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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel uncomfortable about this.........

257 replies

keepeverybodyhappy · 22/09/2010 20:36

My DD (v.v.nearly 8) has been to a number of sleepovers at her friend's house.
At these sleepovers they have had baths together, often following muddy/messy playtimes.
However, at the most recent sleepover they had a shower together, and what makes me feel uncomfortable is that her friends Dad was sat watching.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable by this?
Thank you.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 23/09/2010 16:00

No showers or baths at sleepovers? my god, my kids and their friends when younger often all piled into my bath ..I never gave it a 2nd thought ..what a sad suspicious world this has become Sad

staranise · 23/09/2010 16:09

My goodness, I think I must be very naive. If I trust someone enough to let my DD (aged 6) sleep over - and there are only a handful of friends to whom this applies - I wouldn't be bothered at all by them bathing there. I assume I would know both parents very well, I don't mind who supervises the showers (and they do need supervising at that age). I'm amazed by some of the responses on here.

brassband · 23/09/2010 16:23

Ineedacleaner
' I would feel 100% confident that if anything like this happened it wasn't dodgy at all because to trust the people with my 7 year old dd all night I would trust them not to come to any harm and trust the parenst completely.'

..and this is exactly how paedophiles get access to children.

stubbornhubby · 23/09/2010 16:28

i think people are overemphisising the paedo risk, and not paying attention the simple fact that the average 7 year old is going to feel real uncomfortable being in the shower watched by a man.

and that's why I wouldn't be watching. Not because I might find myself under the influence of uncontrollable urges.

weblette · 23/09/2010 16:47

Good grief brassband, what utter paranoia. So do you stop your children going on sleepovers because you can't trust their parents? Maybe they should be CRBed first....

GeekOfTheWeek · 23/09/2010 16:49

I wouldn't be happy with this at all and no male I know would put themselves in such a vulnerable position.

Not all men are paedophiles. But some are.

nelix2000 · 23/09/2010 16:52

Would you feel as uncomfortable with a lesbian supervising? Why does being a man make it wrong?

GeekOfTheWeek · 23/09/2010 16:55

I would feel uncomfortable with anyone watching tbh.

Original poster
keepeverybodyhappy · 23/09/2010 17:00

Thank you all for your posts.
I understand where most of you are coming from.
DD has had baths at this friends house before, with "pottering around" supervision/random "how are you getting on in there" checks.
I have no issue with this.
But when DD was explaining that they'd had a shower my DH asked where her friends parents were (DH probably thinking they were very brave to leave them for too long)
DD replied that her friends Mum had gone out and her Dad was sat on the toilet seat.
This makes me feel uncomfortable.
I'm not against water fun at sleepovers.
I wouldn't offer a bath/shower, but that's me. I am however happy for DD to join in at her friends. But this makes me feel uncomfortable.
After speaking to my Mum I have decided that sleepovers are going to be paused for a while. If they do restart I will stress to Mum/Dad that DD is becoming aware of her body and would appreciate less supervision/ no bath/shower.

OP posts:
cumbria81 · 23/09/2010 17:03

I think YABU. So he sat in the bathroom whilst his daughter and friend got a shower - so what? I think you are being grossly unfair to assume the worst.

weblette · 23/09/2010 17:10

So how are you going to explain this to your dd then?

Irishchic · 23/09/2010 17:10

"Would you feel as uncomfortable with a lesbian supervising? Why does being a man make it wrong?"

Because it is unnecessary and therefore at least open to question, and capable of being misinterpreted.

It is disingenuous to suggest otherwise.

brassband · 23/09/2010 17:13

'Good grief brassband, what utter paranoia. So do you stop your children going on sleepovers because you can't trust their parents? Maybe they should be CRBed first..'

no i don't stop them going, or crb the parents LOL.But i wouldn't trust them enough to assume that a father watching girls of 8 (and can we just be clear that the op emphasised that these girls were 'very very nearly 8 ie much much closer to 8 than 7) is innocent.

MyBoysHaveDogsNames · 23/09/2010 17:15

Presumably there was a shower curtain or a showerscreen? It doesn't sound like ogling, more supervision. I would do the same if I was responsible for two young children, one not mine, both probably excited and acting carelessly in a hot, slippery shower.

I bet he was on his blackberry, bored as hell.

brassband · 23/09/2010 17:21

why not send them in separately if they were over excited

usualsuspect · 23/09/2010 17:30

Because kids like to have fun together ..tis the whole point of a sleepover

nelix2000 · 23/09/2010 17:48

I didn't read their ages...yes they do not need to be supervised to that extent at that age....YANBU

juicy12 · 23/09/2010 17:50

Common sense should prevail really. When we have friends to stay (invariably god-children or nieces/nephews) bathtime is a production line of small kids. There parents might be around, but supervising smaller ones. So, it could be that DH or I are supervising those kids in the bath. But there's no need to stay in teh bathroom - just frequent popping in to make sure there's not too much mucking around. Can't get why an adult would put themselves up for suspicion by staying in teh bathroom.

Rocklover · 23/09/2010 17:54

I just wonder if you can all remember back to when you were a kid and how you would have felt. I know that whilst I had no problem being naked in front of or even showering with my Dfather, I know I would have felt uncomfortable doing it in front of another man.

This was the early 80's, my mum and dad were not really uptight or anything and paedophiles were not on the news all the time, it was just something I instinctively felt.

So yes I do think it was inappropriate, but I doubt very much that the man in question is at all dodgy.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2010 18:02

yes, I can think back to being a kid of that age and the father of my friend was watching me have a shower

it was inappropriate in the 1970's, and it is inappropriate now

tinky19 · 23/09/2010 18:08

Why do people always assume the worst? It is sooo sad that we are forcing men to miss out on innocent fun with children. Now a days all adults, particularly men need to 'protect themselves' from false accusations, however, I think the people making these accusations should just think how they would feel is they (or their DH) were accused! People who see the worst in everything have the problem. Angry

AnyFucker · 23/09/2010 18:10

nobody has accused anybody here, tinky

TheBeast · 23/09/2010 18:11

Anyfucker - there is a world of difference between a 5yo and an 8yo

What, paedophiles differentiate? You object to a man being in the same room as a naked 8 year old but think it is ok for him to be in the same room as a naked 5 year old? Confused

Weird - but then I'm with HuwEdwards on the hysteria bit, especially the hysterical advice to ban sleepovers. I can see nothing wrong with telling the parents of the other girl that the daughter was a bit uncomfortable with having a man in the room.

I also have to confess,though, that because of this kind of hysteria I would never have put myself in that position.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 23/09/2010 18:12

Am i really the only one that doesnt get the group showering in the first place, whether its watched my a man woman or dog is secondary to me, I dont really want my kids sharing a bath with anyone else, i really cant see the need, its so unhygenic if nothing else.

I would feel just as uncomfortable with a man watching as a woman, i really can see no need and therefore it feels wrong.

I really dont get the distinction between man or woman in this case at all.

ChippingIn · 23/09/2010 18:13

Funnily enough - the child who was actually there has not said she was uncomfortable about it at all. She was asked where her friends parents were, one was out, one was supervising them.......

Get some perspective please!