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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be horrified at this 'Kids in care' documentary?!

176 replies

TanteAC · 05/10/2010 21:49

Have never posted in AIBU bfore, but would be really interested to hear what you think as I am really astonished at how one social worker is talking to a troubled teen?

Some of them are obviously doing a great job in difficult circumstances, but the man who is dealing with the teenage boy needs to realise how bloody vulnerable and cornered some of these kids must feel!

Am not a social worker or anything which is why I think I may be BU, but saying to a kid who has just looked at his whole family at his mum's wedding when he couldn't go, had only 2 hours with his little sister and then got upset that he couldn't have contact when he wanted that he 'keeps moving the goalposts and asking for more and more' is horrible and not very insightful?!

Of course he is angry and upset - and of course he wants more, he is entitled to want more! Angry Not always possible, and I appreciate the circumstances but frickin' hell!

So - anyone else watching? AIBU to think that this particualer social worker should communicate better with teens he works with and stop making it seem like the child is being unreasonable? Seems like that reaction was inevitable to me...

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 05/10/2010 22:39

Nancy - she was called Jackie. She was lovely wasn't she?

I have been thinking about fostering too and while this scared the shit out of me in terms of it being so hard, it also made me think it's something I really should try to do if I can. So many children who need so much love ...

piscesmoon · 05/10/2010 22:41

You have to remember that the lovely lady with Shannon had been in the job for 40yrs-I expect she made a lot of mistakes at the beginning! 21yrs was young, but that is 3 yrs at university and his first job-teachers, nurses, policemen etc are in their first job at that age. The real training begins when they start work.It is chicken and egg-they can't be good without experience and until they have experience they will get it wrong.

spikeycow · 05/10/2010 22:41

I'd love to foster but they wouldn't let me for various reasons. I really took to big Connor

mummylin2495 · 05/10/2010 22:43

It was a very sad programme,but im not surprised that Connor[ teenage one ] was one angry young man ,he had been in so many different places to live.what an awful way to spend your young years.The SW,s were trying their best but nothing is going to make up for all of those children not having a proper family life.Its very very sad.I too hope that the other family will adopt the little Connor.he will be so upset if he has to leave his "family"

dolphin13 · 05/10/2010 22:43

Why wouldn't they be allowed to adopt him nancy66 I think they would.

omnishambles if it's right for you please go ahead with the fostering we have never regreted it for one second. This is from the woman who is spending a second pretty much sleepless night worrying about where our FC is sleeping tonight Sad. In 6 months time though her life could maybe be turned around so it will be worth it.

pigletmania · 05/10/2010 22:45

Oh thanks Nancy, i will BBC i player it. dame i missed it.

Nancy66 · 05/10/2010 22:46

Dolphin - I think they would probably consider the parents to be too old and they would prefer him to go to a family with younger children.

Plus, social services actively discourage foster parents who want to adopt.

RipMacWinkle · 05/10/2010 22:47

This has just started on BBC Scotland.

If you have cable/sky you might have that channel?

Sinkingfeeling · 05/10/2010 22:47

I watched this too - my sister and her dh have been foster parents for the last 2 years (have 3 young dc of their own). I take my hat off to them even more now.

OTTMummA · 05/10/2010 22:48

Me too spikeycow,
I am frankly fuming for him, wish i could foster,( am bit young to atm ).
All they need is someone whos going to be honset, but can appreciate and empathise from their POV.
Care is supposed to be just like living in a normal home etc, ( what i was always told ), but they go about things in such a cocked up way they seem to mess it up more than get it right.

On a lighter note, why is every 2nd SW called SUE!?

ChippingIn · 05/10/2010 22:50

Pisces - are you talking about the dark haired woman who took Shannon to her new house?? Are you sure she's been in the job 40 years, she didn't look old enough?

Nancy66 - are you sure about that? (Little Connors FF not being able to adopt him). Why not?

Dolphin - I hope you don't mind me asking, but your DD, how old was she when you fostered her and how old when you adopted her? How many foster children have you had with you?

Hassled · 05/10/2010 22:52

Big Connor's SW was SO bloody young, though - I couldn't have begun to deal with the stuff he was dealing with at his age. I think he did well - a caring, kind man who didn't walk away when he could have.

It was an amazing programme - really educated me.

dolphin13 · 05/10/2010 22:52

Think it must depend on the LA nancy. We adopted one of ours she is 3 with no problems I am nearly 50. I know loads of FCs who have adopted. Sometimes SS will argue against the adoption but courts will usually rule in favour of the child staying where they are if the placement is stable.
I really hope they do keep him.

roodey · 05/10/2010 22:53

i wish little conor could stay with his foster family they obviously love him and he dearly loves them - i want to give him a big hug xxx

spikeycow · 05/10/2010 22:55

I agree he tried. But you have to realise how teenagers think and how they react to authority. Connor had felt betrayed many times and they did it again. Poor kid.

thefirstmrsDeVere · 05/10/2010 22:55

I think little connor's FC would probably be allowed to adopt him. I dont know how old they were but they didnt look older than 43 and he is three therefore they are not more than 40 years older than him.
He has been moved a few times AND has had a failed adoption. He would be classed as hard to place.
He is getting older and its pretty unlikely he will get adopted. I would think the LA would look favourably on an adoption aplication from the FC.

But if the adopted him his foster mum would have to stop working as a fc and wouldnt be able to do any other work for some time. She would obviously lose her fc allowance for the little lad.

Can they afford to start all over again?

Original poster
TanteAC · 05/10/2010 22:57

You have to remember that the lovely lady with Shannon had been in the job for 40yrs-I expect she made a lot of mistakes at the beginning! 21yrs was young, but that is 3 yrs at university and his first job-teachers, nurses, policemen etc are in their first job at that age. The real training begins when they start work.It is chicken and egg-they can't be good without experience and until they have experience they will get it wrong.

Interesting point, and exactly why I thought I was possibly BU - like I say, work with teens myself and you learn a lot from your own mistakes/previous practice

I suppose I was wondering what kind of training there is for actually talking to FC, not just all the hard work of figuring out the cases/risks/carers, etc.
What a job - hats off to all you involved Smile

OP posts:
edam · 05/10/2010 22:57

agree Connor's SW got it badly wrong. SS had let Connor down repeatedly - three visits to his Mum cancelled because no-one was able to take him, four months without seeing his family - and then the SW expects unbridled joy when he says 'yes, you can see your Mum but only if someone can take you'? Of course the boy blew up. He knows from experience that he can't trust SWs to deliver on their promises (and presumably he hasn't been able to trust many adults in his life, given he's in care).

I understand we only saw a snapshot of Connor's behaviour but this in this instance SS treated him very badly and the SW didn't seem to appreciate that at all.

dolphin13 · 05/10/2010 22:57

chipping cross post there.
We have fostered 41 children in 6 years. We have 3 of our own (including adopted DD).

We also have two long term FC and a teenage girl who we are fostering short term.
DD was 3 days old when she came to us she's 3 now.

LadyBiscuit · 05/10/2010 22:57

When little connor's foster mum was talking about the fact that her DH would be 62 when connor was 16, I was thinking about the woman on the stopping train thread (if anyone else has read it) who is 42, has a husband of 62 and they have a 5 year old! So really not beyond the realms.

I know people who foster who have adopted some of the children. Not because they really want to adopt but because they have fallen in love with a particular child or that a child has nowhere else to go. They are amazing foster parents.

ChippingIn · 05/10/2010 23:00

TFMD The Dad is 50, not sure about the Mum.

roodey · 05/10/2010 23:01

i agree LadyBiscuit... i think they love this little boy and his adoptive sisters too... i dotn see it a problem - they just look like THEY can give him everything he needs whicj is all that love - so want this little boy to be happy x

sumum · 05/10/2010 23:02

I think it's easy to say little connor should stay and be adopted by his carers, it would tie up the loose ends nicely for everyone watching, however there are still hundreds of other little 'connors' up and down the country wiating for adopters, the foster carers can't adopt them all otherwise there would be no foster carers left, they would all be adopters.

We need more adopters to give permenant loveing homes.

And i thought the sw was doing a good job, he was visiting and communicating with his children, and that goes a long way.

MrsMorgan · 05/10/2010 23:03

Little Connor's foster dad must have been 50, because the foster mum said when he was 12, the dad would be 62, and could they cope with a teen then.

roodey · 05/10/2010 23:04

true sumum i just melted though when i saw him and how happy he is with them.