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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel uncomfortable about this.........

257 replies

keepeverybodyhappy · 22/09/2010 20:36

My DD (v.v.nearly 8) has been to a number of sleepovers at her friend's house.
At these sleepovers they have had baths together, often following muddy/messy playtimes.
However, at the most recent sleepover they had a shower together, and what makes me feel uncomfortable is that her friends Dad was sat watching.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable by this?
Thank you.

OP posts:
tinky19 · 23/09/2010 18:15

Not directly Anyfucker, how about, insinuated.

FlyingInTheCLouds · 23/09/2010 18:20

like sjbs idea.

mumofthreesweeties · 23/09/2010 18:23

If you generally trust this family then maybe there isnt anything to worry about. My DH would not sit and watch over the children having a bath though. I would not put him in this situation purely because of the reasons stated by the OP. It is really sad that the world has come to this. When my DS was 7 I used to give him a bath and when his 6 year old friend came I used to wash him too but always avoided his privates and bum area. My DS is very close to his friend and they have been friends since he was four so I do treat him exactly as I would treat my son. At that age his mum used to wash him too at their house so I guess it was not a big deal (well I hope not anyway)

jasmeeen · 23/09/2010 18:26

On a sleepover I probably wouldn't with a bath/shower due to the ensuing mess that would doubtless occur. But I would supervise and my DS is coming up to 8, because he prefers either me or DH to sit in bathroom for company when he is bathing.

The dad was probably sitting on the toilet bored out of his mind but feeling obliged to sit there in case something should happen to the child that was in his care. If she slipped or something and it appeared that he hadn't been supervising properly there would have been a different kind of fuss.

I cannot believe the hysteria on this thread.

pinkbasket · 23/09/2010 18:44

I can't help thinking that better to feel uncomfortable and act on it than try and be all fine about it and then there be something wrong. An innocent man would understand totally why a mum would prefer her child not to shower in front of him.

GeekOfTheWeek · 23/09/2010 19:05

jasmeen, i wouldn't say there was hysteria on this thread. Just people expressing a different opinion, as is expected on a public forum.

As previously stated it probably is innocent, however, there is always the possibility that it isn't.

I wouldn't risk my daughters wellbeing for the benefit of the doubt.

Irishchic · 23/09/2010 19:58

"I cannot believe the hysteria on this thread"

Jasmeen Parents are naturally protective of their children and of their childrens' right to privacy.

If you class that as "hysteria" then you are the one who is being unreasonable and quite strange, imo.

serafinacat · 23/09/2010 20:17

I would definitely have a problem with this and I think you should trust your instincts. My DH is my 9 yr old DD's stepdad and has always been careful to respect her privacy since he has known her (since she was 6) and he agrees that this sets alarm bells off. Especially in this day and age where men do have to be more careful, the fact that this man is quite happy to sit and watch two naked eight year olds at best I find massively inappropriate and I definitely wouldn't want my daughter having sleepovers there again.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 23/09/2010 20:24

brassband that is not only a complete over reaction but is uttery partonising to boot.

It is Daily Mail hysteria and sorry it is hysteria that makes this whole thing so utterly bloody sad.
I actually am both sad and angered that the world has come to this.

GeekOfTheWeek · 23/09/2010 20:34

It isn't just hysteria.

Horrible things do happen. More than some people realise imo.

perfumedlife · 23/09/2010 21:25

I can't think of a single reason why the man had to sit there and watch them shower. Potter about outside the bathroom, yes. Sit inside on the loo, uncalled for. Even if he was concerned about another parents child slipping, he could have said no shower. Or shower separately girls.

My ds6 had his little friend here last week and the boy was in the loo a long time. I spoke through the door, he was 'doing a poo' as he said. When he came out he was nacked from the waist down. I asked if he had wet his trousers and pants, he said no, he always takes them off to poo and wanted to remain naked. I spent ages coaxing him back into his clothes. I felt really uncomfortable with this, not because I am a perv, but because it can be misconstrued so easily. Thank god my dh was still working or I would have felt worse. As soon as I dropped him home, I told his mum, and managed to mention my dh was working late so that she had no need to let her imagination go wild. She laughed and said he does it all the time at home too.

My own father was maliciously accused of sexually abusing myself and two sisters by one sister's vengeful exbf. All terrible lies, my father was devastated but the police were brilliant and the guy was caught out in his lies. It can devastate lives. And we were all grown and married when these accusations were made. There is no way any man should put themselves in the firing line, it's too risky. As my father said, always you get people saying 'there's no smoke without fire'

Commom sense to stay well clear so nothing can be misconstrued.

Anenome · 23/09/2010 21:29

`Perfumedlife

This is the reason why I think kids this young should not spend the night at friends except in emergencies...until they know it's not socially acceptabe to walk around in a friends home with no clothes on...they should stay in ther own homes at night. For everybody's safety.

jasmeeen · 23/09/2010 21:44

yes dreadful things do happen. But in this case I do think it is complete over reaction, and yes media manipulated hysteria. Yes parents are naturally protective. I have 3 DCs myself, but that doesn't stop me thinking the main response on this thread is way OTT.

Nikita09, you might think I am strange but I tthink it's strange to assume that the father in this case is a pervert. What is the actual statistical likelihood of that? Suspecting the worst case scenario for everything is strange behaviour imo.

perfumedlife · 23/09/2010 21:47

nacked? Blush Meant naked obv.

Anenome, I agree, although this was just a three hour playdate. It's a mindfield.

perfumedlife · 23/09/2010 21:49

Aaargghh, minefield!

usualsuspect · 23/09/2010 22:04

Anenome what a ridiculous thing to say ffs

Theincrediblesulk1 · 23/09/2010 22:20

I wouldn't be happy, though i hate myself for feeling like that.

AuntieMaggie · 23/09/2010 22:35

FGS I don't see what the problem is.

Perhaps him or his wife normally supervise their own DD in the shower and as such he was on autopilot and didn't even consider not supervising the girls, or maybe they couldn't control the shower themselves, or maybe they're fussy about the bathroom getting too wet or as you said they were muddy and he didn't want mud all over the bathroom. Who knows?

Rather than worry about it why don't you just ask him. It would be a shame to put the sleepovers on hold if it was completely innocent!

Theincrediblesulk1 · 23/09/2010 22:42

I just asked dh and he said there is no way in hell he would have gone in the bathroom with the kids. Its a sad sad world we live in, where we have to question each other, but the reality is bad things happen.

mamatomany · 23/09/2010 22:46

My DH said the same it is sad but he wouldn't dream of being in the room with a naked child that wasn't our own, he'd have called me to supervise if it was necessary.

Theincrediblesulk1 · 23/09/2010 22:50

Yeah, He was saying one they didn't need supervising at that age and two he wouldn't want to be on his own with them especially in the bathroom, as he wouldn't want to be the subject of a conversation like this very one. Cant argue with that really.

jonicomelately · 23/09/2010 23:00

I haven't read all the thread so perhaps this point's already been made but the usual procedure is that the girls have a bath, only on this night, when the wife's out, they have a shower. I have to be honest and say that's odd. Eight year olds are capable of showering themselves. Why couldn't he hover outside the door listening for any signs of trouble (slipping etc)?

AnyFucker · 23/09/2010 23:02

TIS1, that is precisely what I think

"wouldn't want to be the subject of a conversation like this very one"

of course not all men are potential abusers

of course we feel bad that men (and women, but to a lesser extent) cannot act naturally around naked children

but unless there was a very good reason why this bloke was watching a young girl, not his own, have a shower, then he is at best very naive about how his actions may be construed

Theincrediblesulk1 · 23/09/2010 23:08

Hi Anyfucker,

I really do hate myself for it, i wish we lived in a different world! its screwed up.

My dad used to go out to play with me and some boys who lived in our flats ( they used to knock for him, not me lol) and play football. Then there was a story in the sun about a pedophile, and he never went out to play again with the kids, just used to watch us out the window from then on. Such a shame but he said he couldn't play anymore because he felt creepy.

thesecondcoming · 24/09/2010 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.