AIBU to storm out of family dinner...

[lecohen]

Long story short, my niece bit my daughter in the face, hub and I shout at her to stop and we get an earful for shouting...niece gets no discipline, my child no sympathy.

yanbu AT ALL. I would have told the child off myself. Then for the safety of my child i would be keeping my lo away until the child grows out of it

and for those who keep missing the point...I didn't storm out in a huff for the biting incident (I understand that and have experienced it with DD1) but for the reaction to me for raising my voice rather than the reaction to discipline the child (either in front of me or otherwise in any way whatsoever)

and then the absurd assertion that it did in fact not happen...not on as far as I am concerned! I saw it!

Cant see the problem with the shouting in a situation where a child is being hurt and you want it to stop. That's what shouting is for.

reposting this link:

www.kidsgrowth.com/resources/articledetail.cfm?id=244

Lecohen, I don't think anyone here thinks biting is okay, or shouldn't be swiftly dealt with, but thanks for the link, it was interesting.

Both mine have been through biting phases, and I have always dealt with it immediately and firmly and neither of them do it now. My immediate raection was to the dual shouting, but do accept that it was an instinctive reaction to try and stop a threat to your child - I actually hadn't realised that there was a table between you and the kids.

For the record I do believe my DS understands the difference between right and wrong when I tell him, what I think however, is that he won't necessarily remember - not quite the same thing, and hence the repetitious approach. I also have no problem with friends and family stepping in if they think necessary, if my children are doing something dangerous or anti-social. I just wonder if you came across a little stronger than you intended for them to react by shouting at you?

I'm actually not unsympathetic to you, but should point out that any sympathy may wane a bit if you insist on referring to me or the others as part of a Nerd Convention - not nice!

After shouting at the child to stop and it being effective I'd feel pleased

If I was then shouted at by the mother I'd have been veyr firm about my request for them to step up to the mark and to be a bloody parent rather than a sap

so I think you are in the right

ROFL at the never shout or reprimand a toddler brigade - I know those kind of kids (shudders)

sorry, no offence intended by use of the word "nerd"...i feel as though some responses are unrealistic in the expectation to softly say stop or please do not bite my child... I take biting and hurting very seriously!

No worries lecohen, and you are right to take it seriously. I do think you really need to sit down with your family though and tell them how you feel - hopefully you can sort things out, as the bottom line is that you share a family of children that you all love - would be so sad if it all fell apart over a difference of opinion that you can (hopefully) all work round?

At the end of the day, it's not your niece's fault and you do love her and your DD very much.

They were being watched closely by me and hub...not so closely by the others.

I think you genuinely did all you can, you need to impress to the parents to keep their DC closer to them to make sure this doesn't happen again, it really isn't acceptable. even if it is a normal phase of childhood.

Hope it all goes well lecohen, i feel for you.

My ds was scratched in the face by a large child. I wasnt there - H was - and not watching.

Mind you, the next timeH took him back there, he found DS giving same child a healthy whack back....

Firstly I have to say the attacking NL is a bit shes an intelligent poster often having great advice.

In this case tho I don't agree with her wholly. Shes right that children of 2 who go through a biting stage often do so at about 2 yo. Its because they are usually cognitivley more able than lierally and orally.

I think 'ahhh stop' is probably a reasonable reaction, probably a gut reaction, and it seems a bit strange that family reacted so badly to you. (makes me think theres nore to this tbh).

If it happens again I would make a huge fuss over your DD, cudddles/songs etc BUT just be prepared for the day its bites you on the arse and your DD does it.

How did you feel when your DD1 bit?? You can feel guilty as a parent that your child behaved that way (some kinda of failure feeling) and that makes you defensive too.

I think fwiw the way you delt with DD1 biting sounds great and that if DD2 does it you will deal with it fine.

thanks for your comment...FWIW though I did NOT attack NL as you put it, I am not the only one who saw some of her remarks as overly aggressive.

Anyway, thank you everyone for taking the time to respond.

oh sorry, to answer your question about how I reacted to DD1's behaviour.

The first times it happened, we tried to remain calm and teach her it is not acceptable. She did understand but would often need to be reminded.

Several times she drew blood and we realised that we were not being severe enough with her and upped our punishment, stronger telling off with a consequence - removal from room, put in corner or simply not being included with the other child's play.

We always made her apologise and offer a hug or a gift of some sort - a treat or toy.

It was not pleasant for us and it was extremely embarassing even though we accepted it as a developmental phase (and there were certain triggers we identified as well).

As I said below, I do not accept children hurting one another and feel they are never too young to be educated on it (age appropriately).

When DD2 was born we could not leave them alone at all because she was still demonstrating these unwelcome behaviours but we did work very hard with her CONSISTENTLY and we were happy to see the decline and eventually her full realisation that there are consequences to bad behaviour and that hurting others is not nice.

My other SIL used to discipline too if she saw it and I didn't and I was never so egotistical or proud to say that she couldn't discipline my child, she was only reinforcing the teachings that we were trying to instil in her.

If DD2 displays these kind of behaviours (less likely though as VERY different natures), I will deal with accordingly and will never ever find it acceptable for my child to inflict pain on others.

Hope that answers your question

FWIW I think you did exactly the right thing. If I saw my DS being bitten I would shout, most probably out of fright and with the intention of trying to stop it.

YANBU at all...just a normal reaction.

My son has bitten 2 times and he was met by a very angry me i can tell you!

A big loud "uh-uh!" followed by the naughty step and finally an apology to the child who was bitten, Funnily enough he only did it twice.

I practically had steam coming out of my ears biting i can not abide!

Lecohen and Sassybeast - I have no objection to being described as sarcastic or argumentative or wrong or indeed rude (though I reserve the right to dispute some of the above) but I think that it is entirely unfair of you to characterise my postings on this thread as aggesssive and indeed 'overly aggressive' and hostile. I'm not prepared to allow that to stand unchallenged. This is a lively forum with many strong opinions. I profoundly disagree with the perception of this particular type of toddler behaviour that featured in large part on this thread and I have said so plainly. I think the OP behaved badly and I have said so plainly. If expressing an unvarnished opinion is enough to be labelled 'aggressive' then plainly we're all off to hell with a pretty sparkly ticker tape.

Northern, I am sure we can both agree that it would be a waste of time for us to continue in accusations to each other...I resented your assertion about me not understanding toddlers - I feel that was a flippant comment.

You know NOTHING about me - my experience, my background etc.

It is OK that you disagreed with my actions, I would have preferred you to have been more diplomatic in your comments and less accusatory. You did come across as being too forceful in your opinion and I said so accordingly.

Lecohen - all I know about you is what you've put on this thread. Everything I've said has been based on this thread. Clearly it's not what you wanted to hear - but it remains my opinion.

Northern, that's fine! I have no wish or desire to change your opinion... It is funny, you feel you can attack me personally as you disagree with my actions, that is something that I would never have done to any other poster.

We all have different parenting styles and what we deem acceptable/unnacceptable...I feel that perhaps my zero tolerance for hurtful behaviours may have hit a nerve to parents who have children who display unwanted behaviours and they feel personally on the defence!

Where are these personal attacks - saying 'you're wrong' doesn't really qualify imo unless you are abnormally sensitive? I certainly feel on the receiving end of several though- not least on your last post which is plainly a veiled insult to my parenting - which you really do know nothing about as I haven't bought it in to this thread.

the personal attack I refer to was as mentioned below - your comment about my understanding of toddlers!

You may be overly sensitive if you think I addressed a "veiled insult" to your parenting skills, I do not know you other than what you commented here!

'I also think you don't understand toddlers very well' - is your idea of a personal attack that you label 'overly aggressive'? Ok then, clearly we are coming from very different places.

lecohen what you decribed as a way you dealt with DD1 biting sounds good (altho imo I wouldn't have offered toy/treat). I asked because what I was going to suggest is that you talk to your SIL about how you know what it feels like when your child bites and the positive ways in which you dealt with and effectivly stopped the behaviour. Sometimes positive advice and empathy can clear the air.

Then again I could be talking bolloxs as DS had never biten anyone in his life - yes I know never say never but he's 6 now so I hope he doesn't. Believe me if he did he'd get more than 'ahhhh stop'

Oh gawd....is this still going....maybe agree to disagree