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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be horrified at this 'Kids in care' documentary?!

176 replies

TanteAC · 05/10/2010 21:49

Have never posted in AIBU bfore, but would be really interested to hear what you think as I am really astonished at how one social worker is talking to a troubled teen?

Some of them are obviously doing a great job in difficult circumstances, but the man who is dealing with the teenage boy needs to realise how bloody vulnerable and cornered some of these kids must feel!

Am not a social worker or anything which is why I think I may be BU, but saying to a kid who has just looked at his whole family at his mum's wedding when he couldn't go, had only 2 hours with his little sister and then got upset that he couldn't have contact when he wanted that he 'keeps moving the goalposts and asking for more and more' is horrible and not very insightful?!

Of course he is angry and upset - and of course he wants more, he is entitled to want more! Angry Not always possible, and I appreciate the circumstances but frickin' hell!

So - anyone else watching? AIBU to think that this particualer social worker should communicate better with teens he works with and stop making it seem like the child is being unreasonable? Seems like that reaction was inevitable to me...

OP posts:
sb6699 · 05/10/2010 23:05

I gushed at little Connnor's foster sister wanting to keep him.

I heart Jackie.

nancy10 · 05/10/2010 23:05

What I found to be the most heart wrenching thing of all, is despite the fact that Shannon's mother and older Connor's mother being useless parents. all those kids wanted, was to be with them. How can you bring yourself to move on, get married, have another child when you already have a child that you have let down so badly.

BoffinMum · 05/10/2010 23:05

My heart broke watching that programme. Really broke.

I hope to god I don't die and my children end up in the hands of Social Workers, because I was not impressed with what I saw.

Had I been put through all that as a child I would have behaved considerably worse than the kids on the telly tonight.

sb6699 · 05/10/2010 23:05

Oh, and I heart Dolphin too. You're doing a wonderful thing.

41 kids!!!

dolphin13 · 05/10/2010 23:07

Nothing compared to emergancy lady and her 1000 sb6699 that is amazing.

LadyBiscuit · 05/10/2010 23:09

Dolphin - I think you are amazing. Foster carers are not celebrated enough in our society.

Kirk1 · 05/10/2010 23:14

edam, I know how Connor feels, been let down by SS and SW since I was put in care at age 7. I can't watch these programs because I'm in serious danger of smashing the telly. You never really learn to trust properly again and if the lad is a teen I'm afraid they've already done the damage. I was luck in my foster family so there were some adults I learned to trust. My first SW was lovely but the rest of them were a complete waste of space. (I had 4, or 5 altogether between age 10 and 18)

ChippingIn · 05/10/2010 23:15

Dolphin - I take my hat off to you! I would happily adopt, but I just couldn't be a foster parent, I'm too emotional and wouldn't be able to give them back. I'm glad there are lovely people like you who are able to be less selfish and foster these kids. I hope FD turns up soon!

I think the thing with little Connor's foster parents is that they didn't set out to adopt, they want to offer foster care to lots of children and as the Dad said 'It's not what we signed up for'. Their girls are getting bigger and they aren't really up for having another teenager in 10 years time - which is understandable.

Kirk1 · 05/10/2010 23:18

Second the opinion on Foster carers. Like I told someone in the high street the other week, you have to be a saint to do that job. I know I couldn't do it.

ChippingIn · 05/10/2010 23:18

Kirk - I hope you don't mind me asking - but how old are you now?

BoffinMum - haven't you got people set up to have your DC if anything happened to you?

Kirk1 · 05/10/2010 23:24

35 in two weeks time, with 2 DC of my own :) My useless mother who walked out when I was 6 has as little to do with them as possible, and I've given up trying to involve her. My useless father who send me into care because his useless new wife couldn't cope with me is a little better but still useless (the kids have at least seen him in the last year...) Gran and Grandad are my foster parents. It's going to be fun explaining this family set-up when they get old enough to be curious about it....

LadyBiscuit · 05/10/2010 23:25

ChippingIn - I know you didn't ask me but it is something that really concerns me. I am a single parent by choice and my sister and her husband are named as his guardians if anything happens to me. But since I made that, my sister has been diagnosed with a life limiting illness so I'm really not sure what to do now.

Sorry entirely off topic - I should probably start a thread as I really am at a bit of a loss

ChippingIn · 05/10/2010 23:35

Kirk - I am suprised you speak to your parents tbh, let alone let them have anything to do with your kids. They should consider themselves bloody lucky!! It's lovely that your FP's are G&G to your kids :) (Do I 'know' you - have you namechanged??)

LB - How is your sister doing? It's been a while since you last talked about her (well, on any thread I've been on). Have you decided what to get her for Christmas yet? I think that you need to change your guardians unless you and your BIL would be happy for him to do it on his own. You have to consider (I'm sorry to say this....) what he will do when he loses your sister :( Is he young? Will he want a family with someone else? Will he want the responsibility of your children? I don't know what other family you have? Or friends? I have 7 children that I am responsible for (spread over 4 families fortunately!!) I call them my 'God children' as it's the easiest 'title' but isn't right as none of us are religious and the DC's haven't been christened! They are all friends children. I'm sorry you have to rethink this :(

Kirk1 · 05/10/2010 23:44

I haven't namechanged, I lurk I rarely post :) I think I may have mentioned the circumstances of my childhood on a recent thread.

I made a decision that I wanted my parents involved in my life when I was a teenager and actually religious I forgave them. They are after all, only human. My Father is utterly useless and I wouldn't trust him to look after the kids, but he is a lovely man really. It's hard to stay angry with him!

My Mother had to leave the situation she was in for her own mental health, I just wish she'd had the guts to stand up to the bugger and take her children with her! Still, can't change the past. DH is trying to drag me away now, he's trying to save me from getting too emotional about this so I'll say goodnight. :)

LadyBiscuit · 05/10/2010 23:45

CI - oh god I don't know. My sister is doing quite well at the moment ut I am going to have to rethink things. I do have another sister but she is older and we aren't that close. I doubt my BIL will have any more children - he's 41 now and their DS is 10. I will help them both out when the time comes obviously but who knows when that will be. I am hoping she will still be around for a few more years but none of us know. And I have no idea what I'm going to get her for christmas!

Thank you for asking - it's very kind of you (and apologies to everyone else for going way off topic here).

lisad123isgoingcrazy · 05/10/2010 23:46

I sobbed pretty much the whole way though. I hope little Conoor gets to stay with his family (I think he will), and big Connor gets some hold on that anger. That 21 year old social worker was doing his best and it must have taken a lot to go back to see Connor after he attacked him, trust me its effects you more than you think it will :(

One thing it made me reliase is how much I miss my job and working with the kids, I want to go back now Confused

The only thing I was angry at was the missed contacts with Connor and his mum, very poor planning by SW that he missed 3 contact visits, poor lad.

FlookCrow · 05/10/2010 23:51

I couldn't watch it and turned off after 20 minutes :( I felt the SW, whilst they did their best, catered to the kids a lot. I understand it's important to gain trust but the children didn't seem to have many boundaries.

It'll be interesting to see if they ever manage to lead "normal" lives.

ChippingIn · 06/10/2010 00:09

Kirk - yes I remember now! Sorry. You are a lovely, forgiving person!! Your husband is a wise man :) Night x

LB - it's great news that your DSis is doing well :) Long may it last x I think it's too much for your BIL to have this responsibility as well, imagine if something happened to you now, he would have your DSis, their DS and your DC to look after, when your sister isn't doing so well - that's a big ask :( You are lovely, I am sure you must have friends who would be happy to do this for you?? If not, then it will have to be your older sister really wont it. Don't leave it to SS to sort out.

Olifin · 06/10/2010 00:41

I watched it and it made me blub a lot.

I'm with Shannon: 'The world needs more mad Jackies'

(and Bettys and Marks and....)

I warmed to big Connor too. How desperately sad that he feels that being in the care home makes him 'just a name on a piece of paper, waiting to get out' and that he can't wait to discharge himself as soon as he hits 16. Like an earlier poster, I was really struck by the fact that all the older children wanted was to be with their own (inadequate) parents.

But I felt just as sad for Shannon's mum as I did for Shannon herself. She had grown up in the care system herself. It's all very well to say she 'should have broken the cycle' but I don't imagine it's as easy as all that. Who's to say that Shannon will break the cycle? There's every chance she won't (though I hope she does, of course).

A very thought-provoking programme. It makes me want to be a foster carer though I don't imagine for one minute that I could hack it.

jameelaq · 06/10/2010 01:03

All very sad and depressing. My neighbour fosters two girls, and mentioned to me that she would be watching it tonight but I said that I couldn't because it was too painful. All respect to people like her who take up these appallingly treated people and try and give them love and a home. Unbelievable an incestuous family that raped the children from the age of three. I just can't get it.
Well, I understand the psychology but on a spiritual/moral level the horror just bowls me over

storminabuttercup · 06/10/2010 08:18

Just a thought, Connor's social worker was 21, how do we know what life experience he has to be able to deal with this? Social work to me isnt a job, its a life choice, i thought he was doing Fab in a very dificult situation.

As for the police involvement, it HAS to happen, it was criminal damage which is a crime. If you saw at the end the charges were dropped, but it has to be reported.

I too hope little connor gets adopted by his foster carers, but maybe it isnt all that simple.

Thats the problem with these type of programmes its all a little 'fluffy' round the edges, an hour just isnt enough time to tell a full story

4andnotout · 06/10/2010 08:31

I think I will watch it on iplayer as I didn't want to watch it at first as my parents foster and I thought some of it may be too close to home iyswim? Sounds as if it was quite a good programme though.

Merrylegs · 06/10/2010 08:46

It would seem to be a lovely happy ending, little Conner being adopted by his Foster Family, and it is clear that they love him.

But it is because they love him that they want more for him.

With his already failed adoption and experience of multiple foster care at such a young age, it is highly likely he is going to struggle during his teenage years.

His foster parents have to think of the impact on the whole family - their other kids, their age.

They want Connor to find a forever home with parents who are better placed to cope with troubled teenage years.

As the foster mum said, that's not what we planned for our later years.

Also, they will get an income from Connor. Perhaps she likes her job and wants to carry on with it. Adopting Conner would affect that for a while.

I think the younger social worker probably was a bit out of his depth but he did care for big Conner. The state are 'Corporate Parents'. They are having to do a good enough job in lieu of the useless parents these kids have. It's always going to be difficult.

Of course these kids would rather be with their parents - and there is nothing the state would like better than for this to be the case. It costs £100,000 a year to keep a kid in a care home. But until the useless parents Get Their Act Together, what are the state supposed to do?

On Shannon's big day - meeting her new foster family, her mum wasn't there because she had jumped bail and was now in prison. Who is really letting these kids down?

piscesmoon · 06/10/2010 08:47

I think that the dark haired social worker said 40 yrs-maybe it wasn't. What was for sure was that she started in the job before the youngerer social worker was born! No wonder she was better-she wouldn't have been so good at 21yrs-she learned on the job.

'i agree LadyBiscuit... i think they love this little boy and his adoptive sisters too... i dotn see it a problem - they just look like THEY can give him everything he needs whicj is all that love - so want this little boy to be happy x'

I think that people are seriously missing the point here! The family discussed it. They were thinking of the future. In 2 years the eldest girl would have most likely left home, in 5 years both girls would have left home. Connor would have been a teenager (quite possibly a difficult one as early life expereinces are difficult to shake off) and he would have been alone with elderly parents.
It is very important not to just get sentimental-it isn't in the interests of the child. It is rather like people taking on a sweet puppy and then not wanting the mature dog and the responsibility. You have to think of the long term. The family had not gone into fostering to be long term parents. I think they were very sensible to use their heads not their hearts. If Connor doesn't find a proper family then maybe they would think again but they were thinking of his best, long term interests.

nymphadora · 06/10/2010 08:49

Mamatomy- some point in the last 10 years the SW training age changed. I think it was when it changed from a 3 year DipSW with bursary to a degree. I was looking at doing it when I was 21 and didn't due to pg and couldn't afford to as a degree.