or was i right to let rip at this woman?

[mummysgoingmad]

I went home at the weekend to see my mum. We went to see a family friend, she's very opinionated which is fine i suppose.

Anyway ds (22 months) was running about with his dummy in his mouth which i give him through the day when he's teething, I'd rather him bite his dummy than bite me i was talking about my concerns that ds still isn't talking, pointing or waving. This woman said "well he wont talk if he has his dummy in his mouth all the time" To which i replied he doesn't have his dummy all the time just when he's teething and when he goes to bed. She said "he has his dummy in his mouth all the time"

Now the last time i saw this woman was in may and yes ds did have his dummy then as he was sleeping. I kind of lost it a bit and said how would you know i barely see you, you have seen him twice with his dummy in his mouth and you assume he has it all the time, well your wrong. She then started rattling on about how i'm not strict enough and i should start to think about disaplining him i.e smacking!! ds wasnt even doing anything wrong at the time, he was running up up and down the hallway. This is when i exploded and said yeh that really worked for you considering 3 out of your 5 children dont even speak to you, 1 of said children says your dead to him. My final comment was your not a mother your a dictator and i walked out with ds. When i was little i remember being scared of this woman as she is very intimidating and liked to shout at children for little or no reason (still does)

Now i'm staring to feel a bit guilty about what i said, should i feel guilty or was i right about what i said?

YABU and total overeaction - you owe her an apology

I had the dummy one as well op (and ds1 didn't even have one). We also had a lot of 'he doesn't need to talk because you are guessing everything he says' along with 'put everything out of reach and then he'll have to talk'

ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Learn to roll your eyes inwardly - but having someone you can phone to moan to about these opinionated idiots on the end of a phone can help.

saintly we have a 2nd appointment with the ent specialist in november his hearing is perfect so it cant be that, i discussed my concerns re his communication in june, she said he could just be a late developer and if there was still no communication by the time he was 2 then she would investigate it further. Dp and my family dont share my concerns but i feel i should have some sort of communication with him by now. All i get is a moan and i'm supposed to work out what it means, he doesnt try and get my attention or pull me towards something he wants etc. he just moans.

i do feel bad about calling her a dictator and i suspect an apology wouldn't later be used as "i'm right because you apologised" i think i will say sorry for calling her a dictator, but i think i might add "however i think you also owe me an apology for the smacking/belting comment (that better nancy ) and presuming things things whch were wrong. hows that?

Don't wait until he is 2. If he is not waving or pointing at 22 months he needs a referral now. I wasted so much time being fobbed off by people when ds1 was little. You sound very switched on so don't let anyone make you feel bad (I was accused of all sorts - being too negative, wishing things on ds1 etcetc). Yes he might bring it all together and need no help but those are clear signs for a referral and it's very easy to cancel unwantedappointments. For example ds2 snd ds3 were at high risk of a communication disorder. I told my HV from the outset that if they were not pointing or waving at 18 months then I wanted a referral and she agreed that she would.

Feel free to come along into SN and ask advice on that sort of thing. We all deal with opinionated idiots daily as well. :o

She sounds like a nasty piece of work, it seems as if you have been building up to explode at her for a while.

So yes, you were unreasonable for what you said - but can totally see why you said it. I wouldn't apologise to her, but I would apologise to your mum; she will know that the information you used about her children came from your mum, and could make things awkward for her.

And kittywise - how would a dummy delay pointing and waving.

See those are the daft sort of assumptions people make. No wonder tempers blow sometimes.

You should definitely get some support from the fabulous SN ladies. You must be quite worried so maybe that's at the root of your outburst?

Never apologise, Never explain, that's my motto

Btw OP - I was told by ds's nursery at that age that he had speech delay and we should get it sorted.

I wasn't convinced but as he's my first I got a referral as I thought I should do what I was told - we didn't attend in the end as I was working and couldn't get there with him and he switched to state nursery and he was absolutely fine. He's very articulate but has the odd pronunciation issue - no big deal. Don't worry.

I also agree that kids grow out of things of their own accord. Could not get ds used to the ideas of pants, toilets and potties until he was three. However, he was out of nappies at night by the time he was 12 months old.

Each to their own.

No speech at 22 months is not a problem. No waving/pointing and being dragged everywhere is a clear sign for referral.

Ds2 didn't talk properly until he was nearly 3. I didn't worry as he pointed, was very communicative abd based his behaviour on others around him (eg age18 months in a nursery session for the first time looked around at the other kids and copied them at circle time).

Ds1 wasn't pointing but was happy and affectionate. We were fobbed off for over a year after I first raised concerns. Wasted wasted time. And difficult because so many people shared their blardy quick fix ideas.

I am being blunt about this because the op has noticed these concerns - appointments can always be cancelled, but you canwait up to a year to see SALT- so it's always worth referring when you are concerned.

OP you overreacted. In a most vicious and vindictive way. You were unecessarily personal and spiteful. So I think you were unreasonable, yes.

BUT good luck with the speech delay stuff. You're clearly worried about it and I can understand why. Hope you get some help soon.

A dummy would delay pointing and waving, no Just that it won't help verbal communication and if the op's ds is showing signs of needing a referral, then having a dummy in is not going to help with his overall ability to communicate( and breathe).

A dummy would not delay pointing and waving, no Just that it won't help verbal communication and if the op's ds is showing signs of needing a referral, then having a dummy in is not going to help with his overall ability to communicate( and breathe).

What is it with this computer tonight?

I don't think you were being unreasonable. That woman sounds nasty and bullying and toxic, and there's obviously a lot of history of that. I'm not in the least bit surprised that you'd had enough of her insistence that she knew better than you, even though she'd only seen your son a few times.

Since she knows that some of her children have cut her out of their lives, she should by now have questioned her own parenting abilities. Pointing that out as a response to her bullying tactics towards you is either going to be a wake-up call or will run like water off a duck's back. Either way, I don't think you have much to feel guilty about. Some people do need to be shouted at and have their own nastiness flung back in their faces in order to get a clue.

If you had said "be quiet you silly old bat, I am not interested in your opinion on this matter, I don't even like you", that would have been non-unreasonable.
Your very personal attack, reminding her of what must be extremely painful to her, despite being a miserable cow, was totally unreasonable. Even if you are worried about your son's speech, you still overreacted I think. Sorry!

But lack of speech isn't a need for referral at 22 months.

This is what I mean - opinions from people who have no idea. Removing a dummy is not going to magically induce speech in a child who is not pointing at 22 months. If only life were that simple. In fact having a dummy at 22 months (not that it's particularly late) may well go with lack of pointing etc etc. It's like saying 'well that child's never going to walk while they're sat in that wheelchair are they?'.

And of course it's good old mum who gets the blame. Honestly the crap you have to listen to when you have a child who doesn't speak. Luckily other people do shut up eventually.

Erm i think that was totally over the top. OK we have all had stupid comments from know it alls, but it sounds like she hit a nerve with you! I think you should say your sorry, would hate to think of someone thinking i was rude.

What was your mother's opinion of you and the family friend's exchange of views?
Did you embarrass your mother with your outburst?

i have started a new thread on sn saintly, i have had some good pointers to some websites and some books. I'm at my wits end i dont know what else i can possible do to help him anymore and i get frustrated and cry

oh mummy - :(

I can tell you that whatever happens (and it is entirely possible that all will come together and you'll completely forget this time - he's still tiny) that it will get easier. My son has had what I would have considered at 22 months to be the worst possible outcome but life is still much easier now than it was then.

Then I was isolated and being blamed for everything whilst being completely unable to get anyone to take my concerns seriously. Now I have a great bunch of friends and a whole heap of support around ds1 and he's grown into someone I am very proud of - he's changed my life for the better.

So either everything is fine and this is just a soon to be forgotten horrible stage. Or everything isn't fine but even then whatever happens it's much easier than watching and waiting and having to put up with idiotic comments from people who should learn to keep their mouth shut.

I have a list of people I wish I'd told to wind their neck in 10 years ago :o Don't worry about what you said.

nothing much juuule, if i had of embarrassed her in anyway i would of known about it. She was quiet on the way home to her village and when we got home i asked her if she thought what the woman said was right, she said of course not, i wish i was as good a mum to you as you are you ds. I f ihad of caused any friction etc my mum wouldn't be long in telling me so (and i would still as scared now as i was when i was 5 )

Don't worry. Stay calm. enjoy your baby - 22 months is not old for a dummy or not speaking. Just ignore the unwanted advice (which you may think this is!) I'm thinking of you and hope you get some answers soon. You may not even have a problem but you still will love him whatever. Time will tell. God bless.

i know what you mean saintly even dp thinks im over reacting, everyone say oh it will come relax, i live miles away from any kind of support so it is just me and ds on a day to day basis. Until tonight i thought maybe i am over reacting but after your advice and the advice of those on the sn board i now know that its not all in my head.