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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to storm out of family dinner...

250 replies

lecohen · 26/09/2010 23:55

Long story short, my niece bit my daughter in the face, hub and I shout at her to stop and we get an earful for shouting...niece gets no discipline, my child no sympathy.

OP posts:
Alouiseg · 27/09/2010 07:18

Yadnbu. Why is biting seen as acceptable on here?

Confuzzeled · 27/09/2010 07:39

So the real problem is your brother and his wifes reaction to their child being a biter. Have you tried to talk to them about it calmly? You could tell them that your not comfortable having your daughters together if this is going to continue to happen. Or you could use the suggestion someone made earlier about praising the bitten child and ignoring the biter.

I do understand what it's like, my dd (3.5yo) was very meek when she was little, she got bitten a few times at playgroup and nursery. I could never understand why parents let their children become biters. Then I had DS (12mo) who bites all the time, he head buts other children and wallops everyone with toys. Whenever he does something like this he is taken away from toys and put down somewhere on his own where he can see me walk away from him. It is working slowly, he rarely bites anyone but me now.

I also think families should be able to parent together, good luck.

Oh and YANBU

scaryteacher · 27/09/2010 07:44

YANBU at all - I would not only have shouted, I would have removed the biter away from my child.

claig · 27/09/2010 07:49

YANBU. No problem with the shouting at all. Perfectly normal human reaction. Don't blame you for getting upset that teh adults then all turned on you. Sounds like they have all been brainwashed by the "shout police".

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 27/09/2010 07:54

The parents should have swiftly removed the biter and sat her on her own for a minute away from the view of everyone.

Don't blame you for shoulting - instintive reaction.

ScroobiousPip · 27/09/2010 08:07

Whatever the rights and wrongs of your brother's (and his wife's) parenting styles, you are going to be surrounded for the rest of your life with people who do not approach discipline in the same way as you.

Admittedly it is harder if they are family but have a chat with your brother, explain that you don't find biting acceptable and ask them what they plan to do about it. If it is not an answer you are happy with then you need to think about keeping the two girls apart until they are older.

Northernlurker · 27/09/2010 08:10

Any chance we can stop saying 'the biter' - like she's a murderer or a robber? This is 2 year old and contrary to what many of you mistakenly believe biting is NOT 'bad' behaviour. It's caused by frustration/curiosity/affection/ a desire for attention and many combinations of the above. It's really chilling that so many of you see anger as the perfect response in this situation.

Firawla · 27/09/2010 08:18

The whole thing is OTT, yes yabu to storm out i think. could you and your db/sil not deal with things like adults rather than like toddlers yourselves?
and why has the niece changed from 19 months @ start of the thread into 2 yr old by the 2nd page

piscesmoon · 27/09/2010 08:23

I never think that it is a good idea to 'storm out'-unless you are going to completely sever connections-you will eventually have to talk about it so you might as well in the first place.

warthog · 27/09/2010 08:31

yanbu

given the history of lack of discipline, this was the last straw.

did you explain that they don't seem to be stopping her biting etc.?

i don't know how you proceed from here. i think every time i would pick her up, give her to mum and calmly say what she had been doing. comfort your own dd, but don't get involved in disciplining your niece. make them do it.

Serendippy · 27/09/2010 08:34

YANBU to shout, it is a reaction if something is happening to your child to stop the situation. YWBabitU to 'storm out' if indeed this is what you did, sounds highly dramatic. Hope you get this resolved, family feuds over children are bonkers because the children will grow up and you will still be fighting.

TooBlessedToBeStressed · 27/09/2010 08:53

YANBU,if someone was hurting my DD i would shout one wordstop,yes i repeat shout,would you walk calmly to the child that is latched on your DC ?no,my darling niece.whom i adore who is 2 walked over to my DD who was 4months,DD was lying on the floor on her back and darling niece put her foot on her stomach,now this girl plays rough and is tough,i was a few feet away from her and all i managed to say was that one word,infact i screamed stop,because thats the only way she could have heard me and not preceed to ground my DD to ashes,i apologised to her later and told her why i had shouted and she was ok,

her mother wanted to know what was up and she ran out but i told her,my SIL brought her back and gave her a lesson on how it was important to be nice,,,i do not understand why i should not be able to tell off my own niece for doing something wrong,i can't comment on SIL's parenting but i can sure say something about bad behaviour,

i don't think you were being unreasonable in my opinion

pleasechange · 27/09/2010 08:59

You shouted at a 19mo - not even your 19mo

Yes the child was wrong to bite and should have been chastised in an appropriate manner (by the parents, not you!). BUT if my 19mo had been shouted at by another adult, I would not then force him or her to apologise, as the child is no longer the person in the wrong at this point and would most probably be in need of my comfort rather than telling off

juuule · 27/09/2010 09:00

lecohen -"Almost whenever we visit, niece bites my LO"

I think after the first couple of times, I would be on my guard waiting for it to look like it was going to happen and intervene before it did. Knowing that it was likely, why did you let your child get into the situation where your neice could bite her?
I would also have said something to the child's parents to the effect that the 2 could only play together if they were being closely supervised. Any signs of biting and they would be separated.
While these things can't always be avoided they can a lot of the time.
Eventually your niece will grow out of it.

Sassybeast · 27/09/2010 09:04

YANBU. Parents of children who repeatedly bite are not disciplining them effectively. I lost a 'friend' over a similar situation - a child who bites repeatedly needs to know that it's not acceptable - friends DD was never told off, we were told it was 'normal' behaviour, a 'developmental' issue and she would grow out of it. The third time she mauled DD, I'd had enough and that child is STILL biting, aged 5.

2shoes · 27/09/2010 09:08

yanbu
been lucky neither of mine have been bitten, but I can't imagine I would sit and do nothing if they had been, you only shouted, it's not like you bit the child.

QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2010 09:16

lechoen, Northern has not been rude. She has been very restrained and given excellent advice, despite your drama queen tendencies.

The only really rude poster on this thread has been you, Northern merely defended herself against your rudeness. This is easy to see for anybody who reads this thread from start to finnish in one go.

I second all the excellent parenting advice Norther has given.

I hope you manage to straighten things out with your family.

I had similar issues with the child of my dhs best friend. She would slap my son in the face. And mum would pipe up "awwww, she only does that because she likes him". In the end, I had to tell the girl firmly, to not do it, stop her hand in the action. And tell her parents, "I am sorry, I will not tolerate your child slapping mine, because I dont want him to learn that slapping is ok. Neither should he learn that it is ok that he is slapped". You need to talk to your family about this.

You cannot let your dd learn that it is ok for other children to bite/slap her etc. But you cannot shout at a 19 month old, and then storm out. It is neither here nor there.

GeekOfTheWeek · 27/09/2010 09:19

YANBU

ccpccp · 27/09/2010 09:21

'This is 2 year old and contrary to what many of you mistakenly believe biting is NOT 'bad' behaviour'

Yes it is. Particularly if the victims parents view it that way.

You want to employ techniques to stop biting that involve ignoring the biter, then you better let everyone else know this is what you are doing. Otherwise it just looks like poor parenting.

YANBU OP.

Confuzzeled · 27/09/2010 09:26

Can I point out the OP said the children were both 2, someone else said their child was 19mo.

There is a big difference between 19mo and 2yo.

Sassybeast · 27/09/2010 09:30

QS - I disagree with your assessment. My perception is that with her 'FFS' and sarcasm, Northernlurkers contributions to this thread are overly hostile and aggressive.

catsmother · 27/09/2010 09:32

Appreciate that how we bring up our kids is highly subjective and disciplining those who aren't yours is a minefield .... could argue for days about the "right" way to react in a situation like this ... but unless I've missed it, what's glaringly obvious to me is that neither of the niece's parents apologised - as you do - on their child's behalf. Doesn't mean they're labelling her, or admitting that she's "naughty" (because many kids that age do bite and I'm not convinced it's malicious) but it is acknowledging another child's pain and distress.

Expect if they'd done that this thread wouldn't exist. On the occasions my kids have - accidentally or deliberately - hurt others, I've always said sorry, asked if other child is okay etc ... doesn't take much and diffuses the situation. As everyone keeps saying, the niece is "only 2" - that's why her parents need to step up and accept some sort of responsibility when things like this happen. It's also not too much of an effort surely to get a child to say sorry .... she may not understand the precise ins and outs of it at 2 but kids learn by repetition and if they are asked to say sorry when they make someone cry often enough, they will eventually learn that there's a consequence to what they've done.

Morloth · 27/09/2010 09:48

You are on a hiding to nothing if you are going to storm out everytime a kid does something naughty.

fizzpops · 27/09/2010 09:49

I had a similar situation happen - DCs involved were much younger and I didn't tell the other child off just reacted instinctively with an 'Oooh be careful!'.

The mother of the other child was my sister and she exploded at me saying I wasn't to 'tell off' her child. I would never dream of doing anything of the kind and it caused huge problems and although this happened 2 years ago there are still repercussions as far as I am concerned.

I think in this case 2 years old is quite old enough to understand the parents saying to the biter, 'That was not a kind thing to do. We don't bite.' The fact that they didn't is imo sending a wrong message to their child.

Given the situation again I would probably react the same way again - it was a spontaneous reaction and I couldn't stop it - I would hope that my sister would be more understanding of why I reacted that way. Somehow I doubt it!

holyShmoley · 27/09/2010 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.