Wedding gift etiquette

[petal2008]

We have been invited to a friend's fourth (!) wedding.

Along with the invitation was a poem basically saying don't buy a gift as we have got everything we need - we want the money to go on holiday.

Surely it's up to us to ask if there is a wedding list and be told "actually we haven't got one but a voucher or the cash would be nice".

My DH says I'm being too sensitive as would be spending money on a gift anyway so we I won't have to worry about going out to buy anything. I know all this is true but feel a bit pissed off about it.

I've got a special birthday this year but won't invite people to my party saying don't bother about the present but I'll have the money.

Oh none taken expat - I thought you were probably joking. DH isnt that bad really either - just gets a bit pedantic when I'm ranting () and I didnt really give him a dirty look.

There's nothing wrong with contributing towards somebody's honeymoon if that's what you choose to do, but there's everything wrong with asking for people's contributions. Tacky, unclassy, crude and vulgar.

what perfumedlife wrote.

I was invited to a wedding [very last minute] and I was suspicious as to why we were invited at all. Mother of bride asked me if we were going to attend [did someone drop out?], menu etc. I then asked her what the couple would like, reply was money. I felt it was a cheek, a bit upfront 'they want the money'. I didn't have time to get outfit, prepare anything, so I thought sod it, I'll get them a present whether they like it or not! I really didn't want her thinking,is that all they put in or going over the top.

I've posted about this topic before,but will post again. Gift lists and 'begging' for monet for wedding is a personal bug bear of mine. I usually give money or vouchers, but i really hate being ASKED for them. It is the height of vulgarity.

Sorry ,'money'

What if the couple need money more, though? Dsis lives in a tiny flat with her now DH. Within a year they will almost certainly be working abroad and will have to put things in storage. They had a little list, but asked for mainly vouchers/money. They have v. little money - both have just finished uni. Dsis made her own cake and other stuff for the wedding.
We gave money ages before the wedding, which she used for her dress and bridesmaid's dress, but she could have used it for honeymoon or kept it for furnishing her house when she eventually gets one...I'd rather she had something of use to her, tbh.

I like lists.

Don't ask for it, my. People realise someone just out of uni who's going abroad needs money, they're not stupid.

It's when it's put in the invite: oh, give me money.

Agree with expat (doing that a lot ) I also put money in a lot of the time, it's not hard to size up the circumstances of friends and know what would be best. But to ask, however nicely, is very bad form.

Even to hint makes me shudder.

minipie get them a hammock! I was a little unsure when we got a hammock (from a friend of my dh, who I had never met before) as a wedding present, but it was a really good hammock and I loved it, when I eventually moved into a house with a garden fit for a hammock. I am going to a wedding soon, someone I have never met, and who works with dh, he doesn't know what to get and I really want to get them one.I have this hammock now as we/the dc wore out the first one - it is big enough for two adults or 4 children.

I was recently invited to a Wedding Ball by my husbands friend. The couple had already got married in the carribean and been on a 3 week honeymoon before the invitation was recieved. It contained pictures of their new home, wedding and honeymoon....oh, and also one of those poems asking for money. (For what exactly?????)The wedding was in Dublin far away from our home in sunny scotland and was at a hotel costing £140 per night. oh and it was black tie so suit hire and an especially bought dress were a requirement.

2 weeks after the wedding I recieved a text saying that they hadn't recieved a card with money from us.....had they misplaced it?

Well I gave it to the best man, so they certainly must have.

It just smacks of its your money we want not your company!

Dh and I have been married for 10 years and got married when the couple in question were skint students.....what do you think that they got us?????

"Tacky", "vulgar", "offensive", "crass" - goodness, perhaps if you of of the ilk to be offended by being asked to attend a wedding, then you should perhaps stay away. Personally I like going to weddings and I like giving gifts, preferably gifts which will be used and appreciated rather than hidden in a cupboard. I have already mentioned how we worded our guest list and goodness, do you know what? We had a cash bar in the evening as well! After the meal and toast drinks had been served of course. I don't know any rich people who have absolutely loads of things of the type that some of you describe, and I am certainly not one myself. When people say "they have everything they need" it's doesn't actually necessarily mean their house is full to bursting with the latest gadgets and consumer goods - in our case it was that our house was (very basically) furnished. Of the people who were invited to our wedding they all came, and goodness me, they are still speaking to us and friends with us! Thank goodness the people I know don't have such delicate standards as to judge us as tacky, vulgar and offensive - in fact when the subject of our wedding is ever rarely brought up, everyone smiles and says what a lovely and special day it was. They don't purse their lips in disapproval. If I had known that there were such sensitive souls out there then maybe we would have thought twice about the whole thing but I had no idea.

And before anyone mentions the timing of this post, I can't sleep tonight!

'2 weeks after the wedding I recieved a text saying that they hadn't recieved a card with money from us.....had they misplaced it?'

And you'd still given them money after they gave you that tacky invite?! Seriously?

The cheek of sending a text is so far beyond the pale I think I'd start treating them with a wide berth in between.

I think this all boils down to how it is worded. The example from Duchess is hilarious vulgar and grasping. But not all of them are.

I really don't mind giving money at all, as I get older, I often am relieved top not have to go shopping. I was brought up to not ask for gifts, or expect them. It may seem a meaningless dance, but people used to call up the matron of honour or mother or sister of the bride and they would have a list or tell where they were registered.
I think it is tacky, but my husband has garden gnomes,even a couple in MY kitchen, so I can't really object much.

'Oh please! Don't try to turn this into some sort of quasi-racist means to sway your argument, that people who don't agree are racist. Because Britain does have its own society as well, its own values and such. And in its tradition it's not polite to put a statement in invites that you want money as gifts.'

expat, as someone of immigrant stock, I find it staggering that you, also of immigrant stock, think that those with their own cultural heritage should bin it when it comes to weddings so as not to offend the natives.

My family's Greek-Cypriot, but DH's isn't, so in our invitations we just said that we weren't having a wedding list, but we were inviting guests to pin money on us as we danced in accordance with Greek-Cypriot tradition.

We didn't need presents because we had everything we needed, having lived together for a couple of years, so a wedding list would have been pointless, even if more in accordance with British cultural tradition. And it never even occurred to us move our wedding to Cyprus just so that we would avoid offending the delicate sensibilities of our non-Cypriot guests.

Most people pinned money, some gave cheques in cards, but only three people gave us presents (a mirror that's actually quite nice and is hanging in our hallway now, a hideous wine coaster that went to Oxfam, and a silver-plated plaque in red velvet-lined box with our names (incorrectly spelled) and the date of our wedding, which is languishing in the loft because we can't think what to do with it).

But whether it's the cultural norm to request money or not, I don't know why so many of you are so het up about it, or about wedding lists, and even silly poems. It's the bride and groom's day, not yours, and as long as they're not asking you to pay for your meal and drinks, or the wedding list isn't from a hideously expensive shop, then I just don't see what the problem is.

However, I do think that asking for any presents or money for a fourth wedding is a bit off so, OP, YABU to be annoyed about it. I'd still go to the wedding, and I would give money (although not very much), but in the form of vouchers for a high street shop.

'expat, as someone of immigrant stock, I find it staggering that you, also of immigrant stock, think that those with their own cultural heritage should bin it when it comes to weddings so as not to offend the natives. '

I don't. Never said I did. People are using 'It's done in Asia/Greece, etc.' as an excuse when they're nothing but straight up English from here back to Ethelbert the Red.

I find it funny that people who ask for money take offense when others point out they find it tacky and vulgar.

It's no one's 'day'. No one own's a day, for the love of Pete, but it's precisely this sense of entitlement that makes some brides and grooms believe that anything they do is fine and if people don't go along with it, they're the bad guy.

If I am invited to a wedding it is usually because I am a friend.

If I am a friend, I would be a good friend and give them cash or vouchers if this is what they have asked for.

A good friend IMO does not deliberately set out to annoy her friend on a special day be it 1st 2nd 3rd or 4th marriage.

If you cannot do this, then you shouldn't go.

What difference does it make giving her the equivalent in cash as what you would spend on a gift?

YABU.

My niece and fiance asked for money for a dining table. I was not too happy at being asked, in verse, for this but went along with it. At the wedding there was a 'wishing well' complete with white ribbons, on the top table for us to put our envelopes in - totally tacky IMHO.
The worst one was my neighbours who DID have a list, but it was an online thing and you just bought the gift which was delivered to the bride and groom a few weeks after the wedding ( I know because I saw the big van of stuff arrive). I am sorry that I have never even seen the lovely gift I selected from the extensive list they had compiled
Totally numb experience for the guest.

Isn't that the norm with and online wedding list though Dorothy? As for those who have caused the offence taking offence, then in all honesty I am a little offended at total strangers insisting the likes of my beloved parents who hosted my wedding being described as tacky, vulgar and offensive by people who weren't there and who don't know them, when they are absolutely nothing of the sort. For MNers who howl about others being "judgemental" on other threads, well, it seems a little judgemental to me. If I talked about overweight people not being deserving of IVF, or children with special needs just needing discipline or people who smoke don't deserve NHS treatment, I would rightly get flamed. But I don't because I realise that everyone is an individual and everyone's situation is unique and I wouldn't call someone names because I would do something differently.

I still maintain that if you are offended by a wedding invitation, then don't go. You are not indispensable.

As I said ariesgirl, I frequently give money as a gift, especially if the couple have a home and all the bits, I still think it's tacky in the extreme to make mention of it in an invite, or anywhere for that matter.

But don't take it personally, if you had a lovely day, that's the main thing.

Tacky is as tacky does I guess. We'll have to agree to differ (though I did mention that it was merely a suggestion when people asked what we would really like, that we said any contributions to our honeymoon would be very welcome thank you).

Oh well. I give money at weddings. And I don't care.

A nice wedding I went to last year asked for contributions to the RNLI if people wanted to give. They were both in their 40s and were well off already. I thought that was a lovely idea.

What I hate is the smugness of people who give/ask for money.

I went to a couple of 'poem cash list' weddings and grudgingly wrote a bigger check than I wanted to (family weddings; keeping the peace). The couple's who'd asked for money smugly gave us exactly the same amount with pointed comments about how much we must need money and how we didn't need to send thank-you notes (they hadn't bothered themselves) as it was 'only a little bit of money').

It was the most joyless thing I've seen - twats. I got more out of DH's grandmother giving us a hideous gilded and painted knick-knack of cooing doves than the money gifts, and that's saying something as it was as ugly an ornament as it sounds.

Oh, and they are convinced theirs was the only 'helpful' or 'useful' gift. Bollocks to that, my friends and the rest of my family know me well enough to buy me a present even if they don't.