to be horrified at this 'Kids in care' documentary?!

[TanteAC]

Have never posted in AIBU bfore, but would be really interested to hear what you think as I am really astonished at how one social worker is talking to a troubled teen?

Some of them are obviously doing a great job in difficult circumstances, but the man who is dealing with the teenage boy needs to realise how bloody vulnerable and cornered some of these kids must feel!

Am not a social worker or anything which is why I think I may be BU, but saying to a kid who has just looked at his whole family at his mum's wedding when he couldn't go, had only 2 hours with his little sister and then got upset that he couldn't have contact when he wanted that he 'keeps moving the goalposts and asking for more and more' is horrible and not very insightful?!

Of course he is angry and upset - and of course he wants more, he is entitled to want more! Not always possible, and I appreciate the circumstances but frickin' hell!

So - anyone else watching? AIBU to think that this particualer social worker should communicate better with teens he works with and stop making it seem like the child is being unreasonable? Seems like that reaction was inevitable to me...

She said that she got married in a hurry-the older sister didn't get there either. I'm sure that for a prearranged wedding all stops would have been pulled. I wouldn't have got married the second time without my DS being there.

newname, I read that link and I have to say, the experiences sound very similar to those of the people I know who have foster children. I didn't see the program but it doesn't sound like it reflected those experiences at all. I'm not saying that ALL foster children are like that and of course it is awful what some of them have been through. I'm just not sure that some of the policies that the foster agencies have wrt these children do them any favours.

Newname: why did you not investigate what kind of environment you were sending your DS into?
Why did you think sending him away would make him think you were doing it because you loved him etc?
I can not understand your explanation for your actions.
I could understand if you said, i couldn't have him here abusing the other children, or causing so much trouble etc.
But this ;

"We thought that two weeks in care would make him realise how much we loved him and how desperately we wanted him to get the help he needed."

????????
Why would a seriously messed up 13yr old boy come to this realisation?/believe your reasoning?

You can not blame the care system for not 'fixing' someone you couldn't help either.

Im not pointing fingers, but if a 13 yr old boy was sexually abusing his younger siblings/family members then he probably was exposed to this behaviour/abused himself from a young age,,, presumably when you were supposed to be bringing him up and looking after him.
He was damaged before you sent him off, your his Mother,,, who else is supposed to be more suited or driven to help their own child??

Maybe instead of blaming the care system for what clearly are your failings, you should look back at how you raised your son and try to take some responsability.

newname - :( yes you were naive, but I can see what you were trying to achieve. I'm really sorry it didn't do what you hoped it would and I hope that one day soon, something gets through to your DS and he changes his life around.

newname - I would be the first to critisise the care system as it currently stands...however I think the assertion made in that blog post that M 'is the product of the care system' is quite wrong.

He was clearly beyond control when you placed him in care ...sexually abusing siblings is very extreme behaviour.

I don't say this to blame or judge you btw.

I havn't watched it, I couldnt, a child in our family was taken into care yesterday.

We have spent the last two years crying out for help, for a child that increasingly became more and more angry, more and more distressed.

We were given nothing, things went from bad to worse, to this week so bad there was no choice.

Please do not think all Families dont care.

We care so much.

I have spent the last two days in tears, and I am a strong person.

The Childrens Services have let her down, they have let us down, and the system does not work.

Pleasedontblameusall - Sorry. don't know what to suggest. An audience with your MP will often people authorities act a bit faster.

I hope it gets better for you.

We've all forgotten about that fantistic kid in the documentary - he had a strange name and i can't recall it - the one that got into horse riding. There's an example of what can happen when the system gets it right.

he was amazing. Bright, funny, articulate and had a really promising future. he was adorable.

Can I just say (hopefully not inappropriatly) for all of Dolphins modesty she an amazing FC and mum. (we have met local MN). She is patient and like an octupus juggling all her LO's but does it with more patience than I have with just 1 DS!!!! It's the behind the scenes bits of FC that really make an eye opener.

Still thinking about this programme at work today - its had a real impact.

awww shucks mumbar .

We really need to sort out a grown ups meet up.

Mumbar - that's a lovely thing to say. I think it shows through in her posts :)

Pleasedontblameusall - I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully someone here can give you some good advice. Do you want to talk about it more? Tell us about her & what you have been through or is it all too raw?

For me it highlighted that nothing comes close to the loving care of a stable parent or parents. Everything else just pales in comparison.

But I thought all of those social workers did an exceptional job in tough circumstances. they were professionals and caring. I couldn't fault any of them.

I am not a social worker, but do work with vulnerable and excluded young people, some of whom are in care. I found the programme heartbreaking (Connor - the look on his face when he saw his mum's wedding on video; the way he looked at his little sister, who was getting a childhood with her mum...), but also uplifiting (the beautiful boy who loved horseriding).

I think it also showed that in many cases, parents who have had their children removed from their care aren't 'evil' abusers. They are vulnerable adults, struggling to cope with their own lives. Shannon's mum obviously adored her, but was unable to give her the stability she needs. Really sad.

I dont think I could even articulate at the moment how I feel.

pleasedontblameusall ((HUGS)) you know where we are if you want to talk x

We ( I am part of her extended Family, noT her mum) all have been appealing for help, for two years now.

She had SW after SW, who just seemed to do nothing. (Or worse still told us not to give her boundries, as she would only rebel against them)

We asked for CAHMs, we asked for Family therapy.

We got nothing.

Finally she got involved in drugs and influenced by a older woman (who was a mother herself with 4 children in care)

The Police said it was not a place should be, SW let her go there, did nothing to stop it, we asked and asked for help.

When it was too late, she finally got a good Social Worker, who kept us informed of things who tried to help.

But it was to late.

The child tried t take her own life, when that didnt work, erupted into violence.

They finally listened, and took her into are yesterday.

We all feel we failed her.

We just didnt know what else to do.

Please, some people may recognise me, please dont out me.

I cannot even begin to understand how these children must feel. The parents are the ones to blame, yet the children still want to be with them .
I felt very sad for all the children in the programme. I actually cried when little Connor's foster mum said eventually he'll leave and all his fears will come true. How sad! :(

It's awful isn't it :(

I can't believe you didn't get any help when you asked - that's just terrible. It's just beyond comprehension that you have a loving family wanting to help a child, yet there is no help for them - then they end up taking the child into care at a huge cost, when early intervention could have made all the difference and been less costly. You really do wonder who the hell comes up with all the 'rules' & 'conditions' etc

Is the 'good' Social Worker still involved?

Will you all be able to see her?

You didn't fail her, it sounds like you did everything you could think of to help her. The system has failed her & you x

someone mentioned that more adoptive parents were needed. I agree but believe me there are many adopters waiting to be matched with children. The system is just too slow. Myself and 2 fellow approved adopters (we have all been approved since early 2010)have been told that there are no children available by our adoption agency (local authority). We are not expecting to be given babies but to be told that there are no children waiting to be adopted just beggers belief!
I found the program very depressing. These children need a loving home we have a loving home.

The 'God' SW is involved and has been brilliant the last few days, unfortunately was off last week.

I dont know when we will get to see her.

Nancy66 I haven't considered dropping out yet.
Did your SW try to make your reconsider. I can't believe you went through all that stress & hard work and they just let you go.

Nope - we wrote saying we felt very let down but had decided to drop out - and never heard another word!

Shocking - so sorry to hear that.
The current system is letting lots of children down.

I worked in a children home a little while back and my experiences there were mainly negative.
The manager was lazy- she came in late and went home early every day (she rarely left the office even when one girl had slit her wrists), she played the staff and kids off against each other and didnt provide very good resources for the kids there at all.

The children there were lost and vulnerable and often expressed their frustration by being angry and violent they often lashed out at the staff that worked there ( more often and not these arent even properly trained- the staff that work in children's home are rarely social workers just carers)

They broke a member of staffs jaw, set fire to the building and smashed every window of the home. It was an extremely hard environment to work in the staff turn over was very very high- which only added to the children/teenagers frustration- some people only lasted hours with few lasting more than a month.
Very often these teenagers were very damaged not only have they been let down by their families but by the care system in general too.
The average cost to keep a child in a home like the one I worked in was over 1 thousand pounds a week and the children get very very little from that.

I find the whole system sad.

Theres a school fairly near me for boys, who are one crime (usually) away from a young offenders insistute, many of whom are potential boys who will go into care as their families are pushed into the limit. Many of these boys are really struggling educationally - sometimes because they've missed much education and sometimes the reason for their extreme behaviour.

They board there and have very strict rules. They earn rewards for good behaviour and get traets such as canoeing etc. They also do a day which gives back to the less 'fortunate'. Basically twice a year they provide fun days for children with sisabilities, special needs and life limiting conditions - I go with pupils from my school. The boys really engage with the pupils and are open about their lives - honest but understanding where it/ they went wrong. It is a fab provision and helps these boys get a future and feel worth something.

I thought about this programme and thread all day today at work - coincidentally having to deal with a mega outburst from a child in care as well. And a 30 min stand off with another - karma, perhaps, for starting this thread?!

Was thinking about it afterwards and although no-one ever gets it totally right, how you speak about it really does make a difference - I know I would have handled it (and been tempted to take it a lot more personally) completely differently a few years back. Experience improves things a lot, I suppose.

Just to clarify, I was not saying that the male SW didn't care/wasn't trying, etc - but just that how he approached it seemed wrong to me. With experience I am sure he will be able to diffuse some of these situations earlier on. (Mind you, it doesn't always work! )

And, as ever, I believe the first responsibility lies with the parents and family of these children.

You have all given me plenty of food for thought, though - TY