you want.
He is "only" two years ahead then you address that by providing enrichment activities out of school.
He isn't cultivating the right friends then you address that by providing opportunities for him to mix with lots of different people and hope he finds more suitable friends although if he knows you don't approve then the child in question will seem much more attractive.
Then his attitude well you may need to look at the attitude you yourself present first and see whether he could be picking up lees appealing traits from you and show him a different way.

cartoose- I NEVER SAID 'EXPECT'

Can't people read?

I hope to be back at work soon, so I dont want to move him twice in 3 years.

I didn't see anywhere that op expected anything.

I think people have made that leap in their rush to be Shocked and Appalled!

op, you are too ready to use your ds's school as an excuse for all of his failings (as you see them).

he's still a child, he needs support and love and acceptance and your views on how badly he is doing will be undermining his confidence.

you need to sort yourself out before you start on your ds.

and if your dad wants to spend his money with his mates down the pub, thats his business. maybe he looks at you and your attitude to life and wonders if spending all that money on private schooling was money well spent.

I know many people who had the experience of being yards brighter than anyone else at their primary (and indeed their secondary) school.

They did not turn out arrogant. Nor did they fall behind academically (I met them at Oxford).

Clearly their parents did not allow them to consider themselves better than their peers, just because they were more academically able. Neither were they allowed (by their parents) to cruise academically and do less well than they were capable of.

I don't think the school is the problem here.
OP, it sounds as though you think your son is better than his classmates. Is it possible he is picking up that attitude from you?

Can you remortgage to cover the extra fees?

I am shocked and appalled and

OP YANBU

in being concerned about your DS from what you say below

"He cruises and has become quite arrogant about being smarter then the other children (and teachers). His school has a 'softly, softly' attitude to what I deem bad behaviour. I can see how this is appropriate for other children but he just manipulates and take advantage. He needs a stricter environment."

(I will leave on side the somewhat inflammatory remarks you have made about "social" concerns...)

I am not going to call you a spoilt brat etc as it seems your Dad has made the decision to help out in principle and helping to ensure grandkids get the right education for them seems to me to be a sensible thing for granparents to do if they can.

Does your Dad realise that there is a possibility that if DS does not get the teaching he needs now, and loses interest in school as a result, there is the chance that he may not even get into an academically selective private secondary school.

My very bright sister went to a very "liberal" state primary and then failed the common entrance exam at age 11. she eventually turned it around and graduated from Cambridge but this was a huge knockback at an early age.

However its your Dad's money and if he is not willing to spend it then you will have
to find another solution. is there another state school that would be any better?

What attitude? I want what's in my child's best interests. What's wrong with that attitude?

Surely families should do what they can to help each other in times of need? You might say it's his business how he miss spends his money but it'll be me who'll be looking after him when he's old. Should I say to him then, that his needs are 'none of my business'?

What a selfish, individualistic bubble you all live in.

"I think it's reasonable to want my Dad (a millionaire on paper) to not wait until secondary to help pay school fees."

"I know Dad can afford it. I'm an only child so it's not like he has other grand DCs other than mine to provide for."

No, you didn't use the word "expect" but you definitely seem to think he should be paying.

Anyway, if you want to ask, ask. He can only say yes or no.

PS I think othe posters are being somewhat unfair on the OP by assuming that she is the problem, not the school and that she thinks her child is "better" than anyone else .

I dont think she has presented her child as being better than anyone else as she is concerned that he is being arrogant and manipulative!

OP, it seems that you are confident that you'll have more money in the future.

If so, why not ask your Dad for a loan to pay the extra school fees? Much more reasonable.

Yes PinkElephant but the problem is that she thinks his attitude will be fixed by sending him to a different school.

Surely it is her responsibility to sort out his attitude, at home. Sending him to a different school will probably just reinforce his belief that he is special and deserves special treatment.

What is the definition of a shellsuit? Was there a proper technical term for one?

"pagwatch- Did no-one ever tell you sarcasm is the lowest form of wit?"

yes. But they were wearing a shell suit and spoke in a most peculiar way so I didn't take any notice.

Your Op was always going to result in piss taking because it has a touch of the foot stamping toddler about it. You blame a lot of people for the issues you aredealing with but take no responsibility . You blame your father, the school, the teachers and their lax discipline, the other children, the other parents, your son being too intelligent... it just goes on.

When my DS2 started school we were in a really rough part of south london and my son is very very smart. What he learnt from local kids, their families, their accents,eating habits and behaviour were not my concern nor his. he behaved according to my standards. Full stop.

He did end up in private school. we moved three times, sorted care for his brother and then finally settled on a good local private school.
But had that been impossible I still would have been responsible for his manners and behaviour.

I suspect you would have got much more supportive responses had you not displayed such snobbery and blamed everyone else for the bahviours your child exhibits that you do not like.
Loads of parents send their bright children to shit schools of many varieties and do not produce arrogant, slang laden children.

But listen to Cory. She speaks sense

pickled- if I could remortgage I would.

pinkelephant- I could move him to a state schol in another area but none of them are academic 'hothouses' like the private option is so I don't know how much it would really help. It all depends on how long I'm unemployed for. I dont have a crystal ball so I cant see now what will be the best in the long run.

I could see how his attitude could put schools off him. that is why I want him to move now. They're so desperate for the money they'd take any bright child who coughs up the fees at this stage.

minipie- I can't enforce how his school teaches him. They give him easy work which he finishes quickly. He then helps out distracts the other children because he's bored. But what are they supposed to do? Bring in a secondary teacher to teach him?? I used to give him extra work at home but this just meant he was further ahead. (His school doesn't set homework).

education

decent private schools are not desperate for kids. The good private schools are usually vastly over subscribed. About three children for every place at my DS1s school.

Wow. That's quite unusual not to have homework at 8 isn't it?

pinkelephant-exactly, I never said nor think that my DS is 'better'. I'd swap him for a reasonably clever, well behaved boy any day.

minipie- good idea, a loan, why didn't I think of that!

I've tried everything I can think of to change his arrogant attitude. But I'm open to suggestions. It's shameful some of the things he comes out with about other children being 'stupid'. I tell him off for saying things like that btw. I'm at a loss at how to deal with him and can only imagine it geting worse as he gets older. He doesn't respond to getting told off, reward charts, removal of privileges etc. He's even had toys put in the bin for bad behaviour but he just says he doesn't care.

pagwatch- If I could blame anyone I'd blame his arrogant bio father. He was so nice he abandoned his child. Like father like son. Lucky all those other parents with perfectly behaved children who aren't the spawn of the devil.

wrt attitude
shellsuit
accent (I have an incredibly strong accent and have simply learned to drop it when appropriate)

In all honesty though I think you need to turn this on its head: your son is lucky to have a Grandad who will fork out huge amounts to put him into private at any age.

He has a year; not even that. You could pull him and home educate him (if your income is only £17k tbh tax credits would make that up- not a choice I'd make but an option)

Otherwise, you KLNOW you don't smoke, give him cola (I presume its that kind of coke?) for breakfast, your fashion sense is up to you, accents can be dealt with or dropped.

Your child will ahve many opportunities to get in with abad crowd: many private kids do, s well as many state. he's better off IMO having a time of learning that people are variable, some a dubious whilst others great adn that appearance and wealth does not come into this. Add in a good secondary education and natural ability and he has a chance at being a rounded perosn.

hahahaha

yes . I have perfect well behaved children.

have you thought about going and posting this ( rather differently worded) on behaviour?

You seem to me to be missing the point a bit, misdiagnosing.
You are looking for a school to sort your child out. But the issues are going to remain at a private school if they are essentially coming from your DS.
I can't see his arrognace etc being a result of his intelligence. DS1 was very ahead of his peers but he was not arrogant.
I am not saying that that is because he is perfect - I am saying that that is because being intelligent does not = being arrogant.

Equally not responding to punishment is not usual, and it is not the result of his intelligence of his school. Do you see what I mean?

You need to focus on what the problem actually is rather than diffusing it with ways to escape. Or you could end up with your father paying fees and your DS still being arrognat and rude and potentially expelled. then you really are screwed.

Post on behaviour and try and focus in on why he is behaving this way.
I honestly doubt it is either his intelligence or his school friends.
If you deal withthat then you can address the school concerns differently