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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be horrified at this 'Kids in care' documentary?!

176 replies

TanteAC · 05/10/2010 21:49

Have never posted in AIBU bfore, but would be really interested to hear what you think as I am really astonished at how one social worker is talking to a troubled teen?

Some of them are obviously doing a great job in difficult circumstances, but the man who is dealing with the teenage boy needs to realise how bloody vulnerable and cornered some of these kids must feel!

Am not a social worker or anything which is why I think I may be BU, but saying to a kid who has just looked at his whole family at his mum's wedding when he couldn't go, had only 2 hours with his little sister and then got upset that he couldn't have contact when he wanted that he 'keeps moving the goalposts and asking for more and more' is horrible and not very insightful?!

Of course he is angry and upset - and of course he wants more, he is entitled to want more! Angry Not always possible, and I appreciate the circumstances but frickin' hell!

So - anyone else watching? AIBU to think that this particualer social worker should communicate better with teens he works with and stop making it seem like the child is being unreasonable? Seems like that reaction was inevitable to me...

OP posts:
annec555 · 05/10/2010 22:16

I also thought the SW did a really good job in very difficult circumstances. I don't think there was any sense of "me me me" at all.
I often work with extremely troubled and "difficult" juveniles and they won't ultimately thank you for being anything but straight with them. That is even more important for SWs who are dealing with them long-term and helping them with all aspects of their lives.
I suppose it is easy to look at the response he was getting from Connor and assume that he was doing something wrong, but it is not as straightforward as "say the right thing" = "get the right response".

spikeycow · 05/10/2010 22:17

I didn't like that the boy apologised and they still got police involved. It must have taken a lot for him to apologise to an adult after what he's been through and to hear all that "you know we have to tell the police don't you mate" must have made him feel horribly betrayed. That's why it said at the end he didn't want to work with that SW any more. Why call someone mate when you're getting them arrested it's fake and teens can see through it

MrsMorgan · 05/10/2010 22:19

Wrt involving the police, Conner's social worker already said that he has been violent before and left bruises on staff, so perhaps they felt that this time they had to send out a stronger message to him.

annec555 · 05/10/2010 22:22

I am pretty sure that SS have strict procedures in relation to violent incidents and that once it was reported by his SW (as obviously it had to be), the decision whether or not to escalate the matter to a police investigation would be out of the hands of any individual.
Can you imagine how much of an outcry there would be if a young person went on to assault and injure a foster carer, another child or a member of the public, and it came out that there were violent incidents known to SS but not reported to the police?

spikeycow · 05/10/2010 22:26

Well I don't like it. If he'd have said Look it's procedure, I don't want to do it but it's out of my hands that would have been different but he said thanks for the apology mate but I'm grassing you mate. Tis what me and connor heard anyway.

dolphin13 · 05/10/2010 22:26

Hi mumbar Grin

Conner had already threatened a SW with a knife. It's important to teach children that their actions will have consequences. Yes he apologised but sadly these children learn very quickly the right things to say to get themselves out of trouble. They have very few of the boundries our own children have so often feel they can make there own rules. FCs and residential home workers have few powers to control the children in their care.

Original poster
TanteAC · 05/10/2010 22:26

Thanks for all responses - food for thought. Work with teenagers myself but not in quite as difficult situations, obviously.

Now feel like I have misdirected some of my anger at SW who I am sure does a great job, but still thinking that he could have done a bit better in the words he chose to stop it getting to the violence and then inevitable police stage.

Just mainly Sad all round, though, and glad there are people in the world who step in o help from any direction.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 05/10/2010 22:27

I don't think police involvement was necessary either - he called up and apologised, the first time he has ever appologised about anything - I thought that should count for something...

MrsMorgan - yes, Shannons Foster Parents did look scared, however, she was their first placement and I guess they were expecting/hoping for a small Connor type child the first time around!

piscesmoon · 05/10/2010 22:27

The SW was only 21yrs old-he will gain experience on the job. He cared and he was trying-he wasn't the one making the decisions just the messenger. Do we even know that he chose to get the police involved? My DS is 21yrs and he couldn't do the job. I felt for Connor-the fact that he had missed visits because no one could take him was really sad but I expect that they simply didn't have enough staff. Their hands are tied to a certain extent. Connor was actually getting what he wanted to a certain extent, it is a pity that they couldn't get it across to him that if he went with what was offered he was more likely to end up with the changes he wanted. His mother was at fault and had caused the problems. When it was short notice and he couldn't get to the wedding she should have delayed the wedding. Connor had so much potential-it is such a shame if he is so badly damaged that he can't fulfill it.
Little Connor was lovely-you wonder why the adoption broke down.

Lostmykeys · 05/10/2010 22:28

I feel very sad that little Connor went to bed on his own Sad,hope it was a one off...

spikeycow · 05/10/2010 22:29

And he didn't mention grassing on the phone, he said they would "sort it out together". Connor wouldn't have apologised if he knew the police would be involved.
This is all from Connors perspective obviously.

hairytriangle · 05/10/2010 22:29

I think he was doing an amazing job and being very fair. The lad needs boundaries. Yes he's had a shit deal but he needs someone honest and strong and who demonstrates an appropriate way to show emotion and deal with conflict.

Namechangingwuss · 05/10/2010 22:31

I cried watching that too, poor little Connor seemed so settled with his foster parents and they obviously love him, I was really willing them to change their minds about adopting him.

I'm undecided about the other Connor's sw, I missed the beginning but it seemed so unfair that he was only allowed to see his mum for 2 hours at a time.

I loved Shannon's sw though, she really genuinely cared about her which the poor girl really needed

piscesmoon · 05/10/2010 22:31

Shannon's foster parents were bound to look scared! They had never done it before and were being televised. They must be doing well because it said that it was successful. Connor must have been one of his SW's first charges. People gain experience on the job-they are not born wise or knowing how to handle things. I expect he will be excellent in 10 yrs time.

devotion · 05/10/2010 22:33

i've just been crying my head off and want to get in my car and go and bring home that poor little boy and give him lots of love and cuddles.

i missed the beginning and dont know why he had two failed adoptions. i could not take it when they said he has still not been adopted. i honestly would adopt him. my youngest is under one year so am i right in thinking the adopted child has to be the youngest?

i have no idea about adoption whatsoever and just speaking from the heart here.

those poor children and seeing that poor girl break down in her new foster house, i was trying to imagine how she was feeling when she was sitting on the couch with her new foster mother on the end and her foster father towering over the doorway, effing scared if you ask me. bless her, what those poor kids go through because of the useless excuses of humans who brought them into the world. those parents probably repeated the whole process they experienced as kids but why cant they end that cycle for their kids sake?

some people should not be allowed to have children (i'm going to hide now....)

Manda25 · 05/10/2010 22:34

I am a social worker ...in a home much like the grange but i work for the LA.

I didnt like how the SW called Conner 'mate' all the time ...and found it a little patronizing ....he was young though - I think in time he will learn that you are not their mates (nor should you be). I love the teenagers I work with but there still comes a point where you have to get the police involved ... not all the time and not on the first occasion (depending) but you are doing them no favours helping them to blame their behaviour on their up bring/past...unfortunately they do have to learn ....because they will become adults and it is not ok for an adult to think their behaviour can be excused with an apology.

The program made me cry...and I take my hats off to all foster carers.

mamatomany · 05/10/2010 22:34

The social worker was only 21 years old himself - how could he possibly be experienced and wise enough to deal with such complex and F$$ked up emotions?

I thought you had to be 21 before you could begin SW training therefore 24 at the earliest before you could start work, when did that change ?

piscesmoon · 05/10/2010 22:35

Little Connor went to bed on his own because the rest of the family were on camera having a discussion. A camera crew in your house, directing proceedings, does make a difference! Quite possibly they shot him getting into bed and then one of the production team kept him amused. It isn't a normal situation!

OTTMummA · 05/10/2010 22:35

sorry, but a 21yr old should NOT be a social worker working with such agressive cases.

Im sure he is a good person, but really, he needs more training.
All well and good saying, well how is he going to be a better SW if he doesn't work with kids etc, but he seriously handled the situation wrong, Connor probably doesn't need another misguided do gooder betraying his confidence and talking down to him.
Not all his fault, his boss should of thought more about which cases he should be on.

IME there are more inexperienced SW in the system that do more harm over the long term than good, than the really professional, lovely and helpful SW's that are a dime a 10 dozen.

omnishambles · 05/10/2010 22:37

We are at the very first stages of considering fostering but its all food for thought.

I'm not really sure that I could get attached like that and then let go.

Much respect dolphin.

Nancy66 · 05/10/2010 22:37

Lord, what a blubfest.

But how fantastic are all the people looking after them? Especially the lady looking after Shannon at the home - can't remember her name. I want her to be my mum - she was lovely!

I fear for big Connor - he's probably 15 now, still full of anger. He's already drinking and doing drugs - and that's only going to get worse. Plus can you imagine the sort of people his mum socialises with?

Little Connor was adorable - and so were his foster family. The sad truth of the matter is that even if they did decide to adopt him they wouldn't be allowed to.

pigletmania · 05/10/2010 22:37

What's the programme called and when is it on, i missed it.

Nancy66 · 05/10/2010 22:38

Kids in Care - just been on BBC1 - was a one off I think

devotion · 05/10/2010 22:39

Manda25 -
"The program made me cry...and I take my hats off to all foster carers."

I totally agree, they are amazing! I could not do it because I would end up adopting every child coming through my door. I just would get too attached, I honestly dont know how they do it. I guess they can detach their own feelings from the situation and think about the childs needs first and how they are helping that child... still... so hard. They are great people.

mamatomany · 05/10/2010 22:39

I think I will look into fostering but not until my own children are out of the family home, I've met somebody who has to foster for financial reasons to keep her house and her own children look traumatised by the whole thing.
it must be so hard to go from neglect to "normal" the children probably don't know what's hit them, terrifying for them :(