Wedding gift etiquette

[petal2008]

We have been invited to a friend's fourth (!) wedding.

Along with the invitation was a poem basically saying don't buy a gift as we have got everything we need - we want the money to go on holiday.

Surely it's up to us to ask if there is a wedding list and be told "actually we haven't got one but a voucher or the cash would be nice".

My DH says I'm being too sensitive as would be spending money on a gift anyway so we I won't have to worry about going out to buy anything. I know all this is true but feel a bit pissed off about it.

I've got a special birthday this year but won't invite people to my party saying don't bother about the present but I'll have the money.

OK LRD they sound like twats. Fair enough. But then they probably would be about receiving presents too by the sounds of it.

Yes, but it's the way that they think they've hit on a wonderful innovation everyone will love - and I think they should have the decency to realize that if I didn't ask for cash, I probably don't share their views.

If you go on itsurday.com (which I did before my wedding), there are loads of people who will post saying 'I've just found this really original poem, wouldn't it be AMAZING to use it', as if it's a big fat surprise and they've suddenly solved all the problems.

I mean, if you're too lazy to communicate with guests, fine, but don't pretend you're also doing something smart or cute.

What IS it with these poems? I've completely missed that. Have never seen one. Have never heard of anyone using one. Why can't people use their own words, FFS? Maybe it's because we live in the utter sticks and are all very classless and are not in Polite Society

Maybe your family/friends have a healthy twat-radar, Aries? I mean, you have to be up your own arse to think it could be construed as cute!

I don't understand why not sending a list is a problem, btw - people are saying that if there's no list, you have to ask for it - but surely you're going to get in touch with the couple anyway to say 'Yes, I'd love to come and I eat blah-blah', so what's the issue?

Sigh.

I don't love it, as a concept - I'd rather give an actual gift of something to furnish the happy couple's new home with. But in this day and age when so few of us get married in our early 20s straight out of our parents' houses, that gets rarer and rarer and certainly I would rather give towards something they needed than buy them their 4th toaster / ice bucket just for the sake of it. So in those incidences then I certainly wouldn't begrudge helping them to have a nice holiday and create some memories together.

Have to say I think it's bad form to ask for anything at all for your fourth wedding though!

I'm struggling to think of a first wedding (i.e. young people, not divorced) I have been to when there hasn't been a list to be honest. I thought it was the norm.

I don't really mind the thought of a list, it's a kind of neccesary evil and could be helpful to a lot of guests I suppose. I just think I wouldn't include it in the invitation, but if guests asked you could tell them about it.

Oh it's a minefield.

A couple of people I know who're a bit older than us (26, and 27/28) got married in very small registry office/everyone down the pub dos and didn't ask for anything.

I only know one couple who had a proper list (we had a very improper list ourselves, went to all of 8 people who insisted on one), and they're 22 and 30 and the mum is very posh, so I think they did it the old fashioned way with the mum and dad 'hosting' the wedding and sending out invitations with a list.

If you're genuinely young and skint, isn't it usually quite easy to buy stuff?

Perfume, you're right, it is a bloody minefield. In fact, such is potential for terrible angst and offence, I'm surprised anyone does it at all. Or that anyone ever speaks to anyone again afterwards. Talking of offensive behaviour at weddings, my two best friends had a blazing row at my wedding, both very pissed, and both cornered me tearfully, begging me to intervene and to be on their side, at my own fucking wedding!. Or at one of the aforementioned best friend's wedding, half the groom's family took off to Tesco's and smuggled in cheap booze because they didn't want to pay the venue's prices, got pissed and started fighting. So if we are on the subject of offensive wedding behaviour, personally I think those two examples are worse than a list or a suggestion that a good gift may be contributing towards the honeymoon. But that's just me.

LRD I'm not sure I'm with you on your last comment. Isn't it usually quite difficult to buy stuff if you're genuinely skint?

The best friends did apologise afterwards. They were extremely embarrassed.

Thanks for all your views.

It's not that she wants money as a gift I just think that asking for it with the invitation and trying to mask it in the manner of a godawful poem takes the piss. Especially when part of it says we have spent all our money on flowers,rings and food etc!

I suppose I am a bit old fashioned and was taught that you wait to be asked and then it's "I would like " not "I want"

And don't get me started on people who don't even send thank you cards!!

If she doesn't need a gift she will be getting a letter saying we have donated to a local charity - sorry that's just what I think. Maybe next time she won't ask!

Please post the poem

We need to decide how hideous it is and compare with others we have recieved.

Btw, a fourth wedding is taking the piss imo. By all means have a fourth marriage but to have a wedding is a bit of a farce.

Sorry, Aries! Yes, that came across badly - I meant to type if they're skint, it's easy to buy stuff for them. Oops.

I think you have got the medal for offensive behaviour there, yep.

petal, go for it.

Greedy and vulgar.

Wedding gifts were about friends and family helping a couple setting up home together from scratch when people were poorer and household goods relatively more expensive. If they don't need a toaster or matching plates, because they already have them, they don't need a wedding list.

I have actually sent cheques to my young neices and nephews on marriage, to help them on their way - but we weren't asked for money, I just chose to give it.

Billy Joel to write next JL ad about greedy wedding lists

Gosh. Is it always greedy and vulgar, in your opinion, Blu?

Oh, I sent a gift list with my wedding invite. I thought it would be quicker. I didn't feel great about it though and in restrospect wish I hadn't, but noone thought it odd or rude.

Money is fine in my view - lots of societies do it. I've been to weddings of which half wanted gifts and the other half would expect money.

Perhaps all these cultures are rude and vulgar? Don't think so.

Not so keen on the poems though.

IMO, it's greedy and vulgar to state in an invite that you want money and not give any other option.

Because it implies that money is the only acceptable gift.

If you don't need anything, then you don't need gifts at all.

Would you invite people to any party other than a wedding and put on the invite that you want only money as a gift (none of those pesky bottles of wine, chocolates, plants, etc. that you'll just bin or charity shop)?

At Christmas, do you put a wish list in cards or a tacky poem saying, 'I have everything I need so if you're going to give me anything, make it money'?

blu

brilliant link - love it!

giveit, the 'cultures' thing isn't a good argument. There are places in the world where it'd be perfectly acceptable for me to swan around with my boobs out - but I imagine if I did it in Milton Keynes of an afternoon, I would appear both rude and vulgar (at the least! ).

I don't much like lists in invitations, but I reckon there's a big difference between a list of little 5-10 pound presents and a few biggies, and one of those up-yourself 'we want half of Currys and a new kitchen' lists.

Or your PayPal account details!

Or your website address justgrabbing.co.uk :o.

Ah, wedding websites ... the joy. I know someone who chronicled (with pictures) her 'wedding journey' including the hand-making of the bridesmaids' headdresses. I couldn't help feeling if she'd put as much energy into her paid job, she'd have been promoted several times and wouldn't have needed the wedding money!

Seriously, LittleRed?

Too much time on her hands!

To be fair, I don't think making headdresses takes that long ... it's the taking photos, making the website ... and assuming someone will want to read all about it, that seems a bit strange.

When we got married - 12 years ago now, we were impoverished students and none of this twee poems and asking for money went on. I hate the poems asking for money.

We had a list at debenhams but had things in price from £1 upto £150, and the list number went out on request with the general info pack, with the list of local hotels and the map showing the various locations. Some Uni friends clubbed togeher bought us some steel kitchen utensils and holder - which are still in daily use today and i love that they have memories to them. I guess it helps we were setting up home together but most of the day to day thing DH and i still use were wedding presents.

I'm still shocked that so many people are annoyed by the inclusion of a gift list! So, was my "we don;t really need anything but if you want to give us something then we'd like vouchers from X shop as we'd really love to buy [expensive piece of furniture], or Oxfam charity gifts" offensive? Really?! I think at the guests at my wedding and I can't think of any that would be offended by that. They may not want to do that (and gave us presents instead, noone gave us nothing) but offended? No!