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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have an MN name which doesn't show that I'm a dad not a mum?

223 replies

Cleggy36 · 13/09/2010 14:45

I assume that most people's working assumption (if they think about it) would be that posters on MN are mums not dads. Sometimes I feel that it's slightly cheating to have a name which doesn't clarify things, so I always end up trying to make it clear in anything I post that my point of view is that of a 46 year old bloke not a 23 year old woman.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 12:32

my DH would love to be a SAHD

BeenBeta · 14/09/2010 12:58

LostinZug - yes I can identify with what your DH says. The look of suspicion I sometimes get form women is very noticeable. Small tings like the Mum who came up to me a few months back at the school gate, thrust a piece of paper and dashed off after blurtng out 'this is for your wife'. It turned out to be a list of names and contact numbers for parents of children in the class. I nearly shouted after her "I dont bite you know". Grin

Do you live in Zug by the way. I used to work for a company based there?

Original poster
Cleggy36 · 14/09/2010 13:11

I must have been lucky. Our local baby & toddler group was a struggle - nobody really wanted to know me there apart from the (much older) ladies who ran it. Primary school was completely different though - the mums in the playground were extremely friendly, teachers were pleased to have a dad helping in the classroom a couple of times a week and the head teacher was happy to have a parent around who could unblock the boys urinals in stead of her.

OP posts:
barrygarlow · 14/09/2010 13:19

Cleggy36
My kids are nearly 5(dd) and 2 1/2(ds)
dd started school full time this term. I dont know what I will do when ds starts school in a few years

BeenBeta
I am newish

LostInZug
Thankfully at my toddler group we have no paranoid mums. I have been going over 4 years and they are used to me. If I see a child fall over I will pick it up and if a child comes to me with a toy (like little ones do) I will talk to her/him and God forbid I have been known to pick children up and sit them on my knee

Original poster
Cleggy36 · 14/09/2010 13:29

My advice would be to get involved with the school - help in class (assuming the school welcomes that) run a club at lunchtimes (chess, gardening, football, anything), become a governor, join the PTFA. It will work interms of logistics because you can take the children to school and then stay there to help and you will soon find that at least some of the othe rparents will like you and be friendly.

You will be surprised how quickly you go from "What will I do all day?" to "How will I fit it all in before they get home?".

OP posts:
DinahRod · 14/09/2010 13:34

Dh has suggested he prints onto a T-shirt his enhanced CRB check when picking up the dcs from school.

He knows about MN but don't think he'd venture on it; his soh is far too puerile and he'd get a kicking Grin

jabberwocky · 14/09/2010 13:42

Dh is a SAHD and while he doesn't post on MN (at least..that I know of..) he initially had a rather hard time getting to know the other mothers at school, etc. So I would completely understand if he DID want to post here.

And,Pan, always a pleasure to talk with you. I have had a really marvelous summer with ds1. He is 7 now and I think we have finally hit the stage that you got to with your dd a while back. He is and always will be my quirky son but in a very enjoyable way - well, most of the time Wink

daftpunk · 14/09/2010 13:49

I don't think anyone cares tbh, this isn't a dating site so what does it matter?

I always assume 99% of the posters on here are women because they probably are...but finding out someone's a man isn't shock of the century......relax.

BeenBeta · 14/09/2010 14:23

Dinah - actually thats a good thought. I do have newly minted Enhanced CRB and a clean ACRO criminal record search to my name. Grin

Shame I seriously fell out with the Head of the PTA two months ago. I've only met her twice. Sad

DinahRod · 14/09/2010 14:41

Beta, how?

Upset her further, become Chair of Governors.

BeenBeta · 14/09/2010 15:07

I made some suggestions she didn't like.

Governors at our school are only invited on to the Board by other Governors. You can't volunteer.

Its OK DSs are leaving the school next year. I'm not that bothered. Its just a very traditional place where we live with Mums staying at home and Dads going out to work.

nickelbabe · 14/09/2010 15:18

someone's pretending to be me on urban dictionary
i definitely didn't write that.... Hmm

HecateQueenOfWitches · 14/09/2010 15:28

Who cares if the poster is male or female? It's just chatting, giving and receiving advice, having a laugh. Gender is not relevant.

I know some posters have an arrrgghhh man on mums net man on mums net thing going on, but really

It makes me laugh because it's such a sexist stereotype what men should do where men should be what men should talk about what a man's motivations are (I would imagine wanting to talk, same as a woman's Hmm ). And often from people who define themselves first and foremost as feminists so should be aware enough to stay away from gender stereotypes and assumptions.

cupcakesandbunting · 14/09/2010 15:45

There's a SAHD (I assume he is a SAHD and not a "manny" Grin) who is at the park a lot when I take DS. If he was a woman, I would have got nattering to him by now. He's very good-looking and I know what the other mums would think if I chatted to him.

I hope he doesn't think we're shy of talking to him because we think he's a paedo. it's because we're all Blush.

DinahRod · 14/09/2010 15:57

My father made suggestions re fund-raising that the Chair of the PTA responded very stiffly to, along the lines of, 'if you could do better..." and my father was duly instatedGrin

Fortunately he really did have some profitable ideas, took 3 days to raise the previous year's total, but it was a slippery slope as he ended up being chair of governors.

BarmyArmy · 14/09/2010 16:16

FWIW, I've found MN quite instructive and a bit of an eye-opener.

I think it will always be women-heavy with a mere dusting of men here and there but that's no bad thing.

zazen · 14/09/2010 18:43

Well, of course my views are not typical Grin I have my own opinion and experience which informs it.

I don't think I'm suspicious pan, I just wonder what is lacking in a bloke's life that he comes on to mumsnet, and can't survive the blokes' sites. Are there no parenting sites for men?

As someone who has been working with blokes and listening to their sexist crap for years, and being discriminated against all my working life, yes I come onto Mumsnet to chat to other mums, not dads, and certainly not needy 'look at me' men.
And like your DH, I can always tell gender from the posting stylee prettybird.

I guess I get enough 'look at me behaviour' from the children in my life - and that's fair enough from them - they are after all a pure ego - but I certainly don't want it from any adults in my life - IRL or even here as posters, so I find it annoys me!

There's no need to be rude cupcakesnadbunting! "I'm surprised that Zazen allowed her man close enough to her to be able to conceive. She seems to have such a problem with men. Weird."

And to TiggyD or whatever you are called, no I don't think men and women can be friends. Not if you have a wife. And if you do have one, how does she feel that you are chatting to all these women? Just MHO based on my own experience, and from observation.

Now, maybe I am over reacting a bit to this OP from Cleggy36 as I've just come from a thread on the relationships board where there was some arse bloke on complaining that women on the relationships thread were always complaining about 'their' lives, and what about the men, Oh what about the men? Why didn't they get a look in? and to remind everyone after all we are only hearing one side of the story..
and I also have in mind another thread last week when some bloke was asking people to help him in his relationship after he and his partner had a baby - that one went on for quite a long time, where quite a few people were really trying to help him, and disclosing personal information about their own lives / libedos post baby: he spun quite a believable story before he began to ask for peoples' details to give them sex advice..

So, sorry if I ruffled any feathers.

I don't mind any parent posting, I just can always spot the bloke, so you are not invisible nor just pixels on a screen to me.

And when blokes post here it gets me wondering:
why they are here on a predominantly women's forum - what are they out to prove to themselves - are they just looking for attention - who are they looking for really - their own mummy? their wife? their Xwife?

So I suppose I'm curious. Maybe overly so!

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 19:02

zazen, I get you

after all there have been many examples of fuckhead blokes using MN in a dodgy manner

however, as in RL, most blokes are decent and although I can't ever imagine my own DH posting on here, I know he has lurked on occasion

if only to see what the hell I do on here for hours on end Wink

that didn't go down too well with me, btw, but that is another story and a namechange or two in the past Smile

I enjoy the odd little interaction with the blokes on here, but like someone said, it very clearly isn't a dating site and that is just fine

although, I do believe, in the mists of MN history there was a scanadal Shock

TiggyD · 14/09/2010 19:21

If you don't think men and women can be friends I pity you. You're ignoring half the population in case your partner gets upset? He's not allowed to make friends with people who happen to be female?
If I were to find a wife (very unlikely)it wouldn't be a problem, as I could never get close to somebody who is so suspicious and jealous that she vetoes my friends.

Ryuk · 14/09/2010 19:30

Hi zazen, I'm a bisexual.

Does that mean I'm not allowed to talk to anyone?

CaptainNancy · 14/09/2010 19:38

Pag- I think you'll find Swedes made the cock picture for male posters about 2 years ago! Grin

CaptainNancy · 14/09/2010 19:42

bugger- I missed the word "suggestion" out...

prettybird · 14/09/2010 19:43

My dh has female friends in RL Shock and I am not threatened by them! He'll even meet them for coffee Shock without me there ShockShock

I have no issues at all with the fact that he uses Mumsnet on occasion. In fact, when we are having problems (as any marriage does on occasion) it can be useful for him to come on here to get a female perspective and realise that perhaps IANBU Grin - or indeed, perhaps have confirmed that IAMBU Blush

I also have male friends - and shock horror, he is not threatened by them.

I think it is very sad that some people think that we should not be friends with 50% of the human race :(

Pan · 14/09/2010 19:52

zazen - I am afraid your narrowness and suspicions are clear whilst you are in the process of claiming you don't have any.

For me I outlined what brought me to MN and why I still post albeit intermittently, and my interest is entirely authentic. Evenso, you have managed to deride all the dads here, in very insulting terms. As for 'men's sites', to be 'survived' (implying some machoness required) wander closely to fathers4justice types which I find anathema, as do prob. other dads on here.

and yes men and women in RL and on forums can be, and regularly are, friends, but you don't seem to have the maturity to grasp this as yet. Maybe one day?

You don't come across as someone who is readily prepared to reconsider their views, so we can only recognise that we differ on many things, and get on despite this.

Pan · 14/09/2010 19:57

Sorry, also zazen I know you can't 'spot' blokes on here - this talent would require aptitudes you don't appear to possess. With gender being important for some I have put a 'profile' detail, so if anyone is in doubt the can check.

Ryuk - a very longstanding and dear friend of mine gets that sort of reaction A LOT, from pidgeon-holers who can't see beyond 'gayman' and 'lesbianwoman' - and often from people who see championing sexual orientation liberation as something close to them.