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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to storm out of family dinner...

250 replies

lecohen · 26/09/2010 23:55

Long story short, my niece bit my daughter in the face, hub and I shout at her to stop and we get an earful for shouting...niece gets no discipline, my child no sympathy.

OP posts:
Original poster
lecohen · 27/09/2010 15:53

and to be honest, I could do without the drama!

OP posts:
chaya5738 · 27/09/2010 15:56

Something doesn't sound quite right about this story.

You say that you only shouted to prevent imminent danger to your daughter. If my daughter was going to be physically harmed I would run across the room to remove her from the situation not shout across the room. And it is sort of odd to be leaving your child that far away from you with a child you know is prone to biting.

And then you seem to advocate shouting generally.

Yes, two year olds can learn appropriate behaviour. But not by shouting. By talking calmly and firmly with them, and removing them from the situation. Many many many times. Not by shouting at them and scaring them.

thesecondcoming · 27/09/2010 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lecohen · 27/09/2010 15:59

READ BACK IF YOU CARE...

there was a huge table stretched across the room (small room)...my hub and I were other side of table and could not actually pass across to physically intercept if that is what you mean?

Family in front had their backs to the kids whilst only me and hub were watching from where we were sat.

Actually, i feel that it is ridiculous that I even need to explain this...pathetic really!

And like someone said below (thanks to whoever it was)...keep it in perspective, it was a shout to startle and stop the biting...nothing more was said and I took no further action other than to console my crying child!

OP posts:
Original poster
lecohen · 27/09/2010 16:02

yes thesecondcoming...I really did walk into a nerd reunion here!

There have been some fair points made to me that I can accept but biy has things been taken out of context...I wonder if peopel visit these threads to inflame!

OP posts:
chaya5738 · 27/09/2010 16:05

Why are you posting then if you are so sure you are right and that there is no other side to how you view the situation?

Original poster
lecohen · 27/09/2010 16:05

please can someone tell me where I have advocated shouting? I advocate discipline and instilling good behaviours!

I get the feeling that some of you are too egotistical to accept that someone can tell your kids off for a bad behaviour!

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 27/09/2010 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chaya5738 · 27/09/2010 16:09

I guess the thing is that I don't really see the point in "telling a kid off" if it is just to punish them for bad behaviour. The aim is to teach them not to do it again and in that respect i don't think shouting and scaring children works. Of course, if shouting is necessary to prevent serious harm that is another matter.

chaya5738 · 27/09/2010 16:09

ps: I am a nerd and proud of it :)

5DollarShake · 27/09/2010 16:10

Chaya - come on, what is she supposed to do - shadow her DD for the entire time she is at her brother's in case her niece gets her knashers out?!

Who does this?? Confused

QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2010 16:11

So you have one dd who is 15 months old, and one dd who will be 2 in December?

How did you manage that?

Original poster
lecohen · 27/09/2010 16:14

Quin? I have a 4 yr old and a nearly 2 yr ol...my niece is 2...read back if you care to do so!

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2010 16:17

Sorry, my mistake, mumof2childrens dd is 15 months old. Got mixed up here for a moment.

spikeycow · 27/09/2010 16:20

Why are people saying YABU??!! The parents didn't step in so the OP did. Or is everyone just supposed to stand there gormless.
Everything thesecondcoming said.

spikeycow · 27/09/2010 16:22

Bottom line is the sweetiedarlings whose parents can't be bothered to tell them off come across terribly, and will be disliked throughout their childhood.
Part of parenting is teaching right from wrong.

otchayaniye · 27/09/2010 16:42

Surely (remembering a long pissed conversation with a psychologist friend) young children learn right from wrong more effectively by removal/calm explanation and a two-way talk about the issue, than by being berated and punished? There is a misconception that people who don't visibly and audibly 'tell a child off' in a required manner aren't bothered to parent.

Also, young toddlers do not have the understanding of an older child, but they are sensitive to emotions and crucially, they learn greatly from the behaviour of family and friends.

So what did those two little children learn on that unpleasant, albeit very common incident? That the adults sink to recriminations or huff off.

juuule · 27/09/2010 16:46

"Chaya - come on, what is she supposed to do - shadow her DD for the entire time she is at her brother's in case her niece gets her knashers out?!"

Why not? Given that the niece has a history of biting, I would.

thesecondcoming · 27/09/2010 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrightLightBrightLight · 27/09/2010 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissHissyFit · 27/09/2010 17:07

I wouldn't have sat away from my DS at aged 2. I do understand that someone seems to have thought to put all the kids together, and in the normal run of things, that may be OK, but now there is history, until these parents watch their daughter like a hawk to stop her biting, then lecohen, you are going to have to be more vigilant, and not let your DD too far away from you.

Don't suppose you could sit them down and say, this is a phase, many kids go through it, and come out the other side in no time at all, but in the meantime, your daughter has been bitten. and rightfully you are not happy for this to happen again. Could they keep their DD on a closer watch from now on?

Original poster
lecohen · 27/09/2010 17:12

kids had wandered off the table but were still in the room with us...I was watching them (hence reacting) but the others had their backs turned.

The kids do gravitate towards each other...despite all the biting my DD still wants to be with her and I do not want to make her extra fearful or separate them too much.

They were being watched closely by me and hub...not so closely by the others.

OP posts:
DeidreBarlow · 27/09/2010 17:14

I'm reading this with interest...I have a soon-to-be-2 DS and yes he can be a biter. Its awful, I follow him round everywhere at playgroups in case he goes for a bite. I have tried taking to him, focus on the harmed child etc. He knows he is wrong (I thinkHmm) but he might well do it again.

You were silly to 'storm out' of a family dinner but equally the parent of the biter should have done something. But IME shouting doesn't work, just tends to startle every other child in the vicinity!

pearlym · 27/09/2010 17:16

Late entrant here
I think it is OK to tell off someone else's child if the parent is not doing it and if it actaully interferes with yuor child. In the circs as shout sounds to have been OK, if someone did the shuot to my kid, I would investigate what had happened and if what had happened wa as per the OP, would tell off my biting child - but still comfot and would get her to apologise to the bitten child to reinforce,

WE are all human and maybe a shuot was not the best thing, but as a warning to get child to stop sounds OK.

Original poster
lecohen · 27/09/2010 17:17

quoting myself:

lecohen Mon 27-Sep-10 15:31:32
Yes hubby and I did shout together (UNPLANNED) for niece to stop...I am in no way sorry for that - I am glad we did it as we were able to prevent serious damage to our DD.

Niece was not a bag of nerves for it, she stopped immediately and confidently - she is NOT a meek child that gets upset by a telling off!

It did startle her to stop but that was it - there was no fear at all! I can say that confidently!

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