Wedding gift etiquette

[petal2008]

We have been invited to a friend's fourth (!) wedding.

Along with the invitation was a poem basically saying don't buy a gift as we have got everything we need - we want the money to go on holiday.

Surely it's up to us to ask if there is a wedding list and be told "actually we haven't got one but a voucher or the cash would be nice".

My DH says I'm being too sensitive as would be spending money on a gift anyway so we I won't have to worry about going out to buy anything. I know all this is true but feel a bit pissed off about it.

I've got a special birthday this year but won't invite people to my party saying don't bother about the present but I'll have the money.

A wedding list for a first wedding is fine and quite accepted as normal etiquette. Asking for money is vulgar - almost as vulgar as inviting people to come and then expecting them to buy their own drinks when they get there!

I didn't ask for money, but I could afford my wedding. I'd have been happy if my bro had asked, because things were very tight for him and his fiancee, and they are lovely, and deserved a nice break.

Those are the kind of invites where you wonder why they don't just charge admission and be done with it, WMC.

My folks got one like that, from a friend's granddaughter.

My dad didn't even know what PayPal is! Nor did my mum.

My sister had to clue them up.

They didn't go or send money along. :o

I'd actually prefer not to be invited to most weddings actually. It's much nicer to meet up with people afterwards, take a gift and have lunch.

Asking for cash is all wrong but I think contributing to a honeymoon in a different way is ok.

When a friend of mine got married a few years ago his sister wrote to us all explaining an idea to give the happy couple a trip of a lifetime to Australia and New Zealand. The idea was to buy them an experience e.g. wine tasting, Maori evening etc. I thought it was weird at first but sort of made sense in the end. They'd been living together for years and so had all the toasters they needed. They had an amazing time and will always remember it.

A Spanish friend of mine said that it is now expected in Spain to bring 100 Euros per guest as a wedding gift. I was shocked.

Don't have anything against gift lists per se, as long as they have a good range of gifts, so that guests who are not in a position to spend lots of money can choose something modest.

Personally hate requests for cash or vouchers - think it's just rude.

Like the charity lists, e.g. Oxfam wedding lists - especially for second-timers or people who have cohabited and don't need stuff to 'set up' house.

Part of the issue of people asking directly for money or pointing out the great expense of their weddings stems from the trend to spend greater and greater amounts of money on a wedding. There is no need for a limo / string quartet / designer dress / professional photographers / honeymoon in Barbados etc. At the end of the day the marriage gets lost amongst all those trappings. But once people start spending tens of thousands of pounds on one day, they also start expecting guests to pay their way - it's rather a shame IMHO.

lagrandissima you have hit the nail on the head with your last point there.

ariesgirl, I am not offended by invites requesting money, I just find it tacky, vulgar and uncalled for. If you want a holiday, save for it.

When you give a party, the key word is 'give'.

I think one of the problems is that in times when some people are struggling financially -with cash gifts there is nowhere to hide - the bride groom and lots of others know exactly what you've spent. For example some friends of ours got married few years ago and we needed a wedding like a hole in the head at that time - birthdays/central heating packed up blah blah - we actually thought of politely declining as they werent particularly close or old friends - though very nice people. I was walking round shops and saw a beautiful - very classic crystal vase - reduced to £20 from about £80 and I knew they needed one or two vases 'so as to not waste all the flowers after the wedding' as bride said. So I bought it and even got it gift wrapped for £18 in the end as had extra discount. They absolutely loved it but had they said 'cash only' wouldnt have gone probably - the shame of putting £18 in a card .

But Suda, surely vases are right up there with toasters and kettles in the straight-to-bin gift category.

Within the last 3yrs all the wedding invitations we have received have requested either money, money for a conservatory, money for a honeymoon, money for spending on the honeymoon & er oh yeah, money!
My BIL is due to get married soon & they have asked for money, bear in mind my DH has spent £800 attending the stag weekend, outfits for the family, petrol, kennels, time off work.......

I cannot remember the last time I was invited to a wedding where the bride and groom had not asked for money to go towards a trip. It's become the norm and I completely HATE it.

I would rather they just came out and asked me straight for the money. The god-awful tweeness of the poems makes me not want to attend the wedding at all!

It's worse even than the request that I pay for your honeymoon when your wedding has meant I can't afford a summer holiday.

The trick, of course, is to set up a wedding list at John Lewis then return everything after the wedding for vouchers and use them for your Waitrose shopping for the next few months!

That'll be a 'no' EXPAT - they still have it years later in their bay window - see it most weeks driving past - and there are vases and well vases really arent there ? And the bride had said she needed a glass vase or vases as I said.

Are you related to my DH by any chance - he does that - 'picks' up on a detail and completely bypasses point I'm making.

Asking for cash is deeply vulgar. I can't believe people blatantly request money without feeling extremely embarrassed. Urgh.

Suda, my post was meant as a joke because there have been dozens of posts on here on about 3 threads running in the past couple of days moaning about getting toasters, kettles and vases are gifts if the couple don't demand cash.

I think there is a big difference between people expecting to be given money, and asking for bank details; and when asked what they would like for a wedding gift to ask for vouchers etc. In our case we only invited close family and friends to the daytime. We had people saying that they were going to get us something whether we told them what we wanted or not. I had at least five people sayn 'don't tell me you don't want anything, because we are going to get you something anyway and would rather get you something you want'. I was uncomfortable with a gift list because it dictated how much people could spend. I didn't know if you were meant to put a range of gifts at a certain price, or all cheap ones, or in fact, what the average price for these things would be. So what happens when all the cheaper gifts are gone? And I know some people would not be able to afford gifts, like my Grandad for example. He still wanted to get us something, and it meant he could put £5 in a card. When people are talking about these cash gifts, are they talking £50s or £100s, because that certainly wasn't the case with us, and certainly not what we asked for or wanted. We would never have demanded, or expected. But when people were insisting on getting us something, was I meant to allow them to waste their money on something we didn't have room for or didn't need, or have their money really help us out starting up our home by collating a few people's contributions and being able to buy something more expensive (i.e. carpet, bath door etc)?

Oh let's get to the real heart of the matter. Stop pretending it's oh so reasonable and all about not wasting people's precious money on gifts 'we don't need or already have'. If that was the case, just say no gifts thanks, we need nothing atall. Or charity. But people don't because they think, ok, got the house kitted out, might as well get the honeymoon paid for.

And if people really insisted on a gift, you can always recycle it, ebay it or whatever.

It's horrible, I won't be convinced otherwise.

Yes WELLSIE my DH is going on a stag night holiday (just when did that happen?)and it will cost him hundreds obviously - flights hotel etc etc for long weekend. I have to go on hen weekend at the races night (again when did that happen ?} - which will cost me another fortune - gambling,lunch,outfit,big hat,night in hotel/ B&B etc etc. Then theres the wedding itself - if we are not in the workhouse by then !! Week between Xmas and New Year aswell - bah humbug.

I wouldn't want to sell or recycle a gift that someone has put thought into. I think thats awful. So it would end up sat in a cupboard never being used.

We did say to people that we didn't want gifts, but when people say 'we are going to get you something anyway, so would rather something you want' what are you meant to say?

Btw, I'm not trying to convince you anything.

When we got married we said if people wanted to get us gifts we would like either john lewis vouchers as there was a specific piece of furniture we wanted that we would likely use our entire married life, or something from Oxfam GoodGifts. I don't understand why this would offend some people, but I know it does. A lot of people got us vouchers and a gift, but (most of) the gifts ended up stuffed in a cupboard as we didn't need anything, sad but true.

I'm surprised that so many people on here are offended by even gift lists in invitations, as how often are you going to not buy a gift? And if you do surely you want to get something they want rather than something random. Personally I don't like gift lists but other people's don't offend me, they're just not my style. What does offend me, however, is gift lists included in evening-only invitations, grrrrrrrr!

I went to a wedding ten years ago where they requested (can't remember if it was a suggestion or a "we want...") travel vouchers towards their honeymoon, and one of our mutual friends was horrified and bought them a sandwhich toaster!

As lots of people have said, most people cohabit and a have a home set up before they marry. People want to give the happy couple something they will enjoy and cherish, so if this happens to be money towards a fab honeymoon, or vouchers towards a posh dining table, so what?

But fourth wedding, bit cheeky........!!!!

It's very much a cultural thing too. In Ireland cash is the norm and many couples get loans out to pay for the wedding then pay it off with the wedding gifts (don't flame me for that, I've be told that from an Irish person!)

I agree lovechild, about 80% of the people that came to our wedding are from big Irish families, 'tis probably why people didn't take offence in our case. But, each to their own...