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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want MIL to refer to my son as her baby?

204 replies

jumblequeen · 01/09/2010 17:21

I should say from the off that I have a very good relationship with my MIL. Apart from this one issue, I think she's absolutely wonderful but that almost makes it harder to broach the subject. She keeps on saying "my baby" when referring to my son and it's really getting on my nerves. He's not hers, he's mine! I may have a touch of precious-first-born syndrome here but still... AIBU or should I say something? If so, how?!

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 01/09/2010 17:23

I wouldnt like that either but I cant abide my mil. Do you feel like you could say something

SacharissaCripslock · 01/09/2010 17:24

I wouldn't say anything, especially if you usually have a very good relationship with her. She'll end up being hurt and offended probably. Just grit your teeth when she says it - she loves your baby and that's the main thing.

BTW, it would annoy me too but I really don't think it's worth causing any upset over.

DilysPrice · 01/09/2010 17:24

Don't say anything. Really, she's a great MIL, who does one thing that gets on your nerves - count yourself lucky, and feel free to hand "her baby" over to her for nappy changes.

(which is not to say that YABU for being annoyed, I can see that it might be irritating)

bamboostalks · 01/09/2010 17:25

Well if everything else is rosy, I would be tempted to swallow it. It only shows how much she loves him. No one is perfect.

nikki1978 · 01/09/2010 17:25

Ah my MIL and Mum say this about my DC and I think it is lovely. They always say they love them almost as much as I do :)

I wouldn't say anything as it really isn't a big deal and it is nice that she wants to be so close to him. It would probably really upset her if you said something.

PosieParker · 01/09/2010 17:25

Don't say anything. It's 'nice' although irritated the crap out of me when my MIL did it. Now though it's really nice for the dcs to hear some say 'my special girl' or 'my gorgeous boy'. Grit your teeth and don't let it bother you, everyone knows he's yours!!

ShowOfHands · 01/09/2010 17:25

Leave it.

She doesn't mean that she thinks he's her baby, she means she feels attached to him, that he's special.

I've said this before, but all that love you have for your ds, the way your heart swells when you look at him, how hopeful you are for his future? Well your MIL felt like that about her ds and she has watched him grow. She has seen him change from a vulnerable little baby to a boisterous toddler and all the way to a Dad himself. She is probably so proud of him and his wife and their beautiful new baby and overwhelmed by how much she loves that new baby.

Honestly, it's wonderful that she feels so close to your ds.

wonka · 01/09/2010 17:25

I think YABU. Babies are not property, they belong with you as part of a family just as she is part of your family. He is part of her family that is all she means by 'my baby'. My mother always says this about our boys too, I love that she cares enough to feel so attached to them! But no doubt you will find some people who agree with you too..;

Just13moreyearstogo · 01/09/2010 17:27

When your baby is pulling everything out of every drawer, scribbling on the walls and tipping his food over his head you'll be so relieved that your MIL loves him so much you won't care if she calls him Adolf as long as she'll look after him for a couple of hours Grin

morganlebuffay · 01/09/2010 17:27

Hmm. I wouldn't ask her not to say it, as she's otherwise a great MIL, but I might try and be a bit subtle, e.g. if she says "Where's my baby?", hand him over with a smile and say "Here's your grandson". Not in a really pointed way, just in the hope that she'd unconsciously pick up on it.

MorrisZapp · 01/09/2010 17:29

Lovely post, showofhands.

I agree, this isn't worth making a fuss about. Actually I call my neice 'my wee pet', 'my darling' etc and have never given it a second thought.

I'd have thought it would take some pretty twisty gymnastics to try to make me out as if I was claiming to be her mother.

MissWooWoo · 01/09/2010 17:31

YANBU it is your baby and it's perfectly normal to feel this way but I would leave it, grin and bear it. Don't feel guilty about feeling this way but do let it go in one ear and out the other, she doesn't mean anything by it. It's natural to feel territorial.

ChippingIn · 01/09/2010 17:32

I can understand you feeling like 'He's not your baby he's my baby'... but honestly, it's just a sign of affection - she doesn't mean anything bad by it, just that she loves him.

Try not to let it get to you - try to see it for what it is.

I think SOH explained it the best!

Original poster
jumblequeen · 01/09/2010 17:34

Yes, you're all right... I kind of thought that's what people would say. I suppose I just needed someone to tell me to suck it up! I think it just irritates me because if it was my own mother I'd feel comfortable saying something (even if only in a jokey non-confrontational way).

Lovely post showofhands

Good point Just13moreyearstogo!

Deep breaths... thanks ladies Smile

OP posts:
loonyrationalist · 01/09/2010 17:34

I agree lovely post Showofhands

Great point by Wonka too - try to think of her "my baby" as short hand for "the baby in my family"

BuckBuckMcFate · 01/09/2010 17:36

Very well said Show of Hands Smile

My mum refers to all of mine as 'my most handsome/gorgeous/wonderful/clever/funny/boy/girl' while she squeezes them tightly. It really is a case of being able to see just how much she loves them.

And I think that it is great that my DC have other people in their lives who think they are as wonderful as I do.

KurriKurri · 01/09/2010 17:36

I wouldn't say anything if you get on with her - you'll hurt her feelings, and in the big scheme of things its not that bad is it? I mean, he's 'her's' as in a member of her family, and he is a baby.

It's just a way of talking.

skidoodly · 01/09/2010 17:37

Yabu

He is hers too - her grandson.

Why so competitive? You're the child's mother, you're the most important person. Does other people loving him too really spoil that for you?

My Dad used to say this about DD1 when she was first born. It was really sweet.

capricorn76 · 01/09/2010 17:37

I know how you feel my baby isn't even born yet and my Dad keeps referring to her as 'his baby'. I don't know why but it bothers me. I haven't even had a chance to meet her yet my dad, who I adore btw, is already making claims on her!

NormalityBites · 01/09/2010 17:39

My MIL says 'Come here to Mummy - I mean Granny' 'Mummy's got you - I mean Granny's got you' as well as 'My special girl' 'my baby'

As a baby, she thought nothing of taking her off 'for a walk' 'for a special cuddle' etc when all the kid wanted was her mother and would scream when taken from me.

She thinks nothing of stepping in between my daughter and I, snatching her up - when my daughter is running to me in tears having fallen over or suchlike.

I forgave her at first thinking it was just habit, but her youngest kid is over 30. She is only in her 50s and not senile, and she's been a Granny for over 4 years.

Gives me great pleasure when my daughter shouts NO GRANNY I WANT MUMMY Grin

Original poster
jumblequeen · 01/09/2010 17:45

Blimey, NormalityBites that's a different kettle of fish!

skidoodly - I'm not being competitive, it just irks me. Nor do I feel that he's "my property"... I can't quite put my finger on it, but as others have mentioned, there's no malice behind what's she's saying so I should (and will!) grit my teeth.

OP posts:
UnholyMoley · 01/09/2010 17:48

At least she doesn't call him a 'people puppy', like my MIL did Hmm

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 01/09/2010 17:59

My MIL calls my DD "cheeky girl"..... which she also calls her dogs Hmm

Heracles · 01/09/2010 17:59

I call my cat my baby. I don't really think she's my baby.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 01/09/2010 18:20

Perhaps you could come up with some affectionate term you'd be happy for her to use, and start using it lots when you are around her - ie. little bunny or little monkey - so when you hand your ds to her, you say 'here's granny's little monkey', or when she's holding him - 'Ahhh - look how much granny's little monkey loves his gran' - and keep going with it until it catches on.