to be horrified at this 'Kids in care' documentary?!

[TanteAC]

Have never posted in AIBU bfore, but would be really interested to hear what you think as I am really astonished at how one social worker is talking to a troubled teen?

Some of them are obviously doing a great job in difficult circumstances, but the man who is dealing with the teenage boy needs to realise how bloody vulnerable and cornered some of these kids must feel!

Am not a social worker or anything which is why I think I may be BU, but saying to a kid who has just looked at his whole family at his mum's wedding when he couldn't go, had only 2 hours with his little sister and then got upset that he couldn't have contact when he wanted that he 'keeps moving the goalposts and asking for more and more' is horrible and not very insightful?!

Of course he is angry and upset - and of course he wants more, he is entitled to want more! Not always possible, and I appreciate the circumstances but frickin' hell!

So - anyone else watching? AIBU to think that this particualer social worker should communicate better with teens he works with and stop making it seem like the child is being unreasonable? Seems like that reaction was inevitable to me...

I wanted to chuck the "How to talk..." book at the young sw. He did not listen to or acknowledge big Connor's feelings at all. I really felt Connor's frustration. He should definitely not have been asigned that case.

agree with pisces re: LC.

I couldn't believe that 21 y/o SW. "You don't realise how upset I am " etc. etc. - made it all about him. Made himself the victim.

And I couldn't believe there was only 3 emergency foster carers in one whole city! Seeing those children being taken back away again just with a few things in carrier bags made my heart bleed :( And poor little Connor.

It was quite enlightening as a Secondary school teacher: it gave me a deeper understanding of why our looked-after students are often so bloody angry.

Just a minor point...(mad) Jackie at The Grange is, I think, a care worker, rather than a social worker. Fantastic woman, either way!

I felt that the young social worker's hands were tied to a certain point. It must have been his first job and Connor was possibly his first case. He would have been closely supervised. He was having to pass on a message that he knew that Connor wouldn't like-and in front of a TV crew-if you are worried then you don't handle it well. I don't suppose that it was his choice to involve the police. He was very young, and he was in tears at one point where he asked them to stop filming. I think that anyone filmed in their first job like that is very vulnerable, especially when it is so emotional.
People shouldn't underestimate how badly damaged these children are and love isn't enough to cure it. As a teacher I have dealt with a lot of damaged children. On a one to one they have been lovely but they can be a nightmare in the classroom-with no warning.
Shannon was a lovely girl, but I wouldn't want to have the day to day care of her-she would be hard work-especially on days that you 'get it wrong'.

I think that Jackie was a care worker-but I'm sure that if she had been filmed at 21yrs people would have formed a different impression-she just has a wealth of experience. If the younger one is still in the job in 20yrs time he will probably look back at it and cringe. He has to start somewhere and at least he cared-it wasn't just 'a job'.

Shortage of FC is v commmon. My county is v large geographically and small population wise so a placement breakdown/emergency placement can be up to 3 hours from the previous home.

pieces - I agree with you.
I was a lawyer repping kids in care for years, and if you'd have filmed me in those early stages, I'd have been floundering.
Ditto, when we took in our forst foster child.

It takes years to work out how to deal with things, and even then, you get it wrong.

Sitting in judgement from the comfort of a sofa seems rather self indulgent to me.

fantastic blog about the failings of the care system here

winstonsmith33.blogspot.com/

The most recent post is a letter written by my husband. The events leading to us asking him to be removed from our home included violence, drug taking and sexually abusing his two younger male siblings and a male cousin. We thought that two weeks in care would make him realise how much we loved him and how desperately we wanted him to get the help he needed. Alas you can see what situation we are in now.

Hope to God this name change has worked.

Interesting thread - I must admit I thought that Conner's social worker had got it completely wrong too when I watched it. But have such admiration for people working with these kids (including my DP) and I know that this was just a snapshot of what goes on.

I wanted to see more of the horse-riding boy. He seemed like a real success story but didn't get much screen time.

So newname although this child was already violent, taking drugs and abusing others when you decided you couldn't cope. You feel it is fair to blame the care system for the young persons subsequent behaviour on being abandoned by his family.
FFS, I will come back to this thread later when I have calmed down and can discuss this in a rational manner.

Polly, success stories don't make such good television. I would expect they find the worst cases to look at, and the ones that tug heat-strings the most. Can you tell I have a jaded view of these "Documentary" series...

Wow, newname - what a horrific story. Poor you and the other members of your family. And no happy ending in sight, by the look of it?

I thought that the 21 year old worker was doing OK, considering his young age. As for making himself the victim - he was the victim of a violent attack, and however likeable Connor is, and however understandable his anger, he has to understand that when he lashes out, he effects others. It will do him no favours to come out of care thinking that he can be violent with no consequences.

Dolphin he was violent but attending school every day. He took drugs but was home every night. He sexually abused his siblings but was functioning as a person, being able to get himself up every day, washed and off to school.

He had a diagnosis of ADHD and was on medication which helped. The day he left home he was told he didn't have to take it if he didn't want to and has never taken his medication since. All contact with CAMHS stopped.

We struggled for years to get our DS the help he needed. Even after all he did and has done he still has our unending support and love.

The care system gives young people no responsibilty for how they behave. They are constantly told no-one can make them do anything and this is reinforced every time they don't fancy going to school, or coming home.

Grandhigh - but he didn't consider the entirely predictable and justifiable reasons for Connor's anger on this occasion. Any child would be angry if no-one could be bothered to take them to see their mother for three months, missing four visits. He had been let down, very badly, repeatedly, and then the SW turns up and says 'good news! We are going to let you see your Mum but you'll have to wait until someone takes you'. Of course Connor was angry. The SW was telling Connor about HIS feelings but not considering Connor's. If he'd thought about how this decision was going to affect Connor, he'd have realised it needed a different approach.

I'm sure the guy will reflect on the experience and I'm sure he's a caring SW. But I hope SS demonstrate to Connor in future that they can be trusted to act in his best interests.

All this stuff about 'they are young, they will learn' is true about any profession but it's not terribly good for children in care to be guinea pigs for poorly-trained SWs. Experience can only be learned on the job, but you'd hope the trainers would prepare them a little more thoroughly and help them see how their decisions affect children and how the children are likely to react.

Very thought-provoking programme. Although I thought all the social workers came across pretty well, as doing the best they can in a really difficult situation. I'm slightly bewildered at the opinions against them, particularly Connor's SW here .

Oh, and btw, my sister was working in social care at the same age as Connor's SW and she was far more switched on to her client's feelings and needs. You don't need a degree to do that, you need an ounce of common sense and an interest in what makes people tick. And some decent training if you don't bring those skills to the job in the first place.

My sister later went into nursing as she was so frustrated by the way people are treated in social care and the attitudes to vulnerable clients among some of her colleagues that went unchallenged.

Different field from this SW and her clients suffer from much more discrimination. Of course the people working with them are human and suffer from the same prejudices as anyone else but you'd think they'd have decent training which would enable them to be professional and leave those attitudes at the door. Sadly not, in all too many cases.

Newname - I think your home life must have been pretty bloody awful before you placed him in care, especially that of your two younger boys, however, why did you think that putting him into the care system would help him? I'm really sorry, but I think the ending was fairly predictable :(

That is true newname it's something I struggle with every day myself. That is down to our ridiculous human rights laws not the working of the care system. Believe me I and most other carers would love to have the right to put consequences in place for inappropriate behaviours. We are not allowed to stop pocket money or refuse to let them leave the home if they want to. All we can do is counsel the children and hope that something we say will get through to them.

While I do sympathise with your situation I think you are being very unfair to have expected strangers to succeed where you couldn't. The care system isn't there to take over and put things right when loving parents can't cope. It's primary function is to provide care for children who don't have anyone suitable to care for them.

T

I felt very sorry for Connor, he looked like he was in such pain and you could see that having to leave one of the residences because of the age limit had obviously affected him badly not to mention the three visits he'd been denied to see his mother because there was noone to take him. I didn't end up watching the end but it's very sad that they prosecuted him for the car, it was an understandable reaction to his situation.

Dolphin and Chippingin, the benefit of hindshight is a wonderful thing. We were very, very naive about what we hoped to achieve.

We hoped that it would give our DS a quick, sharp shock about the realities of life and he'd be home two weeks later a changed boy.

We wanted him to suddenly realise how lucky he was to have two parents who loved him, a lovely home and amazing opportunities ahead of him.

Obviously we never anticipated what would happen to him within a matter of days.

I still hope he will change, and we give him many chances to do so.

'Sitting in judgement from the comfort of a sofa seems rather self indulgent to me.'

It isn't the same when you have to deal with it. I have had a very sweet (at times) 7 yr old hurl things around the classroom and, while I have complete understanding of why he did it, you have to put the welfare of the other DCs first. I have had an 10 yr old wanting to stab himself with a pair of scissors -again completely understandable- but I was trying to teach Maths to 30 DCs at the time. No one should underestimate how difficult these children are to deal with-or even how unpredictable-what works one day won't work another.
Connor's mother was the main one at fault. Before she planned her wedding she needed to agree a date with the SWs.

I think big Connor's social worker was very young and inexperienced - but this is a profession that is really struggling to recruit.

However you could see he really did care about the lad and Connor did say at one point how great he had been to him.

Newname - I can see you've had an horrendous ordeal but I think to blame the system is wrong. You say yourself that your son was violent, sexually abusive and a drug user long before they got involved. You expected them to 'cure' him and they didn't.

newmname yes you were naive but it also sounds as if you were not given enough information about the environment you were putting your son into. Residential homes are full of extremely difficult children. A child of your sons age was bound to give in to peer pressure. As we saw in the programme they have some amazing workers but their hands are very much tied when it comes to disciplining the children.

I really hope things work out for you. Is your son getting any form of therapy?.

Maybe his mother did arrange it with them but when it came to it there weren't the two staff available to take him? It's pretty resource intensive to have two staff occupied for the whole day taking a child on a visit. And as we know SW is an area where there are not enough people and high absence levels.