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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not want MIL to refer to my son as her baby?

204 replies

jumblequeen · 01/09/2010 17:21

I should say from the off that I have a very good relationship with my MIL. Apart from this one issue, I think she's absolutely wonderful but that almost makes it harder to broach the subject. She keeps on saying "my baby" when referring to my son and it's really getting on my nerves. He's not hers, he's mine! I may have a touch of precious-first-born syndrome here but still... AIBU or should I say something? If so, how?!

OP posts:

Itsonme · 01/09/2010 18:43

Seriously? Are you for real?

If that's all you've got to worry about with your MIL, then you're a very lucky lady indeed! I'd love to see my mother/MIL be so loving and affectionate to my baby. I'd love to hear my mum call my children 'her baby' even just once. Sadly my mum died before she had the chance to show my children as much love as your baby is being showered with. My MIL doesn't give a stuff about her grandchildren so subsequently barely even realises they are our children, let alone hers.

You really need to take a step back and realise how petty/ungrateful you sound. It's not a competition. Of course he's your baby, but he's partly hers too. He's her grandchild!! I wonder how you'll feel years down the road if you have a DIL who bothers about you showering your grandchild with so much love?' pretty pissed off I'd bet.

Megatron · 01/09/2010 18:51

MIL calls DS 'my best boy' and it doesn't bother me to be honest. She looks at him with such a soppy look on her face I wouldn't want to spoil that feeling she has for him. It's sweet really.

EdgarAllInPink · 01/09/2010 18:58

YANBU - my MIl did do this and it hit my 'Angry' button like (almost) nothing else... she did also behave like DD was 'er baby' in ther ways though (whilst questionig her paternity at the same time!)
i said something because it was making an already stressful situation utterly unbearable,.

she stopped doing it.

Original poster

jumblequeen · 01/09/2010 19:51

OP posts:

Madinitials · 01/09/2010 20:06

My MIL used to do this, let's not go there.

My sister does it too, she says "come to mummy, god I mean auntie" to my dd but then I also do it to her dd and we both mix their names up.

rubbersoul · 01/09/2010 20:06

Title of this thread made me laugh as I've been listening to my MIL call her grandson (my nephew) 'my baby' all afternoon!

Don't know if it bothers my SIL but she's always calling her kids her babies, etc.

zapostrophe · 01/09/2010 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

jumblequeen · 01/09/2010 20:10

Oops, grin was in response to the pet comments! That made me look a bit heartless... sorry edgar

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 01/09/2010 20:11

I agree wit all the comments about how as she is a lovely person you shouldn't say anythig and just accept that it's her way but I totally disagree with "but he's partly hers too"

what a load of bollox.

LarkinSky · 01/09/2010 20:13

My Mum says she loves my DD as much as she loves me and my siblings. She doesn't call her 'my baby', but if she did I wouldn't mind, or MIL.

You're lucky, after all the MIL's-from-hell stories we read on Mumsnet, you sound as if you have a gem - don't offend her for such a tiny annoyance.

BuckBuckMcFate · 01/09/2010 20:22

Seriously DuellingFanjo, you don't think that grandchildren are partly the grandparents? Or nephews and nieces in relation to aunts and uncles, for that matter?

DuelingFanjo · 01/09/2010 20:33

a grandchild is part of an extended family, yes, but bottom line is that a grandchild doesn't belong to a grandparent at all. It's great that most families foster great relationships between grandparent and grandchild but a grandparent has no right to contact or a relationship with a grandchild. Sorry but they just don't and I think it puts incredible pressure on those people who don't want that contact when other people tell them there is some kind of duty to do so.

obviously in the OPs case she has a lovely MIl and the relationships are all great but no one should feel forced into maintaining blood ties just because other people think it's right.

ShowOfHands · 01/09/2010 20:54

No you should never feel duty bound to have a relationship with anybody. Of course not.

But grandparents are often very surprised by the force of their feelings for a grandchild. Many say it's like the feelings you have for your own child. And we all know how that goes. A ferocious, proud feeling, knowing the little soul in front of you, feeling inextricably yet inexplicably tied to them. And the language we use is just an extension of that. DD is so much a part of me that any child she has in the future is bound to make that feeling well up. And chances are I'll speak and act in a way that betrays that feeling. I also hope that I won't be chastised for it. Any of the other behaviours described here then any future DIL or SIL have my permission to take me outside and have me shot.

But I must also add OP that when you have a newborn, you are allowed a small amount of hormone-charged sentiment. It's just how it goes. I used to be really pissy about people- including MIL- waking dd up with their excitement at seeing her. I used to bristle and huff, muttering that they shouldn't swoop straight in and scoop her up when she was asleep fgs (she never slept to be fair). But I look back and know that it was done out of love and I'm glad that actually I just let it slide. I was very cross about it though.

MadAboutQuavers · 01/09/2010 21:02

My DS isn't born yet, and my mum refers to him as "our baby".

Why do I hate this? Why do I keep wanting to respond "you mean MY baby?" why don't I want to share him?? He is a part of the whole family FFS.

Hopefully this will resolve itself when he's born because I'm going to be a bloody nightmare otherwise

I think if she starts asking "so where's my baby then?" I'll have to reply "I'm here!"

So I totally understand why this is pissing you off jumblequeen!

2rebecca · 01/09/2010 21:09

Why not just say something in a jovial manner?
I don't get the pussyfooting around.

bethylou · 01/09/2010 21:12

My MIL does it too, but, even worse, so does my bloody boss! After only 4 hours' sleep last night, they can have him!!

Hulababy · 01/09/2010 21:20

This really would not bother me in the slightest. I'm just happy that my DD has so many people in her life who love her dearly.

And when she was little my DD was her grandparents "baby" - she was their baby granddaughter.

I sometimes say similar to my little godson, or to close family friends. I also regularly use pet names like poppet, sweetheart, etc. It doesn't mean I consider them "mine" just that they are important people to me, children I care about and these kind ofpet names (which is what I would consider baby as too) just come natural to me with little children. I even use theseto refer to children in my class at school.

Am I really offending all those parents?!

ledkr · 01/09/2010 21:21

Agree with df. I have noticed on mn there is this big sway towards gps being excused for mad behaviour...not necessary in this case tho...and it is true that feelings for a grandchild are unexpectedly powerfull but not to the extent that You suddenly lose all sense of normality and forget what its like to be a parent. I have a very special relationship with my gs 1yrs old. cos dil and ds were quite precious with him he loved coming to me and dd for a bit of fun. consequently collapses in hysterics when I visit. its great and I adore him but he is their baby and nobody else's!

hormonesnomore · 01/09/2010 21:35

You're absolutely right SOH, I'd give my life for my grandchildren. They are part of me and I feel they are mine. But of course they know who their parents are and love them in a different way.

Be very happy that you have a good relationship with your MIL, op - that is precious.

zipzap · 01/09/2010 23:37

Hmmm. I don't think yabu - it is annoying when somebody does this, and yes, it's not the biggest baddest thing they could do but it's still a bit of a pain.

If you mil does this when your dh is around, you can gently tease her (sounds like you have a good enough relationship with her to do this nicely) - by, whenever she makes a comment about 'my baby' you turn it around and direct it to her baby - ie your dh.

so say she says 'are you hungry and want me to feed you my little baby' you could turn to dh and say 'It's very sweet of you to worry about [dh name] being hungry yet but I think he is big enough to feed himself!'

You can do it in a nice way or a nasty way but it sounds like you are nice and would do it nicely. It might help to reduce the stress you feel when she does claim your baby - and if not, give everyone a bit of a laugh as silly billy granny has forgotten her baby has grown up...

tinky19 · 02/09/2010 00:32

It would annoy me but I would agree, it's not worth causing upset over.

carebear321 · 02/09/2010 01:16

It would bug me too but its not worth causing a riot over if your relationship is otherwise good. I think your baby is lucky to have Granny who is so affectionate. Some don't want to know.

EdgarAllInPink · 02/09/2010 13:37

no worries jumblequeen

i don't get why many people think this should be borne - i thought it made my MIL look a bit mental to be saying it (she is in other ways though..)

if you have a really good relationship with her, she should respect your feelings enough to stop it.

the fact that it took a rather forceful expression of my feelings on this matter to stop my MIL from using the 'my baby ' term was a sign of how little of a toss she gives about how i feel. i think she is one of thoise that sees her DIL as a mere incoveniemce required in order to get GCs.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/09/2010 14:46

"Your baby? your baby? How was the labour then? Painful? How are the stitches? Your baby, you cheeky thing! Any baby you push out of your body is your baby. this one is mine!"

said in jokey, teasing voice.

With steely glint in eye.

Original poster

jumblequeen · 02/09/2010 15:23

hahaha HecateQueenOfWitches!

To give a bit more of a back story, this is her first grandchild and it has made this previously switched-on woman doolally. I didn't mention it before but this is the last in a series of things that have grated on me since the birth... but bottom line is, there is no bad feeling behind it so whichever way I look at it, I'm glad to have such a great MIL. I just hope she recovers some of her senses soon (especially as we're seeing her this weekend)!

OP posts:

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