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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel uncomfortable about this.........

257 replies

keepeverybodyhappy · 22/09/2010 20:36

My DD (v.v.nearly 8) has been to a number of sleepovers at her friend's house.
At these sleepovers they have had baths together, often following muddy/messy playtimes.
However, at the most recent sleepover they had a shower together, and what makes me feel uncomfortable is that her friends Dad was sat watching.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable by this?
Thank you.

OP posts:
Heracles · 24/09/2010 02:02

Define "watching".

Careybliss · 24/09/2010 08:12

Perhaps it would help to look at this link to decide the risk of child sexual assault.

www.nspcc.org.uk/news-and-views/media-centre/key-information-for-journalists/facts-and-figures/Facts-and-figures_wda73664.html

When you tote the figures up 20% of children experience child sexual assault. Of this figure 16% is by a non-family member (11% by a person known to them).

This is not hysteria, it is fact. It worries me that there is a cry of "hysteria" whenever this subject comes up. Yes it's uncomfortable to discuss and recognise but sticking your head in the sand doesn't make it go away.

Original poster
keepeverybodyhappy · 24/09/2010 09:58

Careybliss - I don't like the way that some are terming some responses as hysteria either.
I came on here to ask peoples' opinions, whatever thay may be, to help me put in to words what this horrible feeling is in the bottom of stomach.
I have not said that I think this man is an abuser, but the whole shower thing has left me questioning my usual approach to sleepovers and my daughters privacy.
DD had body changes /boy girl differences talk pre-summer hols and these changes have already started for her.
The concerns I have are-
that she may well have felt uncomfortable showering with him there, but felt unable to say.
that she only did it because her friend wanted to.
running out of space............

OP posts:
Original poster
keepeverybodyhappy · 24/09/2010 10:00

..............why would he think it's ok to supervise, when I certainly wouldn't?
I don't think the shower was neccessary, DD said they'd not been dirty.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 24/09/2010 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Irishchic · 24/09/2010 10:57

I think that's a bit unfair SecondComing - No one actually stated that this man was/is a paedophile, nor said "hang the paedo"

Really most of the hysteria i have seen displayed on this thread is from the posters who disagree with the OP, (HuwEdwards to name one, for example).

It is understandable that having had time to think about things, the OP is a bit upset about it, I would be too. Yes, no harm came of it, and in all likelihood it was innocent, but really it was unnecessary for the father to be sat in the bathroom watching, and it seems to have made the child uncomfortable, so OP reaction is normal and certainly not hysterical.

However, hopefully the OP can move on now, and find the best way to deal with it, the op sounds like a calm and reasoned person, not overly anxious and reactionary, I am sure she will deal with it sensibly.

QuiteFickleDobby · 24/09/2010 11:25

What Heracles said.

staranise · 24/09/2010 11:29

But presumably the OP knows this man very well if she allows her child to spend the night there?
My DD is 6 and a half and there is a handful of people she would be allowed to stay with - all either relatives or very very good family friends where we know and socialise with both of the couple.

To say he was there 'watching' makes it sound more sinister than it might have been - he could have wandering in and out, reading the paper, dealing with younger kids, I don't know. I'm really surprised by the tone of the responses on this thread (don't mean that narkily, I really am surprised).

spikeycow · 24/09/2010 12:01

Well I wouldn't care as I'm one of those Mumsnetters who is sooo enlightened and progressive it's almost unreal. Why on EARTH would I mind if a man looks at my naked daughter? There is nothing odd about that whatsoever, not at all!! Even if he was to step into the shower with her that still might not mean anything. God, how uneducated you all sound, having parental instincts! Don't you know it's statistics that count these days, that feelings mean nothing? Peasants.

Heracles · 24/09/2010 12:08

That's a helpful reply spikey. Thanks for that.

Can I ask again: define "watching".

AnyFucker · 24/09/2010 12:50

spikey...your phraseology doesn't even make sense, you twerp

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 24/09/2010 13:04

Grin @ "twerp". A fine and underused word if ever there was one.

As you were...

rockinhippy · 24/09/2010 13:39

It is a bit odd, & the fact you're here asking the question says that you feel uncomfortable about it too.

I think nowadays, the paedo hype & hysteria been what it is, I would think most sensible Men would shy well away from anything so easily misconstrued Hmm so I don't blame you at all for feeling suspicious.......we once took DDs friend away with us, she had to be bathed, DH was so paranoid about upsetting her/her parents, that he left the hotel room

& at 8, I'm surprised your DD didn't feel pretty self conscious herself, (mines even taken to covering her none existent "boobs" in front of her Dad Grin ).......so if your otherwise comfortable with the family, perhaps having a word with the Mum as regards nothing like it ever happening again, as DD didn't like it......& perhaps having an in depth chat with DD too

staranise · 24/09/2010 13:47

Perhaps then it's a gut instinct thing - if my DD came back from a sleepover at one of the (very few) houses she would be allowed to stay at and mentioned in passing that the father had watched them in the shower, it just would not occur to me to think this was dodgy or inappropriate - given how well I know the parents.

The fact that the OP thinks otherwise suggests that she either doesn't know the parents well enough or, at a gut level, already felt that something was amiss with that particular man.

stubbornhubby · 24/09/2010 13:49

*staranise - victims of child abuse are generally abused by people their parents know very well. that's how they get access.

staranise · 24/09/2010 14:25

Yes, I know but how do you then go about your daily life? Assuming that ALL the people your children know very well (and I mean DH, brothers, uncles, very close family friends etc) have the very real possibility of abusing your child? In which case you probably wouldn't let them out of your sight, never mind allow a sleepover. And surely you wouldn't allow contact whether or not the child was clothed or naked?
I'm not being argumentative for the sake of it, I'm interested to know, do you trust the people you leave your child with or not?

I'm assuming the OP feels that her trust has been abused by this man being present in the bathroom with her child showering. For me, this wouldn't constitute a breach of trust but like I was trying to say, the OP seems to have a gut instinct about this particular situation.

stubbornhubby · 24/09/2010 14:34

it's not so much whether you know them as how they behave.

Do they - for instnace - do creepy things like watching your daughter in the shower.

when you know someone very well is sometimes when it's hardest to admit to yourself that their behaviour is inappropriate.

pigletmania · 24/09/2010 14:35

YANBU at all. Unless my dd was very dirty I would not expect them to bath or shower her, a face wash would be enough. Arnt they old enought not to be supervised? My dd 3.7 is not, though I am near her at all times, whether tiding her room, putting laundry away on the same floor and next to the bathroom. I often call out to her too. I am a firm beliver in the stance that all men are generally seen as perverts, and this is just not the case. Why oh why was the mother at a dance when there is a sleepover going on especially if they are planning on bathing the girls, this is putting the father in a very vulnerable position, surely there should be both of the parents there.

pigletmania · 24/09/2010 14:37

Next time I would say to the mum that i would rather dd not be bathed or showered unless she is very dirty, and that she is able to do so on her own and wants privacy.

pigletmania · 24/09/2010 14:40

sorry just to make myself clear, I hate it when all men are seen as paedophiles when that is not the case. Bad typing

staranise · 24/09/2010 14:40

As per previous posts, define "watching".

I "watch" my children in the bathroom at the moment if they are having a shower (though not a bath) because the shower is very liable to flood at the moment (getting fixed this weekend thankfully!). I just think that people are assuming the worst.

GeekOfTheWeek · 24/09/2010 14:45

I think it is pointless saying that you wouldn't leave your dc's if you didn't know the parents well enough.

Most abusers are known to the child.

pigletmania · 24/09/2010 14:56

I personally would not feel comfortable showering in front of anyone man/woman unless its my dh of course. Why should being a child be any different, especially if they are going through changes in their body and want that bit of privacy, it shoudl be respected.

ReshapeWhileDamp · 24/09/2010 15:27

I don't think Huw was being hysterical at all.
Sad

Actually, whole thread makes me Sad.

brassband · 24/09/2010 17:16

i am truly shocked and very concerned that so many people on this thread don't regard a man watching someone else's 8 yo naked,as suspicious.They seem to think if they have had someone over to dinner then they cannot possibly be child molestors.Don't they know abusers usually start off with aituations they can explain away ,and if there is no objection gradually push things further and further
Child sexual abuse id not a rare thing that only happens to other people's children.It is very very widespread.
let your children go out into the world let them have fun but make sure you keep alert and that they are aware what is and isn't appropriaéte behaviour so that alarm bells ring and they get out of a situation before it's too late.